by Sharon Sant
Jacob opened his eyes. The sun was now streaming in through his window and he wondered vaguely how he could have fallen asleep when he had felt so wide awake. He was lying on his front, arms and legs splayed over the bed; his laptop on the floor where it had fallen during the night. He pushed himself up onto his knees, stretched and retrieved his computer. The smell of toast from downstairs made him realise how reassuringly healthy his appetite was. Leaving the laptop on his bed, he pulled on some jeans and a fresh top, and wandered down.
‘Morning. Want some breakfast?’ Maggie seemed to be back to her brisk, no-nonsense self, effortlessly making toast and tea, and packing Phil’s lunch for work, all at the same time.
‘Yeah, I’m starving.’ Jacob yawned and dropped onto a chair at the table.
‘Slept alright?’ Phil asked, folding his paper.
‘Ok,’ Jacob replied. ‘You two look better today, though.’
‘Slept like a baby last night,’ Phil smiled. ‘That’s enough lunch, Mags,’ Phil said, glancing over at the mountain of food she was stuffing into a bag. ‘The car suspension won’t take any more.’
‘You’re best taking a bit extra for later on. Dan’s told me what an ogre you become around three when you need your sugar fix.’
‘Yes, but I don’t normally have such a fine breakfast before I go. Besides, Dan’s one to talk.’ Phil cocked his eyebrow. ‘He starts his lunch at eleven and it lasts for the rest of the day.’
Maggie laughed as she slathered butter on some toast and cut it into triangles. Jacob watched them both getting on with normal, everyday life. This wasn’t what he had expected. Had anything he told them the previous day actually sank in? He wondered if he ought to be happy or worried at their apparent lack of concern.
‘There you go.’ Maggie placed a plate in front of Jacob and ruffled his hair. ‘There’s plenty more if you want any.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘Ellen phoned,’ Maggie said, pouring tea from the pot. ‘She says she can’t get over until this afternoon; she has an appointment with a gallery.’
Jacob put down his toast. ‘A gallery? An art gallery? You mean to sell to them?’
Maggie nodded, the pride she displayed as evident as if it had been Jacob himself with the meeting.
‘That’s brilliant.’
‘It is. She deserves some luck,’ Maggie agreed.
Jacob mused on his mum’s words. Ellen was incredible; all she had achieved, all the obstacles she had overcome in her life, everything was down to her remarkable strength of character. And she did deserve some luck. Then again, perhaps luck had nothing to do with it. Perhaps he had been the problem. He suddenly felt like he had been the one holding her back from her full potential for all these years. Right there he made a resolution - he wouldn’t let her sacrifice any more of herself for him in the future. As these thoughts crowded his mind, that other small voice crept in, the resentful one that nagged him that his friends were realising their dreams while he faced a lonely future somewhere far away, fulfilling a destiny that he never asked for. But he couldn’t let that voice in. That was the voice that would make him give up, and more than just his life was at stake. He turned his thoughts back to Ellen and resolved to make the most of the time they had left.
In Ellen’s absence, Jacob spent most of the day purging his bedroom. There were old games, sticker albums that he hadn’t looked at for years, outrageously out of fashion or impractical clothes, tubs of pens all dried up – all manner of items that he now considered junk.
He boxed the useful things up and put them out into the garage to be taken for charity, the rest he threw into rubbish sacks. The physical activity had been therapeutic; it had helped him construct a logical process of thoughts in order to work out everything that was happening, or not happening, to him. Maggie had seemed slightly offended at first, and then saddened. After all, she and Phil had kept his room carefully preserved all the while he had been on Astrae. But Jacob sensed her gradual realisation that, perhaps, it was time to let go of the little boy who had left them all those years ago, and she let him continue in his task without further comment.
Mid-afternoon saw him break for a quick glass of juice. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and sweat glistened on his forearms. Just as he was finishing up, Maggie came into the kitchen, followed by Ellen.
Jacob stared, speech failing him. Ellen was wearing a knee-length black dress, starred by delicate red flowers, pulled in at the waist with a belt, high shoes and fitted suit jacket. Her make-up was subtle but applied carefully for maximum effect, her hair tumbling over her shoulders in ebony waves.
‘How did it go?’ Maggie asked, her excitement obvious.
‘Really well.’ Ellen beamed. ‘They’re going to arrange an exhibition to show my work.’ She laughed, a lilting, musical sound. ‘I just have to actually paint some stuff to go in it now.’
‘You’ll have no trouble doing that.’ Maggie threw Jacob a sly glance. ‘As long as we lock this one up for a bit so that you can actually spare some time.’
Ellen turned her bright gaze to Jacob. ‘He can hold my easel,’ she said, a mischievous glint in her eyes.
Jacob shook himself. ‘What was that?’
Maggie rolled her eyes. ‘You’ve just been volunteered for life modelling.’
‘Oh no, Luca would be much better for that,’ Ellen teased. ‘More muscles in the right places.’
‘He’d be able to stay still for longer too,’ Jacob replied, coming back to himself now. ‘All you’d need is a steady supply of crisps and he’d be happy to sit with his bits out as long as you like.’
‘Come to think of it,’ Ellen retorted, ‘you could probably forget the crisps. Any excuse to have his bits out would be enough.’
Jacob grinned.
‘I’ll make a drink.’ Maggie filled the kettle and then stuck her head in the fridge to look for some snacks.
Jacob wiped his grubby hands on his trousers. He glanced across at his mum and hated himself for wanting her out of the way so he could be alone with Ellen. He had to be content with a quick, stolen kiss.
‘What have you been up to?’ Ellen looked him over critically.
‘Clearing out my room.’
‘When did you move into the crypt?’ she asked, picking a cobweb from his hair.
Maggie turned around. ‘That’ll be from the garage, not his bedroom,’ she said defensively.
‘Don’t worry, Mum, my room is as clean as the proverbial whistle… it’s just full of junk,’ he said. ‘Mine, of course,’ he added quickly.
Ellen took off her jacket and sat at the table as Maggie brought over mugs and the teapot. Jacob was about to join them when he noticed Maggie frown.
‘I know… hands.’ He went over to the sink and rinsed them quickly, returning with a lopsided grin. While his life had changed almost beyond recognition, some things, he was happy to note, would never change.
‘So, when’s your exhibition?’ Jacob asked Ellen, sitting down and pulling the biscuit tin towards him.
‘Whenever I’m ready, really. I have to do enough pieces to make a decent show first.’ She sighed. ‘I can’t believe it’s happening. Things like this don’t happen to me.’
‘Good things do happen to talented and deserving people, though,’ Maggie cut in, ‘and you deserve every good thing that comes your way.’ She turned to Jacob. ‘We’ll be there on opening night, won’t we?’
Jacob shot an awkward glance at Ellen before giving his careful reply. ‘Yeah, course we will.’
Ellen looked into her mug.
‘Hey,’ Jacob said, tilting up her chin to face him. ‘I’ll be there, I promise.’
She gave him a watery smile. ‘It’s ok, it doesn’t matter.’
Maggie seemed to sense that making herself scarce might be a good idea. ‘If you two can manage for a while, I’ll just go and see what damage Jacob has done to the garage.’
Her exit went unnoticed.
‘I know yo
u can’t say what’s going to happen,’ Ellen said. ‘I don’t expect you to make promises that you might not be able to keep.’
‘Do you think I’m going to miss out on your proudest moment?’ Jacob smiled. ‘If it means getting back for you, then I’ll learn the fading thing and appear right in the middle of your exhibition.’
She sniffed. ‘It would certainly make it a memorable one.’
‘And I’d brainwash everyone to buy your stuff, against the rules or not.’
‘Don’t do that. They might want their money back when they realise they don’t like it after all.’
‘Of course they’ll like it. You’re amazing.’
‘Ok, what do you want?’
He paused. ‘Give me a second and I’ll think of a few things…’
She laughed. ‘You don’t have to flatter me to get those.’
‘No,’ he said, his eyes a dazzling blue, ‘but I’m hoping to store up brownie points for when you’re less keen on me.’
She kissed him. ‘That’s never going to happen,’ she whispered.
‘Good,’ he murmured, pulling her closer and returning the kiss with one more urgent.
Ellen’s phone rang, making them both jump. Ellen giggled and pulled it from her bag. ‘It’s Alfie, I’d better get it.’
Jacob watched as she spoke to her brother. Her manner changed, like someone had flicked a switch. Jacob knew it would be a problem, those were the only calls she ever got from her family. But whenever home called, she suddenly took on a subdued persona, turned into someone with a sad burden of responsibility. It reminded Jacob that duty was a thing others had to endure too.
‘I have to go,’ she said as she ended the call. ‘Mum’s cut herself and she’s bleeding all over the place.’
‘You want me to come?’ Jacob’s offer had been made as a gesture of support as much as anything else; he knew that while Ellen would be happy to have him there, her mother wouldn’t.
‘Better not,’ she said. ‘I’ll call you later.’
Jacob stood and drew her close. ‘Try not to be long.’
She smiled tensely. ‘I’ll do my best.’
Jacob went back to finish cleaning his room. He scooped up the remaining debris and shoved it back into cupboards and drawers where it would fit, his heart no longer in the task. While he was doing so, he came across a box of old photos. Later, he thought, he would take them down to his mum and dad and they could go through them together. Putting them to one side, he decided he should probably get a shower for when Ellen returned.
He was to be disappointed. Ellen phoned him an hour later to say that they were waiting at the hospital for her mum’s hand to be stitched and probably wouldn’t get back till late. Jacob bit back frustration with Ellen’s mum for her constant demands on Ellen, and at the fact that he couldn’t be there to support her. But he was one of the few people who knew the real extent of Ellen’s home situation, and he knew that keeping a discreet distance was the best way to help her.
With Luca also unavailable, at yet another family gathering, Jacob found himself rattling around at home, restless and impatient. Once supper was out of the way, he retreated to his room and concentrated on trying to make contact, first with anyone on Astrae, then with Alex. Frustratingly, he found no success in either quarter yet again. Eventually, he fell asleep with the box of photos open on his bed, only to be woken with a start shortly afterwards by a repeat of his nightmare about the cliff top.
Jacob changed his damp clothes and got back into bed with a weary sigh. It was going to be a long night.
His dad had already left for work when Jacob dragged himself downstairs, still drowsy and yawning. It had been some time in the early hours when he had finally managed to get back to sleep. It would have been easy to stay in bed, but he forced himself to get up, certain that if he let it, staying in bed would become a habit that would lead to a dulling of his senses - something he could ill afford.
‘You look terrible this morning,’ Maggie observed as he flopped down at the kitchen table.
‘Thanks. I feel a whole lot better now you’ve reminded me that I should feel terrible.’
‘Trouble sleeping?’ she asked, ignoring the sarcasm in his tone.
‘Not so much sleeping… just staying asleep.’
She let the information pass without comment. ‘What are your plans for the day, then?’
He shrugged. ‘I’ll phone Ellen, see how her mum is. Maybe she’ll get time to come over later as I didn’t see her last night.’
‘It’s not the law that you see her every night, you know.’
‘I know. It’s just that…’
Maggie smiled. ‘I think I just about remember what that feels like,’ she said, setting a mug down in front of him.
‘Yeah, but courting was different in the Victorian era, wasn’t it?’
‘Cheeky!’ Maggie smiled as she sat down and took a sip of her own tea. ‘But I suppose things were different back then. We didn’t have you, for a start. It’s amazing how much time a baby takes out of your life.’
Jacob pondered her words. ‘You have to give up a lot, I guess.’
She nodded. ‘A child is a big responsibility.’ She paused. ‘Particularly one like you,’ she added meaningfully.
‘I’m sure I was perfectly adorable,’ he quipped.
‘You were,’ she laughed. ‘But even back then you were a worry. I might have known there’d be a strange explanation for it.’ It was the first time his difference from them had been mentioned since the early morning conversation where he had finally revealed his true self. If the idea made her uncomfortable, Maggie didn’t show it.
‘Actually,’ Jacob began, recalling the box he had found the previous day, ‘I have some old photos upstairs. You might like a look at them?’
‘Sounds nice. You go and get them while I make you some breakfast and we can look at them together,’ Maggie said, her face bright with pleasure.
A couple of minutes later he had returned, washed and changed and holding the box. He made a space on the table and Maggie opened it as he bit into the toast she had put out for him.
Maggie opened the lid. ‘My goodness, there are so many!’ she exclaimed catching them as they slid from the box in a shiny avalanche.
‘I must have put them in there ages ago, some of them I can’t even remember being taken.’
She threw him a sideways glance. ‘It explains where my lost photos went. You always were sentimental,’ she smiled, ‘I should have known you’d have taken them to keep for yourself.’
Jacob blushed slightly. ‘In my defence, I was probably about ten. I’d completely forgotten I even had the box until I started to clear out.’
Maggie took a pile and began to flick through. ‘They’re not really in date order,’ she commented.
‘That’s my fault, I fell asleep looking at them last night and some of them got mixed up.’
‘I can probably remember when most of them were taken, though.’ She gave a heavy sigh. ‘We had some lovely times back then.’
Jacob started to speak but he looked up and saw the melancholy that had stolen over her. He could say that lovely times would come again - and maybe they would - but he wouldn’t be there to share them. His mum knew that as well as he did.
He finished the last of his toast and Maggie handed him the pile she had already seen as she delved into the box for some more. He thumbed through them: moments frozen in time - school plays, carnivals, holidays, Halloween, daytrips - moments they would never get back. His mum’s mood had dipped and she lapsed into silence as her eyes moved over the images. Jacob finished with the stack he had and Maggie passed him the ones she had just looked at.
The photo on top of the pile caught his eye. He felt the blood drain from his face as he stared at it.
‘Where was this taken?’ he asked, suddenly brisk and alert.
Maggie took the photo from his numb fingers and frowned at it, trying to recall the details.
&n
bsp; The picture showed Jacob sitting on a picnic blanket, a cherubic blonde thing. With longer hair he could have been mistaken for a girl. A younger, brighter Maggie had her arms around him, beaming. The click of the camera caught the moment the wind whipped her hair around her face in unruly tendrils. In the background, a cloudless sky and the base of a large, white structure.
‘Portland. We went for the day. You’d have been maybe five or six there.’ Maggie handed the photo back.
Jacob stared at it. Understanding started to flood in. Ellen had once told him that he couldn’t always save everyone. But perhaps there was a way he could, just one last time. Perhaps one last time was all it would take. He got up from the table.
‘I’m going out for a while.’
Maggie looked up in surprise. ‘Now? Where are you going?’
‘Just out, somewhere I need to go.’
‘But it’s pouring down outside.’
Jacob shot a glance at the window. ‘Even better,’ he grimaced.
Maggie put down the pile of photos. ‘But we haven’t finished here yet… and I thought you were going to see Ellen?’
‘I will, later,’ he said, hugging her briefly.
‘What time will you be back?’ Maggie called after him as he left the kitchen.
‘Late. Don’t make me any dinner.’
Eighteen: The Circle of Fate
Ellen arrived back from the school run to find her mum still asleep. Silently grateful for small mercies, she considered going back to bed herself before taking a quick look around the cluttered, dust-coated sitting room and deciding that it needed a clean.
Changed into a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, she yawned as she rifled through the cleaning products under the sink. Pulling out a rusting can of furniture polish, she grimaced. If this was the state of the can on the outside, she didn’t hold out much hope for the product inside. She chided herself for not doing this more often, but her time had barely been her own lately, let alone having any spare for extra cleaning duties. Not only did she have her mum and her brothers to think of, but Jacob was now gradually filling her every other waking moment. He would be anxious for her to call today and the feeling was mutual; every second her mind was not anchored by something real and purposeful, she found herself thinking of the way his skin smelt, his touch… She glanced at her watch and decided that he probably wouldn’t be up yet.