Downward Spiral

by Bria Starr

  “I always knew I’d come back, you know.”

  “But I didn’t. I thought you were gone forever.”

  “I had too much that was still here.”

  “I get it.”

  “But you don’t.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t have a clue, do you?”

  “I … I think I’m confused.”

  “I’m here for you.”

  My hearts stops. My lower lip trembles and I start to shake.

  “I always knew I’d have to come back to you eventually.”

  “But you left me. We weren’t close anymore, but I didn’t think you’d just disappear like that! You left your phone. I went to your house! A part of me died when I found out you up and left. I lost my best friend. I kept waiting for you to come back, knowing that sooner or later you’d show up outside my window, but you never came.” Tears stream down my face and I wipe them away. He looks sad, but he doesn’t have the right. He’s not the one who was up at night worrying if he was alive or dead. He brushes my hair away from my face and lightly grips me under the chin, lifting my head up to face him. “I can never apologize enough. I went about it the wrong way. About everything.”

  “I had to start over. Do you know how hard that was? I eventually learned to let you go, and I started to live my life. Then I met Corbin. He filled the empty void I was missing. I only started dating him because he was cute and he liked me. It took me a long time to realize that I was never in love with him. I mean, I loved him, sure, but I wasn’t actually in love with him. And that’s why I was at the bar that night. I’d asked Laura to come out with me because I wanted to get drunk and complain to her how unhappy I was. I wanted to go to Relic, but she chose The Dungeon. It’s my fault that we were there.”

  “It’s my fault Patrick and I were out that night too. We had just finished the house and were starting on the shed. We’d had a long day, and I told him I owed him a beer for all his help, someone suggested we go there, to relax and have a good time, so we did. I brought him there.” His glum face reflects my own.

  “Well, aren’t we a pair?”

  “That we are.” Eli leans back against my pillows and settles in. I wipe a few stray tears and lie down beside him. “Come here.” He pulls me towards him so my head is on his chest. He takes my hair, strand by strand, and lets it fall through his fingers like silk. “I’ve always thought you looked so good with your hair down.”

  I start to feel sleepy as he plays with my hair. “That’s because I always wore it in a braid. It was so thick and hard to take care of.”

  “I love your hair. I always thought you were so sexy when you’d come out at night with it long and wild.”

  “Oh, it was such a mess. I didn’t care though because only you’d see me.”

  “So you didn’t realize you liked me until you were a little bit older then?”

  I ponder for a minute. “I think I’ve always liked you, I just didn’t know the extent of it. I do know it hit me pretty hard when you kissed me.”

  “I never would have guessed with the way you just got out of the car like that. I didn’t know what you were thinking. I was so scared you were going to be mad at me.” He chuckles.

  “I wasn’t mad. I just didn’t know what to think! A million different things went through my head. I wasn’t sure if you had meant to do it or if you were only experimenting, I certainly didn’t think you actually liked me. Not like that anyway.”

  “I didn’t know either. It wasn’t planned.”

  “Why haven’t we talked about all this before? It makes me happy. Well, some of it makes me sad, but it’s like I’m finally getting some answers.” I cover my mouth and yawn. “I still have so many questions I want to ask you,” I say sleepily.

  “And I still have a lot of explaining to do. But we won’t worry about it tonight, we have plenty of time to get through it all.”

  “Okay,” I mumble.

  “Paige?” he whispers.

  “Hmm?”

  “Will you be my girlfriend?”

  I catch a sudden burst of energy I didn’t know I had as I laugh and climb up to sit on my knees. “That’s how I imagined you’d ask me a million times! You’re only about ten years too late, but I’d love to.” I drop into his lips as his warm arms slip around me. He kisses me until I fall asleep into bliss.

  Chapter 17

  18 Years Old - Paige

  The last day of my senior year is almost over. I have been saving my money to be able to pay for college, but I had to buy myself a vehicle so I wasn’t stuck riding on that dreadful bus for another year. I worked my ass off, picking up any extra shifts I could get my greedy little paws on. I bought an older Dodge Stratus last summer for cheap, so I’ve been scared it’s going to fall apart on me. It makes the oddest clunking sound, but I choose to ignore it. I’m sure it’ll just go away eventually …

  Laura and I had been discussing colleges and housing options before we were both accepted into the University of Minnesota. We may choose to wait a while before getting an apartment, and we’ll carpool together whenever possible since it’s about an hour drive, depending on traffic.

  It sounds like the University of Minnesota is where most graduates from here will be going because it’s so close, including Eli. I’m thrilled that we’ll get to be in the same place together for a couple more years. I still like being near him. With my grade point average, I’m close to being at the top of my class and was able to get a full scholarship because of it. My parents can’t afford to send me and I’ve been saving to try and make sure I have everything I’ll need. I know books will cost a fortune, but that scholarship will help tremendously. My hard work has paid off.

  We have our whole lives planned out. Laura wants to be a photographer. She would like to get married someday but is adamant she doesn’t want to have any kids. Me, on the other hand, I want kids. I will go to college, and find the love of my life, and have a wedding right away after we graduate. I will live in a beautiful house with my family where I will thrive as an English teacher.

  I will have the perfect life.

  When I walk by Eli and his entourage, I can feel him watching me. I glance over and there he is, eyes boring into me almost as if he’s undressing me with them. Which is a ridiculous thought because he doesn’t want me. Obviously. Or I’d be his. I try not to get too worked up about anything he says or does. I’m used to the mixed signals by now and have learned to ignore most of them. He stares at me as if he wants me and leaves me presents in my locker, yet he won’t talk to me or be my friend unless he has a breakdown and wants to discuss it, which is fine. He’s been through a really rough time with losing his mom and living with his dad, who I can’t stand because of the way he treats his son. So I get it. It just sucks wanting something you can never have.

  As I approach my locker, I see Laura at the next one over, tearing down all the pictures of her two dogs who are covering the inside of her door. We’ve been lucky all these years to have had last names so close in spelling that we’re always assigned next to each other. Which also means Eli is never very far away.

  “How are Maggie and Chloe doing?”

  She smiles at the thought of them. “They’re the best.” Laura may not care much for kids, but she sure is a dog lover.

  My own locker only has a small mirror and two pictures. The first of Laura and me at her house in her swimming pool and the second is the same one of Eli and myself that I’ve had forever. Well, for the last four years anyway. The one of us standing in front of his Chevelle that his mom took and gave me a copy. We aren’t close anymore, but I’ll never forget him. I didn’t have any friends when he came into my life and I grew to love him. I will admit that I thought I was in love with him at one point. During one moment in time, he gave me my first kiss. I wasn’t sure what it meant, so I acted like it was no big deal, but secretly hoped he’d do it again. Of course, that time never came. I got over it and accepted our friendship for wh
at it was. It’s still the only kiss I’ve ever had, and even though he never said anything, I’m pretty sure it was his first kiss too.

  He’s had plenty more since then, this I know because I’ve witnessed many of them in the halls with different girls. Jealousy tries to rip at my heart, but I shake it off and throw myself into my studies. He doesn’t belong to me so he can kiss and go out with whoever he wants.

  Even though Eli seems to have finally come to terms with the horrific experience of losing his beloved mother, I can tell he still gets sad sometimes. He’ll come to me every now again to talk about her and we spend time just sitting together, then he’ll go away again. I don’t ever try to seek him out. He’ll come to me when he needs me.

  And I will ALWAYS be there for him.

  And last but not least, even during his moments in the last couple of years when he’s completely ignored me, I still find him watching me in the hallways, and I will still randomly find treasures, known as books, inside my locker. My heart squeezes every time I find them, and I race to open them up and see which ones they are. I keep the necklace with the book pendant inside of my jewelry box, I don’t wear anymore. It’s special to me, but I don’t want him to see me wearing it. I stopped during sophomore year when he started pretending I didn’t exist. It killed me inside, but I knew he was hurting and had to come to terms in his own way.

  I wish things were like they used to be, but they aren’t and never will be again. I lost a friend. But I also gained one in Laura. She came at the best time, and I love her for being there to get me through Mrs. Stone’s death, as well as Eli’s coldness.

  “I don’t know why you still have that picture,” she says as she glances in my locker.

  “Which one?”

  “Both.” I give her a look. “I look awful in that one and you don’t need the other one.”

  “I think we both look good in this picture and as for the other one, I like it. It was a good day.” Don’t ask why I’m worried about him seeing me wear the necklace, but not about him seeing our picture every time he opens my locker, because I couldn’t tell you. Maybe I like to think of it as a reminder to him. That I’m still here. “Besides, school is finally over and I’ll pack them in a box where they’ll probably sit until after college.”

  “Man, I can’t wait to get out of here.”

  “Yeah,” I say closing my locker. “Me too.”

  As we get out to the parking lot she asks, “You going to that party tonight?”

  “Eli’s end of school party?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I was thinking about it.” We like to attend a few parties from time to time. We’ve gone from nervously standing on the sidelines while observing, to mingling and chatting up classmates.

  “I thought maybe you’d want to. I figured we could go for a little bit.”

  His dad travels a lot now, so whenever he’s gone, Eli throws massive parties, but when he’s home, he’ll steal his liquor and throw a party down by the river. In the very area he and I used to go fishing.

  “I’ll just run home and grab my stuff before I come over.”

  “Sounds good. See you soon,” I say as we part ways.

  When she gets to my house, I have clothes strewn all over my bed and more clothes on the floor. Nothing works. I want to make a statement. Something along the lines of I’m cooler than you all think I am! Or Yes, I was invited and do belong here. But mostly, I just want to look good, and deep down, I know it’s for Eli.

  “Geez, Paige. It’s a mess in here!”

  I sit next to a pile on my floor. “I don’t know what to wear.”

  Laura plops down on my bed. “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.”

  Full of melancholy, I look up as a last desperate attempt to see something for tonight, and hanging in the very back of my closet, I spot a small bit of yellow fabric. It’s the yellow sundress Eli’s mom had gotten me for my birthday three years ago. I hope it still fits. I’ve worn the pink one a few times but never the yellow one. It’s swooped kind of low in the front and I was never bold enough to wear it. Am I bold enough today?

  I stand up and pull it off the hanger.

  ***

  The breeze gets cooler as Laura and I walk closer to the river where all the noise is coming from. We left my car that putt-putted its way down here back in the field that’s lined up with close to fifty others. Laura refused to walk the twenty minutes it would take and practically forced me to drive. She pats the bottle of vodka that’s nestled in her bag and I lead her the rest of the way.

  There is a fire roaring with dozens of people standing around it, others hanging out at the edge of the water, and a few actually swimming in the river. As I start seeing everyone from my class, I’m close to having a panic attack over my choice of dress, although it fits perfectly. Other girls are dressed similar but I still feel so out of place. Manwhore Miller sees me first and stares at me with his mouth open, then whistles loudly, causing several heads to turn my way. I’m suddenly not feeling so brave anymore. I run my fingers through my long hair that I spent way too long trying to perfect. Laura grew bored and had passed out on my bed while she waited. I had put a little makeup on too, which normally I don’t bother with. I just wanted to feel pretty tonight.

  I ignore him and stand close to the fire, where he follows. He stands there, staring at me while he wobbles back and forth. How can someone so drunk still be standing? I avoid any eye contact and turn my back to him, hoping he’ll eventually lose interest and move elsewhere. Laura and I are greeted by Jessica and DeeJay who come over to say hi. Laura and DeeJay have become good friends and that’s how Laura finds out about parties and things is from her. Jessica and I have almost every class together and we get along very well. As we are all indulging in our plans for the future, I can’t help but let my eyes stray, searching for Eli. My heart stops when I see him over on the dock in our spot. I start to take a step towards him when I realize he’s not alone. My heart sinks when I see him with a girl and I quickly look away before anyone notices.

  Laura does but I put on a smile and ask, “So, Laura, have you decided if we’re going to live in the dorms or get our own place?” I know we haven’t agreed on anything yet.

  She scowls. “No, Paige. I haven’t.” She takes my arm and brings me away from the others. “Let him go.”

  “I’m not even doing anything! And I don’t need to let him go. There’s nothing to let go of.”

  “He knows he’s too good for you.”

  “Well, maybe he is. He’s definitely out of my league.”

  “No, he seems to like you, but for some reason he just doesn’t go for it. He sure manages to keep you stringing along though, doesn’t he?”

  “He does not. We were best friends once. That’s all. And Eli has new friends now.” I raise my hand towards where he’s still sitting on the dock with her, whoever she is. For a moment, his eyes look up and straight at me. Straight through me, just like he always does.

  “His books don’t make up for the abrupt cold front he’s given you.”

  “It’s a nice gesture. They make me smile.”

  “They make him think that it’s okay to call or come crying whenever he decides he needs you.”

  “That is a secret I told you in confidence! Don’t you ever mention it again. Especially in a crowd like this, or I’m going to be extremely pissed.”

  “Okay I’m sorry, but it’s true. And it’s not like you’ve ever told me what he says. Just that he needs to talk to you sometimes.”

  “Just stop talking about it before someone hears you.” I’m done with this conversation. “You have nothing to worry about. We’re all going off to college soon, and I’m going to meet someone and get married, remember?” “Yeah, right,” she says as Miller stumbles over.

  “Which one of you lucky ladies gets to suck my dick?”

  We look at him with utter disgust. “Seriously? Go suck your own dick,” I tell him.

  He grabs me firmly a
round the waist. “Now that’s not very nice.”

  “Get off of me!” I push him and he starts to fall, but he continues to hold onto me, taking me down with him. Laura reaches out to try and catch me, but I fall hard onto the rocks. My knees are burning and tears build in my eyes as I stand up.

  Everyone is staring at me.

  “You stupid fuck!” Laura yells at him and nudges him with her foot, before bringing me back towards the fire. But the fire is where all the questioning eyes are, so I keep walking passed them, towards my car. Laura follows without saying a word.

  “Sorry, Laura. I just can’t be here right now.”

  “Don’t worry about me, let’s get you home.”

  Eli runs up, gently bringing me to a halt by placing both his hands on my shoulders. “What happened? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, Eli. Great party. I’m going home.” I step aside and keep walking. Please don’t start crying, please don’t start crying.

  He catches up. “What did he do? Tell me.” I don’t say anything. “Please, before I go and beat the shit out of him.”

  I stop when I get to my car. “He was drunk and we fell on the rocks,” I explained.

  “Yeah, after he asked us to suck his nasty little cock,” Laura adds.

  “That son-of-a-bitch.”

  “It’s fine, really. But my knees are bleeding so I just need to get home. Okay?”

  “Come to my house instead. It’s closer.”

  “Not by much.”

  “Please?”

  I glance at Laura who is giving me a don’t do it sort of look with her eyes.

  “No, but thanks anyway.” I open the door and get in. I’m even more embarrassed, if that’s possible, when the engine turns over a few times before finally starting. He’s still standing nearby, so I wave before backing out and my car putt-putts out of there.

  “I didn’t even get drunk,” Laura complains as I drive towards my house.

  “We can get drunk while we sit in my room and listen to Pink Floyd,” I suggest.

  “That’ll do.”