Downward Spiral

by Bria Starr

  When she comes around the corner, my heart skips a beat. Her hair is down and longer than I’ve ever seen it before. “Eli? What’s the matter?”

  No judgment. No resentment. I don’t deserve to be here right now.

  “Want to head down to the river with me?”

  “Sure.”

  We walk side by side in silence for a good ten minutes before I take her cold hand and hold it, just like I used to. She clasps her fingers around mine and we wander down to the river.

  As we sit on the bank, I start to tell her how much

  I miss my mom. Tears fall down my face as I describe how I feel, how much I hate my dad, and how badly I want to get out of this town. She lays her head on my shoulder and listens. I cry and she consoles me by calmly rubbing circles on my back.

  “I like that you’re still the same,” I say to her.

  “Well, I think you’ve changed a bit.”

  “Touché.”

  We both laugh a little. It’s freezing down here, but I don’t want to leave. I just want to stay here with her as long as possible. But we have school tomorrow and she worked until closing tonight.

  “Ready to go back?”

  “Ready when you are.” I rise and help her up. Still holding hands, I lead us back to her house. When we get to her driveway, I give her a hug.

  “Thank you, Paige. For everything.”

  “Anytime. I mean it.”

  I long to tell her how much I miss her, but I know that will only open up the question on why I’ve pushed her away, and I don’t feel like getting into that right now, or probably ever. I’ve just confessed my inner battles to her; that’s enough for one night.

  When I wake up the next morning, I drive down to the local bookstore. The scent of coffee seeps into my lungs as I walk inside and wander the different aisles. I find the historical romance section and start searching for something that jumps out at me. An elderly woman comes by and asks if I’m looking for something in particular that she could help me find. I explain to her the kind of books I’ve known Paige to read and ask what she recommended. She thinks for a moment before going down a few feet and pulling one out. She hands it to me and it doesn’t look familiar. I read the back just to make sure nothing sparks a memory of Paige talking to me about this one, but it doesn’t ring any bells.

  “I’ll take it.” I follow her to the counter. “Thanks for the help.” She smiles and starts to ring me up. “Is there any way I could get this gift wrapped?”

  “Of course,” she says, showing me the different rolls of wrapping paper behind her. “Which color would you like?”

  I take the book covered in green paper and throw it in my bag. I’m hoping her lock is the same from last year. I turn the combination and her locker opens up. Her locker is clean and practically empty, except for a notebook and a few pens and pencils sitting on the top shelf. I set the book inside where she’ll be able to see it, when I notice a picture on the inside of her locker door. It’s a picture of us standing in front of my car from two years ago.

  “What are you doing?”

  I slam the locker shut. “Hey, Laura, how are you?”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  I throw one of my charming smiles her way. “I was just dropping something off for Paige. Have you seen her?”

  “No. She takes the bus, remember?” She gives me

  a cold glare. “So she won’t be here for a while yet.”

  Guilt washes over me and I want to run from it. “Right. Well, see you around.” I leave and walk toward my locker which is already surrounded by my group of friends.

  I don’t see Paige at all until the end of the day when I’m heading out towards the back door. Between all the bodies moving in the same direction, I catch a glimpse of her standing off to the side and I slow my stride. She scurries over to me and says, “Thank you for my book. I’ve never read that one before, so I’m looking forward to it.” Her eyes glimmer with excitement.

  I look at her face and my eyes drift down when I notice she’s wearing the pink dress my mom gave her.

  “You’re welcome.” I swallow hard to keep from choking up.

  “You look pretty.”

  She grins and quickly turns to head back in the opposite direction towards where the buses wait. I feel like a pile of shit knowing I could be bringing her home instead of making her take the bus.

  But I just put my head down and keep on going.

  Chapter 14

  Present Day - Paige

  Monday morning comes and I’m still tired from Saturday night. I’m not old, but I definitely can’t party like I could in college, and mixing alcohol is never a good idea.

  When I get to work, Larissa is already there waiting for me.

  “Hi, Larissa. You’ll be shadowing Michelle today.

  Have you met DeAnn yet?”

  “No, but I recognize her.”

  “Yes, she’s been here for thirty-two years. She knows more than I do. Feel free to ask either of us any questions.”

  I bring her in the back towards the kitchen. “This is Dominic, we all call him Dom. He’s the greatest cook I’ve ever known.” They smile and say hi. I hear the back door slam and I turn to see Michelle running in.

  “Sorry I’m late.”

  “That’s okay. This is Larissa. She’s going to be taking the open full-time position. I’ll be checking in on you guys throughout the day.”

  They both nod and get to work.

  “You feeling okay, honey?”

  “I’m fine, DeAnn. Just a little tired is all.” Probably best to keep to myself that I got wasted with the new hire over the weekend. I was thinking we were only going to have dinner and maybe a few drinks.

  “Well, it’s Monday and we have an extra person on board. Maybe go home early, huh? Or better yet, try taking a day off once in a while.”

  I don’t think I’ve ever left work early before. What would I do with a day off? Run? Watch TV? Nothing I can’t do once I get home. Maybe if I had more of a life or things to look forward to.

  “What do you think about having another employee party?”

  “It has been a while. Did you have something in mind?”

  “I don’t know, maybe something for the newer employees? We could do a theme?”

  “A theme?” There’s only one theme DeAnn ever thinks about. “As much as I’d love to have one, I don’t think

  Fifty Shades is appropriate for this particular work party.”

  “Okay, I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t cross my mind, but we can do something a little tamer.”

  I start wracking my brain for games and prizes that could be given as I head out to the dining room to check on Larissa and Michelle.

  “How’s it going ladies?”

  “It’s going well. She has a little experience so she’s doing just fine,” Michelle says as Larissa is off refilling beverages.

  “Adding things into the POS system and learning the menu will probably be the biggest challenge so make sure she gets plenty of time on both of those.”

  “Sure thing.”

  I return to my office and get on Pinterest to look for party ideas. As I’m in the process of adding pins to my new board, my phone vibrates.

  Eli: So when do I get to see you next?

  Eli wants to see me again?

  Me: Um, Saturday?

  I don’t even want to go on Saturday anymore. I certainly don’t want to see him before then, not until both of us forgets. Okay, I’ll see him again after he forgets because I don’t remember jack shit. I shake my head at myself and put my head into my palms. Never again. I’m never drinking again.

  Eli: You’re busy tonight?

  Me: I am. I have a big work party to schedule.

  Eli: What about tomorrow night?

  Can’t he just let me blow him off? I sit back and swivel in my chair as I decide on what to say back to him.

  Eli: Or any night this week?

  Me: I can�
�t believe you still want to see me after Saturday.

  Eli: Of course I do. I want to see if I can get some more information out of you.

  Shit-damn-hell! He’s not making this easy on me. Eli: I’m joking. Yes, I still want to see you again.

  Me: I think I’m too embarrassed to ever see you again.

  Eli: Would it help if I told you how adorable you were that night?

  I smile.

  Me: Maybe …

  Eli: Well, you were. So come over tomorrow night.

  I’d love to see you.

  Who could say no to that?

  Me: Okay. About 7?

  Eli: I can’t wait.

  I can.

  Me: Me neither.

  My moments are being ruined by alcohol.

  “Damn you Panty Droppers! Why did you have to taste so good?” I say out loud in my empty office. Tomorrow night. What am I going to wear? I close my eyes and shake my head at myself one last time before going on Pinterest—a magical place where hours only feel like minutes.

  I lay my orange off-the-shoulder top on my bed and look for my white pencil skirt. It looks like rain so I’ll definitely be driving tonight. I’m already sweating bullets when I think about seeing him again.

  “This feels like a date,” I tell Laura.

  “Why? What’s different this time?”

  “Knowing that he might like me more than just a friend. Him actually asking me out. It makes a huge difference between knowing and not knowing.” I frown.

  “And who knows what all he knows.”

  “That’s a lot of knows. Just go over there as a friend. Try to find out what you told him,” she suggests.

  “No way. I’m so not bringing it up. If I just avoid it, it’ll go away. It’s taking all I have just to face him again. Now is the time I could use one of the shots I didn’t need on Saturday.” She laughs. “That’s not helping.”

  “Sorry, but it’s crazy to think you guys are going to start seeing each other. After all this time.”

  “Why don’t we just see how it goes on Saturday?

  We might be better off as friends.”

  “You guys haven’t been friends for eight years.”

  “Thanks for reminding me.”

  “This is how I see it. Either this is going to go really well or it’ll be a complete disaster and you’ll both lose each other forever. I don’t think it was ever quite over between you two. This will be the deciding factor.”

  I feel like crying for the umpteenth time. “I don’t want to lose him again. I just got him back.”

  “I don’t think you’ll lose him. Not this time.”

  “Thanks, friend.”

  “Have fun.”

  “I will.”

  “But not too much fun,” she teases.

  “Just when I thought you were being nice.” She grins and I leave.

  I sit in his driveway, dreading the idea of getting out and facing him, but I do it. It’s about to downpour any minute and I’d like to get inside before I look like a drowned rat.

  He opens the door and his fresh cologne that I frequently fantasize about swooshes out around me. I take a deep breath and savor it. “Welcome back,” his deep voice rumbles.

  “Thanks.” I follow him inside and take off my shoes, setting my purse next to them, like I usually do. He’s smiling at me and I can’t help but smile back.

  “Come and eat.”

  “It smells delicious. What is it?”

  He opens the oven door so I can see the tender beef in a roasting pan with seasoned carrots and potatoes in a smaller pan on the shelf above it. “It’s almost done.”

  “That looks amazing. You’re almost as good as Dom when it comes to cooking.”

  “What do you mean by almost? I have some competition?”

  “You do. Are you jealous?” I ask, taking a seat.

  “A little.” The timer goes off and he dishes me up a plate, setting it in front of me.

  “I do appreciate that you always feed me.”

  “I don’t mind one bit. Every time I cook I usually have leftovers, so this way I know nothing will go to waste and that it’ll be enjoyed. It helps that I know what kinds of foods you like. Unless your tastes have changed?” He sits next to me and starts eating.

  “Nope. Still hate onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms.”

  “And those are such key ingredients for flavor.

  You’re missing out.”

  “I’m okay with that. What I don’t know won’t kill me.” He stays silent for a moment and I wonder what I said that is making him look like this. “Is everything okay?”

  “Are we ever going to talk about it again?”

  “About Saturday? Ugh, I hope not.”

  “No, not about Saturday. About what happened in

  January.”

  “Oh. That.” I put my fork down. “I don’t know. I honestly felt so much better after talking about it that one time with you.”

  “Same here. I’ve wanted to talk about it more, but

  I’d prefer not to ruin our time together by bringing it up.”

  “I always feel the same way, but you know I’m here anytime you want to talk about it. I think it’s good to vent every once in a while. Even if that means it’s ruined, we’re both still here for one another. We have that, and that alone reminds me how lucky we are, which somehow makes it not so bad.”

  “Can I ask you something personal?” he asks as I walk over to the sink.

  “Of course.”

  “Do you still have the night terrors?”

  “Not as often as I used to. Not since I started hanging around you again. But I think my new therapist, the new meds, and not being with Corbin all contribute to that. I feel better than I have in a long time. I’m finally starting to feel happy and content with my life again.” Come to think of it, I haven’t even been running as often as I used to either.

  “Time heals all wounds, right?”

  “Not all of them.”

  He gives me a small smile. “Definitely not all of them. So do you think we’re both going to be okay?”

  “I think so. But you’ve always seemed like you were okay.”

  “I wasn’t. I needed some closure with you. So many times I’ve thought about you. Wondered where you were, what you were doing, if you were okay. And I couldn’t find you anywhere online.”

  “I stopped all social media after that night. All of a sudden everything was flooded with comments and messages from people asking me about it, people I hadn’t talked to in years, trying to get information out of me. I got sick of it and deleted every account I owned. Eventually, I created a new email address and joined Pinterest, but under a new name. And as for asking around about me, you know enough people. I’m sure you could have found me if you really wanted to.”

  “You’re right. There was a part of me that was scared to see you again, after the way I had treated you. A big part. But then I ran into you and I had to face both you and my fears. It was time. Then it took me forever to call you.” He looks down.

  “I actually wanted to find you right away when I first moved back. I ran into DeeJay at a party and she told me you had a boyfriend you were serious about, so I just backed off and never asked again. I was busy building my house and getting my company established here, so I decided to just throw myself into that instead.”

  “I didn’t even know you had moved back. When I saw you at the bar, I just assumed you were here visiting

  Patrick. Besides, you had a girlfriend, didn’t you?”

  “I did. But that didn’t stop me from thinking about you. The first time you were over here and you seemed unsure about your relationship with Corbin, it gave me hope.”

  “Hope? That I wasn’t happy?”

  “Yes. In a very selfish way.”

  “I still would have been your friend. Isn’t that the way it always was?”

  “Was it?” he asks curiously.

  I start to remember all the times he didn’t
want anything to do with me. “Well, I guess whenever you saw fit.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

  “Then what?” Now I’m getting frustrated. “What do you want to know?”

  “Don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not mad!”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “Then tell me what you want!”

  “Did you have feelings for me or not?”

  “Of course I did! Did you have feelings for me?”

  “Yes!”

  He grabs me and slams his mouth to mine. I close my eyes and return the kiss just as forcefully. His hands come around to cup either side of my face as I reach up to grab his hair just like I’ve imagined doing a million times. His hands move to wrap around my waist and I open my mouth, his tongue plunging inside. I eagerly do the same, fully giving myself over to him as I melt into his arms. I kiss him like this is my last day on Earth, and he kisses me like he never wants to let go. We continue until we have to stop to catch our breath. We look at each other, both of our eyes glazed over and filled with desire. He pulls me towards him and his lips crash into mine, once again. The taste of Eli is something of wonder. I can’t describe it, but it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted and want to relish in. He lifts his hands and softly takes a fistful of my hair, keeping me in close proximity.

  Eli, my love. This is the unanswered prayer I’ve asked God for so many times.

  Lips raw, I look up at him, and he smiles down at me. “I just wanted to hear you say it,” he whispers, taking me in for a hug and kissing the top of my head. He smooths my hair down my face with his hands. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”

  “I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind the next time I get the urge.”

  “I think—”

  He kisses me again, gently this time, and I savor the feeling of his plush lips. He then holds me against his chest and I bury my head into it as happy tears threaten to escape.

  “Well, that was fun,” he says.

  “Fun?” I laugh. “Yeah, I guess it kind of was. I’m glad you invited me over tonight.”

  “Anytime, bookworm.”

  “I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard you call me that.”