by Sy Walker
“We can decorate for Christmas tomorrow,” Earl said. “If you want.”
She snapped her gaze to him. When he gave her a good-natured shrug, she beamed. “If you’re comfortable with it, I would like that very much.”
He nodded. “I am.”
Her heart fluttered. This was going to be her first Christmas season with Earl—her first good one since her parents died. It was reassuring to know that he wanted to partake in these traditions with her. More than that, it was a little moving. He was willing to do something good for her even though it reminded him of his late wife? Even though it hurt him? Anna was determined to do right by him as often as she could, and she was going to make sure this man had a good Christmas with her.
A good Christmas. It had been a long time since she believed she would get one of those again.
Chapter Five
The next day, Earl took out a few small crates from the cellar and placed them inside the front room. After he pried the crates open, he showed Anna all of the ribbons, fancy candles, ornaments, and religious figurines inside them. Anna carefully picked up a figurine of Jesus and cradled it in both of her hands.
“You can decorate the house while I go look for a tree,” Earl said, glancing over the crates.
“By yourself?” She put the figurine back into the crate, her eyes never leaving her husband. “Are you sure you don’t need any help? I really don’t mind going with you.”
He shook his head. “There’s a sled in the barn, behind the table. And I got some strong horses; I’ll manage.”
Anna bit her lip. Earl was a muscular man, yes, but the thought of him going out into the forest alone still made her stomach churn with worry. What if she lost him because of some unavoidable accidental? Many horrible possibilities tormented her, making fear jitter through her veins.
Earl grabbed her hand, startling her. When she looked up, she saw that he was smiling at her.
“I’ll be fine,” he said, squeezing her hand. He looked more amused than anything else, but she could see a bit of patient concern in his expression. “I wouldn’t leave you alone over a Christmas tree.”
She couldn’t help but chuckle at that, her fear twisting into something a little more…calming—or, at least, something she could tame. She straightened a little and held her head high. “You better not, Earl Smith.”
“I won’t. I’ll be back before lunch.”
“Alright. Be careful.”
He laughed. “Don’t worry so much! Have a little faith in me.”
She gave him a hard look. “Only if you’ll be careful.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“Then I have faith in you.”
He smirked, fondness in his eyes. Then he nodded and went to their bedroom to put on his winter clothing. As he did that, Anna looked deeper into the crates. She took out a few red ribbons and glanced around the front room and the kitchen.
“How do you want me to decorate?” she called back to Earl.
“Any way you like,” he called back. “It’s your home, too.”
Warmth bloomed throughout her torso. Biting back a grin, she started thinking about how she wanted to decorate this year. She set up some ribbons over the mantle—realizing that she hadn’t found any stockings yet—when Earl walked out of the bedroom with a heavy coat on and a large pair of boots. She turned around to say goodbye to him, but he was already heading out the front door.
“Be careful!” she said sternly, a little peeved that he would just up and leave like that.
“Have faith in me!” he said, winking at her before he exited the house.
A breathy groan crawled up her throat, worry once again churning within her. “Lord, please keep him safe,” she prayed. She hesitated a moment, wondering if she should try to pray harder, before she forced herself to calm down a little.
Sighing, she went over to the crates.
The Lord answered her prayer and kept her husband safe. More than that, the Lord helped Earl find the ideal tree—nothing too tall, nor too wide; it fit perfectly beside the front door and in front of two of the house’s windows. And as Earl had been setting up her tree in that perfect spot, he complimented the way she had made the entire house look, which relieved her as much as it warmed her heart.
She used the ribbons and figurines mostly to decorate the home, only placing a couple candles on the kitchen table; the idea of having many flames inside the house had made her weary. Besides, having a minimal amount of light made the atmosphere more soothing, she thought. Ultimately, she was proud of the display, and it was wonderful to know that Earl liked it, too.
“Would you like to decorate the tree with me?” she asked him in response to his compliment.
Earl grunted, finishing with keeping the tree in place. When he backed away from it, he kept his gaze on the tree as he panted. “Sure.”
Giddiness jiggled through her flesh, making her bounce as she walked over to the crate with the ornaments. She grabbed several of them and held them in her arms before returning to Earl’s side and handing him one.
Tentatively, he plucked the ornament from her hand. He observed the fragile red dome, a distant look coming over his face.
Anna frowned. “Are you alright?”
He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just remembering.” He moved forward before she could say anything more. Then, with a great deal of gentleness, he placed the ornament on the tree.
Anna swallowed, feeling as if she was intruding on a private moment. A bit of jealous swirled through her then, but she shoved it aside; Earl and Emma didn’t deserve to have such a wretched feeling directed their way.
After several seconds of silence, Anna dared to ask, “Good memories?”
Earl turned to her and smiled. “Yes.”
“Good. Let’s create some more.” Awkwardly, she took one of the ornaments from her arms and put it on the tree. She nearly lost grip on the other ornaments though, and panic spiked through her as she jumped to encircled her arms more around the ornaments.
Earl jumped toward her, as well, his hands hovering over the fragile items in her hands. Once everything was settled, he laughed. “Here, let me help.”
Anna giggled, shifting her arms around so that Earl could take several of the ornaments. His hands brushed against her sleeves, sending strangely warm shivers throughout her flesh. She decided to contemplate on the contradicting sensation and focused on decorating the tree.
When they were finished, it was dark outside. Nothing but the two candles on the kitchen table illuminated the small cabin, and she used that tiny bit of light to observe their beautiful Christmas tree.
“This more perfect than I ever dreamed it would be,” she blurted, soothing albeit disorienting emotions reigning over her senses.
Earl laughed, the sound light and sensitive. “You have high expectations for a tree.”
She snorted and playfully glared at him. “No, you oaf. I mean—” She swiped her arms out, motioning around them. “Everything. This cabin, this place, this tree—everything is just perfect. It’s exactly like I dreamed the little cabin in my snow globe would be.” Embarrassment warmed her cheeks at the childish admission, and she quickly cleared her throat and glanced away. “I mean…without the glass surrounding us, obviously. And then the Christmas decorations…I just liked to daydream sometimes.” She had no idea what she was saying anymore, so she clamped her mouth shut and willed Earl to change the subject.
“I’m glad this is perfect,” he said, voice low and full of affection. “You deserve it.”
Her heart stuttered, and she turned to face him. “Earl, you deserve perfection, too. I don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for you and this place.” Her face was still warm, and he was staring at her with such intensity that it was hard to think, let alone breathe. She smiled through it, gratification and fondness soothing some of her anxiety away. “Thank you for saving me, Earl, and for giving me so much.”
His eyelids lowe
r as he continued to stare at her. Though it was rather dark where they stood, she could see the emotions swirl in his eyes. He seemed…not drunk, exactly, but something seemed to be making him pinpoint his complete focus on her. And he was smiling, leaning forward just a little.
Hope and want flashed within Anna. Without thinking, she leaned toward him, too—much faster than he was leaning.
Earl’s eyes widened and he stepped back, his entire form stiffening.
Anna jolted, nausea immediately gripping her stomach. The look on his face now…he seemed horrified and confused, as if he had just woken up from a nightmare. It made tears of humiliation and rejection form in her eyes, her heart clenching and her throat constricting.
Earl said nothing for a long moment before he shook his head and hurried toward their bedroom. Once he was inside of it, he slammed the door shut.
Anna allowed the tears to run down her cheeks. Awareness burned her psyche, reminding her that she and Earl had made an arrangement; he was still loyal to his late wife, and he had told her that—had explained that to her. Lord, she was such a needy fool. How could she have done this? She ruined her perfect moment by not only wanting too much, but by asking for too much. It seemed as if her years with Marino had taught her nothing.
Anna bowed forward, her entire body tensing as agony and regret took a hold of her.
She cried for the rest of the night. And she didn’t dare go into the bedroom. Instead, she rested on the floor by the fireplace until dawn.
Chapter Six
The following days went by terribly. There was so much awkwardness and tension between her and Earl that it couldn’t be ignored, yet that was what the two of them tried to do. Anna had been too cowardly to apologize for her transgression, and Earl didn’t seem to want to talk with her about anything anymore. They ate their meals in silence, avoided each other in between those times, and then at night, Anna would sneak into their bed after she knew Earl had fallen asleep.
By the fourth day of this, Anna couldn’t stand it anymore. Her eyes were always sore, her head always ached, and her entire body was always so fatigued. And more importantly, the longer that this tension continued between them, the more it hurt for Anna to breathe. She missed him; she missed her best friend.
During breakfast, both of them sitting in their usual spots, Anna finally said, “Earl, I’m sorry I tried to kiss you.”
Earl dropped his fork, his entire body going rigid. He didn’t look at her though; he looked at anything but her.
Anna wasn’t deterred. “It was beyond foolish,” she continued. “And I should have known better, and I will know better in the future, I swear it. I am so sorry I did that, and I am so sorry I caused such a rift between us. Please, tell me what I can do to fix it, and I will.”
Earl remained quiet. And he still refused to look at her. He just stared down at his half-finished breakfast, his hand ghosting over his dropped fork.
“Earl,” Anna whispered brokenly, desperation seizing her. “Please, I’ll do anything to make this right.”
Earl cringed. Then, rather abruptly, he stood up and went into their bedroom. He came out a second later with his coat and boots in his arms.
Anna tearfully watched him head outside, into the cold, before he even properly put those garments on.
After dinner, as Anna was washing the dishes in the bucket of water Earl had retrieved from the nearby creek for her, Earl told her that he needed to go into town the next day.
Anna’s grip on a dish tightened. These were the first words Earl had spoken to her in days, and they sounded like…it sounded like he wanted to spend time away from her. Pain encased her torso, a shuddering breath passing her lips.
“How long will you be gone?” she asked quietly.
Earl was stand
ing in front of the fire, his posture tense. “A few days, I think.”
Anna dropped the dish into the bucket and ignore the large splash that followed. “A few days? Why? What do you need there?”
He looked over his shoulder at her, his eyes softening. “Just a few supplies, honest. There’s no need to worry, Anna.”
“But I don’t—”
“Anna,” Earl said, turning around. His voice had been quiet, but one might have thought he had screamed at her from the way she immediately went silent. His green eyes hardened as they bore into hers. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course,” she said without thinking.
“Then please continue to trust me.” He gave her a small smile. “I will leave tomorrow, get what I need from town, and be back within a few days. I promise.”
“It’s almost Christmas,” she said. When she realized her hands were quivering, she pressed them against the bucket’s rim and forced herself to be motionless—to at least appear strong. “Will you be back before Christmas?”
“Definitely.”
Anna nodded and tried not to twitch. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, all the while the urge to run over there and grab him—make him stay with her—overwhelmed her the most. She forced herself to return her attention to the dirty dishes as she said, “Alright then.”
Earl didn’t say another word to her that night. He stared at the fire for several more minutes, then went off to bed.
Anna stayed up to worry about what his words and promises implicated before she, too, went to bed. As she slid next to him—listening to him snore loudly—she feared that this would be the last time she ever slept next to him, for what if he was going into town to abandon her? It was a cruel thought, and Earl wasn’t a cruel person, but it tormented her all the same.
Her eyes wide, she stared at Earl’s sleeping form in the darkness. Deep down, she didn’t really think he would leave her alone in the middle of woods. However, she was convinced that she had ruined whatever it was they had between them. An unconventional platonic marriage? She didn’t know, nor did she care; she just missed her Earl.
Loneliness and fear making her ache, Anna dared to reach out and touch Earl’s arm.
The man continued to snore soundly, undisturbed.
The warmth and softness beneath her fingers was calming—made her heartbeat not hurt so much and made breathing easier.
She fell asleep with her hand on his bicep.
She woke up with her hand on a note, promising Earls return in a matter of days. The note also told her not to worry and to make sure that the animals are fed while he is gone.
Anna clutched the note in her hands as she continued to lie in bed. Her grip on the note tightened after she reread it a few times, then it tightened some more until it started tearing the feeble paper.
He couldn’t even stick around long enough to say goodbye? Did he despise her that much now? Was he that uncomfortable around her now?
Almost lazily, tears seeped out of her eyes and crawled down her jawline. With a great deal of reluctance, she eventually sat up and got out of bed. Then, after setting the note aside, she went about her morning routine—making the bed, getting dressed, and so on. By the time she was ready to leave the bedroom, she no longer felt as devastated as when she had first read the note; she just felt tired.
Sighing, she exited her room and headed toward the kitchen, but she stopped abruptly when she noticed her knitting basket.
Earl’s Christmas present—almost finished—was in there.
Anna swallowed thickly. Would he even want a present from her this Christmas? Would it suggest too much? Pain thrummed beneath her skull as she tried to figure out what to do. It was so frustrating that she decided to skip breakfast. She ended up walking over to her knitting basket and fishing out his sweater. Staring at it hurt her more than she thought it would, but she was determined to figure out how to fix this—how to still provide a nice Christmas—her first good Christmas, this was supposed to be.
Perhaps this sweater could be an apologetic present? She hadn’t ever heard of such thing, but people gave out presents when they were happy; why not give out presents when they wer
e sad? And if she explained this to Earl, maybe the gift wouldn’t offend him. Better yet, maybe the gift would help mend their relationship back to the way it was.
Reassured and determined, Anna settled in her rocking chair and worked to finish Earl’s sweater.
Chapter Seven
The days she spent alone in the cabin were more challenging than she had expected them to be. Not only was the loneliness a fierce agony that constantly pulsated within her chest, but the quietness of the homestead was mind-numbing at times. One would think the animals would provide some noise—something for the human mind to notice—but during these cold times, they were fairly quiet. Even when Anna milked one of the more finicky cows, the creature only mooed a couple of times before falling silent.
It was so surreal that Anna sometimes worried that this new life she had started with Earl was nothing more than a dream. The biting cold outside helped to knock some sense back into her though, which was why she found herself working out in the barn more often than she needed to.
Shivering in her red coat, Anna tossed seeds at the chickens beside the chicken coop. The hens were more than eager to peck up their food, and she was a little content to just watch something happen—the icy chill in her bones reassuring her that this was real, that this was happening.
The distant sound of a running horse made Anna turn. She listened harder, her gaze flitting toward the direction of the sound. When it became louder—sharper, closer—her heart pounded harder and she smiled.
It was Earl.
She dropped the rest of the seeds in front of the chickens before hurrying toward the sound of the horse. Soon, she saw Earl riding the horse toward the barn. As she stumbled to an awkward, stiff stop, Earl urged the horse to slow down and turn. He was only a few feet away from her when the animal came to a full stop.
Mesmerized and relieved, Anna stared at Earl as he hopped off the horse with a small package beneath his right arm. He smiled at her, though his eyes shone with concern. “Are you alright?”