His words were enough to make me break our eye contact.
He ran his hand down my slit, pressing his fingers down gently and opened me. “When you’re not with me, it feels like a fire is roaring underneath my skin, and it burns me raw.” He placed a gentle kiss on my mound and looked up at me again.
“Would you please look at me?” He clutched my ass, pulling me closer.
Staring instead at the black marble shower stall beside the bathtub, I shunned his request.
He brushed his lips against my labia, whispering his apology over and over again. A gentle kiss was placed on my thigh an even gentler lick was placed on my sex. He stated in a near whisper, “I’m going to make you come repeatedly in my mouth until you want me stop,” and proceeded to do just that.
I PUSHED AROUND the pancakes, coating them in syrup and watching them crumble. An eerie quietness hung between us for more minutes than I could count. I’d sat at the long mahogany table for long enough that the syrup began to crystalize and the pancakes had grown stale. Elias’s phone would buzz erratically, vibrating against the table every few seconds. He’d either hit ignore or ignore it completely.
He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. He held it gently, as if it were fragile and ran his thumb back and forth across the skin at my wrist. “Are you going to leave me, Ley?” His voice was pained and soft. While it lured me, it also infuriated me.
I dropped my fork and withdrew my hand from his, sliding it from the table to rest on my lap. I never hated the woman he transformed me into more than I did last night. It was hard to decipher between what I truly wanted and what he made me crave. “Yes, Elias,” I stated, unleashing the full extent of my anger on him through a low volume. “I am.”
“I really wish you’d stay,” he implored.
“Then, maybe you shouldn’t have done what you promised me you wouldn’t,” I snapped, raising the volume of my voice.
“What do you want me to do?” Leaning forward, he folded his arm across the table. His voice was as weary as his eyes. He’d run his hands through his hair so much it had lost its style.
I hated how attractive he was. I hated how he became more beautiful in his sadness and vulnerability. I hated that his words were tinged with pleas and devoid of the arrogant confidence they usually were. I hated that I felt wretched over him. The thing I hated the most…I didn’t want to leave and it had very little to do with wanting to continue my manipulation of him.
“If there’s anything I can do to make you forgive me, please tell me what it is.”
“Can you rewind time?” I asked frigidly.
He walked around the table. I quickly scooted my chair back, ready to leave. I only made it to the supporting wall of the entryway before he caught me. He blocked me in, forcing me to remain pinned between him and the wall. I felt the pain between my thighs and quietly sucked my teeth.
Grimacing as though he felt my pain, he sank against me. His hands moved to find mine, but I yanked them away, holding them out from my body. His touch threatened to make me forget, and I needed to remember.
He clenched his fists tightly on either side of his body, and I could’ve sworn I saw blood pool underneath his nails. His eyes were trained on my hands. “You have no idea how much this kills me.”
The blame game. Playing the victim. I knew the strategies well. I was taught to do the same, and it worked for a while with Roth. Being on the other side of a scene I’d usually create, a scene I witnessed my mother endure with her first husband, made me sick to my stomach.
A battle was waged between the parts of me Elias had. Before I could determine the winner, I dropped my arms and upturned my palm, allowing him to clutch my hand.
Caressing my hand, he relaxed, closing his eyes. “If you leave, Ley, I will hurt someone.” His eyes lifted, his chin remained slanted down. “Don’t force me to do that.”
“You’re just making it worse for yourself.”
“Then, tell me what to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, so tell me,” he said, his voice trembling.
“You need help.” I became choked up. Every word wavered from the quiver of my lips. Everything inside of me that was so easily held together, threatened to fall apart in front of him and give into what he wanted. It was a struggle between my duty, my emotions, and my self-respect. The last part of me slowly began to die, making way for the things Elias made me want.
I removed my hand from his grip, making him exhale sharply, as though I’d put him through the worst agony possible.
With balled fists, I clutched my tormented stomach, feeling ill over the fight for what I truly wanted. “Elias, if you get help—maybe, just maybe—I’ll think about speaking to you again.” I thrust myself forward to make him step backward. With enough space to leave, I headed for the door, but stopped at the doorway between the dining room and the hall. “Are you going to take me home?”
“You can’t do this,” he boomed, wildly searching my brown hued eyes. "You can’t make me feel things I didn’t intend to feel and leave me this way. What the fuck am I supposed do? How do you think a man like me is supposed to react? Did you think I’d deal with what’s between us logically? I can’t. You drive me past the fucking edge of insanity. Only you can keep me from going too far. If you walk out that door, nothing will stop me from plummeting into a place I’d rather not go.”
Sighing, he ran his hands down his face. “I wish I could tell you that things will be different, and I’ll never react the way I did last night again. But I know you. I know you. And I know you won’t stop doing whatever it is you’re doing to me.
“This is who I am, who I will always be. It will be the worst part, but I will give you the best. I will show you the best parts as long as you give me the real you.” His steps fell deliberately and quietly on the floor. His eyes held me, staring at me with a look that almost broke me. “I’m begging you, Hanley”—he swallowed hard, having difficultly continuing—“please stay.”
“Are you going to take me home?” I asked as coldly as my voice would allow.
His chin dropped to his chest, a shadow obscured his face. “Your car is in the driveway,” he stated in a low voice that didn’t sound like his own. “The keys are on the dash.”
I heard him from the moment I closed the door. The shouting and the wreckage that followed my exit. I looked at my right palm, dotted with his blood. The numbness slipped away from me, the torturous feeling of the loss flowed through every part of me.
Elias had gotten to a place inside me I never should’ve allowed him to. He was so deeply implanted there I felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. I fought it and remembered the woman who came to town with only one thing on her mind. She felt different when I readopted her, but at the very least, she allowed me to function enough to pull the car out of Elias’s driveway.
NINETEEN
CURLED UP IN MY bed while my father looked on helplessly, I couldn’t stop feeling the weight of loss and anguish paired with the hurt. I shouldn't have missed someone so much. I shouldn't have missed someone whose affection was diseased and poisoned. I felt physically and mentally gutted. Whether I was awake or asleep I could feel him—I could see him. It was a pain which throbbed deep inside my core. I kept it together for my father, but when I was alone in my bedroom, tears I’d never shed for anyone expelled at an unfettered rate.
“What are we going to do for money?" I asked sullenly. “I failed and now we’ll have nothing.”
"We'll figure out something, Hanley,” he assured me. “I don’t want to rush you, but you need to start packing soon. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”
"I failed you." I whispered, my words barely intelligible.
"It was silly to think we could do this."
"Not when there were things you didn't tell me.” I sat up in bed and tucked my legs underneath me. “There is more to the Caris than it seems."
"How so?" he asked, genuinely puzzled.
"It wasn't just the night at the g
allery that made me question things. His father—Natanael…threatened me.”
“He did what?” My father straightened his spine, his eyes full or fire. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“Because it wasn't a threat to me personally, and I thought, stupidly, Elias would never let his father to do what he’d threatened.” I took a second to breathe deeply. “I haven’t been around a lot of criminals, but Elias’s behavior? The way he commands people?” I shook my head. “I feel like there is more to all of it. Like Mom’s death wasn’t just revenge. It could’ve been she knew something she shouldn’t have and it was easy to cover it up that way.”
“Get some sleep.” He smiled sadly. “I really hope you reconsider going back to work tomorrow.”
“Any money we can get coming in before we leave is better than nothing.”
IN THE MORNING, as I dressed, a persistent feeling wouldn’t leave me. I paced around my room dozens of times, looking for whatever it was that made me feel out of kilter. Despite the odd, strong smell of flowers suffusing from the main area of the house, nothing seemed out of place. When I looked at my bed and fingered the left side, I realized what I had missed: Elias.
Dressed and ready in a manner that would make Claudia proud, I met my father in the kitchen. Except, there was no father easily found. At least twenty dozen variants of vases of flowers covered the tables, counters, and floors. In the living room, boxes, shopping bags, and shoe boxes from stores I coveted—but couldn’t afford to shop in—filled the seats of furniture and covered the floors.
My father raised his cup of coffee, indicating that he was in the kitchen amongst the sea of gifts. “They just kept coming and coming this morning. I didn’t want to disturb you with the doorbell, so I left the door open.”
“He’s…over the top, isn’t he?” I asked in awe while looking around.
“He will be at your job. A man who would do this won’t give up easily.”
IN THE MIDST of attending to a customer in the beauty section, and bringing her to the lingerie side to ring her up, I couldn’t help but notice the way she continuously glanced at my face. “Are you a makeup artist?”
“No,” I explained, smiling at the compliment. When I first took the job, I barely knew how to do much. After working there for almost half a year, I was much better at it. “I just do it on myself and occasionally customers when the assistant manager isn’t around.”
“Are there rules against applying makeup to customers?” she asked.
“We’re not supposed to,” I explained
“That is nonsensical.” She waved at the adjoining cosmetics store. “You have a fully stocked cosmetics line. This would be how you promote it.”
I bobbed my head in agreement. “Store policy.”
“I work for F.A.C.E. Cosmetics here in the mall. We just lost an artist to a promotion. You should apply.”
After running her card and placing her items in the branded white damask print bag, I gave her a friendly smile and said, “Thank you. I’ll consider it.”
I drifted around the store after my customer left, surveying what needed to be tidied up or rearranged. At the entrance on the lingerie side, Elias came in with his muscle, Jaco. I hoped Elias would give me the space I needed…or the space I thought I needed. As he stood there, his eyes trailing around the store, looking for me, I almost let him find me.
Shaking off the thoughts about how much I missed him and could’ve forgiven him “only if,” I marched toward the cosmetics store swift enough to kick up the air around me. I caught Claudia’s attention on the way and asked, “May I take my lunch now?”
She looked up from her clipboard and surveyed the store for a second. With a nod, she granted me permission to leave for lunch.
I slipped off my black blazer and headed out the door. I was almost a store away from La Dentelle when he called my name.
“Why are you here?” I snapped, turning on a dime. “Is there something you wanted?”
He gave me a boyish smile, a smile that claimed his forgiveness before he deserved it. “Since twenty-thousand dollars’ worth of clothes and flowers didn’t gain your attention, I came here to beg.” He glanced at Jaco. “It’s a huge deal for me to do this, because that man over there has worked for me for a number of years and been my friend since we were in diapers. To ever see me on my knees, pleading for anything might make him think the sky is falling…” Taking my hands in his, he got down on his knees. “…but if my sky is falling, so is his.”
My watering eyes rolled up at the sky, almost lured with the man’s way of persuading me. “Does this work on the women you abuse? It won’t work on me. Don’t worry. I’m picking up and leaving by the end of the month and you can move on to some other woman to woo and fuck over.”
His eyes turned dark and his face dropped.
I looked at Jaco, who stood near us, pretending not to listen in. Elias, appearing annoyed because my attention was divided, shot Jaco a chiding look. Jaco threw up his hands and walked in the opposite direction.
“Hanley?” Elias’s voice cracked as he gazed at me like I had destroyed the thing most precious to him and made him watch while I did. “No. You can’t. If you leave—”
“People are beginning to stare.” I glanced around at the shoppers passing us by. Some snickered, others stared at Elias with their mouths agape. A few select women swooned over Elias and shot me sharp looks in my direction.
“I don’t care,” he snapped, calling more attention to us.
I pried my hands from his and began to walk again.
“Hanley!” he shouted, stopping me cold.
Feeling him close in on me, I started up a hurried gait and marched harder, faster. Once I arrived at the indoor area of the mall, I had almost reached a running pace until he grabbed me and pulled me into the corridor leading to the public bathrooms and the mall security office.
“Get your hands off of me.” I swatted at his hands, wanting him away because his touch made me recall things that would weaken my resolve.
He held up his finger and took a step back. Shortly after pulling out the tails of his shirt, he began to unbutton it.
“What are you doing?” I hissed.
His chin rested against his chest. His dark, thick eyelashes glistened with moisture. Sadness swarmed his face, increasing in intensity with every movement he made. With his shirt undone, next came his pants. When he slipped out of both, he revealed the destruction he'd done to his body. His arms were slightly outstretched, and he looked like a beautiful, tragic, pain addict.
“Elias,” I gasped, stepping forward. As I touched his torso, he shuddered underneath my palm.
“I hurt someone when you left.” His hand moved up to caress my face but stopped just shy of making contact with my skin. “When that wasn’t enough, I hurt myself. I’ve never—ever—done this to myself before.
“I stood there, waiting for Jaco to finish a cigarette and I wondered what it would feel like against my skin. Would it be enough to make me forget you? Would it be enough to make the pain of losing you feel a little something less than the equivalent of being burned alive?” He pointed to the pinkish burns, maybe done by a cigarette, or a lighter, arranged in a perfect pattern down the side of his torso and inside his long, muscular thighs. “I did it repeatedly until I stopped feeling empty. Needless to say, it didn’t work.”
“Why are you so fucking crazy?” I asked wistfully, my mouth stuck in its open position.
“I’m crazy without you. With you, everything is much easier to control.”
I continued to gawk at him, my head moving from side to side. “Is it? Is it really, Elias?”
His hands clasped either side of my face too gently for me to feel the warmth of his hands against my skin. I pushed down the desire to make him hold me closer. The desire to make him reignite the sensation of what his touch made me feel.
“It will never happen again,” he promised me with enough conviction to make me believe him.
/>
“Luther was his name,” I struggled to say the words just as hard as I restrained the urge to cry. “He chased my mother around the house and beat her until he was tired. When he was done, he behaved like the sweetest guy the next day. He cried for her and gave her keys to the car she always wanted. The car sat in their driveway for months untouched. It wasn’t until he died that she sold it.
“After he beat her, he told her he’d never hurt her again. The next week, he beat her into a coma. After my mother woke up, she forgave him and continued to be with him until he died a year later. I always thought if he’d lived a little longer, he would’ve eventually killed her. He couldn’t fucking help himself.” With a renewed sense of anger, my eyes shot up to his. “Does any of this sound familiar, Elias?” I shoved his hands away, stepping backward. “You must think I’m the stupidest girl in the world.”
“It’s not fair to compare me to him,” he replied, his voice lowering a few octaves. “What I did to you and what I am capable of doing to you, even at my angriest, is nowhere near what that man—and I use the term loosely—did to your mother. I never would…” Clenching his fists as his arms hung tensely at his sides. He shut his eyes for a minute, and it apparently depleted what little was left of his defensiveness. “What do you want me to do?” he asked in almost a whisper. “And don’t advise me to leave you alone. Don’t tell me to give you space. Don’t say you want to see other people. None of those are options, and for one, I know it would all be lies if you said any of those things. So answer me, what do you want me to do?”
I tried to be strong in my convictions, but I failed miserably—visibly. I swallowed back the sob and shoved away my tears becoming angry at my lack of self-containment, allowing myself to come undone.
He came closer, embracing the back of my head. “I know you miss me. Maybe half as much as I missed you. Come back to me.” When my head tipped down, his soft lips pressed against my forehead and his thumbs swept the tears from my cheeks.
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