by Mary Monroe
I was too weak to argue with Verna. It never did me much good anyway. I was glad that she was looking out for me. I sat there like a mute, all the way home.
I returned to work a few days later, like nothing had happened. But Larry was gone from my life forever, and so was my son. Verna had taken care of the burial of my baby. She had arranged a memorial service at the funeral home and to my surprise, my mean stepmother, Etta, showed up with flowers. The word mean didn’t describe her on this emotional day. She cried almost as much as I did. That meant a lot to me, and it had a lot to do with my quick recovery. I knew then that not every “bad” person was all bad.
A day after I returned to work, I got a call from Odessa while I was on my lunch break. Even though Odessa wasn’t that much older than me, I’d allowed her to take on a maternal role in my life. The same as I’d done with my stepsister, Verna. My mother had not been much of a mother to me, and I’d ignored the rantings of my grandmother. Etta had shown me in more ways than one that she didn’t care anymore about being a mother figure to me than she would a duck. Her behavior at my son’s memorial didn’t make up for all the years she had mistreated me. But when I had to be around her, I treated her with respect. It took too much energy to be angry. Besides, I wanted to use it all on Larry and any other man who dogged me.
Even though I sometimes protested, I liked it when Odessa jumped into her position of authority with me. “Now you see here, Miss Girl, you been mopin’ around long enough. You comin’ to that party me and Verna’s throwin’ for my brother if I have to drag you by the feet.” Odessa blew her nose and cursed under her breath. She had a mild cold she had contracted while sleeping with her bedroom window open the night before.
Odessa worked for the welfare department, processing applications for people in need of welfare assistance. Like me, she hated her job. She had shared dozens of horror stories with me about irate welfare recipients calling her up and threatening her with physical violence every time their check was late. When her job got to be too much for her, she called in sick, whether she really was or not. Her recent cold had nothing to do with her taking off sick this time. She would have done it anyway, just so she could be on call for me if I needed her.
Even though Odessa was already my best friend, I still went out of my way to stay on her good side. “Party for your brother? All right. I’ll be there,” I said in a meek voice.
Odessa’s brother, Bohannon Hawkins, was forty-eight, twelve years older than Odessa, and almost old enough to be my daddy. But I liked him right away. Even though he looked his age, he was not a bad-looking man. He wasn’t that much taller than me, and most of the limp hair on his peanut-shaped head was gray. He had nice, shiny black eyes and a smile that seemed to light up the room. And since he was the only male at the party of more than a dozen folks, he really stood out.
“Baby sister tells me you lookin’ for a new friend,” he said, talking loud enough to be heard over Grace Jones blasting from the CD player.
“I wouldn’t mind that at all,” I replied, following him to the corner in the small living room where we could have more privacy and a better view. We watched Odessa, Verna, and their husky female friends party their butts off. They danced, drank, and smooched like it was their last chance. It was entertaining, and I was glad to be present. I had the best time that night than I’d had in years. And I had Bo Hawkins to thank for that.
Bo was likeable. There was no doubt about that. His cross eyes, wandering all over the place when he looked at me, didn’t bother me at all. It was a while before I noticed his other flaws. Like his crooked mouth and stained teeth. Still he had a nice smile. After a few dates, I knew I could never love Bo Hawkins. At least not the way I’d loved Larry. And, I think he knew that. But he was the nicest, most charming man I had ever met. I felt bad about my mild feelings for him. However, I made up for that by always being available when he wanted to see me. I had nothing else to lose but time.
Bo was a convenient man to have around. He offered to do my laundry, buy my groceries, and clean my apartment when I had cramps or was too lazy to do it myself. He worked on my car when it needed to be worked on and he cooked for us when I didn’t feel like doing it. Larry had done the same things for me. There were times when I wished that Bo wasn’t so quick to do so many nice things for me, because it reminded me of Larry. And sometimes when I was with Bo, I found myself wondering what Larry was doing. Even when I was in Bo’s arms.
I felt kind of bad about wallowing in the same bed with Bo that I’d been in with Larry. It didn’t help when Bo served me breakfast in bed one Sunday morning, but I appreciated it.
“Bo, you spoilin’ me,” I told him, feeling sad, but forcing myself to sit up and smile. He handed me a tray with grits, bacon, and toast on it. When I was with Larry, I served him breakfast in bed. I would have done it for Bo, too, but serving me pleased him more.
“I’ll spoil you sure enough, if you let me,” he offered, plopping down on the side of my bed, giving me looks of love no man had ever given me. Not even Larry.
“Uh, you still thinkin’ about movin’ back to California?” I asked, stirring the overcooked eggs with my finger. It had been a month since I’d given birth. I had made love with Bo a few times. I didn’t know if it was because my mind wasn’t in it, or because what I felt for Bo was more pity than passion. But making love with Bo was even more boring than my job. If he hadn’t made so much noise while he was on top of me, I probably would have slept through it. One thing I had learned after my disaster with Larry was, there was more to a good relationship than good sex. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, that was all I’d really had with Larry. I tried to force myself to be passionate with Bo, but it was no use. He couldn’t turn me on with twenty thousand volts.
Bo was not rich and he didn’t have much of anything to offer. But he offered me the one thing I needed the most right now: a chance to escape. Oh, I knew that I could have done that on my own eventually. All I had to do was save up the money. But on my salary that could have meant staying in Barberton at least another six months. I had to get out of town before I ran into Larry or his wife. I was angry with them both, and I knew that if I encountered them again in public, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions.
“Just as soon as I get that muffler fixed on my car,” Bo told me, snapping off a piece of bacon and chewing it so hard his cross eyes were straight for a minute.
I gave him a surprised look. “You drivin’ all the way to California?”
Bo nodded. “I don’t travel no other way no more. Not after them lunatics of Bin Laden’s started blowin’ up planes and buildin’s that September.”
I laid my fork down and looked in Bo’s wandering eyes. “If you take me with you, I can help you drive.”
Bo had never refused anything I asked for and this time was no different. I quit my job, sold my car to one of my half brothers, gave Odessa and Verna all the stuff we couldn’t squeezed into Bo’s Ford station wagon, and just like that Bo and I left Mississippi.
With both of us driving, it took three days to get to San Francisco. Our only major stop was Reno, Nevada. That’s where I married Bo, even though he admitted to me when he proposed that he knew I didn’t love him.
“It takes more than love to make a relationship work, Bo,” I told him. “You’re good for me and I appreciate that.” I don’t know where my mind was. I never thought I’d see the day that I’d marry a man I didn’t love. It had to be because I hadn’t got my mind back together yet. I wanted romance and excitement. I didn’t expect that from a man I pitied more than I loved. “I’ll be a good wife,” I promised.
One thing I could say about myself was I was loyal to the people who treated me well. I could never forgive myself if I ever hurt a person the way I’d been hurt by Larry. And anyway, Odessa assured me that she would crucify me if I mistreated her brother.
Bo and I had a little more than three thousand dollars between us, but he was determined to get a job
blowing that horn of his with the first band that would take him. I planned to work, too, until I got pregnant again. That was something I hoped would happen right away. I thought that a child by Bo, even one with Bo’s cross eyes and plain features, would strengthen my feelings for him.
Bo had kept in touch with a few of his old friends in San Francisco. The man who had agreed to put us up until we found a place, had suddenly been offered a job in Alaska. He was gone by the time we arrived so we had no choice but to check into a motel. To save money, we chose the cheapest one we could find. From the looks of the run-down neighborhood, I could see why the tacky motel we’d picked was so cheap. We were in the heart of the ghetto.
There was a lot of mess going on outside in the motel parking lot when we checked into The Do-Drop Inn. Aggressive homeless people wandered around demanding money. Angry-looking people screamed at other angry people, while young boys walked around hugging huge radios blasting music that sounded like nothing but a lot of noise. About an hour after we checked in, Bo offered to go get us something to eat and drink from an all-night convenience store at the corner.
“Wait for my hair to dry and I’ll go with you,” I said, walking out of the dank bathroom with a towel around my head.
“No, you stay right here and warm the bed until I get back,” he insisted. “I ain’t goin’ to set around waitin’,” Bo snapped, nodding toward the bed. “Now you just get in that bed and be ready for me when I get back.” That was the last thing he would ever say to me.
The eleven o’clock news had just gone off. I clicked off the shit-box of a television, because it kept going off by itself anyway. The noise from my blow-dryer kept me from hearing some of the noise outside, but it didn’t drown out the yip yip of a siren that seemed to be getting closer and closer.
I looked at my watch. Bo had only been gone a few minutes. I finally cracked open the door and looked out. I couldn’t see what was going on because a huge, rough-looking crowd had gathered in the parking lot. In addition to an ambulance, several police cars were present. Feeling that I would be safe with a bunch of cops running around, I went out to investigate. And that’s when I saw Bo on the ground, with blood trailing behind him. He was on his belly, crawling like a snake, trying to get back to me.
I froze in my tracks. As long as I live, I will never forget the look in Bo’s eyes when he saw me. He smiled and blinked, as a huge tear rolled down the side of his face like a marble. Then he closed his eyes and went to sleep. I was still standing in the same spot, unable to move when the paramedics covered Bo and slid him into the back of the ambulance. Bo’s impatience had saved my life. If he’d waited for me to go with him, both of us probably would have died.
The hardest telephone call I ever had to make in my life was to Odessa to tell her that her brother had walked in on a robbery in progress and had been shot dead.
Chapter 6
ESTER SANCHEZ
Cops was everywhere, but nobody was telling ’em shit. I wasn’t worried about them cops; they never scared me. And they never bothered me ’cause I never gave them no reason to. Me, I seen that dude shoot that man, but I couldn’t say I seen it. Oh well. Too many of them thugs out there knew where I lived.
My man wouldn’t have been too happy if he knew I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, so I had more than one reason to keep my mouth shut. I was still supposed to be at the Mark Hopkins Hotel, spending the night with a trick from L.A. A thousand dollars for a whole night was a lot of money to me. Five Benjamins for me, five for my man. That’s the way we planned it. Usually, he only took a third of what I got from every trick. Lately, he was having a lot of expenses. And, so was I. I had to be cool if I wanted to stay hot. And staying hot meant I couldn’t be wasting valuable time with a trick that’s gonna sleep like a dead man.
That’s why when the trick at the hotel passed out, I tippy-toed out. I had to get back on the job. I figured I’d hop a cab over to Capp Street in the Mission, pick up one more trick before I had to meet up with my man and bring the trick to the motel that me and some of the street girls used. And that meant more money for me that I didn’t have to share with my man. I believed that the most important person to “get paid” for my hard work was me.
I felt kind of bad for not telling them cops what I seen. I seen everything through the window in the front of that mini-mart store. The trick did, too, but he wasn’t talking. He ran out to his car like somebody was shooting at him. I’m lucky he paid me first. The dead man was probably real nice. Him and his lady was checking into the room next door to me and my trick when we checked in. Their ride had Mississippi license plates.
Since the room was paid up for the whole night, I decided to stay and get some sleep. It had been a long day for me. That was my problem with being popular. A lot of tricks wanted to give me their money. And I’d been hella popular lately. But I needed to stay put until the cops left. I needed some rest. I needed to think.
The motel clerk was cool. He was a Mexican with no papers and he had crooked cops and drug dealers looking for him back in Tijuana. To make sure he stayed cool with me, I slapped a fifty in his hand every time I seen him, and he looked out for me. Besides, we spoke the same language. I never had to remind him that we Latinos had to stick together.
Clyde didn’t expect to see me until eight in the morning, in front of my apartment. By then, I’d have forgotten about seeing that man get shot. Death was one thing I didn’t want to deal with until I had to. I’d been hiding from it since the day I was born.
“Ester, you my best girl. I’ll take care of you.” My man, Clyde, told me that all the time, and it made me feel good. Even though I knew he was a liar. Him being a man, he couldn’t help that. He told all of his women the same thing he told me. I knew that because me and them other women talked about the things Clyde said to us. Clyde was also a stupid man. He had to be if he didn’t know that his women got together to rat him out to one another. But I was his first wife, so when he told me I was his best girl, it meant something to me.
In a way, Clyde and his wives was my only family. He ain’t married to none of us, he just called us his wives. He said it had more class than some of the things other people called women who slept with men for money.
I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for Clyde. I never thought that I would grow up to sell pussy. I never thought that I would grow up at all.
The woman who gave birth to me had better things to do with her time than to raise a baby. A few hours after I was born, my mother left me in a Dumpster in an alley behind a bar in the Mission District. Me, a little baby, was left there with the trash and hungry rats.
It was Clyde who found me. It was Clyde who saved my life and even though I lie to him, I would do anything for him. Well, not anything, but a lot.
I just wanted to forget all about seeing that man get shot to death. Besides, I needed to come up with a good lie in case I had to tell one to Clyde about tonight.
Chapter 7
LULA HAWKINS
Daddy begged me to come back to Mississippi after I called to tell him about Bo getting killed.
“I’ll pay your way home and you can move back into your old room ’til we find you another apartment. Why in the world you went runnin’ off to a hellhole like California in the first place is beyond me. Girl, what was you thinkin’?” Daddy’s voice sounded like it was a million miles away.
Etta’s voice was the next one I heard. It was a boom that sounded like it was coming at me from all different directions. “I tried my best to raise you right after your mama up and dropped dead. I see now that I didn’t do too good a job. You done quit your job, run off and married some musician, and now look at the mess you done got yourself into. I’m surprised that the devil who shot Bo didn’t shoot you, too.”
“I don’t want to come back to Mississippi,” I whimpered, spit oozing out of my mouth, greasing the telephone in my hand.
“Well, what do you plan to do, besides worryin’ everybod
y to death? Did Verna and them confused friends of hers put you up to runnin’ off the way you did? You ain’t got a lick of sense, but it ain’t like you to be runnin’ off. You ain’t smart enough to come up with a clumsy scheme like that on your own. Didn’t you shame yourself enough by gettin’ pregnant by that woman’s husband? You headed for trouble, girl. Bring your tail back on home before it’s too late,” Etta said, growling.
“I’m not comin’ back to Mississippi. Bye, Etta. I’ll talk to you and Daddy later.” I hung up and dialed my stepsister’s number. She picked up right away. “Verna, I might need you to send me a little more money until I find a job and a place,” I said dryly. I had cried all the way to the police station when they took me downtown to get my statement. To add insult to injury, by the time I got back to the motel, somebody had stolen Bo’s car! I didn’t even call the police back to report that. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to drive Bo’s car anymore so it didn’t matter. It was in its last days anyway. We had spent a lot of money during our journey on that car, so that it would get us all the way to California. And we’d made it by the skin of our teeth. I was glad it was gone. It was one less thing I had to worry about.
“Baby, don’t you worry about a thing. Me and Odessa’ll be out there as soon as we can get a flight,” Verna assured me. “I’ll give you every dime I got.”
“Thanks, Ver. I knew I could count on you. Let me…let me speak to Odessa.”
“She standin’ right here. Don’t keep her on the telephone for too long. She ain’t doin’ so good.”
I heard some muffled moans before Odessa spoke.
“Lula, you doin’ all right, girl?” Odessa sounded like she had a frog in her throat.
“I’ll be fine,” I lied. I felt like I was going to fall apart any minute.