by Howe, Violet
And now, two hours later, I have materials in hand to support my plan. I will walk into the office tomorrow and show them the newer, more confident Tyler. The one who can fly to Paris alone and make her way around the city. The one who left home and everyone she'd ever known to escape heartache and make a better life for herself. The one who gave up the man she loved to hold out for someone who could love her back in a healthy way. I'm going after what I want, and I'm not taking no for an answer. Something's gotta work out, for Pete's sake!
And who's Pete, by the way? Why are so many things done for his sake? What did he ever do for us?
Wednesday, April 9th
I brought in bagels and cream cheese and asked Laura and Lillian if I could speak with them for a moment in the conference room. I presented Lillian with a bagel I'd prepared just as she likes them, with her favorite chive cream cheese and crushed potato chips. She accepted the bagel and the request for a meeting, but she didn't look happy about either.
I laid out the handouts and timelines I had printed last night.
"What's all this?" Lillian asked, arching her eyebrows with a facial expression that would have struck fear in lesser women. I had a plan, though. I was mentally prepared for her disdain.
"While it certainly does not equate with a bachelor's degree, I found several nationally accredited certification programs for wedding consultants. I'd like to propose that I complete one of these programs, whichever you choose, and receive accreditation. The classes involved would further my education in our field, and with accreditation, I could obtain membership to be involved with local chapters of event management organizations. In the fall, I intend to register at the university to complete my studies and earn a degree in event management. This accreditation would serve in the meantime to show you my level of commitment and increase my qualifications for the senior position."
I had rehearsed the speech so many times last night and this morning that my words flowed together without pause or hesitation. It's possible I didn't even take a breath. I sounded like a recording being played back much faster than normal. But at least it didn't give them any time at all to interrupt.
"I realize this still leaves the issue of outside experience. I very much enjoy being a part of the Lillian and Laura team, so I don't want to quit my job here just to get experience somewhere else so I can come back here to get promoted. So, I was thinking maybe you could ask one of our fellow planners in the area to allow me to intern for an event. I could work on an entire wedding from start to finish to observe their processes, counsel with them to get best practices and feedback, and gain experience under different leadership."
I inhaled and sailed into the ending of my speech before they could protest.
"So I'd like to officially throw my hat in the ring for Chaz's position. I understand you'll be interviewing other candidates, but I feel my proven track record with the company, my desire for advancement, and my motivation to improve my qualifications should allow me the opportunity to interview."
I took a huge breath when I had finished, and I didn't know if I felt lightheaded from being so nervous, talking without breathing, or the slight hangover I had from drinking cheap wine spritzers.
Laura gave me a hesitant smile, and I could see I had a slight chance with her. I turned to meet Lillian's gaze, which was imperceptible as usual. That woman should have worked for the FBI. Or whatever the British equivalent is. I can't remember from the Bond movies what it's called. But you never know what she is thinking or feeling unless she chooses to share it.
Luckily for me, Laura asked her. "What do you say, Lillian? We'll be posting the position and asking for resumes. Tyler can submit hers, right?"
"Where are you going to find the time to take all this coursework, especially university classes, while interning for a competitor and managing a full wedding workload? Something will suffer." Lillian crossed her arms as she stared at me across the table, and I swear I saw a hint of glee twinkling in her eyes. She always enjoys playing Devil's Advocate in a challenge.
I had prepared for that too, though.
"Well, I've looked at the wedding schedule and found a block of time when I could complete the accreditation course with only two weddings being affected. Both of those are ceremony only, and the times do not conflict with another wedding, so I could ask Mel to cover them, or perhaps one of you."
"Why should we take on extra work for you?" Lillian took a slow bite of her bagel, much like a lioness casually toying with her prey.
"Because we're a team. Because it's the climate you've created in the office to jump in and help whenever needed. It's inherent in what we do every day and with every wedding. So I feel it's justified to extend it for a team member trying to improve her contribution to the team."
I swallowed and wished I had thought to bring in a bottle of water. My throat and mouth had gone dry.
"That may work for summer, but what about university this fall? Ongoing courses will be much harder to work around."
I nodded and formed my words carefully. "Yes, true, but the efforts invested to help me achieve this will more than pay off in the long run. I can take some classes online around my schedule, and I will know what the classroom times are so we can work around that with scheduling. As far as interning, if it's only one event, it shouldn't equate to more than an hour or so a week other than attending planning sessions. Then of course I'd need the weekend of the actual event scheduled off here."
Lillian looked to Laura.
"I don't see any reason she can't apply. We'll weigh her against the other applicants and hire the best candidate for the job," Laura said.
Lillian nodded and stood, her bagel in hand.
"One more thing," I said, my voice crackling a bit as I almost lost my nerve.
Lillian looked back at me and frowned. "Yes?"
"The accreditation program requires a mentoring internship. However, that could be waived if you would both write a recommendation and summary of my experiences here. I'd like to ask if you'd do that for me."
Lillian nodded as Laura said, "Sure. No problem."
Laura and Lillian exchanged glances before Lillian left the room. Laura gave me a side hug as we walked out together and went our separate ways to our own offices.
I floated on a high the rest of the day. Almost giddy. I had taken charge of my own destiny. True, I can't control what Laura and Lillian decide or where they put me in the end, but I'm still proud of myself for making a decision to move me forward. I've spent entirely too much of my life making choices based on what other people wanted from me or reacting to what they did to me. It felt good to pursue the things I wanted.
Lillian walked out behind me when we left today, and she waited until just before I reached my car to speak.
"Nice to see you show up today."
"I'm sorry?" I turned back to face her, unsure of what she'd meant. She smiled at me then, a genuine smile that started in her eyes and transformed the rest of her face.
"I said it was nice to see you show up today. All feisty, fiery and prepared. I liked it. I admire backbone, and I've always thought you had one in there somewhere, hidden beneath the ingrained facade of politeness. I look forward to seeing more of it."
She walked past me as I stood momentarily stunned, but she turned back as she opened her car door.
"You should have asked for financial assistance, though. The company could have sponsored your accreditation as continuing education. Probably could have covered the whole cost."
She got in her car and drove away before I could think of a response.
What the hell? Why give me these little morsels of wisdom in the parking lot when it's too little, too late? Could she not mention some of this while we are in the meeting and it would actually be of benefit to me?
What is her deal? I drove away with the same feeling of not knowing whether she's trying to help me or taunt me.
Tuesday, April 15th
Tax day. Nothing like w
aiting to the last minute possible to deal with the devil.
I can organize someone's event like nobody's business, but my own life is a disarrayed shamble of papers and receipts stuck here and there with little scribbled notes in the margins. Every year I say I'm gonna do better, and every year at this time I'm scrambling to find everything and pull together an inventory.
It's a good idea to do an inventory, I think. To clean out and clear out and toss what's no longer needed.
I packed up all Cabe's photos today and put them back in the closet along with anything that reminded me of him. I took the stuffed dog and the frog out from under my bed and carried them down to the dumpster in a white trash bag. I couldn't resist one whiff of them before I tossed them in. It's been a month since I've seen him, but his scent still lingers ever so faintly. On the stuffed animals and on my heart, I suppose. But I have to move on. I even deleted our text history from my phone, along with all his contact information. I unfollowed him on every form of social media, too.
I can't believe he just walked out and never looked back. I mean, I told him to, I guess. But I didn't think he'd actually do it. I believed in my heart that he loved me. That I needed to force his hand. But now, I don't know. Which is the same conclusion he came to, is it not?
I've grieved enough. I've cried enough. I've waited enough. I'm tired of checking my phone multiple times a day just to see if I missed a call. Weary of scanning every store, every crowd, every intersection to see if I catch a glimpse of him. Tired of driving with no music playing because every song reminds me of him in some way. Done with avoiding any movie involving romance and sitting home alone in a funk.
I'm just done. Screw this.
It's time to accept the truth and move on.
I think I must be getting better at dealing with pain.
When my high school and college sweetheart Dwayne left me, it was crippling. Incapacitating. I couldn't move. Couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. I had to run as far as possible just to be able to live.
When Cabe left for Seattle, it was depressing. I stayed in bed for weeks. Any time I wasn't working, I slept. I lost weight. But I could breathe. I could live without running.
When Cabe disappeared in January, and then again in February, my hurt burned and ached and ate away at my insides. But I could still function. Still work.
This time, it's a numb, dull, ever-present emptiness that always feels like I'm hungry and can't be satisfied. Like someone tore out a piece of me and left behind a jagged hole. I mean, I'm okay. I'll be fine. I go through the motions of each day, and I engage in life without him. I'm even making plans for my future. So I'm doing better than just surviving.
But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every minute of every day. I think I've just grown so accustomed to hurting over Cabe that it's become a natural part of me. A function I do subconsciously, like breathing or blinking. The pain is just there, in the background, festering without ever truly healing.
Maybe cleaning out any sign of him will help the healing begin.
While I was at it, I packed away all the photos of Jack, too. Still disappointed he never called. Obviously easier to take than Cabe. What I felt for the two has absolutely no comparison, but there's still a sense of hurt and rejection there. Looking back on my time in Paris with Jack still seems surreal. Like something I watched or read, not something I lived. Completely removed from my actual life, almost as though it didn't happen. I find it hard to conjure up his face without concentrating and for the life of me I can't remember the sound of his voice.
I'm still grateful for him. Grateful for the experiences we shared. The way that weekend shaped me. I still think it changed who I am. I hate how it hurt Cabe, and I wish it could have turned out differently, but with all said and done, I can't say I regret Jack.
I just wish he had called. To validate it all somehow. I mean, if there's one advantage to getting involved with two men at the same time, it should be you're assured at least one of them is going to call? Right?
Maybe I should just burn this diary. Let go of all of it. I flip back through these pages and see so much of my life spent worrying about Dwayne. Cabe. Jack. My job. My bosses. My mother. Maybe I'll burn it and start fresh. A new diary. A clean slate. Fresh white pages not yet marred by the darkness the ink of life brings.
Thursday, April 17th
Yeah, so obviously I didn't burn it. Seemed a waste after I've put so much time and effort into documenting all this stuff. I'm sure there will come a day when I look back through it and laugh and say "Oh, wow. I remember that."
Not sure how far away that day is, though. It ain't today.
I came in this morning to find balloons and streamers filling my office. I fought my way through to my desk and stood there looking at the mess in bewilderment. Were they celebrating my birthday late? Like, way late?
"Congratulations," said Laura as they all piled into my tiny office. Laura, Lillian, Mel, Carmen, Chaz and Charlotte. The closest thing I have to family down here. "Ladies—"
"And Chaz," Lillian added with a grin.
"—and our gentleman," Laura continued, "please allow me to announce our newest senior planner, Tyler Warren."
"It's a temporary assignment," Lillian chimed in, ever the realistic party pooper. "Your permanent status will be contingent upon you acquiring the credentials we agreed to."
I nodded and grinned from ear to ear as happy tears filled my eyes. Just when I thought I'd run out of tears, I found I have a reserve supply. I guess I haven't been tapping into the happy ones so much lately.
Laura asked me to come to her office to sign the paperwork for the promotion contract, and Lillian followed me in.
"Now, as Lillian mentioned, we've made this a temporary six-month assignment. That should allow you enough time to get your accreditation in order. When you receive your official status, we will then sign a permanent agreement. However, if at the end of the six months you still haven't been certified, we would need to go back to your current contract as a ceremony manager."
I nodded my agreement as I looked over the contract wording.
"I don't see any mention of the bachelor's degree. This only mentions certification, and six months isn't long enough for me to get the degree."
Laura and Lillian exchanged glances, and I got the distinct impression they didn't agree on the topic.
Laura spoke first. "In the interest of setting precedent and taking into consideration those already in the position, we've decided to forgo that requirement. We would certainly encourage you and support you should you choose to pursue it. After all—," her eyes cut to Lillian's, "—my own degree is in interior design, Melanie's is in restaurant management, and Lillian doesn't even have a degree."
"All the more reason you should pursue yours, Tyler," Lillian said. "When I was a young woman such as yourself, I made choices which eliminated a degree as an option for me. It is one of the great regrets of my life. And yes, I've measured some success without it, but an education is invaluable. It's something you earn that no one can take away from you or rob you of. You will always have it, long after Laura and I are no longer with you. Wherever you may go from this point, having a degree will be an asset. So please, Tyler, do consider pursuing it even though we are not requiring one."
I left work feeling happy and accomplished, ready to celebrate my new future. I went and bought the comforter set and curtains I've been wanting since I saw it in the store months ago, and then I stopped by the paint store on a whim and picked up the most beautiful, tranquil lavender to match.
New me. New job. New bedroom. New life. I feel like I'm cutting loose the strings that have held me back and I'm ready to soar.
Friday, April 18th
I stayed up until almost three last night painting my room. With each brush stroke, I imagined myself painting over the past. Covering up old hurts and past heartaches with each stroke of my new life.
Tonight I made the bed with the new comforter set with its soft, dov
e gray background and beautiful watercolor flowers in varying shades of lavender and violet.
I added some new candles I'd purchased to match the bedding and hung the deep violet sheers from the new silver curtain rods and finials. I'd framed a couple of black and white architecture shots I'd taken in Paris on that first night alone, and they provided the final touches to make the room complete.
I stepped back to admire my handiwork and literally clasped my hands together and giggled. I love the way it turned out. The wall color is so peaceful and serene, and the bedding set is elegant yet whimsical. It completely transformed my bedroom.
Now the room is a welcoming sanctuary for me rather than an empty reminder of love lost. It reflects my state of mind, I think. I feel calmer. More confident. More at peace. But determined to move forward. Determined to choose a path of happiness for me.
Since I returned from Paris, I've tried to make choices and decisions to stand up for myself and seek what's best for me.
They didn't all turn out the way I'd hoped, but I feel good about the future. I'm excited about my job, and I have to believe there are more good things in store for me if I just keep moving forward and leaving the past behind.
Saturday, April 19th
Three observations on today.
1. British people are nice. If every wedding I did could be a British couple, I'd be fine with that. I've done many in my time here, and I've yet to encounter a nasty British bride or groom. Even their guests are nice. Just thrilled to fly across the pond on holiday and enjoy a lovely wedding. Definitely a great start to my day this morning, even if they did bring confetti after being told not to!
2. Insanely detailed itineraries do not work. Chaz's bride today (his last wedding with us—sad, not sad) had created an itinerary so freakin' to the minute that it was literally impossible to follow. Itineraries should be a guideline. Something to go by to keep things on track and in order, but adjusted as necessary throughout the day. Today's bride had typed absolutely everything by her stopwatch.