Tattered & Torn

by A. J. Downey

  “Jesus Reave!” I cried. He laughed and I rolled my eyes. Damn it. Shouldn’t have let him know he’d scared me. I slapped at his arms and he let me go.

  “Asshole,” I muttered with feeling.

  “Never said any different Baby Cuz,” he went to his wife who was using a stick blender in a vat of potatoes. She leaned her head way back for a kiss and Reaver laid one on her that was mellow by their standards.

  “Come in the kitchen, get put to work,” Ashton said and she held out a knife. Reaver grinned like the maniac he was and took it and set to work carving turkey and ham. Ashton had fixed both.

  “At least you found something suited to him.” I stuck my tongue out at my cousin and he winked at me. Trigger came in and pulled his little woman close and she giggled pushing against his chest.

  “Out! And take something with you for the table,” she cried. Everett laughed and handed a tray to Dray before he could get to her.

  “You are gonna get it so fucking hard,” he growled at her.

  “Don’t you be threatening me with a good time!” she bantered back and I smiled.

  “Can I take something for you?” Ghost asked softly and I felt myself melt a little on the inside. I turned and smiled and handed him the tray of pop-over rolls.

  “Thanks,” I said just as softly in return.

  We were cautious of one another. I hadn’t seen him since he’d dropped me off at my cousin’s door the night of the meteor shower. He’d called and we’d texted a bit but both of us were busy the last couple of days. The weather was bad which meant business was good for him.

  He’d gently asked if he could kiss me again at my cousin’s door and I’d nodded. I liked kissing Ghost. His mouth was so gentle but sure against mine. His posture tense as if he were holding himself back, every time our lips met, our tongues touched. He was trying so hard and truthfully I was too. This was so different from anything I was used to. I wasn’t used to going on dates and taking things slow and truthfully… It was both something I liked and something I needed.

  We loaded up the long table, which was really just all the tables pushed together to form one big one, out in the common room. Most of the MC was here and a few displaced club girls without family. Hayden’s father was here, which was a little bit strange but he didn’t have any place to be other than with his only daughter and this was me and Reave’s family. Had been for a very long time. When Reave had asked Dragon and the club if his father-in-law could join it was widely agreed that it was fucking weird but what the hell? It was the holidays.

  Ashton had rounded up the Ol’ Ladies and Club Bunnies, which still made me damn near hysterical with giggles to hear us called that, but Ashton just wasn’t a swearer and for some reason that’s what she and Hayden had come up with while drunk and stupid one night. Anyways, Ashton rounded up everything at the club Thanksgiving with a vagina and put them to work in the kitchen helping her fix dinner and it was kind of perfect. Chandra sure wasn’t letting it go to us ‘Club Bunnies’ heads though.

  “Hey! Hey you! Yeah you!” she called out to one of the newer girls that had started coming around when the new guys had hit town and started bringing in bitches from the bars or Sugar’s.

  “Me?” the fake blonde with fake titties asked. I think her name was Sable or some shit stripper name.

  “Yeah, you hooker! Take this out to the table and keep your dirty snatch away from my man,” Chandra said sweetly. Everett and Hayden burst into a fit of laughter. Ashton looked on with a frown but even I’d seen her hold her ground with these new snatches when it came to her Trigger. She was polite about it but sometimes the way she was polite about it sank the claws deeper. Ashton knew how to hold her own and I’d already decided if it came to blows and I was around, I’d do the ass kicking for the smaller woman. Ashton just wasn’t big enough to land a punch on another bitch that would count for anything.

  Sable gave Chandra a dirty look. “Which one is yours?” she asked looking her over.

  “Doc. Now hurry the fuck up Princess.” She handed Sable a green bean casserole carefully and Sable scowled at her but didn’t say shit. We knew how it went. As a slut, you didn’t say shit or you could and would get your ass beat by the Ol’ Ladies and your happy ass bounced from the club for starting drama. Even I had been put on time out a time or two for the drama clause. Reave had always sweet talked my way back in though.

  Sometimes I wasn’t sure that was a good thing but at the same time I think he knew just how much being a part of this world meant to me. The club was my family just as much as it was his, even with how fucked up and dysfunctional it got, how chaotic and sometimes violent it could be… It was more family than he or I had ever grown up with and was such an integral part of our identity I was terrified of losing it.

  We brought the food out to noises and whistles of approval and took seats around the table. I sat between Reave and Data. Ghost was across and down two seats from me and we traded a smile before Dragon stood up at the head of the table. Dray at his right hand as always.

  “Now I’m not sure how you boys did this when you were Nomad, or in your other Chapters but here, we do Thanksgiving as a family even when some of us have families we could otherwise be with,” he looked around.

  “Truthfully this table is the fullest we’ve had in a real long time,” Dragon swallowed hard. We all pretty much knew it was because a lot of us were displaced with nowhere else to go.

  “My boy Dray, yer VP made a pretty hardcore observation the other night and it stuck with me. I’d like to share that with you all tonight. He said, ‘The men may be the Heart of The Sacred Hearts, but the women, they’re our soul.’” There was clapping and some cheering and whistling and Dragon waited for the noise to die down. The girls all exchanged looks some blushing, some looking thoughtful.

  “He’s right, and I don’t think that could be more evident than by this fine spread here,” he gestured at the gargantuan mountain of food spread all across the expanse of table. What couldn’t fit on the table sat up on the bar behind Ghost and the lot of them on that side of the table, “So I’m going to say, that we are all pretty much thankful for our brothers and our women and for this fine feast prepared for us by our women. Sacred Hearts Forever, Forever Sacred Hearts.” The men all chorused the last together and Dragon nodded. “Let’s eat!” he declared and with a last, loud and rowdy cheer we tucked in to the food.

  It was one of the most heartfelt and sappiest speeches ever given by our Pres., but at the same time, it was perfect and just right. I’d been here, with The Sacred Hearts for more than a couple of minutes by now and I could honestly say, some of these guys could be the biggest fucking assholes, but at the same time, most, if not all of them, had a heart of solid gold in there somewhere. Dragon was no exception to that rule. Not by a long flat mile.

  I looked around the table at the swollen ranks of Sacred Hearts men. I recognized all the original crew. Disney looking a little more somber than usual, probably because Aaron was at his parents instead of here. I recognized Zeb with his strange facial tats, and Grinder winked at me up the table which made me blush and check Ghost, who was sizing the man up, chewing thoughtfully. There were still a lot and I mean a lot of guys I didn’t know yet.

  There was a guy they called Blue, couldn’t tell you why though, and another dude they called Duracell who was this smokin’ hot Ginger. I’m assuming he was called Duracell after being a ‘copper top’ but you just didn’t really ask those things, it was considered rude... I tried to give the man candy at the table smiles and equal looks to maintain what had become a cover to stay with my chosen family, but my eyes always drifted back to Ghost who would smile softly at me or give me a slight reassuring nod, although I would have to be blind to not see how it strained him.

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about his possessiveness. The girl I’d been would have been pissed about him being a fucking caveman when he didn’t have a god damned right to be but the girl I was now… I don’t know. I
kind of liked it, it didn’t feel oppressive; it felt comfortable. Safe even. I ate quietly and listened to the stories flying across the table about this run or that and tried to sort out my feelings.

  I guess what it really boiled down to was how I was feeling versus how I thought I was supposed to feel given what had happened to me, which was crazy and ridiculous but it was there just the same. I leaned back in my seat at my epiphany…

  Holy shit. That was it. I was tying myself up in knots about not feeling or feeling this or that because of what had happened to me, not because it happened but because I was afraid that by wanting Ghost that I was somehow betraying my gender and all other women who’d… I scrubbed my face with my hands and took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  “Shelly?” Ashton’s soft murmured voice at my elbow. I looked up startled into her golden eyes which were concerned above her smiling mouth. “Could you help me in the kitchen?” she asked and I leapt on it.

  “Yes! Yes absolutely.” I shoved back from the table and followed the slight woman into the kitchen behind the bar.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked gently when we were out of earshot away from the table.

  “That obvious huh?” I asked.

  “You looked like you’d…”

  I put up a hand and laughed, “No puns, accidental or not.” She smiled at that but inclined her head, a gesture that told me to go on with whatever it was I had to say.

  “No, I was thinking about my place here and um,” I raised my eyes from the floor to meet hers and she cocked her head to the side and searched my face. The light bulb went off pretty quickly.

  “Sex?” she asked.

  “Sounds good to me!” Grinder came through the kitchen door and pulled me into his side. I put up my hands and stopped him from pulling me closer. I laughed and hoped it sounded light hearted.

  “Maybe I have a date for tonight,” I tried.

  “Yep! Me,” he said and his tone wasn’t something that you could, would or should argue with. I laughed again but it was really strained now and I pushed a little harder against his broad chest and cut as he walked us back out into the common room, making for the back rooms of the club. I cursed in my head. He’d tied one on pretty good and the old me would have just shrugged and said fuck it. She would have gone with him, got on him, gotten off, gotten off of him and called it good.

  But I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted Ghost… but I also wanted to keep my family. I pushed against Grinder harder and his hold on me tightened. Ashton was furiously whispering into Trigger’s ear everyone else was engaged in conversation I desperately cast my eyes for Ghost but he was at a bad angle, his back to me. Trigger coughed, I gave him a look and tried to telegraph with my eyes that I wanted one more shot at talking Grinder down. Trig nodded, I looked up into Grinder’s muddy hazel gaze and bit my lower lip and smiled. A coy flirtatious look I’d mastered.

  “Slow your roll there big boy!” I tried, again, for a light hearted tone.

  “I have to help clean up,” I was grasping at straws. Hell. He stilled and smiled back at me.

  “You can when we’re done,” Fuck. Which was so what I didn’t want to do for a change. I frowned and pouted a little.

  “Come on, let me help the girls clean up,” I pushed against him more insistently this time and twisted in his grasp.

  “What I’m not good enough for you?” he asked.

  “Not what I said!” I laughed.

  “Good,” He tried to kiss me and I turned my head. I saw Trigger stand up sharply out of the corner of my eye and Reaver pop up a half second later. The conversation halved but didn’t die.

  “Come on, let me go, please?” I said and he glared down at me.

  “Never met a choosy whore before. What the fuck?” he demanded loudly and the conversation died, like a switch had been flipped. The jig, as they say, was up. I felt my shoulders drop in defeat.

  “She’s not a whore,” I turned and blinked at Ghost who stood just outside arm’s reach, his thumbs casually hooked in his belt loops. His hazel eyes soft when they fell on my face.

  “You’re not going to lose your family Baby. I’m not going to let that happen,” he said low and gentle. I blinked at him. Grinder had stilled and I looked up at him. He was glaring at me.

  “Ghost?” my voice was confused which matched what was going on inside my head perfectly.

  “Let her go man. She’s mine. She’s my Old Lady,” Ghost said and I blinked.

  “She said she didn’t belong to anybody,” Grinder frowned, his alcohol fogged brain trying to catch up.

  “She told you that on Friday man, she didn’t belong to anybody then. I made her mine on Tuesday,” Grinder looked down at me.

  “That true?” he demanded. I stared at Ghost and nodded dumbly. Grinder let me go, thrusting me back like I’d burned him.

  “Shit man! I had no idea. She didn’t say anything.” I blinked stupidly.

  “You didn’t really give me the chance,” I said defensively.

  “Mouthy bitch! You might want to look to that brother,” Grinder said to Ghost and sniffed. Ghost looked at me, his lips thinning.

  “Yep. I’ll do that now,” he said and grabbed me by the arm. Firmly, but not hurting. He towed me toward the back and I went right along still trying to figure out exactly what just happened. He opened the door to his room and thrust me inside and quickly followed me in, closing the door tightly behind us. I stood stunned and turned and Ghost was there, hands gently checking me over.

  “Baby you okay?” he asked me. He stripped off my cardigan and I startled hard at that. “Easy, easy Princess, I’m just checking you out making sure he didn’t hurt you, leave any bruises.” I blinked.

  “What did you just do?” I asked in a strained whisper. He smiled that one sided boyish smile that made my heart melt every time I saw it.

  “I wanted to do things right, wanted to take things nice and slow and build up to it and ask you proper but… Oh Shelly.” My eyes welled up, I couldn’t help it. He gently cupped my face and smoothed his thumbs over my cheeks.

  “When you told me about keeping up appearances? There was no way I was gonna let you lose your family on Thanksgiving. No way. You don’t have to do anything. I don’t expect-” I kissed him. I grabbed him by his shoulders and kissed him fiercely and put every ounce of what I was feeling behind it.

  His hands dropped to my waist and stayed where it was respectful and he kissed me back. Slowly and carefully. Like I was fragile, like I might break, and I don’t think he was far off the mark. I broke the kiss, my hands holding his face like his had held mine just a moment before and I rested my forehead against his.

  “I don’t understand! Why would you do that?” I cried.

  “Well… because,” he said as if it explained everything.

  “Because! Because why!?” I sniffed and realized I was full on crying and didn’t even care. I was just so shocked and so grateful and confused and scared and elated and so many things were going on inside my head I couldn’t keep any of it straight.

  “Breathe, Princess,” he said and I did, mimicking his movements like I had on the road, God was it only a week ago?

  “I don’t understand Ghost! Why would you do that?” I demanded again and he smiled and let his hands slide from either side of my waist to my back, pulling me closer to him and something in my chest eased, an anxiety or stress or something I didn’t even have a word for. It just loosened and I felt myself relax because being like this, with Ghost… It was all I had ever wanted and I could see it in his eyes before he said anything…

  “I did it because it’s true Princess, I want you. I want you as my Old Lady, in my bed, in only my bed. I want you because maybe it is true what they say. Maybe it only takes 8.75 seconds for a dude to fall in love because I’m pretty fucking sure it took me less than that to fall in love with you.”

  I stared at him, chest heaving. Wait what!?

  Chapter 12

  Ghost…


  She was panicking, overwhelmed or something, and so I switched tactics ever so slightly.

  "Shelly, Shelly, look at me." I needed her to look me in the eye, I needed for us to be clear on this. I put my hands to either side of her head and those sapphire eyes darted to mine, she was on the verge of really freaking out. I rested my forehead against hers and made soothing sounds until the fear left her body, muscle groups losing their tension one by one, until her eyes closed and her breathing slowed. Her eyes opened and she did what I needed her to do, she looked at me.

  "I'm only going to say this once, so you'd better listen and you'd better listen good. I am not a onetime thing Honey. You have to understand, there is no one and done here. I don't care if I'm the best you've ever had or the worst... This is it. You sleep with me and you belong to me and that means all of you, the broken bits, the jagged bits all of it. You on a good day, you on a bad day, it doesn't matter. I'm not like those other guys. I don't do casual, there has never been one and done here and there never will be. You do this... We do this... It's forever. You get what I'm saying?" I stared into her eyes from bare inches away and they became luminous with her tears. She sniffed and she trembled in my hands, I smoothed my thumbs beneath her eyes and wiped away the tears. It killed me when she cried. What I’d said needed to be said but I was also hoping it would piss her off just a little. She seemed to center out a little better when she was angry, but anger isn’t what I got from her on this, which surprised me.

  "I don't understand!" She said helplessly, "Why would you want to tie yourself to someone like me someone who's... Who's..."

  "Who’s what? Beautiful? Smart? Funny? Caring? A total fireball who makes me smile? Who makes me laugh outright when it feels like the whole damned world has gone to Hell around me?" I smiled a little sadly, knowing she saw none of those things in herself and was a little surprised when she ventured with,