As I rest my head against the cool porcelain bowl, that I pray has been disinfected recently, I realize it’s not nervousness that made me puke. It’s guilt. I brush my teeth to get rid of the nasty taste, then go back to my room. My cell shows the call was dropped. I scroll through the list of incoming numbers, find Miss Hott’s, and dial her back. She answers on the first ring.
“Sorry about that, Miss Hott. And I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I can’t accept the tiara. I just don’t feel right about it.” I do feel guilty about taking the tiara off a missing girl’s head, but I’m also not going to be queen by default, that’s just tacky. I didn’t get the most votes so I didn’t win. Period.
“Are you sure? If you don’t take it, I’ll have to give it to the girl with the third-highest amount of votes, and that’s Amy. Which I guess would work out pretty good now that she and Rand are a couple.”
Her words twist in my gut. She just sits there waiting for my response for what feels like an eternity. It practically kills me not to scream, “All right, give me the freaking tiara already.” But I don’t. She finally hangs up. She must think I am completely mental after everything I’ve pulled this week.
Fabulous! I just handed Rand to Amy on a fake-gold, rhinestone-embedded platter. It’s only seven o’clock in the morning. I just can’t wait to see what the rest of this day has in store for me.
An hour later the school hallway is buzzing as I stroll to my locker. It must be the new queen gossip that’s got everybody hyped up. I’m only halfway to my locker when I notice Rand waiting for me. My stomach drops like I’ve just gone upside down on a roller coaster. Nobody has ever made me feel like this before. I smooth my pink-and-gray-plaid pleated skirt. I peek down to make sure my pink cashmere V-neck sweater is showing just a hint of cleavage. My hair is hanging in fat ringlets framing my perfectly made-up face. I’m kind of glad that Dad’s bike got stolen because I don’t much care for the windblown look. I put on the biggest smile possible and aim it directly at Rand. This is it. He’s going to confess that he just couldn’t stop loving me and we are going to live happily ever after.
“Morning, Rand,” I say, purposely invading his personal space so he gets a whiff of my new irresistible perfume.
He moves back a little then pushes a school newspaper at me. “Listen, Aspen. I just wanted to be the one to show you this.” So much for him scooping me up and us riding off into the sunset together.
I look down at the black-and-white photograph on the front page of the paper. My eyes must be playing tricks on me. I bring the paper closer to my face, but it’s still the same image. How can this be? The picture is of Tobi and Pippi behind the football concession stand, kissing. I’m not talking an innocent little Madonna/Britney Spears kiss. This kiss involves the sharing of tongues, spit, and possibly even cavities from the looks of it. The always-witty caption reads, “Which one’s the princess?”
My mind just refuses to process what I’m seeing. I must start shaking because Rand takes hold of my shoulders. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about how good it feels for him to touch me, but it does. I search his adorable face, confused. He nods his head yes.
“Pippi’s a dude?” I ask.
He shakes his head no.
“Somebody Photoshopped this, right?”
“No, Aspen.” God, his answers are so irritating. Why can’t he just cooperate and let me stay in my little bubble? I don’t want to know this. How could I have not known this?
“Tobi’s gay?” I squeeze my eyes shut hoping that will make this whole drama just disappear.
Rand says softly, “Yeah, she is.”
“Duh, Aspen. How could you have not known that? Everybody knew. You’re so clueless.” I open my eyes to see Amy, tiara and all, standing there mocking me. I pull my arm back to punch her in the face, but Rand sees me and gently lowers my fist. Damn, I would have loved to see her wearing her tiara with two black eyes.
“Amy, go to class,” Rand yells at her. She huffs loudly, then stomps off.
“Sorry about that,” he offers apologetically.
“Actually, Rand. She’s right. Tobi has been my best friend since kindergarten. How could I have not known this? What kind of a friend am I?” I shake my head, full of disgust for myself.
All of the pieces start to snap into place like a puzzle. Tobi’s never had a boyfriend. She has a boy name. The wink I saw between the two girls in class. All the time they’ve been spending together, and Tobi’s sudden interest in her appearance. She drives a pickup truck, for God’s sake. I have been clueless. My best friend has been wrestling with lesbo issues and I’ve been obsessed with matching accessories.
“Where is she?” I ask Rand.
“She ran out of here pretty fast once she saw the paper.” He realizes he’s still touching me and drops his hands. I really want to savor the way he is gazing at me, but I have to find Tobi.
“I’m sorry, Rand. I have to go.”
He smiles wide and says, “Yes, you do.”
* * * *
I pull into Tobi’s driveway parking behind Pippi’s Camaro. I have no idea what I’m going to say to get Tobi to forgive me. I don’t blame her if she doesn’t ever want to see me again. As I approach the front door it flies open. My hostess is Pippi and she doesn’t look happy.
“Did you stop by to torture her some more?” She says trying to sound sarcastic, but it ends up sounding like a cheer. Pippi is just naturally enthusiastic and sarcasm just doesn’t work for her. I don’t have anything against her personally. It was just hate by association because of her affiliation with Angel. I’m going to have to win her over first to get to Tobi.
“Pippi, I’ve been horrible. I’m not going to stand here making excuses for myself because there are no valid ones. Somewhere along the way I forgot that the most important things in life aren’t made of diamonds, leather, or cashmere. I just want to tell Tobi that I love her no matter what, but if she doesn’t ever want to see me again, I understand.”
“OMG, Aspen. That was like the sweetest speech ever.” She cheers jumping up and down. “Tobi is going to be so happy that you’re here.” She pulls me into the house and points up the stairs. I start the familiar route to my best friend’s bedroom that I’ve taken so many times before.
Tobi’s door is cracked and she is lying on the bed curled in the fetal position. I hear her sobbing. I creep into her room, climb into her bed, and wrap my arms around her. I let her sob until her tear ducts are empty.
Once Tobi stops crying I get off the bed and plop down in her hot-pink beanbag. I’ve been in Tobi’s bedroom a million times but everything looks different now. I feel like I don’t even know her. My black leather boots knock against a guitar case.
“You play the guitar?”
“Only for about three years now. I want to be a songwriter, remember?” she asks, her eyes questioning me.
“No, Tobi. I didn’t remember that. I haven’t been a very good friend to you lately. I had no idea that you were having all these lesbo issues. Is it okay to call you that?”
“We prefer dyke, but I’ll make an exception for you.” She laughs.
“I just want you to know that I don’t care what you’re into. I love you and I’m going to be the best friend ever if you’ll give me another chance.”
“Aspen, you’ll always be my best friend. You’ve just been a little preoccupied lately.” She moves from the bed to the beanbag to hug me.
A thought hits me and I jerk back. “Why haven’t you ever hit on me?”
She chokes on her own spit before answering, “You’re not exactly my type.”
Not her type? Hello! I’m everybody’s type. I decide it’s not worth debating. We’ve both found love in the most unlikely places. That’s all that matters. We sit hugging for a long time, in a best friend way, not a lesbo way. Jeez!
* * * *
The three of us are sitting around Tobi’s kitchen table sharing a pizza. I’m filling them in about Rand touc
hing my shoulders earlier. It turns out that they both thought Rand and I would be perfect for each other, but they knew I’d never even consider it.
“This is really hard for you, isn’t it?” Tobi asks me.
“What do you mean?” I answer with a mouth full of cheese.
“You’ve never really had to earn anything before.”
She’s right. I’ve been skating by on my beauty, intelligence, and addictive personality that people just can’t get enough of. I’ve pretty much had everything that I ever wanted dropped right into my lap.
“You’re right. I never realized how lucky I’ve been,” I finally answer.
“He’s so in love with you, Aspen. He’ll come back,” Pippi says. “I can’t believe how Amy has been all over him this week,” she adds, dropping a piece of pepperoni on her tongue.
“I know. It’s revolting. Now that she’s queen she’ll be with him all the time.”
They both drop their pizza and their mouths telling me this is a news flash.
“But you should be queen. Angel only beat you by three votes!” Pippi shouts.
Tobi whips her head around, facing Pippi, “How do you know that?” I’m glad she asked because I was wondering the same thing.
Pippi’s normally perfect-except-for-the-occasional-PMS-zit complexion starts getting all red and splotchy. It gets so bad that she could be the “before” model for acne medication. She knows something. Uh-oh. Something tells me that Tobi and Pippi are about to have their first girl fight.
“I said, how do you know that?” Tobi asks, blue eyes blazing.
“We … we … we … kind of … helped Angel … ch … ch … cheat.” She hangs her head in shame.
“What? Are you freaking kidding me?” Tobi puts her fingers below Pippi’s chin to lift her face back up. “Are you telling me that Aspen was supposed to be the homecoming queen and you helped Angel cheat her out of something she’s wanted her whole life? Please tell me you aren’t capable of something so evil.”
Pippi’s silence reaffirms her guilt. When she finally speaks, she says, “I’m so sorry, Aspen.”
Angel the Super Skank strikes again. The tiara was mine after all. I wait for the intense craving to plot revenge against Angel to hit me, but it never does. Instead, I almost feel grateful. Besides, Angel’s plan backfired on her when Rand got voted king so that was punishment enough for her.
They are both waiting for me to explode. I can see Tobi physically bracing for it. Pippi has her eyes closed.
“You know what, Pippi?” Pippi opens one eye to look at me. “I think you did me a favor. If I would have gotten queen I would have been mortified just like Angel was. I would never have taken the time to get to know Rand. Angel is actually responsible for bringing Rand and me together. I’ll have to thank her when she gets back.”
“Who are you? And what have you done with Aspen?” Tobi asks in amazement.
It takes a few minutes to convince Tobi that it really is me. But when she witnesses me shudder as I spy Pippi digging around in her obviously fake Prada purse, she’s knows it’s me. I sneak out when I notice the girls making googly eyes at each other. As comfortable as I am with Tobi being a lesbo, I’m not interested in being a voyeur.
As I drive back to school I think about how different things were just a few days ago. When Angel finally does come out of hiding her mind will be blown. Her best friend stole her tiara. Her other best friend is gay and in love with one of her biggest enemies. But when she finds out that I’m in love with Rand, she’ll be the one thinking aliens abducted her.
* * * *
I sneak back into school. You would think security would be a little tighter around here with a student “missing,” and all. I guess it’s a good thing it’s not with all the skipping I’ve done this week. I’m almost to my locker when the intercom clicks on.
Miss Hott clears her throat, then says, “Due to recent events, the faculty has made the decision to cancel the homecoming parade and the football game.” Her voice is interrupted by loud “boos,” “aw, mans,” and a few “that totally sucks” coming from inside the classrooms.
Once everyone settles down she begins again, “We realize that this isn’t going to be a popular decision, but due to Miss Ives’s disappearance, we have to take precautions. The good news is that because you can all be contained and monitored carefully in the gymnasium, the dance is still on for Saturday night.” Screams of joy escape the classroom doors.
Contained and carefully monitored? What are we, endangered species? The dance should be a real blast. It sucks about the game and the parade, but I’m getting sort of numb to disappointment this week.
I’m just about to slip into Psychology for the Teenage Mind when Miss Hott appears out of nowhere. Damn, for somebody who considers Twinkies a food group, she sure is stealthy.
“How nice of you to join us today, Aspen.”
“Listen, Miss Hott. You know how much I value the top-notch education here at Comfort High, but I had a total friend emergency. It just couldn’t be helped,” I plead.
“Oh, yeah. I saw the paper,” she says, shaking her head.
I get a thought that makes me angry. “Doesn’t the newspaper staff have to run its photos by you before running them?”
“I give them complete creative control. Besides, everybody already knew about those two anyway.” She shrugs.
Okay, do I need to continually be reminded that I haven’t exactly been the poster child for b/f/f? I’m working on it. Jeez!
“Aspen, since you’re here. Can you come out to my car and help me unload some supplies for the dance?”
Hello, stay out of class with an excused absence. I’m there.
“Sure, just let me put my books away first.” I turn around and walk back to my locker. I fiddle with the lock even though it is unlocked. The last thing I need today is a lecture on the importance of locker security. I shove my books in and spin around.
“Okay, I’m read … ”
“Do you normally talk to yourself, Miss Brooks?”
Miss Hott has disappeared and in her place stands the hairiest, most obnoxious man on the planet. Detective Harry (oh, man, that still kills me) Malone.
I turn my lip up and give him a snarl. “I was talking to my principal. She was just here,” I say, looking around, as if a 400 pound woman is just hiding in the hall somewhere.
“Right,” he says, unconvinced. “That’s why I’m here. To speak with your principal. We keep playing phone tag.”
“Whatever. I am so not interested in your ‘angeligation.’”
“I just didn’t want you thinking I was here for your boyfriend. He’s in the clear. So you guys can ‘blow’ out of here if you want.” He retorts without missing a beat.
I narrow my eyes at him. He is seriously testing my limited patience. I’ve been working so hard trying to be a better person. One comment from him and I want to chuck it all and rip him to shreds with my tongue. The words “electrolysis” and “wildebeest” fight to escape my mouth.
Just when I don’t think I can hold back any longer Rand comes around the corner behind Harry. Harry is forgotten. My heart comes alive to its own conga beat. Rand is wearing blue jeans that hug him in all the right places and his evergreen polo matches his eyes. I even like the Adidas flip-flops he’s wearing because I can see his adorable fold-over toes. He is coming right toward me. Our eyes lock, and my stomach drops so hard Harry could probably hear it. I feel shaky. It drives me crazy that I can’t read him at all. I want him so bad. Does he still want me?
Rand suddenly realizes who I’m talking to and a worried look flows over his impressive facial features.
“So. Where can I find this principal of yours?” Harry asks, oblivious to the Adonis walking up behind him.
“Hello? Aspen? Are you still with me?”
Rand comes up beside him. “Hey, detective.” He sticks his muscular hand out to shake the detective’s hairy one. I’d love to feel those hands running all ov
er my body. Focus, Aspen, focus!
“Hello yourself, Mr. Bachrach.”
“Hi, Rand,” I try to say casually, but it ends up sounding all dreamy. I am such a loser! I have absolutely no hand in this nonrelationship.
Harry, being the observant detective that he is, picks up on my total loser no-hand vibe immediately. His eyes widen as he looks back to me. I ignore him and keep gazing at my beloved.
“Hey, Aspen. Everything cool?” Rand asks, referring to the whole everybody-knew-they-were-lesbos-except-me situation with Tobi.
I smile sweetly at him and nod my head yes. He smiles back and for a second I get lost in thoughts of his lips kissing all over my body. I wish I could read his mind. He has to still want me a little bit, right? I wonder where I can get a Rand secret decoder ring?
I can almost hear Harry’s inquisitive brain whirring. He’s taking in all of our nonverbal communication. Rand breaks the silence. “Any news about Angel?”
Harry frowns as he remembers the reason he’s here. “Nothing yet. I just have some routine questions for your principal.”
Rand makes a pained look and shakes his head. I hate that all of this self-created Angel drama is worrying him. I hope Harry charges her with a crime when he finds her. Some jail time would do her good. With her coloring, she’d look totally washed out in an orange jumpsuit. That would be awesome.
“I better get going. Nice to see you again, detective,” Rand says, turning to go to class. He doesn’t say anything or even look at me. It makes me want to cry. I watch his sweet backside until it disappears around a corner.
“My, my, my. This is one for the books,” Harry says, dripping with sarcasm.
“Gimme a break, okay?” I am so not in the mood to trade barbs with him anymore.
“It’s not easy, is it?”
“I’m sure I have no clue what you are talking about.”
“Fighting for something you could have had and wondering if maybe it’s already too late.”
Revenge of the Homecoming Queen Page 10