“Because this is who I am!” he shouted. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I thought I could change, thought I wanted to change. But I don’t. I enjoy my solitude. I like not having to check in with anyone. I don’t expect you to understand it, and I already know you don’t like it, but it’s not going to change. I’m not going to change. How long will it be before you resent me for that too?”
Silence.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “More than you’ll ever know. But this is for the best. You are going to do amazing things with your life. You’re going to travel and prove to the world how brilliant you are. You don’t need someone holding you back.”
Still, she didn’t speak.
“Go and take on the world, Darcy,” he said softly. “Show them what you’re made of.”
He heard her sob, but she didn’t respond.
“Someday, someone’s going to appreciate all that makes you special. And you are.” He stopped there, because his throat clogged with emotion, and he felt the unfamiliar sting of tears. “And he’s never going to want to let you go.”
Another sob.
“Take care of yourself.”
And as he hung up the phone and watched the screen fade to black, it felt a lot like his own life.
All of it had just left him.
* * *
“I know you didn’t want to go out, but you needed to.”
Looking at Anna, all Darcy could do was nod. It had been four days since Ben had ended things with her, and she still felt numb.
“What can we do? Tell me what we can do to help you.”
They were sitting in a booth at Anna’s pub along with Zoe, and as much as Darcy knew she should eat, all she could do was push the food around on her plate. “I don’t know. I wish I did.”
Anna studied her for a long moment. “Can I say something?”
Without looking up, she nodded again.
“Do you remember how much you used to wish you could move away from here?”
Another nod.
“It wasn’t so bad, right?”
She sighed and looked up. “It’s not about logistics, Anna. It’s…it’s about his heart. Ben is not a family-oriented person. I could have handled living in Washington. Hell, I actually wanted to move there. It’s beautiful and peaceful, and I love his house. But to tell me that he can’t handle my family?” She shrugged. “That’s something that can’t be overcome. I just…I can’t.”
Reaching across the table, Anna squeezed Darcy’s hand. “I understand. I hate it for you, but I get it.” She paused. “Although…”
“Although what?”
Anna waved her off. “You know what? It’s nothing. Don’t mind me.”
“No, come on. You clearly had something to say there. Out with it.”
“I don’t know. Think of the whole situation. I mean, you already knew he wasn’t close with his brothers. He doesn’t hate them; he just doesn’t feel the need to see them all the time. There’s no crime in that. I love Bobby, but it’s not like I’m counting the seconds until I see him again.”
“Isn’t he still here?”
Anna nodded. “If anything, I’m counting the seconds until he goes home.”
Darcy couldn’t help it. That made her laugh. “Anyway…”
“Anyway, it just seems odd to me that he had such a complete turnaround in how he felt about your family. Maybe there’s something else going on.”
“Like what?”
Zoe chimed in. “Okay, I know this is going to come out weird, but bear with me.” She paused. “You have a very unique way of dealing with your family, Darce. A lot of it has to do with your mom, but maybe you’re clinging too much to this sense of needing to be close together in order to be close.”
“I don’t…I don’t understand.” A small twinge of unease began in her belly, because she did understand, or she was trying to. This was eerily similar to what Ben had said to her.
Anna looked at Zoe and then back at Darcy. “You know that your family is closer than most, right?”
Darcy nodded.
“Not all families are like that. Living close together doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a close family. Does that make sense?”
“I guess, but…”
Zoe spoke up again. “In the time I’ve known you, you’ve been all over the place where your family is concerned. You hate living so close to them, then you hate being far away. You hate how everyone knows your business, but then you hate when people aren’t involved in your life. You need to find some balance.”
“Well, I hope we’ll have some now. I mean, eventually Dad and Martha will get married, and everything will be balanced.”
Anna and Zoe looked at each other and then back at her. “Balanced?” Anna asked. “How?”
“You know, because then we’ll be a complete family. Honestly, I don’t know if I would want to move away once we’re finally all together.”
“Um, I hate to say this, but we’re not,” Zoe said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, Riley and Savannah don’t live here. They’re firmly settled in California. And Hugh and Aubrey aren’t exactly right around the corner,” Zoe reminded her. “And lastly, Ian and Martha? If they get married, it will be about them. Not the family.”
“I agree,” Anna said. “Ian and Martha getting married would be to complete them. Martha’s not a substitute for your mom or to make your family whole. It would be because he fell in love with her and she makes his life complete.”
And in that instant, Darcy’s heart squeezed so hard that she felt as if she couldn’t breathe. All around her, voices became like a loud buzzing in her head. She felt hot and then cold. Her vision blurred, and she realized her eyes were filling with tears.
“Darcy? Sweetie, are you all right?” Anna asked, her voice laced with concern.
As hard as she tried, Darcy couldn’t give her a verbal response, so she simply nodded. Then she reached for her purse and fumbled with it as she put money down on the table.
“I have to go,” she whispered. “I…I’m sorry, but I have to go.”
Zoe and Anna stood and called out to her, but she kept moving. Weaving through the lunch crowd, Darcy did her best to get out the door, to get air. Once she was outside, she wasn’t sure where she wanted to go or what she was going to do. She gulped in the fresh air and tried her best to calm her rapidly beating heart.
What the hell was wrong with her?
But she knew.
Walking as fast as she could, she got to her car and quickly pulled out of the parking lot. She had driven with Zoe, but she’d apologize to her later.
Part of her was screaming to speed out of town, to put her foot to the floor and go. But another told her to be reasonable. She could barely see through the tears that had begun to fall, and the last thing she wanted to do was cause an accident. She drove aimlessly—and slowly—through the heart of town, and by the time she hit the back roads, she was able to wipe the tears away and see.
A shaky breath came out as everything came into focus. She wished she could just call Ben and get this all out. Share with him all her crazy fears and anxieties.
And to tell him that he was right. She was clinging to her family for all the wrong reasons.
He would listen, and she knew he’d make her feel better.
But he wouldn’t understand.
Hell, she barely understood.
So where did that leave her?
Darcy slowed the car and realized that the answer was right in front of her.
Turning the car, she drove slowly up the single lane, past the large oak tree on the left and past the fountain surrounded by wildflowers on the right. She could drive this route with her eyes closed; she’d been here so many times.
But this was the first time s
he’d done it alone.
She parked and then sat for a minute and tried to figure out what it was she was supposed to do. Say.
“Only one way to find out,” she murmured as she climbed from the car. It was twenty-seven steps. She’d counted them often enough. And she was counting them now. When she came to a stop, she turned, looked down, and smiled. “Hi, Mom.”
It was weird saying those words out loud. She’d never done it before. Every time she’d come to the cemetery, she’d been with her father and brothers, and they all talked to her silently. Only her father spoke—he would share stories of what everyone was doing and how everyone was—but after that, it was silent prayer time. So to be standing here and talking? It felt strange.
With no one else around, Darcy slowly lowered herself to the grass and sat at what she guessed were where her mother’s feet were. And that felt odd. Then she mentally yelled at herself to quit focusing on what was weird about this and simply talk.
“So this is new, huh?” she said, her voice small and trembling. “I bet you’re wondering why I’m here. I think I am too. I can’t believe I’ve never done this before. I’m sure you’re disappointed that I never did, and I’m sorry. I should have. When I was little, I had an excuse—couldn’t drive. But once I got older, I should have come.” A sob came out before she could stop it. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t. I’m a terrible daughter, right?”
A light breeze blew, and Darcy pulled her sweater tight around her. The weather had been unseasonably warm, so there hadn’t been a need for a winter coat, but right now, she wished she had one.
“I know if you were here you’d probably be telling me that I’m not terrible, but you’d be saying it because that’s the kind of thing moms say. You’d say something to make me feel better, but you shouldn’t. It was selfish and inconsiderate of me. And if you asked any of your sons, they’d tell you it was typical of me.” She paused and let herself cry some more. “I’m not someone you would be proud of, Mom. I am selfish, and I’ve outgrown being so inconsiderate, but I was for a long time. And I didn’t even realize that I was that way. No one told me. No one tried to correct me.”
Self-loathing filled her as she drew her knees up to her chest.
This was so much harder than she’d imagined.
“I’m so lost right now. Just when I thought I was getting my life in order, it all fell apart again. I keep grasping for that one thing that’s going to make it all right, that’s going to make everything fall into place and…and it’s always just out of my reach.” She sighed. “I thought if Dad got married, it would happen—like everything would fall into place for me. For our family. And that was so wrong. For starters, there was never anything wrong with our family. You raised five amazing sons, and you married an incredible man who held us all together when you were gone, and I don’t think I ever appreciated that. I was so busy focusing on what I was missing that I didn’t consider thanking him for all he was doing.
“He’s so strong, Mom. And I know it’s probably so weird for you to know that he’s dating and all, but he’s happy. He’s really, really happy. It’s so good to see him smiling and laughing, and I’m telling you, he looks ten years younger. Easily.”
More tears fell as Darcy stared straight ahead and looked at her mother’s headstone.
Lillian Grace Shaughnessy. Beloved wife and mother.
How many times had she stood here and read that and it hadn’t really registered? How often had she talked about her mother without letting it sink in that she was a real person? That she was never going to see her, meet her, or talk to her?
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I have to say this. Actually, I think I’ve needed to say this for a long time.” She took a steadying breath and braced herself for…something. “I was mad at you. I was so damn mad at you for not being here.” She sobbed loudly and didn’t care who—if anyone—heard. “My whole life, I’ve been angry at you, and even though I know it’s not your fault, I can’t help the way I feel. I listen to Aidan and Hugh and everyone talk about these amazing things that you used to do, and I feel…cheated. Why did I have to be born so late? Why didn’t I get to do any of those things with you?”
Off in the distance, Darcy saw another car driving down the road, saw other people bringing flowers to loved ones.
“I never admitted that to anyone,” she said as she furiously wiped away her tears. “I always knew it was wrong to feel that way and that people would think I’m a terrible person if I said it, but I needed to finally say it. I was afraid if I said it—if people really knew that I thought like that—they’d leave me. For a time, I thought it was why you left me—because you knew I was a bad daughter. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for thinking like that. I know now, and I understand that you would be here if you could. And you need to know that I would give anything for that to happen.”
She cried some more. She cried until there were no more tears left.
“I didn’t bring you flowers,” she said sadly. “In my defense, I didn’t realize I was coming here, but I should have brought you flowers. Daisies. I know they’re your favorite.” Another pause.
“I met someone,” she said, trying to sound cheery. “His name is Ben and he’s…he’s everything. He’s an artist, and he does the most incredible things with wood. And he lives in this cabin in Washington state.” She paused and let her mind wander to the cabin. “I would love to live there. Which I think is going to cause some major fights with everyone, but I really would. I spent so many years being forced to be close to home, and then I spent a couple of years wanting to be away, and here I am again. But to be with Ben? I’d live on the other side of the country. Pretty crazy, huh?”
Her head fell back, and she let the sun shine down on her for a minute. Straightening, she went on. “But that all fell apart, and I don’t know how to move on from it. I don’t know how to get over losing him. My heart…my heart is broken, and it hurts so much.”
A strong wind blew, and she shivered with it.
It made her think about her time at Ben’s cabin, how cold it had been and how she swore that she hated it, but right now she’d give anything to be there with him. Cold or no cold, she just wanted to be with him. She wanted to talk to him about her hopes, her dreams…and hopefully, their future. Darcy knew she was strong enough to fight for him, for them. She’d had time to think about everything he said to her, and coming here today to talk to her mother had been the right thing to do. She felt stronger, more at peace than she’d ever felt in her life. And as soon as she got home, she was going to call Ben and tell him.
But she needed to finish something first.
“I love you, Mom,” she said and realized it felt good to say it out loud. “I miss you every single day, and I want you to know that I am going to do everything humanly possible to make you proud.”
Slowly, she got to her feet and stepped in close to the marble headstone. She kissed her fingers and then laid them on the cold stone. “Thank you for being my mom. And I promise you, I’m going to come and visit more, and I’m really glad that I came here today.” She paused and ran her hand along the top of the marble. “I’m not mad anymore. I wish I could take back all the years that I was, but I can’t. I have to deal with that. But even when I was mad, I always loved you. And I always missed you. And I can only hope that you’re looking down on me right now and know…” Tears welled up again, and her throat tightened. “I love you.”
In a perfect world, there would be a response, a sign of some sort that Lillian heard her. The only thing that Darcy knew was that her heart felt full and yet light for the first time in weeks.
Maybe that was her sign.
She smiled at the headstone and then smiled up at the sky.
And then slowly made her way back to her car.
Chapter 12
“Son of a bitch!”
There was nothing wor
se than the sting of a sharp metal blade cutting through skin. And as he let out a string of curses, he made sure anyone within a five-mile radius knew it too.
He knew the drill. It happened often enough. Still cursing, he applied pressure to his hand and made his way across the dusty workshop to pull out the first aid kit. Within minutes, he had managed to slow down the bleeding even as he pulled out the supplies he needed to clean up and cover the wound.
Looking down at the newest cut, he grimaced. At this rate, he wasn’t going to be able to finish any of the work that was strewn across his workshop. His focus was off, and he was making careless mistakes. Once his hand was bandaged, he put the supplies away and put the case back in the cabinet. Leaning against the workbench, he let out a shaky sigh.
Something had to give.
He was killing himself—barely eating, barely sleeping—and for what?
There was a simple solution to all of it. All he had to do was call Darcy and tell her he was wrong. That he needed her, wanted her, couldn’t live without her. And while he knew it would help set things right, he knew he was still in the same predicament he was a week ago. He was still someone who was hiding from his past, his family, his life. It would be wrong to ask her to make peace with her life when he couldn’t do the same with his own.
Shaking his head, he turned and walked across the room, where he flipped off the light switch and walked out into the fading light. The cold Washington air hit him first, and it was such a contrast to the heat of the workshop that it felt as if he’d walked into a wall. It took the air right from his lungs, and he almost welcomed the sting.
Once he was in the house, he sat down on the bench and took off his coat, pulled off his shoes, and sighed. The quiet was killing him. When he stood, he looked around and saw all of the things that were familiar to him—pictures on the wall, the furniture—and sighed again. There were still traces of his grandparents here but nothing of his parents.
How was that possible?
Walking up to the main level, he looked around again. The afghan on his couch was made by his grandmother. The rocking chair in the corner was made by his grandfather. He had made sure to keep those things, because they reminded him of his childhood.
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