by Lee Walsh
Thankfully, there was a talking tree outside who could hold a much deeper and more meaningful conversation than those two inside. I grabbed my coat and went outside to have a conversation with my friend, Woody.
“Hey buddy,” I said. “How's it hanging?”
Woody didn't reply. Instead, he remained frozen on the spot in his plant pot next to the second tree we'd bought as company for him.
“Woody,” I said. “What's going on with you, my friend?”
“Hello, neighbour,” a voice said from behind me. I turned to see where the voice came from and spotted a head on a fence.
“Hi, where has the rest of your body gone?” I asked. “I didn't think humans decapitated people any more.”
The head looked at me confused. His eyes stared blankly at me before the head got off the fence and headed indoors again and out of the cold.
“Strange beings this lot,” I said under my breath.
I tried to speak to Woody once again but again.
“I can't speak with humans around,” said Woody. “And you shouldn't allow them to see you talking to a tree. They'll think you're mad.”
“I don't care what they think of me,” I replied.
“Ssshh,” Woody whispered. “The human's back.”
“It doesn't matter, Woody. Humans will never understand the magic we have compared to what they have. If I want to talk to a walking and talking tree, I will,” I said with no response.
The human head from next door coughed and walked back inside.
Billy and Wanda were sat close together on the sofa. Billy still donning the clothes of a woman. I thought I was seeing things but Billy, a man dressed as a woman sitting next to – and getting closer to – a woman who hated men getting close to her.
“Well, this is a surprise,” I said with a hesitant tone.
“Percy, sit down,” instructed Wanda. “I've got something to tell you.”
I took a seat on the chair I had sat at earlier in the evening and listened intently for Wanda's words.
“You know that I mostly like women?” Wanda said.
“Mostly?” I replied. “I thought you only liked women.”
“Well, seeing Billy dressed as he is and knowing he's too stupid to oppress women on purpose made me realise something; not all men are the same. Billy is different from other men and I think I love him,” said Wanda.
I expected this news to change my life. To bring a certain jealous emotion into my being. But it didn't. Everything I believed was going to happen, didn't and everything I believed could never happen did. And I was happy.
Wanda Rangalf and Billy Tart were lovers – never words I thought I'd say but the truth was out.
There were no words I could have said, at that moment. Nothing anyone could have said would have changed anything. My world had turned upside down with a single sentence. They had both gone insane after spending too much time in the human realm.
I decided the best place for me would be to walk home at that moment. I said goodbye to my two friends and left Wanda and Billy to themselves. To spend some alone time together. Despite the surprise this brought, I was happy. I couldn't have coped with Wanda for an eternity and they would definitely be happy with each other. I was destined to be alone in this human world.
I walked out of the house with a smile on my face. Billy wasn't a typical man and liked to dress as a woman which would please Wanda forever. Wanda talked a lot which would please Billy forever. My two friends were happy which made me happy.
I repeated out loud, “Billy Tart and Wanda Rangalf – lovers,” over and over again I said that and the more I said it, the more unbelievable it became. Wanda and Billy were lovers and I was happy for them.
However, what happened next, is the reason I'm here today.
The head, who had seen me talking to a tree, had found its body again and saw me exiting Billy's house, smiling and talking to myself. Humans, I now know, think it is crazy to talk to a tree and to talk to oneself and to smile when nobody has told a joke. The organised chaos in the realm doesn't have room for people like me.
The head had made a phone call and some men wearing white jackets came for me and brought me here.
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“And you believe all this to be true?” the writer asked.
“Absolutely,” I replied. “Do you have any reason to doubt my claims?”
“Well, not really,” said the writer. “But you must admit, it's a little far-fetched.”
“I have since learned that the fairy eventually came round to John Pietta's proposal of marriage and the two got hitched under an oak tree which made Senior Pietta happy. Also, Wanda and Billy are still together and living their lives happily ever after,” I said.
“That is true,” the writer replied.
“Aren't you surprised by Wanda?” I asked.
“Not really, no. I know Wanda better than you think,” claimed the writer. “We had a thing a long time ago, before I met my husband who was the choice of my father. My father cannot find out about my personal preferences and she's used that against me ever since. That's how she got you out of trouble with me.”
“Visiting hours are over,” said another voice. I turned around once again and saw one of the men in white jackets coming towards me.
“Come on, Percy,” said the man. “Say goodbye to your visitor now.”
“Goodbye, Agatha Pietta. Please write what you know. Tell my story to the world. They deserve to know,” I yelled whilst being dragged away by two orc-sized men.
“Thanks, Percy,” Agatha shouted back.
The men took me away to my room where I was tied to my bed and sedated. Agatha Pietta went off into the sunset with her plan beyond all other plans; with the majority of fantasy writers killed in the human realm, Agatha felt it her duty to write one fantasy story to bring that magic back into the lives of the humans.
I wished the stunning little witch all the success I could and allowed her to tell my story. There wouldn't have been much point in me telling the story, they'd have thought I was insane.
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THE END
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lee Walsh is originally from the realm of Manchester, England and now resides in the Vysočina region of the Czech Republic. A father, a teacher, and on his worst days, a writer.
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