by David Moody
◆◆◆
The celebrations eventually died down, and people started wandering away from the ground. Toby and Fiona were still shaking hands with the players in the middle of the pitch. The Lampeter squad seemed keener on hugging Fiona than shaking her hand. One of the forwards even tried to get her to swap shirts with him, but Fiona wasn’t falling for that old trick, again.
Neil had joined Gez and Beth by now and the pair were making fun of him and his new best friend, Tobes.
The leg-pulling was interrupted by a shout from Uncle Billy.
‘Oi! Come on, we’re heading into the clubhouse.’
‘What for?’ yelled Gez.
‘That’s where we’re meeting the organisers of this zombie safari - fella by the name of Big Ken. You coming?’
The three friends quickly caught up with Billy and together they strode into the clubhouse. Even though it wasn’t even midday yet, the place was already fairly full with most of the drinkers having excited, post-match discussions about the game they’d just watched.
Billy headed straight to the bar and had a quick word with the club steward. ‘Excuse me, I’m looking for Big Ken, please.’
The steward pointed towards three large track-suited men stood at the back of the room.
‘See those three big lads next to the slot machine? Have a guess which one of them is Big Ken.’
Billy looked towards the three hulking figures. The tallest of the trio had to be at least six foot ten, while the other two were, at a rough estimate, six two and six five.
‘Thanks. While I’m here, can I have three glasses of Cola please, boss?’
The steward poured the drinks and took Billy’s money. He handed the glasses across to Gez and his friends.
‘You three wait here for a minute, I’m going to talk to Big Ken.’
Billy weaved his way through the drinkers and found himself standing in front of the tallest of the three big men. He looked up, and up, at the giant in front of him.
‘Big Ken?’
‘Yes,’ said a voice to his left. He turned to look at the 6’ 5’ tall character who was gazing at him suspiciously.
‘Sorry, I just thought that your man there would be Big Ken.’
A smile played across Big Ken’s lips. ‘Easy mistake to make, squire. I’m Big Ken. The tall specimen, there is my brother, Even Bigger Kev, and this here on my right is the runt of our litter, Little Keith.’
‘Ah right, you’re brothers. Nice one.’
‘What d’you mean, nice one?’ growled Even Bigger Kev.
‘Er… dunno really. Just something to say, I suppose.’
Big Ken patted his gigantic brother on the shoulder. ‘All right Kev, calm down, mun. The man’s only being friendly. So, I take it you’ve come about the hunting trip?’
Billy tried not to be intimidated by the glowering Kev as he smiled politely at Big Ken. ‘That’s right. I was told that you’re the guy to talk to.’
‘How many of you are there?’
‘Four in total. Me and three teenagers.’
‘Don’t forget us, guys.’ Toby’s booming voice carried across the whole room.
‘Ah, bollocks,’ Billy muttered under his breath.
Little Keith leant in to speak to Big Ken, ‘We don’t need the kids, mun.’
Ken glared at his youngest brother. ‘Now, now, Keith. We cater for everyone, remember?’
Little Keith grumbled and headed for the bar. Big Ken turned back to Billy. Toby had, by now, joined them as well.
‘So, six of you fancy a trip out into zombie country, eh? Fair enough. We’ll see you outside in ten minutes. Just jump in the wagon and we’ll head off out.’
‘Mind if we swing past the Castle Hotel first?’ asked Billy.
‘What for?’ growled Even Bigger Kev.
‘Just want to pick up some of our gear. Rucksacks, a couple of weapons… You know, just in case things get a little hairy out there.’
‘We got weapons. You don’t need nothing else.’
Billy looked at him warily. ‘Still… belt and braces, eh? Better safe than sorry, mate.’
‘Fair enough,’ said Big Ken. ‘No harm in being prepared, I suppose. You get your group together and we’ll see you outside in ten.’
Big Ken and his brothers headed out for the club car park. Billy worked his way back towards the three teenagers. ‘Okay, finish your drinks. We’re off. And keep your wits about you from hereon in.’
There was an obvious look of worry on Neil’s face. ‘Why? Do you think the Stenches might get us?’
Billy watched anxiously as the three burly brothers headed out to their vehicle. ‘It’s not the Stenches I’m worried about, son.’
TWELVE
The six visitors climbed into the back of a battered old white Ford Transit van. At least, Billy assumed it had been white originally, but it was difficult to tell underneath all the dirt and grease that coated the vehicle’s sides. He did, however, notice the mud-caked, hand-painted sign on the side of the van which read, ‘Davies Bros. Zombie Tours. We find them. You end them.’
The three brothers sat in the cab, while their clients had to make do with a few scattered cushions placed in the back as a half-hearted gesture at comfort.
They stopped at the Castle Hotel first so that Billy could load up on provisions and protection, before heading back through town, up North Road again, then taking the turning onto Forest Road which would lead them into the heart of Lodge Wood and Upper Forest.
It wasn’t the comfiest of rides to begin with, but once the Transit left the A-road, things got spectacularly bumpy for the passengers in the back of the van. Billy thumped his hand angrily against the rear of the cab. ‘Calm down will you? There’s people in the back here… remember?’
There was no reply from the three brothers, but Billy was sure he could hear them chuckling.
Ten minutes the driver slammed his foot down on the brake, and all six passengers in the back damn near went sailing into the cab wall. Muttering and cursing, they brushed themselves down. The Transit’s back doors swung open. Big Ken grinned at them. ‘Well, we’re here. Out you get.’
Toby grinned, ‘Nice one guys. But on the way back, if you could take it a little easier that would be great. Not for my sake, you understand… just don’t want to see the ladies getting bruised and battered, you know.’
Big Ken nodded. ‘Right you are. Easy does it on the way back then.’
Again, Billy was sure he could hear the sound of quiet laughter coming from outside the van.
◆◆◆
As the six travellers stepped down from the vehicle, they could see the bumpy dirt track they’d just travelled down, which was surrounded by tall evergreen trees on both sides. As they took their bearings, Little Keith and Even Bigger Kev stepped into view. Both were carrying rifles, while Kev had a shotgun strapped to his back. He handed the rifle to Big Ken and stood back.
‘Are you really going to need those?’ asked Billy, pointing at the weapons.
‘Like you said, boss, better safe than sorry. Come on then, we’re wasting time here. Saddle up.’
Big Ken slung the rifle over his shoulder and started to head into the forest. Neil’s nervousness had returned. ‘Can’t we just wait here for one of them to come to us?’
Little Keith snorted sarcastically. ‘It’s zombie hunting lad, not zombie waiting around. Let’s go.’
◆◆◆
They walked quickly but quietly, in single file, through the forest. Big Ken took the lead with Even Bigger Kev bringing up the rear. Fortunately their footsteps were largely silenced by the blanket of rotted leaves that lay all around them. Even though the sun was high in the sky, very little of it managed to penetrate the canopy of fir trees, and the whole crew were constantly squinting into the distance for any signs of movement. Every so often the sound of a twig snapping in the distance or a rustling in the undergrowth would make Neil damn near jump out of his skin. The rest of the gang would then pause
for a few seconds before continuing on their trek.
An hour later the crew had arrived at an open clearing in the trees, some fifteen yards in diameter, and with decent visibility all round. Big Ken stopped and looked back at his two brothers. ‘This’ll do.’
Ken stepped forward and turned to face the others. He slid his rifle from his shoulder and held it in his hands. His other two brothers did likewise, while stepping away from the rest of the party.
‘What’s going on here?’ Billy angrily asked.
‘Trip’s over, mate.’
Little Keith waved his rifle at the visitors. ‘Throw your rucksacks over here. And while we’re at it, I’ll have your mobile phones as well.’
Billy glared at him. ‘Who the hell are we going to call out here?’
‘It’s not so you can call for help. It’s so you can’t use the GPS or Google maps to find your way out again.’
Fiona was sobbing quietly, as Toby did his best to comfort her. Billy was getting angrier by the second.
‘Bloody hell! If all you wanted to do was rob us, why didn’t you do it back where you parked instead of dragging us all the way out here?’
Even Bigger Kev was chuckling menacingly. ‘Don’t want your stuff. Just wanted you.’
There was a mixture of bewilderment and horror on the faces of the visitors.
Ken hoisted the rifle onto his shoulder casually. ‘What my less than eloquent brother is trying to say is that it’s not your gear we’re after… it’s you. The thing is, you see, I’m not just the fella that runs the zombie tours around here, I’m also one of the coaches for our rugby team.’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ asked Gez, who was feeling just as angry as his uncle by now.
‘It’s got a lot to do with everything, boy. Do you have any idea how difficult it’s become to put together a team of those dead things for our matches? We used to have these games once a month but now those rotten buggers are starting to thin out around here, it’s becoming tougher and tougher to find replacements for our matches.’
‘And that’s where you come in,’ added Little Keith.
Big Ken gave his brother an annoyed look. ‘As I was explaining to these ladies and gents, Keith, it’s getting harder to find fresh meat. Well, alright, not fresh meat, but you know what I mean. And that’s why I came up with this idea of bringing new “players” into the area.’
‘But I don’t know how to play rugby,’ wailed Neil.
‘Doesn’t matter. We don’t need you match fit, we just need a corpse out there.’
‘So why here?’ demanded Billy.
Ken stared balefully at him. ‘I said there weren’t as many zombies as there used to be, I didn’t say there weren’t any around at all. We leave you here. You go wandering off. And pretty soon, you’re going to run into one of our local stiffs. We’ll come back here in a few days to find you. You should have turned by then. And Bob’s your uncle… we’ve got ourselves four new members of the Lampeter zombie team.’
‘F.. f.. four?’ stammered Toby. ‘But there are six of us.’
‘Don’t want girls,’ growled Even Bigger Kev. ‘Girls are rubbish at rugby.’
‘You’re insane, the bloody lot of you,’ barked Billy.
‘You say insane, I say entrepreneurial. Don’t worry, boss. It’s not personal, it’s just business.’
Toby took a defiant step towards Big Ken. ‘You won’t get away with this, you maniacs.’
‘Well, we’ve gotten away with it for the past six months, so I don’t see you lot putting a stop to our little enterprise.’ Ken lowered the rifle and took aim at Toby’s stomach. ‘Okay, step back or you’ll end up with a bullet in your gut.’ He looked around at the worried faces of the newcomers. ‘You can try and follow us out of here if you want, but we’ll be keeping an eye out for that kind of move. Try that and the only thing that’ll happen is we’ll shoot you in the leg and slow you down.’
‘We won’t be much use to you on a rugby pitch if we’ve been shot,’ said Gez.
‘Did you watch the game this morning, son? We’re not that fussed about what condition you’re in.’
The two other Davies brothers grinned at Ken’s comments.
‘Well, we’ll love you and leave you then.’
Fiona’s sobbing turned into a wailing.
‘Can I shoot that noisy cow?’ pleaded Even Bigger Kev.
‘Nah, leave her. All that noise she’s making will soon bring this lot some rotting company. Come on boys, let’s go.’
The three large men stepped back slowly towards the tree line, their guns still pointed at the six visitors. Within seconds they’d disappeared into the thick forestry, all of them headed in different directions to make it even harder for their victims to follow.
Toby held Fiona tightly, trying his best to calm her down. Billy and Gez fumed quietly, while Neil was doing his best not to soil himself. Throughout the whole encounter, Beth had been remarkably calm and quiet but she finally spoke up. ‘Well, I say we give them twenty minutes to get on their merry way, and then we’ll start our way back to town.’
Neil looked at her in shock. ‘Were you not paying attention during the last ten minutes? We’re stuck out here without a clue how to get back.’
‘You might not have a clue how to get back, Staveley, but some of us aren’t as bewildered as you, mate.’
‘What do you mean, Beth?’ asked Gez.
Beth sighed loudly before continuing. ‘Look, we came out of Lampeter along North Road, yes? And as far as I could tell, that road up to the forestry was fairly straight, which means we were still heading north. Now, I know we’ve walked through this forest for the past hour, but we’ve headed in a north-westerly direction, pretty much. So, if you’re all still paying attention, all we need to do is head a south-east and we should find ourselves not too far from the town, eventually.’
Billy nodded. ‘It’s a sound idea, in principle, but you’d really need a compass to make sure you kept your bearings.’
‘You mean like this one?’ replied Beth, cheerily, as she reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a small, circular object.
‘Clever girl,’ smiled Billy. Beth gave him her best “full-on feminist” stare.
‘Er… I meant, clever thinking, Bethan.’
‘Right then, if you could stop crying, Fiona, and you could stop cacking your pants, Neil, we’ll be heading out of here in the next quarter of an hour.’
‘Amaze-balls,’ declared Toby.
Billy was tempted to punch him but he was saving his anger for the Davies brothers.
◆◆◆
Trusting in Beth, and her compass reading abilities, the crew headed out of the woods in a south-easterly direction. Fiona had calmed down by now, and even Neil seemed almost relaxed. However with Gez taking point, and Uncle Billy bringing up the rear, they still made sure to keep their eyes wide open for any Stenches that might have been shuffling through the trees.
They’d been travelling for about twenty minutes when Gez raised his hand to bring the troop to a halt. He pointed off to the left. ‘Over there. See it? Stench.’
The rest of the group followed the line of his finger and they saw the tottering form of a middle-aged woman, who had probably been quite the beauty when still alive. It was clear that she hadn’t noticed them and was wandering aimlessly through the trees.
‘Should we take a detour to avoid her?’ whispered Neil.
Beth shook her head. ‘No point. That’ll just send us off course. We’ll just wait until she moves on, and carry on as planned.’
Clearly the Stench was in no hurry to leave, and the six of them stood stock still for what seemed like a lifetime until the dead woman finally vanished into the depths of the trees.
They waited another couple of minutes, just to be safe, and then trotted off again. They began to pick up the pace and, after another half hour, Billy was convinced that the woods were beginning to thin out.
G
ez stopped suddenly again and waved excitedly at his companions. ‘Look, a barbed wire fence. That must mean we’re near farmland.’
All six started running towards the fence. As soon as they reached the section, they saw that the treeline only extended another ten yards past the barrier and from there they could see an open field through the gaps between the firs.
Billy grinned at his colleagues. ‘Well, at least we’re out of the forest. It should be plain sailing from here.’
Billy found the nearest fence post, took off his jacket and draped it over the wire. Gez followed suit, so that there was less chance of someone getting cut by the barbs.
With a little bit of effort, Fiona was the first to be helped across the fence, while the others managed to negotiate the hurdle with a lot less difficulty.
As Billy landed on the other side of the fence, he heard a moaning sound from behind him – the middle-aged female Stench was back. She staggered stiffly towards the watching group, arms outstretched. Fiona let out a shriek, which made Neil jump with shock.
‘It’s not going to be able to climb over that,’ said Beth knowingly.
Beth was completely correct. The Stench was so intent on catching up with its prey, it didn’t even notice the barbed wire fence. Within seconds the creature was caught on the vicious points, and the more it thrashed and twisted to free itself from the wire, the more those barbs dug into its decaying flesh.
The companions turned away from the trapped zombie and started walking towards the treeline.
Once out in the open, they saw a wide green field stretching out ahead of them and in the bottom right corner of the enclosure, they noticed a sturdy five-bar gate. Neil let out a sigh of relief and began to march quickly towards the entrance. Behind him he heard Fiona giggling.
‘Oh look, Tobes, sheep. Aren’t they just darling? Oh, how wonderful. They’re coming over to say hello. Hi there. Here sheepy-sheepy.’