by Susan Lewis
‘You’re right there. You were damned near inseparable. You never used to dance with anyone but each other at parties, always sat together at dinners, Christ, I bet you two even went to the john together. And tell me about the presents! I recall teasing him once about all the flowers he sent you, you know what he said? “Helena, I love that woman so much there aren’t enough flowers in the world or enough words in the dictionary to express it”.’
‘He said that?’ Kirsten smiled, feeling her throat tighten.
‘Yep. So, come on, what the hell went wrong?’
Kirsten shrugged and sighed. ‘Me. I went wrong. I thought I was over all those problems in the past, but suddenly, one day, there they were staring me right in the face again. I just couldn’t believe he would continue to love me the way he did.’ Her eyes drew focus as she came back to the present. ‘And I was right,’ she smiled. ‘He didn’t.’
‘But something must have happened. I mean, he couldn’t have stopped loving you,’ Helena clicked her fingers, ‘just like that.’
‘No, he didn’t. I forced him to. God, it was an awful time. I just couldn’t stop myself hurting him. I was so convinced he was going to leave me, I was so insecure and afraid he just didn’t know what to do. He got so desperate at one point he asked Paul to speak to me, but I wouldn’t even listen to Paul. Of course, I’ve been through enough analysis now to know that it all stemmed from the death of my father, and not believing that someone I loved would stay with me, but none of us realized that then. Well, I think Paul did, but like I said, I wasn’t prepared to listen.’
‘It’s still hard for me to believe that Laurence didn’t stand by you. I mean if Paul knew what was going on he must have told Laurence.’
‘He probably did, but then Laurence met Pippa and the rest is history.’
‘Except that you’re still not over him, are you?’ Helena asked gently.
‘As I said earlier, it’s hard to say when I haven’t seen him for so long.’
Helena’s nerve ends were starting to prickle. She knew she’d be going right out on a limb to suggest what she was about to, but hell, why not give it a shot? After all, it could be the answer. ‘There’s a party at his house this weekend,’ she said. ‘As it so happens I’ve been invited. Why don’t you come along too?’
Kirsten’s eyes widened in amazement. ‘You’ve got to be joking!’ she cried, horribly aware of the sudden sickening dip in her stomach. ‘Go to Laurence’s house! Helena, you’re out of your mind.’
‘Well, it’s one way of finding out how you feel about him,’ Helena said, still not really sure whether it was a good idea or not. ‘And look at it this way, everybody who’s anybody will be there. Think of all the contacts you could make, contacts you’re going to need if you want to get started again – I take it you are intending to start again?’
‘Of course I am. But right now Laurence McAllister is just about the last person in the world I want to see. And I’ll most definitely be the last person he’ll want to see.’
‘But why would he feel that way when so . . .’
‘He just would,’ Kirsten interrupted.
‘Well you’re going to run into him sooner or later.’
‘Then let’s make it later, shall we? Besides, with Paul so recently dead I’m really not up for . . .’
‘Oh come on, Kirstie! You and I both know that Paul would be furious to hear you using him as an excuse not to face the world. And OK, it’s a tough world, tougher for you than most right now, but that’s all the more reason to get out there and show them what you’re made of.’
A quick anger sparked in Kirsten’s eyes as she met Helena’s. ‘You’re forcing me to tell you things I don’t want to tell anyone,’ she snapped, ‘but this much I will tell you, perhaps then you’ll drop the subject. When Laurence and I split up I had a total breakdown. I was such a mess that for the first six months I was in France I was confined to a hospital bed. I had nurses on duty twenty-four hours a day to stop me trying to kill myself, I put Paul through the kind of hell no one ever deserves to go through and it was all because of Laurence McAllister. Because of what he made me do to myself and to him. So please, Helena, don’t try to make me see him again, not yet anyway. I’m still not ready for it and I don’t know that I ever will be.’
Helena’s luminous eyes were filled with remorse as she looked back at Kirsten. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I had no idea it had got that bad.’
As the anger faded from Kirsten’s eyes she reached across the table for Helena’s hand. ‘I’m sorry too,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t have told you like that. But it’s not something I particularly enjoy talking about.’
‘Does Laurence know?’ Helena asked. ‘I mean about the breakdown?’
Kirsten smiled. ‘He more or less witnessed it, at least the start of it, though whether he realized it was a breakdown, I don’t know. All he wanted was to get me out of his life, but I just couldn’t let him go. I’d rather not repeat the things I did at the time, just suffice it to say that I told him I’d get him back one day even if I had to kill Pippa to do it.’
Helena giggled. ‘You said that? How theatrical! Did you mean it?’
‘At the time, yes. I’d have done anything to get him back.’ She gave a sardonic grin. ‘Though I don’t think Pippa’s untimely despatch would have enhanced my chances much, do you?’
‘Not much, no,’ Helena laughed. Then the humour was gone and she sighed deeply. ‘God it’s such a shame things turned out that way, Kirstie,’ she said.
‘Mmm, well, it’s in the past now. He has a new life and I have one to create. So, shall we change the subject?’
‘Sure. I know, what are you doing for dinner tonight? My treat, if you’re free.’
‘Are you kidding?’ Kirsten laughed. ‘I’m always free these days, and my treat – after all I’m a wealthy woman . . .’
‘You sure are,’ Helena said smiling at her fondly.
‘Oh no, you’re not going to get all mushy on me, are you?’ Kirsten cried throwing up her hands in horror.
‘Hell, I nearly did for a moment there,’ Helena said, feigning astonishment at herself and making them both laugh. ‘It’s a shame about the party,’ she said, ‘but there’ll be others and we were always so good at parties, weren’t we?’
‘Outrageous, is what I’d call it,’ Kirsten grinned. ‘And sure, there’ll be others.’ An impish light suddenly shot to Kirsten’s eyes. ‘Mind you,’ she said, ‘it could almost be worth going to his just to see the look on his face. God, can you imagine! He’ll probably think I’ve come to pop off Pippa. What’s she like, by the way? Do you know her?’
‘Not very well,’ Helena shrugged. ‘She seems an OK sort of person, I guess.’
‘And she and Laurence? Are they happy?’
‘Oh, now that’s one hell of a question. What sort of answer are you looking for?’
‘How about the truth?’
‘OK, well, let’s put it this way. Some would say that they’re very close, and others would say that they’re welded at the hip. So I guess that must mean they’re happy.’
‘That’s good,’ Kirsten said, feeling the warmth seep from her smile. Then clapping her hands together she said, ‘So, where shall we go for dinner?’
‘How about San Lorenzo’s where we always used to go?’
They left the restaurant just before midnight having discussed just about everything under the sun – dredging up yet more outrageous deeds from the past, throwing out crazy ideas for their futures – but still they weren’t done. They returned to Kirsten’s house where they opened more champagne and talked and laughed into the early hours of the morning. It was somewhere around three o’clock by the time they finally staggered up the stairs together. Helena crashed out in one of the guest bedrooms and Kirsten picked her way through the maze of packing cases yet to be sorted and flopped down on the bed she had shared with Paul during their brief visits to London.
To her surprise, af
ter all the champagne she had consumed, she couldn’t sleep. Her mind was racing, going round and round in circles and always coming back to the point when she and Laurence had finally broken up. She fought it, tried every trick she knew of blotting it from her mind, but for some reason tonight it was impossible. And in the end, so exhausted by her efforts, she stopped trying and for the first time in years allowed herself to go back to that terrible time, for the way it had finally ended simply couldn’t have been worse.
What she had told Helena was true; Laurence had met Pippa, but there was more to it than that, much, much more, and Kirsten knew she would never forget the events leading up to what she had done in the end.
It had started the night she saw Laurence and Pippa together. By that time Laurence had already tried several times to end their relationship, but Kirsten had never dreamt that it was because he had met someone else. Why should she think that when despite all the problems they were having they were still, albeit rarely, sleeping together.
At first, when she’d seen him with Pippa, she was so shocked she could feel nothing. But the pain, when it hit her, was so bad it seemed to empty her whole body. It filled her, it took her over so completely that nothing else in her functioned. She waited for him to call, day after day after day, until in the end she called him. He came to see her and the minute he walked in the door and stood in the middle of the room in which they had shared so much she knew that any tiny hope she might have cherished that they could try again was already dead.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply. ‘I’m sorry you had to find out like that.’
For a long time Kirsten had just looked at him. She could hardly believe that it was possible for something to hurt so much. ‘How long have you been seeing her?’ she whispered, her voice coming from the very core of her pain.
‘A few weeks.’
Something inside her was screaming. Her hands came up as though to ward off a blow. Laurence reached out to steady her, but Kirsten tore herself away. ‘So you’ve been seeing her, sleeping with her, while you’ve been sleeping with me?’ she said.
Laurence turned away.
Kirsten’s world started to spin. She reached for the chair beside her and closed her eyes trying to steady herself, but the pain, the betrayal, was coming over her in a relentless tide. Suddenly she was six years old again, waving her father off to work. He’d never come back, she’d waited and waited, but he’d never come back for his princess. And now Laurence was going to leave her too. This time it really was over.
Somehow she held herself together, forced what little courage she had left to summon her dignity. She lifted her head and found Laurence still looking at her. ‘What’s her name?’ she asked.
She had never seen him look so distraught in his life. ‘Pippa,’ he said quietly.
‘Why didn’t you call, Laurence? After you saw me, why didn’t you ring me?’
‘I didn’t know what to say,’ he answered, dashing a hand through his hair. ‘Christ, Kirstie, I tried with us, God knows how much I tried, but you just wouldn’t let it happen.’
‘I will now,’ she said. ‘I promise you, Laurence, I’ll let it happen now. If you’ll just say you’ll try again.’
‘It’s too late, Kirstie. You’ve killed it. Can’t you see that?’
‘But you love me. You always said that you loved me.’
He shook his head and her blood turned to ice. ‘Maybe I did love you,’ he said. ‘I don’t know anymore. You got me so confused I just didn’t know what I was doing.’
‘But you knew what you were saying,’ she persisted. ‘And you said you loved me. I believed you, Laurence . . .’
‘No! That’s just it, you didn’t believe me.’
‘But I do now.’
‘Kirsten, for Christ’s sake! I don’t love you now. Can’t you see that. There’s no point in believing it . . .’
‘But you do love me, Laurence. You do.’
‘No!’
For a long time there was silence until Kirsten said, ‘Do you love her?’
‘Don’t ask me that.’
‘I’m asking you.’
‘Kirsten, just leave it, will you?’
‘I need to know.’
‘Why? For God’s sake what good will it do you?’
‘A lot, if you said no.’
‘Well I’m not going to say no. I’m not going to say it because I don’t want you thinking that there can be anything between us now. We’re finished, Kirsten. I’m sorry, the last thing in the world I wanted was to hurt you . . .’
‘Then why are you doing it?’
‘Because you’re fucking well making me. All you’ve done for weeks now is make me hurt you and I can’t take any more. I thought I loved you, Kirsten, but I was wrong. There! I’ve said it. I was wrong. I didn’t love you, I just thought I did. And I’m sorry.’
‘I’ll do anything, Laurence, anything you say, if you’ll just give me another chance.’
‘I don’t want you to do anything, goddammit!’
‘I’ll go to see a psychiatrist, get myself sorted out,’ she pleaded. ‘If I do that will you change your mind?’
‘No! It’s over!’ His anguish was so apparent that Kirsten could no longer bear to look at him. ‘Oh, Kirstie,’ he groaned, as she covered her face with her hands. ‘You’re just making this harder on yourself. I’m going to go now and I’m going to call Paul and ask him to come round. He’s the only one who can help you now. It’s beyond me, Kirstie. I can’t do any more.’
As he started to turn away Kirsten caught his arm. ‘Just tell me, Laurence, do you love her? I have to know . . .’
‘But why?’
‘I just have to. Please, Laurence, tell me.’
He sighed. ‘Yes, Kirstie,’ he said, ‘I do love her. And I guess I’d better tell you now before you find out any other way, I’m gonna ask her to marry me.’
Kirsten rolled over and pushed her face into the pillow. God it still hurt so much. All these years later and the ache was as heavy in her heart as it had been then. But nothing, nothing in the world could ever hurt as much as what she had done to punish him. Even now she could hardly believe she had done it, but as much as it had hurt him it was she who had paid the price. It was why her breakdown had been so severe.
Now that Paul was dead only she and Laurence knew what she had done and, please God, that was the way it would stay.
When Pippa returned three days later to Laurence’s surprise and delight she brought Zaccheo Marigliano with her. The Italian author, whose huge frame and booming laughter seemed to fill the entire house was a man for whom Laurence had any amount of time. Some years ago Laurence had had one of Zaccheo’s books adapted for the screen – it had turned into a cult movie still earning them both royalties from all over the world. Ever since, they had been firm friends and though Zaccheo’s insatiable interest in everything and everyone could be exhausting for some, for Laurence it presented an intellectual challenge he found as stimulating as he did satisfying.
‘Surprise, my friend!’ Zaccheo roared the moment he saw Laurence come out of his study. ‘It has been too long, I have missed you. I leave my Tuscan retreat to see if the rust has set into the brain after this long English winter of yours.’ His laughter reverberated down the hall as he clapped his arms about Laurence and hugged him.
‘Wacky Zacky!’ Tom whooped and beetling past his father he ran into Zaccheo’s arms squealing with delight as Zaccheo tumbled him upside down and tickled his bare belly with his beard.
Gifts seemed to spring from Zaccheo’s every pocket with the same ease as profundities flowed from his pen until finally he settled Tom on his shoulders and wrapping an arm around both Pippa and Laurence he led them into the sitting room.
‘But my, it’s good to be home,’ he sighed, flopping on to the sofa and tipping Tom into his lap.
‘Would you like some tea, Zaccheo?’ Jane asked.
‘Tea! What is this tea?’ he demanded. ‘Bring me whis
ky, woman, then come sit on my knee and make an old man happy.’ He laughed long and loud at that since he was not yet forty though knew he looked fifty and revelled in the easy conquests he still made.
Flushing with pleasure, as she usually did at the way Zaccheo flirted with her, Jane crossed the room to the drinks cabinet and poured a generous helping of Scotch into a glass then took both the bottle and glass to Zaccheo. Though it was still just the middle of the afternoon Laurence and Pippa took a gin and tonic each and at Zaccheo’s insistence Jane and Tom sat down with them.
As Zaccheo’s mellifluous voice rumbled on for once Laurence’s attention wasn’t wholly on what the big man was saying. He was watching Pippa whose vivid violet eyes were bright with laughter and he could see how the lovely alabaster face had, these past few days, relinquished the lines of anxiety and confusion that had troubled it before she had gone. She seemed so relaxed and, at least for the moment, at peace with herself, leaving Laurence in no doubt as to how much she loved her work. It always revived her which was why he knew he could never take her away from it.
Catching him watching her Pippa smiled and seeing the intimacy in her eyes Laurence felt a tightening in his heart. He badly wanted to hold her right now, to have just a few moments alone with her so that he could tell her that come what may he was going to squeeze some money out of these damned Brits in order to make his next movie. He wanted her to know that they didn’t need to go to Hollywood, they could stay right here where she was happy and where he could continue to see her eyes shine that way and feel the pull of love each time she looked at him. He was going to make it work for them, somehow, and he wanted to tell her. But there would be time enough for that later.