“So our timing is perfect then for heading south?” Zedic asks.
“More than perfect – I was about to head down on my own. Now I can get some EXP and some Orichalcum – two birds with one Redstone!” He glances from the hooded Veenure to Rocket, who has switched his attention to one of his throwing stars. “What? None of you have ever heard of Minecraft?” the blacksmith asks.
“Is that the game that psychologists use to screen for autism?” Rocket asks.
“That’s the one.”
“I remember that game!” he says excitedly. “It gets old real quick. I’d much rather spend my day kicking ass and taking names in the Proxima Galaxy than digging and building poorly rendered 3-D castles.”
“Easy there, Redstone,” I say with a chuckle.
~*~
We reach one of Aramis’ many portals and transfer the fee to the portal master, an NPC with a plague mask that resembles the oversized pollute masks people wear back home. I don’t get it; I never will. Why inhale something when you can just gulp it down? I don’t want to say kids these days, but the anachronistic phrase finds itself on the tip of my tongue more times that I’d like to admit.
The plague-era grim reaper takes our rupees and drops his head. A glowing yellow light illuminates the underside of the mask’s long snout as he mumbles something in what I assume is Thulean. One glance at Veenure confirms it – I catch her practicing the incantation under her hood as well.
“Nursery rhyme?” I ask.
“Not quite. People claim that a level sixty Dark Mage can use the same spell to transport anywhere in Tritania. Personally, I’ve never seen someone do it, but from what I’ve read in a GoogleFace group, it’s definitely possible. Something along the lines of cha khavaka, cha khavakae, cha tema khavaka, cha ducha khavaka.”
La Santa Muerte corrects her. “Cha ducha khavakae – a dead person moved.”
“Thanks,” she says.
“Where to?” asks Death by Design.
“Cape of Chukchis,” Rocket says, “86.06161, 22.75309
Chrono is the first on the portal, which consists of a hexagram surrounded by a circle and slivers of Thulean vertical script. His body vanishes from the bottom up; Rocket follows, giving me the peace sign as he disappears. Zedic’s next and I step up to the plate after he’s disappeared. The scenery changes from a bustling city to a sandy beach.
“I thought we were on a floating continent,” I say, looking out over the water.
“We are,” says Chrono. “The end of the continent is there.” His finger traces along the horizon. “You can’t see the drop off point, but it’s definitely there. Think of each continent as a giant waterfall.”
“So there’s water below?”
“It’s called the Endless Sea. If you flew on the back of a griffin to the continental shelf and leapt off, you eventually end up in the Endless Sea, where you’d end up as a sea monster’s Scooby Snack.”
“So there are no islands or anything?”
“None that anyone has discovered, a few have tried though. There’s one guild called Melville’s Finest that periodically drops ships down for expeditions. They’re usually eaten by sea monsters.”
“Named after Herman Melville?” I ask.
“Nope, named after one of his cousins, George Melville, who was one of the only survivors of the U.S. Arctic Expedition.”
“Interesting.”
Veenure spawns, arches her back, and throws her arms above her head as she takes a huge gulp of ocean air. “It’s beautiful! Anyone have a beach towel in their inventory list?”
“Actually … ” I do a quick scroll and realize that a beach towel is possibly one of the only things I didn’t pick up in The Loop. “No towel, but I do have a Styrofoam cooler filled with beer and ice, item 36, which self-replenishes once the beers run out. I also have a picnic basket filled with plastic explosives and tuna sandwiches, item 202.”
“How big is your inventory list?” Chrono asks.
“Sitting high and mighty at 573 items, the last item being the armor that you gave us.”
“Ah, the Harbenite and Vibranium,” he smiles fondly, “a wonderful alloy.”
Zedic says, “We can enjoy a day at the beach later, after we’ve retrieved the dragon. The Orcs’ Keep should be somewhere along this coastline.”
“How do you know?”
Frances Euphoria: The data that Ray Steampunk gave us.
“Oh, right.”
Rocket says, “I read about the Orcs’ Keep on a GoogleFace messageboard last night. The castle is on a giant rock formation jutting out of the water. It’s connected to the mainland by a single bridge.”
“What else did they say on the messageboard?” Veenure asks.
“It’s possible to battle on the bridge, but you can’t use any fire-based attacks while you’re on it. The entry point is protected by a band of orcs on Mûmakils. All NPCs, of course, so they’re constantly on guard. Attacks are limited on the bridge, but again, we have to be careful. Once we breach the rock formation, we should divide into two teams, each with a healer. One team can head around to the back entrance and clear out orcs, the other can hit it from the front. There are stone walls, but these crumble with each successful battle. The team in back will take fewer battles to prevail, about ten, twelve tops; the front assault team will have about twenty battles.”
Veenure says, “That’s a lot of information from a random GoogleFace messageboard.”
“I’m good at what I do.” The shift in Rocket’s mask tells me that he’s grinning at her. “We should divide our teams now so we can move quickly. Time is of the essence. As soon as we hit the rock formation, a thirty minute timer will appear on our screens. The orcs’ numbers reset when it hits zero.”
“Let me try to call my friends again, they could be helpful.” I find Dolly’s Seed in my inventory list and equip it. I hold the seed up to the air – nothing. I tap it against the ground – nothing.
“Maybe she’s mad at you,” Zedic says.
“What? Why? Why would Dolly be mad at me?” I glance up at the sky, expecting for Frances to comment. She doesn’t.
“Looks like it is just going to be us.”
“Fine, fine,” I say as I return the seed to my list.
Chrono says, “The five of us can do it – Three in front, two in the back.”
Zedic agrees. “Quantum and I can hit the back entrance. There will be fewer NPCs, and I can heal with each attack.”
Veenure nods, “That works. Chrono, Rocket and I should be able to handle the larger wave.”
“That settles it then,” I say. “Now, where does one find a castle filled with orcs?”
“Not far from here.” Rocket gestures towards the right. The outline of the coast changes as the land swells, separating the rock and water by at least fifty feet of cliff.
~*~
The Mûmakil’s huge forms are visible now, standing guard in front of the bridge that leads to the Orc’s Keep. A crew of orcs sit in large howdahs strapped the five war elephants’ backs, whipping the giant creatures with black whips and screaming in their foul tongue.
“Any strategy we should focus on here?” I ask before the battle starts.
Veenure says, “Chrono and you can move to the front row. You won’t get all the attacks, but you’ll get most. Cast Shield on your first turn and then assault as usual from there. Rocket, cast Heal Plus on both of them. Each time they’re struck, the entire party is healed by a percentage of the damage taken. Zedic and I’ll attack as normal.”
The battle begins. Chrono and I both cast Shield, which increases our life bar and our defense. Rocket casts Heal Plus on Chrono and says, “You’re next, Q!” A green plus sign appears above Chrono, it spirals down his body and spirals back up.
Veenure forms a triangle with her hands. A turquoise ball of energy forms in the center of the triangle and grows in size. Beams of light flash onto the war elephants; an upside down arrow forms in front of three of the parlo
us pachyderms.
“Defense Breaker,” she says.
Zedic places five arrows in between his fingers and pulls back, each connecting with the skulls of the Mûmakil. Their life bars drop just a hair.
Dust swirls in the air as the first Mûmakil attacks. He drives his tusks into Chrono, sending Paul Bunyan’s blacksmith into the air. Chrono lands hard and his life bar drops. It’s instantly refilled by Rocket’s Heal Plus spell. The next attacks in the same way, and Chrono quickly heals up. The third lifts its front feet into the air and brings them down on yours truly. My life bar drops by about a sixth. The next comes forward, pauses, and steps back.
“It’s charging!” Rocket shouts. “On the next round it will do an attack called MûmaQuake – twenty percent damage to all of us.”
The final Mûmakil attacks Chrono with its tusks; his life bar is again replenished.
Our turn.
“Ways to hurt an elephant … ways to hurt an elephant … ” Sure, I’d like to use my Buster Sword, but that might not do the damage I’m looking to do. “Aha!” An idea comes to me that just might work. After a quick scroll through the list, Item 490, a Crappy Tees T-Shirt Launcher materializes my hands. Up next is an old favorite, item 51, my Molotov cocktail.
Frances Euphoria: Seriously?
“It’s not a gun per se and I’m pretty sure.” I drop the Molotov cocktail into the T-shirt launcher. It fits like a charm.
One squeeze of the trigger and the Molotov cocktail hits the orcs on top of the first unlucky Ganesha. The flames spread and the orcs on top either burn up or abandon their howdah. The war elephant’s life bar immediately drops to just a quarter full.
Chrono pumps his hammers in the air. “Brilliant! Aim for the operators if you can; I’ll finish off the beasts!” With that, the big man takes a few running steps forward, jumps, hits the ground leaving a crater, and springboards into the air towards the first Mûmakil. His arms wide, he gives the towering creature a bear hug with his silver blacksmith hammers, clapping it on either side of its giant skull.
The first Mûmakil falls on its side and the flames engulf its body.
“Bang Bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer Attack – Badass!” Rocket casts Heal Plus on me and Veenure moves into position. She moves her hands as if she were making a snowball, and a spiked rock bursts out of the earth, piercing the second Mûmakil’s body and dealing twenty percent damage. As she finishes, Zedic looses a Shaft of Feathered Vengeance at the second war elephant’s operators and hacks away another twenty-five percent of their life bar.
“One down, four to go with one at fifty percent,” Rocket says.
The Mûmakil advance. The one charging during the last round is the first to attack. The MûmaQuake hurts, but with the Heal Plus spells cast, the Knights of Non Compos Mentis stand strong. Next up – Über Dumbo hits Chrono pretty hard, cutting his life bar nearly thirty percent. He recovers some and I take a hit from Babar the Big Bastard, possibly the most cantankerous of the four Mûmakil with his red eyes and the smoke billowing out of his ears. The final war elephant steps up, charges, steps back.
“We have another MûmaQuake coming!” Rocket shouts. He casts a healing spell that fills the air with white butterflies and pastel moths.
“That might be the least manly thing I’ve seen in a while,” I say as my life bar fills up.
“It works, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, and thank you.” My inventory list appears and I go with the same attack from earlier – my T-shirt launcher with a Molotov cocktail stuffed in the other end. I focus my attack on Berilia the Merciless, shaving off close to eighty percent of his life bar. The words CRITICAL HIT! appear in the air and quickly dissipate.
“Two at fifty percent or less,” Rocket says. “Anyone have an attack that can knock them both off?”
Chrono throws his arms wide and smashes the ends of his blacksmith hammers together. The resulting energy wave tears the earth in a straight line aimed right at the Mûmakils. The two with the lowest life die; the two left standing lose about fifty percent each.
“I can’t attack next turn,” he says, “so you four finish the job.”
“I’ve been wanting to try this.” Zedic comes forward and pulls an arrow back, aiming it at the sky. He tilts back ever so slightly and releases a single arrow.
“Excalibur Arrow,” says Veenure. “Launch it into the air and once it hits its peak it comes crashing down. The only problem is that sometimes … ”
The Excalibur Arrow lands next to Mr. Snuffleupagus the Terrible, causing a good amount of damage to the ground but only about ten percent to the war elephant.
“ … it misses.”
“So we have one at forty, one at fifty percent,” Rocket says.
“I’ll see what I can do.” Veenure cracks her fingers and she lifts into the air. A tornado forms at her feet and her midnight blue hair whips around her head. The tornado lifts off her body and transfers to the war elephants, killing the one at forty percent.
“Only one left.”
Jumbo the Jolting Juggernaut gives us his best MûmaQuake, cutting our life bars down even further (and filling them up thanks to Rocket’s spell). Still, at ten percent life, the Mûmakil will be hard-pressed to beat the best guild this side of Polynya.
“You want to finish him off, Rocket?”
“Can I?”
“Have at it, bud.”
Rocket bounces forward and gives the war elephant the Izuna Drop, which shouldn’t be possible but somehow works. The trumpet announces the end of the battle. EXP for all and Zedic moves up a level, unlocking an attack called Ice Arrow, and the guild gets enough rupees to buy a house in the Hyperborean Hamptons. Who can argue with the spoils of war?
Chapter Sixteen
“To the bridge!” Rocket screams, running ahead.
“Easy, kid!” I shout after him.
“What’s gotten into him?” I ask Zedic.
“I think letting him have the last kill got him pretty pumped up.”
“Clearly,” Veenure says. “Well, he’ll get there before us and a fight will start and we’ll be transported there.”
“Meaning?”
“We might as well walk,” she tells me.
Chrono says, “Those elephants were tough. Good rewards too. Did you check the loot?”
“Just cash on my end.”
“That’s right,” he says, “none of you have a trade job. I got several huge strips of Mûmakil hide. That stuff isn’t cheap. Not the best armor, but it works well for boots, necklace string and gloves. A couple of the orcs also dropped some high grade Orichalcum. We’ll definitely get more once we reach the castle.”
The Orcs’ Keep barely fits on the rock formation jutting out of the water. It looks like Goblin Ray Steampunk’s summer home – spires reaching towards the sky, an outer wall complete with crudely made drum towers, an entrance sealed with giant door that looks damn near impossible to open. And no surprises there – the castle is everything you’d come to expect in a fantasy world.
The suspension bridge from the castle to the mainland sways back and forth as Rocket approaches it. He stops just before the bridge, turns to us and waves.
“So we’re in back,” I shoot my thumb at Zedic, “and you three will handle the front.”
“Yes,” Veenure says. A gold-rimmed banner appears in front of me, asking if I’d like to divide the team.
“Do I press it now?”
“Yes, before Rocket starts a battle. This way, you’ll be able to move around us on the bridge and continue to the back.”
“Got it.” I press the YES button (written in Olde English script, of course) and a tone sounds.
“And not a moment too soon … ” Chrono and Veenure dematerialize, and their avatars reform in the fight on the bridge.
“Strange,” I say as Zedic and I travel forward. Once we reach the fight, all we can see are Chrono, Rocket and Veenure’s avatars standing still with crossed swords icons over their heads. “It takes p
lace in a different realm?”
“The big ones do,” he says. He tries to touch Rocket and his finger slides right through him. “I guess this is to prevent other players from doing anything while they’re in a battle.”
Seeing the three in a semi-frozen state grounds me; I come to the realization that I’ve come to countless times since participating in a Proxima World – this is a game, all a game, and none of it is real – but it’s real enough. Somehow this just drives home the fact that I more or less (with an emphasis on more) cheated on Dolly last night.
“As soon as we finish here, I’m logging into The Loop.”
“Fine by me,” Zedic says as we walk across the bridge.
Frances Euphoria: Ditto.
“Well, I’m glad you two agree,” I say, almost too snarky. “Sorry, I just get the itching feeling that something is wrong.”
Zedic shrugs. “Well, there’s only one way to find out.”
Frances Euphoria: Don’t worry, Q. You should have Steampunk’s dragon in the next hour or so. You can spend the rest of the day in The Loop if you’d like.
“Thanks for the permission, mom.” I mutter under my breath.
We reach the end of the bridge and a battle immediately starts. Two weaker orcs with Steve Buscemi faces and battered armor snarl and spit as they engage us with crooked swords and cracked shields.
“Tritania’s finest?” I ask as I brandish my Buster Sword. No sense in wasting precious time scrolling through my inventory list. One swipe at the World of Warcraft reject results in instant death. Zedic fires an ice arrow, which freezes the second orc.
“My turn again.” I give the Melkor’s frozen broodling a facelift in the most literal sense. His frozen head hits the ground and shatters into a thousand pixels. The trumpet sounds; Zedic and I get a morsel of EXP and a few rupees.
“Let’s head left.” Zedic points to a narrow ledge which hugs the structure tightly enough to make the passage difficult but not impossible. We pass in front of a garbage dump, filled with giant ribcages, digital troll poo, half-gnawed corpses, broken sticks, and a few mutated rat-men going through the mess.
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