by Howe, Violet
"Can we step outside?" I asked Mel as she slid her wedding binder under the cake table.
"I wondered how long it was gonna take you."
"What do you mean?"
"You've been walking around all day hovering between a zombie and a hysterical manic on the verge of tears. You put the cake knife beside the groom's plate on the head table, and you nearly ripped the DJ's head off his shoulders when he asked if you were having a bad day."
"I'm sorry, Mel." I teared up again, and I silently prayed I could lean more toward zombie than hysterical manic with so many people nearby.
"No harm done. I moved the cake knife, and the DJ needed to be taken down a notch. Thinks he's God's gift, ya know? But I wondered when you were going to tell me what's eating you."
We had barely gotten outside the reception room when it all came spewing forth, words and tears and sobs and snots in an incredibly unattractive mess.
Mel stood there calmly throughout my verbal vomit. She continued to stand there silently for a couple of minutes after I finished, an awkward pause that allowed me to catch my breath but almost made me wish she'd go ahead and say I told you so.
Instead, she looked at me without any emotion at all. "I don't see the problem."
"What? What do you mean you don't see the problem?"
"You finally figured out you love Cabe. Great. You also found out Cabe loves you. Great. And when you made a move to take the friendship to the next level, he went with you without any protest. What's the problem?"
I jerked my head back and looked at her as if she had two heads, neither of which was making sense to me.
"What's the problem? I've been completely oblivious."
"So?"
"So, his sister hates me."
"So?"
"But, but—"
"Tyler, you're in love with your best friend. He's in love with you. You don't need his sister's permission."
"But she said I hurt him and I led him on-"
"Did he say that? Did he in any way whatsoever make you think he was angry with you or felt misled or mistreated?" Mel crossed her arms and arched both eyebrows high above her confident smirk.
"Well, no, but—”
"Then there's not a problem. His sister may have a problem, but you're not in love with his sister. This is between you and Cabe."
"So what do I do? What do I say? It's so awkward. Do I just tell him what Galen said and apologize?" I swiped the back of my hand across my drippy nose, wishing I had a tissue.
"No! Screw her!" Mel scrunched her face up like she’d tasted something nasty. "I wouldn't say anything. He doesn't seem to be upset about it, so why bring it up and cause a problem when there's not one? The past is the past. You guys are moving forward now, and I wouldn't embarrass him or you by getting all I didn't know you liked me like that. Just leave it alone. He's a grown man. If he didn't say anything to you about his feelings, that's on him. Don't cause drama where there isn't any. Come on, it's almost time for cake cutting."
She turned to go and I stared after her amazed. It couldn't be that easy. I couldn't just ignore what Galen told me. I had to confront it.
Or did I?
I mean, after all, I didn't confront it when he asked me to sleep with him the day his divorce was final. I didn't confront it when he landed a big ole smooch on me after I told him I was going back home for Christmas and he thought it was because of my ex-boyfriend.
Was it possible to just let this go, too?
I followed Mel back inside and stood on the perimeter of the room as she went through the motions required for the rest of the event. As an assistant, I normally left weddings right after cake cutting. I wasn't needed once the guests finished eating and settled in for talking and dancing. But I didn't want to go home yet, and I wanted to put off calling Cabe back until I knew what I should do.
"Are you sure I shouldn't say something?" I asked Mel as we walked to our cars around midnight. "I mean, it can't be good to just keep ignoring things and not discuss what's going on. Shouldn't we get it all out on the table?"
"Good Lord, Tyler. You want to freak the man out completely? No guy wants to have the 'let's define the relationship' talk less than a week in. Granted, this isn't exactly a normal just-started-dating situation, but just let it be. When he's ready to talk to you about his feelings, he will. Guys don't like to be pushed into those conversations. Chill. Enjoy his company. Enjoy his kisses. Don't freak over everything."
The whole drive home I flip-flopped back and forth between agreeing with Mel or convinced I should call Cabe and apologize for the last five years. I'm not sure which side I had landed on when I finally dialed his number, but it went straight to voice mail, so I didn't have to decide. I just left a message saying good night. I'll decide tomorrow, I guess. After all, in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, January 5th
Well, it didn't come up today.
I tried. Sort of. There just wasn't a good time. There didn't seem to be a break in conversation where I could say, "Hey! So Galen says you've been in love with me for several years now. Cool! Sorry I didn't catch that."
Cabe called this morning to say his cousin Danny was playing drums for a music festival in Ybor City, so we headed over there for the day. He was in such a good mood I didn't want to bring up anything and make it awkward.
He greeted me at the door with a huge hug and a kiss that said he'd definitely missed me since Friday night.
"What's up, Buttercup? I packed a small cooler with some drinks so I need to grab some ice." He let me go and headed to the fridge.
Emotions rushed through me in rapid fire. Joy at seeing him. The thrill of being in his arms. Guilt for what I've put him through. And a teensy bit of shyness that came out of nowhere. I'd never flung open the door to Cabe and had him immediately lock lips with mine.
I opened my mouth to say I was sorry, but he turned to me with the hugest grin on his face, and my heart melted. I didn't want anything to take that grin away. I figured we had the whole day. I could apologize for being oblivious at any point. We didn't have to start off the day with it.
But the point never came.
We sat on a blanket for hours listening to the music. Holding hands. Nuzzling each other. Laughing. Kissing. It was like every comfortable, incredible day I've ever had with Cabe, except now his hands glided slowly over my shoulders, leaving goosebumps and shivers in their wake. He casually stroked my skin, his fingers like feathers driving me insane with desire. The same desire that darkened his eyes when we leaned together for a kiss.
It was like our friendship remained at its core. The joking, the camaraderie, the shared interests. Being completely at ease. But we'd shifted to another level. A subtle shift. The casual touch meant more. The spark had been lit beneath the surface, and I was more aware of Cabe physically than I had ever been when we were ‘just friends.’ I couldn't help but wonder if it had been like this for him all along, and I'd somehow never seen it.
After his cousin's band finished, we went backstage to say hello. Danny stood a good six inches shorter than Cabe. They shared no family resemblance at all, but their greeting revealed a closeness often reserved for cousins.
"Cabe!" Danny rushed forward to meet us, and they did the classic man-hug thing where they bumped chests and clapped backs.
"Dan, my man!" Cabe laughed and turned to put his arm around me as he nudged me forward. "This is my friend, Tyler. Ty, my cousin Danny."
I flinched a little at the introduction. I mean, obviously I'm his friend. And now as I write this, I realize it's a little childish or premature to think he would introduce me as his girlfriend or something. It's not like I need a label or a title to know Cabe cares about me. But I sort of wanted one. I wanted him to acknowledge me as something more than a friend. I realize we haven't had some big conversation establishing that we're going steady or something. If that's even what you call it at this point in life.
In high school, it
was easy. The guy gave you some token personal belonging, and you treasured it like it was the Hope Diamond, entrusted to your care for an indefinite period of time. You counted each day as some sign of progress toward love everlasting, sharing small celebrations with great fanfare.
"Happy two-week anniversary!" All the while praying the day would never come when he asked for his stuff back and you went back to the mundane passage of time.
I didn’t think Cabe was gonna dig some memento out of a box for me to wear on a chain around my neck, but I thought we'd crossed a definitive line. Swapping spit consistently throughout the day should have earned a bit more than a friend introduction, I thought. But I could be wrong.
Danny scooped me up in a giant hug; he clearly didn't care what label I'd been given. Any friend of Cabe's was a friend of his.
"Hey girl! So nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Did you enjoy the show?"
My paranoia kicked in. What had he heard? Was it the big family topic of conversation that Cabe's friend Tyler was stringing him along? Did everyone know that Cabe had been in love with me and I was clueless? Was the whole family mad at me or just Galen?
I stumbled out of the hug and nodded, mumbling something eloquent, such as ‘nice to meet you, too.’
The two of them talked about the band, the festival, and how things were progressing for Danny. Cabe's hand never left my back. He held me close as he listened to Danny, stroking my back with his thumb. To any outsiders or drum-playing cousins looking on, we were obviously ‘together,’ so maybe I was overreacting. It's not like he took three steps away from me and pretended we'd just met. I don't know why it bothered me. Why it still bothers me.
We took the cooler and blanket back to the car and walked hand in hand through Ybor to check out the shops. Cabe veered off when he saw a side street lined with carnival games, one of his favorite pastimes. The vendors came alive shouting for Cabe to win a prize for the lady.
"Does the lady want a prize?" he asked me with a grin, stopping in the middle of the street amid the laughter of children and the distant strains of music from the concert stage.
I perused the stuffed animal offerings. A rather large pink pig wearing a tutu, a few college mascot animals, and a green frog holding a daisy. Nothing I needed to complete my home décor, but I knew how much he loved winning this stuff.
I shrugged and looked at the basketball toss with its curved rims, the stacked milk jugs, and the walls of balloons interspersed with darts. I spied the water pistols and grinned.
"What do you say we have a little contest? The lady might win her own prize." I crossed my arms and nodded toward the pistols.
He followed my gaze and broke into laughter. I knew he would take the bait. We were both suckers for competition, and it didn't matter that this took no talent. As long as you kept your water stream on the bullseye without wavering, your car raced to the top and rang the bell. Luck in picking the seat with the strongest stream more than anything.
I plopped down on seat seven and he took six.
"May the best aim win," Cabe said. "I may have a slight advantage over you here. Aiming my stream." He winked at me as he paid the smirking carnival vendor.
"I might surprise you!" I grasped my pistol with both hands and stared down its tiny barrel toward the target.
"Oh really? Well, bring it on!" Cabe settled onto his elbows to aim, his massive height unsuited for the low stools.
Water dripped onto my hands as I waited to hear the vendor count us off. Suddenly, the buzzer rang and I squeezed as hard as I could, willing the water to come out faster and the car to move higher. I stole a glance at Cabe's car next to mine, and let out a mischievous laugh as it fell behind.
I had almost reached the bell at the top when Cabe put his hand over my eyes.
"Stop! What are you doing? Cabe!" I jerked out from under his hand just in time to see his car hit the bell seconds before mine. He sprang from his stool, waving his arms in the air victorious.
"Yes! I won! In the final lap!"
"You did not win! You cheated. You covered my eyes. I couldn't see!"
"Sometimes you have to overcome adversities, Ty. The road isn't always straight and narrow."
I looked to the vendor chuckling beneath his stubbly beard.
"That's not fair. We need a rematch."
"The lady can pick her prize." Cabe swept his arm toward the plethora of brightly-hued stuffed animals hanging from the tent.
"Oh, hell no! I want a rematch."
"I'm not gonna let you win."
"Why not?"
He sat on the stool next to me and put his hands on my thighs. "Because I want to win the prize for you."
"But you didn't. You cheated."
He considered that for a moment and shook his head. "Okay, rematch." He paid the man, and we assumed our firing positions again.
I swear the old dude behind the counter turned down my water pressure or stepped on the hose or something. It barely trickled out this time, and Cabe easily beat me. I think I even saw a conspiratorial glance shared between them.
Whatever. I have to admit that a teensy-weensy part of me is happy he wanted to win the stupid frog for me. I don't know that shooting a water stream into a bullseye to win a stuffed animal is necessarily a gallant act, but it was sweet, nonetheless. The frog is staring at me now from his perch on the rocking chair in the corner of my bedroom.
We never did have the talk. I didn't bring it up at dinner because I figured we'd have more privacy when we got back here. But then his mother called to say she'd locked herself out of the house and needed him to come home. So he dropped me off with a kiss in the car and drove away into the night.
Maybe Mel is right. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the past that brought us here, so why should I?
I got up and brought the frog back to bed with me. The faint scent of Cabe on him is comforting, but the frog is just a stand-in. Cabe is the real prize.
Monday, January 6th
"Wanna go to a work thing with me?" Cabe asked. We had just finished dinner and were washing dishes together. I had this momentary vision of us ten years down the line having the same kind of night and the same kind of conversation. Oddly enough, the thought made me smile.
"Sure, what is it?" I took each dish as he rinsed it, drying it and putting it away.
"Volunteering at an animal shelter."
"Oh wow. I figured you meant some cocktail reception with a bunch of computer geeks standing around talking in a code I didn't understand. An animal shelter sounds like way more fun. How is that a work thing?"
"We have this service initiative to get employees out in the community helping others. Each of us had to sign up for a project, and I thought you might like the animal shelter."
"Well, yeah! What's not to like about playing with adorable puppies and kittens?"
"Cleaning up poop and being covered in hair and slobber?"
I flicked my hand in the dishwater and splashed him. "It'll be fun!"
"I'm sure it will. As long as you don't bring anything home."
"I can't. I know that. I'd love to have a dog, but I'm never home."
He drained the sink and dried his hands on the towel I held. "Too much work. Too much responsibility."
"That's not it." I frowned as I hung the towel on its rack. "I don't think they're too much work at all. We always had dogs growing up, but I can’t leave a dog home alone all the time while I'm working crazy wedding hours. Not to mention traipsing all over town with you to movies and festivals."
"Exactly what I mean. If you have a dog, you have no life. You can't go anywhere. Can't do anything. You always have to be home for the dog. No thanks."
He wrapped his arms around me and leaned in to kiss me, but I resisted.
"Wait, so you're saying you wouldn't ever want a dog? Like, never?" I leaned further back as I asked, his arms still encircling my waist as I tried to get a better look at his face. "Never?"
The thought was disc
oncerting to me. I'd always assumed at some point I'd have a dog. Like, when I grew up and had a real house and a family and stuff. Not just me living alone in my apartment with the dog by itself, but I figured at some point I wouldn't live alone. Of course I'd have a dog then. Wouldn't I?
In my vision of future us, I hadn't necessarily seen a dog in the picture, but I assumed there would be or could be. It may have been a trivial thing, but it mattered to me. We hadn’t discussed the future. Our future.
"I don't know," he said. "Never seems harsh. But I just can't see me wanting to be tied down with a dog. It's a big time commitment. A big money commitment. I don't know. It's not something I've ever wanted."
"What if I wanted it?" I asked, leaning in closer this time. Wanting to bring us together on the issue, I suppose.
Cabe smiled down at me and planted a light kiss on my forehead. "Do I need to change our service project to beach clean-up?"
"No. I want to go to the animal shelter." But I also wanted him to tell me I could have a dog. That we could have a dog. That there would be a we.
He changed the subject and we moved on, but it bugged me in the back of my mind. I had come to some sort of peace about not bringing up the past and his feelings for me. To listen to Mel and not need the ‘let's define the relationship’ talk. But I wanted to know what he was thinking. What he was expecting. Did he see us ten years down the line drying dishes and attending work functions? Did he see us in the same house at some point? With a dog? I didn't want to ask, but I certainly wanted to know.
I think it's still bothering me that he didn't introduce me as his girlfriend yesterday. Which is stupid. Completely stupid. Why should I need a label to establish what I already know? I mean, if his sister was right and Cabe has been in love with me all this time, then surely now that I realize how I feel about him, we're just together. Right? I shouldn't need to have a conversation about it. Obviously we have a future. We love each other. We haven't said those words yet, but I know we do. We'll be fine. Cabe's The One. I know it. And one day, we'll have a dog.