by Sharon Sant
It was so confusing. He had great power, but not the authority to use it, had to reach in and let go, but not too much, was in no danger but was; he didn’t know who to trust and what to believe any more. And where did Jacob Lightfoot fit in with all this? Or was he dead now, discarded, forgotten? Had he ever even existed? Jacob took a deep breath, posing the next question as it formed in his mind. ‘Can I bring my mum and dad back?’
‘No.’
‘That’s it, no discussion?’
‘That they are dead is not against the natural order of things. Death comes.’
‘But they are dead because of me.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, there has to be a way. What’s the point in such great power if I can’t even do that?’
‘Are they unhappy, in pain, afraid?’
‘They’re dead! It doesn’t get much worse than that!’
‘How do you know?’
‘How do I know what?’ Jacob fired back. ‘Whether they’re dead or whether death is bad?’
‘Both.’
‘Well, at least tell me this: are they dead?’
‘It is undecided.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means that the outcome depends on you. But you must have patience. You cannot relent to the yearning I sense in you to take these matters into your own hands.’
Jacob let out an impetuous cry. ‘So I can’t do anything? I just sit around and wait to get my life back?’
‘That life has already gone, Ioh.’
‘NO! I am Jacob. I will always be Jacob.’
‘I am sorry, but you have never been Jacob.’ The man smiled sadly.
‘I am Jacob Lightfoot, son of Maggie and Phil Lightfoot.’ He pressed his palms to his eyes. ‘Don’t tell me I can’t bring them back,’ he growled.
‘Ioh-’
‘Jacob!’
‘Jacob,’ the man corrected, unperturbed by the venom that had crept into Jacob’s tone. ‘If you attempt to throw the natural order, chaos will take its place. I cannot say what the consequences for you would be, only that the form they take would be severe.’
Jacob stared at him, unable to think of a response. Finally, he let out a long, frustrated breath and decided to change tack.
‘How do you fit in with all this… you haven’t even told me who you are.’
‘You are not ready to know me-’
‘At least a name, then!’ Jacob interrupted, his impatience surfacing again.
‘Dae. Shall we begin?’
But they never began. In the background, steadily growing louder, the sound of thumping pressed in on Jacob’s awareness. The man seemed oblivious to the disturbance, but he noted the distraction on Jacob’s face and waited patiently for his full attention. Jacob tried to ignore the sound and concentrate. But it persisted, pushing forward into his consciousness, growing, thudding…
He jerked awake. Luca was pounding on the bathroom door.
‘Jake! You ok in there? You’ve been ages.’
Jacob looked around in bleary-eyed confusion. His skin was peppered with goosebumps. The bathwater was cold.
Four: The Boating Lake
Through the open window of Ellen’s room drifted a ghost of a scent: barbecue smoke and cooking meat, the first of the year. It made Jacob aware of just how little he had eaten over the past few days.
‘I still can’t believe my mum managed to fall asleep on a bus that she wasn’t even supposed to be on in the first place! That’s a new level of craziness, even for her.’ Ellen shook her head in disbelief.
Luca had gone home for the evening, complaining bitterly that he had an assignment due which Jacob, by dint of being a missing person, had managed to avoid, and that even Luca hadn’t been cheeky enough to ask Jacob to do under the current circumstances, although he had wrestled with the idea for some time. Ellen now lay on her front, with the same homework spread out over the floor. She glanced up at Jacob, chewing thoughtfully on the end of a pen, and then returned her attention in a half-hearted way to her books.
Jacob’s relief at the return of Ellen’s mum brought the first brief smile in days. His eyes a melancholy grey; he sat on the edge of Ellen’s bed watching her study.
‘It’s no good,’ Ellen continued, pushing the work to one side, ‘I can’t concentrate on this now.’
‘Want me to help?’ Jacob asked.
‘No, I’d better do it myself. Later, though. I’m not in the mood now.’
She sprung up and went over to the window, scanning the street. The sky above the opposite rooftops had begun its transformation to the fiery gold and red that promised a glorious morning to come. The colour stained the slates of the houses turning them into glowing coals.
‘Red sky at night… shepherds hut on fire. My dad used to say that.’ Ellen leaned her forehead against the glass as she looked out.
‘Funny saying,’ Jacob smiled. Ellen turned around and returned the smile with one a hundred times more radiant. ‘Do you miss him?’ Jacob asked; his brief smile replaced by the now more familiar absent look.
‘Sometimes… not especially, though. We’re used to it now.’ Her expression darkened. ‘At least we know where he is I suppose.’
‘I suppose.’
They lapsed into an awkward silence.
Ellen stretched her lithe arms above her head and yawned. ‘You look better. Want to go out for a bit when it goes dark? You must be going mental in here.’
Jacob gazed at the curve of her back, a wonderfully feline shape accentuated by her taut spine. With a dull ache in his chest he mused that there were things beyond his control, like cosmic destiny, and then there were things that were really beyond his control. His thoughts turned to Luca with a strange mix of remorse and envy, and he didn’t know which emotion was uppermost in his mind. Then, with an even heavier burden of guilt, he thought about his mum and dad. How could they have slipped his mind, even for a second? He almost resented Ellen for making it happen.
‘I don’t think I should go out.’
‘Come on, Jakey. Just for half an hour, walk round the block. It’ll do you good.’
‘What’s the point? What if someone sees me? Even if they don’t, where will we go?’
‘I dunno. How about the boating lake? Sit in the grass in our spot, talk about stuff. You can tell me about Incas or Darwin or quarks, I won’t yawn once, I promise.’ She gave him an encouraging smile. ‘What do you think?’
‘No thanks,’ he said quietly.
‘Jacob?’ She moved across to where he sat and flicked her fingers over his hair. ‘You have to carry on living.’
He closed his eyes, confused, angry, utterly desolate. ‘Even though everything I had is lost?’ He looked up, his eyes now storm-grey.
Ellen faltered; seeing the transformation she withdrew her hand uncertainly. ‘I’m sorry.’
Jacob, pained by Ellen’s discomfort, tried to shake his bitterness. ‘You’re right, I should go out. We’ll wait till it gets dark. Do you want to call Luca and ask him to come?’ The words were barbed in Jacob’s mouth, but he had to ask. An odd sense of triumph at her response left him hollow.
‘No. Just you and me for once.’
Jacob could almost feel the grass growing in the still of the evening. He lay, motionless, introspective on the fragrant carpet, listening to Ellen’s gentle breaths and the baby waves of the lake as they lapped against the shore, storing the sounds and smells of the park in his memories. Whisperings and messages were still trying to break through but already, Jacob could sense a growing mastery of his new powers and was rebelliously learning to shut them out. There had been more people around than Jacob and Ellen had expected, but they had made their way unnoticed, puddles of yellow streetlights passing over them, until they had found their own special secluded spot, the place where often they had sat with Luca in the grass, sharing sweets and crisps, laughing amongst themselves at some ridiculous joke or anecdote. I
t bordered a small clump of firs at the far side of the lake, away from the new boathouse and trendy café, a place where even the council gardeners neglected to go, and so it remained untamed, held by nature, unlike the rest of the manicured park.
Jacob and Ellen settled there now, nestled in the grass, embarking on sporadic conversations every now and then but mostly in the comfortable silence that comes from two people completely at ease in each other’s company. The white fires of the stars burned above and for the first time, as Jacob gazed at them, he began to grasp the connectivity that bound him to them, to the grass he lay on, to the lake, to the lives of the people all around, to everything.
‘That’s definitely the last time tonight. We can’t have chips again!’ Ellen gave him a sideways look and felt at her cheek. ‘I’ll be covered in zits.’
Jacob turned and glanced across at her shadowed face lying next to his in the grass and gave a half-smile. ‘You’d still look great, even with zits.’ He bit his lip; the words were out before he could stop them. In the darkness, Ellen didn’t notice the colour rise to his cheeks.
‘See. Why doesn’t Luca say things like that to me?’ Ellen stretched her arms above her head, fingering the grass. ‘He’s gorgeous, of course. He’s funny and popular. He’s such a mug! You’re just so… different.’ She laughed uneasily ‘I don’t really know where this is going...’ Her voice trailed off and she was silent for a few seconds before she spoke again. ‘I wish it was the Lantern Festival. I love the Lantern Festival. The park looks amazing then.’
‘Yeah, it does.’ Jacob welcomed the change of subject.
There was silence again, heavy and expectant.
‘Jake,’ Ellen began tentatively, ‘I know you don’t want to talk about it but… what are you going to do?’
Jacob exhaled slowly. ‘I really don’t know. There has to be a way of putting things right, though.’
‘Putting things right? What do you mean?’
‘I’m not sure myself,’ Jacob said. ‘I only know that things aren’t quite what they seem at the moment.’
‘I’m worried about you.’
‘Are you?’ He turned slightly and leaned on one arm, trying to make out her features in the dim light. Despite any common sense that told him he shouldn’t, the notion pleased him, gave him hope of something that he couldn’t quite admit to.
‘Of course. You’re my best friend.’
‘What about Luca?’
‘Luca’s different.’ She paused and seemed to brace herself before continuing. ‘Can I tell you something?’
Jacob’s pulse raced. He didn’t reply.
Ellen propped herself up to face him. The softest traces of her scent on the evening breeze seemed to fill his head as she moved closer. Clean. Soapy. Nothing special. Yet his stomach flipped, his breath coming quicker. She moved closer still and Jacob knew what was going to happen next as surely as Ellen did, and there would be nothing he could do to stop it. He mirrored her as she leaned towards him, almost sighed as her warm lips touched his, lingering there for the shortest, most perfect time. And just for that moment, he would have given the entire universe, his powers, his destiny, everything he possessed for this to be the pure moment he had dreamed of for so long.
Jacob wrenched himself away, suddenly stabbed by guilt. ‘I can’t...’
Then he was up, running through the night, ochre streetlights flicking over his slender frame.
Ellen ran calling breathlessly after him, causing passers-by to stare in mild surprise. ‘Jacob, wait, just let me talk to you….’
His step faltered and he slowed down so that she could catch up, uncertain, lost. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Ellen caught him, panting an explanation as they continued briskly towards town.
‘I’m so sorry, that was really stupid… especially now…’
‘It’s ok,’ Jacob replied in a dull tone. ‘It’s my fault, not yours… I wanted… I don’t know… but we can’t.’ Ellen didn’t reply but her silence told him that she understood. ‘I’ll get my stuff and find somewhere else to stay.’
‘Where will you go? Don’t be stupid, Jake, we’ll just forget about it. At least stay until tomorrow.’
‘I can’t.’ Jacob couldn’t trust himself anymore. He had never felt so completely alone.
They made their way back to Ellen’s house in silence. In his agitation, the control of the voices he had experienced in the park was unravelling again. He had no idea where he was going to go, but he wanted to get there quickly so that he could sleep and dream, and maybe finally get the help he needed to tame the bombardment that was slowly but surely breaking him down. But as they drew nearer to Ellen’s house, a feeling of great unease began to press on his thoughts, something more immediate than the constant white noise of the universe. He knew something was wrong, something was about to happen, but he couldn’t read the information properly, so much else was in the way. It was just like before, the night he returned home to find his uncle bearing the terrible news of his parents’ accident. He stopped on the pavement, trying hard to focus.
‘What’s the matter?’ Ellen turned to him with a quizzical, concerned look.
Jacob didn’t answer; he had hardly noticed she was speaking. He continued to stare into the distance.
‘Jacob, what it is?’
‘I’m not sure…’ he replied slowly. ‘Just a weird feeling, that’s all.’
‘Come on. You can’t leave mine tonight and that’s that. Best thing for you is a good night’s sleep and we can talk in the morning.’ She brushed his arm and looked up into his dark eyes for an answer. ‘What do you say?’
Jacob drew a deep breath and tried to dismiss his doubts. ‘Ok.’
As they turned into Ellen’s road she immediately froze and caught her breath. Jacob saw it at the same time: the yellow and blue marked car parked outside Ellen’s house. A policeman stood in a pool of light at the front door talking earnestly to Ellen’s mum and taking notes. Ellen pulled Jacob by the sleeve, back round the corner and out of sight.
‘What now? If they go inside we’re sunk, all your stuff’s in the bedroom.’
‘How did they find out?’ Jacob whispered. Then his face contorted with a peevish expression. ‘I bet it was Luca.’
‘What? Don’t be ridiculous!’
‘Of course, it would be; he wouldn’t want me sleeping there with you…’
‘Luca’s your friend. And he wouldn’t get me into trouble. For God’s sake, it was his idea you come to mine. He wouldn’t, I just know he wouldn’t have told anyone.’
‘Who then?’ Jacob’s eyes glittered black. ‘Who else could it be? Unless...’ he regarded Ellen accusingly.
‘It wasn’t me,’ Ellen replied haughtily. ‘Never mind that now; what are we going to do?’
Jacob leaned back against the cold brick wall with his eyes screwed tight and pressed his fingers to his temples. His mind refused logic, it was too disordered, too crammed full of everything else. ‘I need to get my stuff out for a start.’
‘Well, that’s great! Is that the best you can do?’ Ellen edged a look around the corner and then snapped back out of sight. ‘The policeman has gone in! We’re for it now.’ Her voice cracked and she looked across at him, her eyes swimming with barely held back tears.
Something snapped. Without a word, Jacob turned and tore away into the night. Ellen watched him go, her mouth open stupidly for a few seconds, before she finally ran after him.
Smack! The pebble hit Luca’s window. Then another, and another. Jacob, armed with a handful of gravel scooped from Luca’s driveway, was hurling the missiles at Luca’s darkened bedroom. ‘LUCA! LUCA!’
‘Please, Jacob, stop it…’ Ellen begged, trying to loosen his grip on the stones in his hand. He shook her off.
‘LUCA,’ he bellowed, ‘GET DOWN HERE!’
The bedroom light flicked on and Luca threw open his window, staring down at Jacob and Ellen. ‘What the hell are you doing?
‘GET D
OWN HERE NOW!’
Ellen gestured for Luca to come down as she stood behind Jacob. Luca could see by her face that the situation was serious. As he closed the window the sound of a woman’s voice from inside the house shouting a stream of rapid Italian was suddenly muffled. A furious Luca appeared at the front door. He pulled it closed behind him and approached Jacob. ‘What the hell…’
Jacob swung at him from nowhere, a wild, instinctive blow that Luca easily avoided. Missing only made Jacob angrier. He ran at Luca with a shoulder barge that sent him flying to the ground, and then began raining blows that were all emotion and ineffectual, but frightening in their ferocity just the same. Luca managed to push him off and scrambled to his feet.
‘You’ve gone mental!’ he panted.
Ellen danced around, trying to get between them without getting punched.
‘Out of the way, Ellen!’ Jacob roared. He was about to charge again when Luca’s mother appeared at the doorway in her dressing gown wearing a look of absolute horror.
‘Jacob!’ she squealed. ‘What on earth are you doing here?’
‘Ask him!’ Jacob jabbed a finger at Luca who threw a questioning glance at Ellen.
‘He thinks you told the police where he was,’ Ellen said. ‘I told him it wouldn’t be you.’
‘Are they there now?’ Luca asked; his dark eyes wide.
‘Surely, you already know that,’ Jacob fired back.
‘Mate,’ Luca began, understanding illuminating his features, ‘I swear to you on everything that is holy, I never told anyone where you were.’
Jacob stared at him. Luca’s expression was so earnest that he could be left in no doubt of his honesty. Suddenly wretched, his head dropped, arms now limp at his sides. Luca placed a hand on his shoulder.
‘Gianluca,’ his mother sounded stern. ‘Please bring Jacob inside.’
‘Come on, mate.’ Luca led a now docile Jacob into the silent house where the other members of the Valvona family were, miraculously, still sleeping. Ellen followed them in, and they sat on an oversized leather sofa together, listening to the sonorous ticking of an antique grandfather clock. The accented English of Luca’s mum drifted in from another room as she spoke on the phone.