It was about 2 o’clock when the door went and I found my self getting up and answering the door, it was the least I could do to help James and plus I didn’t want him to feel awkward when he answered the door. I saw that it was Miss Mayfield, my next door neighbour that lives in the other beach house. “Hello Mrs Mayfield”. “Hello dear, sorry to drop by like this but I just heard the news and I couldn’t help but come over straight away” she gave me a caring smile. She is a really nice woman and always helped my Dad out when he needed favours and he would help her too. “Thank you” I was trying to fight back the tears now as people have started to find out and how long is it before they start to come and see how I’m doing. “How you feeling dear honestly?” her voice sounded so concerned. She always cared for me and my feelings. “Honestly, I don’t know how I am feeling. I’m a bit mixed up and I’m still adjusting, I just keep expecting to see him you know” I bow my head because I know its true, I can’t help but feel like this is a dream but then again I know better. She took a step forward and gave me a big hug, I instantly hugged her back. We made the hug last for a while longer before she released me and looked me in the eye and said “Don’t worry dear you will get through it, you’re your father’s daughter after all” “Thank you” I was on the verge to crying now, I feel so fragile like anything will set me of. “Have you made any funeral arrangements dear because I can help if you would like?” that was it, there it was the one thing that tipped my feelings of the edge and before you knew it the tears wear already half way down my face. I hadn’t thought about that, well I tried not to think about that. I mean the funeral makes everything so final. It makes it set in stone that he is gone and is never coming back to me. “I’m sorry hunny I never meant to upset you, but it’s good to let it out” she gave me another hug while I cried on her shoulder. I pulled away from the hug and wiped my eyes and cleared my throat before I attempted to speak. “Urm, no I haven’t made any plans for the funeral yet but I will begin with James later on tonight and it would be nice to see what you think of the final plans once they have been arranged so thank you for the offer” I gave her a weak smile and wiped the excess tears left from my face. “Your welcome dear, and if you ever need to talk you know where I am” “Thank you Mrs Mayfield”. I gave her one last hug goodbye and then shut the door. I stood there for a moment before I found my self calling for James. “You okay?” he said when he got near me. His face looked worried, I felt bad for making it seem so bad but the truth is I couldn’t bring my self to move. Before I knew it I had my arms wrapped around his neck and hugging him, he hugged me straight back and gave me a squeeze which made me feel all warm inside. “Will you help me with the funeral?” I whispered in his ear. “Of course” he replied. I don’t know what came over me when I hugged him but I just wanted a hug, I needed a hug, I wasn’t expecting myself to do that but I did and it didn’t feel weird.
Tears were falling again but it was because I realised I wasn’t going to be able to get through this without someone by my side. No daughter should have to bury their fathers at this age. After a while longer we both backed out of the hug. After that I did feel a bit better but it wasn’t going to change how I felt long term. I quickly went to my room to grab the envelope, I didn’t really want to open it again but I had to get the little post-it note with all the numbers on, I also had to get my phone so I could make the call. As I came back to the living room, James was already on the sofa waiting for me. When I took my seat next to James I got my phone out and got ready to call them. When I finally took a look at my phone I found I had missed calls from loads of people especially Leanne and Zeke, I also had many messages from them and other people. This is just the beginning but I know I will have to reply sometime but is it okay if sometime is not today? Oh well I am not going to reply till at least tomorrow that way I can clear my head a little. I seriously don’t know how I am feeling I mean maybe I’m just calming myself down as I have certain responsibilities now that I didn’t before an hour ago. I mean I have to prepare a speech, have to organise the gathering after the funeral, there’s just so much too do and I want it to be perfect for my Dad. What if I do something wrong? What if it’s not what he wanted? What if he doesn’t like it? I don’t want to disappoint dad. I want to give him the send off he deserves. I started to freak out before I even made the call. Deep breaths I told myself. I looked up to find the same concerned look on James’ face. I cleared my screen of all the call and texts and dialled the number on the post-it. As it began to call my stomach a started to twist into knots that couldn’t be undone and my whole body started to tremble, when some one finally picked up the phone my heart dropped. I never expected it would be me arranging a funeral. James shot me a look that said ‘talk go on you can do it’ I took a deep breath and began to talk. “Hello is this Martin & Castile co?” “Yes it is, what can I do for you?” What can I do for you, what can I do for you. Well for a start I would like to bury my Dad and not have your snarky comments thanks, I mean why else would I be calling bloody funeral directors if I wasn’t going to burying anyone, is that meant to be some kind of sick joke. Wow, I was getting so paranoid that I didn’t even realise that they were still on the phone. I forgot about what I thought and began to speak again. “Yeah my name is Sami Myers and I would like to arrange a reception and burial for my father?” well that one hurt. That was like taking a bullet saying my father. I don’t know how long I will be able to keep my cool for but I know soon I am going to blow my top. I don’t think my mind realises what is going on but my heart does, so they are both telling me one thing and another and I don’t know which one is more over powering.
I carried on the conversation for a good half hour before it was finally all done and sorted. I had a few moments where I thought I would break down and cry again but James was by my side and helped me all the way through. I feel sorry for him as he has to deal with me and I just don’t know how he is going to handle me. The funeral date was set for 31st of May which is only 4 days away. I thought it would be best if we buried him sooner rather than later as I want him to be at peace finally. I would have to let everyone know but I think I can leave that to James or tomorrow. I think it will be best if I just hand him my phone and he can do all the people I wrote on the list. My Dad had many friends so I’m sure they will all come and give their blessings. I would have to do that email to his work office and make sure his secretary informs the company that save me telling about 40 people. That just leaves me and James to let the other 70 people he knew. I decided that we would have the ceremony at the Los Angeles international church; this is where I want him to be buried. For his casket I picked a white one, he is special and white is the colour of angel’s wings and he belongs with the angels. I realised why he called me angel all the time and he thought I was a god given. At times I think I never deserved to be called my Dads angel. I moved past that thought and had a think about what else had to be done. I wasn’t to sure about having a get together as I don’t know how I will be feeling afterwards and to be honest I’m afraid I don’t know what I am feeling at the moment. I just feel like my body is on standby and not willing to let me feel anything for the moment. James and I sat in silence for a while till our thoughts were interrupted by the door again. This time I let James get the door. It was Zeke; I can recognize his voice from miles away. What I also can tell about Zeke is how curious he is to why James has answered the door. Zeke came with a bunch of my favourite flowers and a package. “Who are you?” Zeke said to James. “I’m James Evans” James replied. “Well what are you doing here?” that is it Zeke was jealous you could hear it in the way he was asking James. Before James could answer I cut in, I wasn’t going to let James tell Zeke how my father asked him to look after me when my father died and that he knew he had cancer and moved in the night he died. I mean that’s not going to go down to well with Zeke but the truth is I was glad James came that night because it gave me comfort knowing someone was here. Even if it wasn’t the perso
n I wanted it to be. “Let’s not talk about that right now, thank you very much”. I could tell they were looking at each other for a while longer before Zeke came in and sat on the table opposite me.
I could tell he felt bad for being more concerned about who’s keeping me company more than why someone is looking after me.
He looked me and said “Hey Sami, how you holding up?” he reached my hand to show he was here for me. “Honestly, I don’t really know” I was being completely honest. I don’t know how I am feeling. It’s just really hard to describe. I can’t cry no more one because I don’t think I have enough water in my body to keep me crying and two my body’s just not allowing me. It was quiet for a while longer before Zeke began to speak again. “Here Christian wanted me to give you these, he said he would of brought them round himself but he got snowed down at work, he said he’s sorry and will try and see you as soon he can”. I looked up at him and said “Well tell him thanks when you see him and tell him I would like to have him at the funeral with you” “Of course we will both be there, no questions asked” he gave my hand a quick squeeze before letting go. I looked at my hands when I told him about the arrangements. “The funeral is this Thursday at Los Angeles international church and it will be at 12, if you could let your mum know I would be great full” I looked up again and gave him a weak smile. I could feel James’ eyes on my back; I could tell he was observing what was going on. Zeke handed me the package with the photo scrap books I made, I put the envelope on my lap and focused back on Zeke. “Thank you” “Welcome”. Zeke got up from where he was sitting and stood signalling that he was going to leave. I stood up and gave him a hug goodbye and saw him to the door. He turned around when he got outside and said “Take care Sami” he took one looked at me then shot a look to James. They both sent a glare to one another before Zeke looked at me one final time and nodded goodbye. I watched and waited until Zeke was out of the drive before I shut the door.
I decided that I would look through the pictures and see how they turned out. I took my seat back down on the sofa and beckoned for James to join me. We both sat down as I began to go through the pictures. I never realised how good they would all turn out, the editing was really good thanks to Christian but everything was beautiful. I smiled towards myself as I looked at the pictures and all the good times with Lee and Zeke. All that changed when I came across a few pictures of all of us with my Dad. My stomach dropped each time I saw one, it was a sick reminder of the past and that there’s never going to be any more pictures with him. He’s no longer going to see me go off and do what I want, he’s not going to be there when I get my first serious job. He’s not even going to be there when I have kids. I wasn’t crying at the moment, I couldn’t. I found myself arguing with the new facts. I realised that I was no longer flicking through the pages, I found myself just staring into space unaware that James was still beside me. I drew all my focus back to the scrapbook and carried on flicking through it like nothing just happened. I wanted to keep things as normal as I could up until the funeral. I want to be able to give my Dad the goodbye he deserved, with everyone that loved him around.
The last days went faster than I thought they would be. I had the same routine everyone morning, I woke up to find James there up and early, with freshly made coffee just the way I like it. I have eaten a few things here and there but I haven’t managed to have a full days full of food and to be honest with you I don’t think I can stomach it. I have managed to keep my cool and haven’t had any out bursts, I mean I honestly haven’t got a clue how I am feeling all I can say is I’m confused. I also haven’t been crying through the nights so I have been able to get sleep, but just because I haven’t been crying don’t mean I got rid of the dreams of my Dad. I still have had them every night since. They always seem to be how it would be if I knew and how I could help him. I have also had a few people drop by with flowers offering there condolences, to be honest that was hard but I still didn’t shed a tear, my body was simply not allowing it. I did however start to feel a bit low on Tuesday so I ended up going through the letters Dad wrote for me. I haven’t looked through the envelope since that night so I decided to read it in my room where I could be alone. I looked through the letter and found Tuesday. It gave me shivers seeing the letter. It had Tuesday written on the front of the first sheet. I unfolded the letter and began to read:
For the Tuesday’s of every week to come…
Dear my angel Sami,
Now I know you must be feeling tired and distressed and you aren’t to sure on where to place your feelings on a scale of one to ten, but honestly princess life can get you this way. But all you need to remember is you are a smart and intelligent girl and you can go any where in life you want to. Remember the only person holding you back from what you want is yourself, well and the law but let’s not go there. You are beautiful and I am ever so proud of you. I will always be by your side in the things you do and the decisions you make. I’m with you every step of the way. Don’t be afraid to let yourself love and feel something for someone. Don’t let your emotions stand in the way of what you want in life. And yes we both know you can be stubborn at times but come on face it, you’re my daughter for Christ sake you had to be stubborn. I see a lot of myself in you angel. Just go for what you want and never look back.
For the Tuesdays of every week to come…
Daddy xx
I didn’t cry, but I found myself feeling a bit better, I liked the fact that I can read the letters any day of the week. My Dad really did have it planned for me. I mean most Dads would never let a guy look after their 18 year old daughter. Dad must have had a lot of trust for James; I mean he already had a key. I’m starting to think James is no longer here for my Dad I generally believe he is here for me. He is very supportive and just makes me feel like I’m not alone through this. For the past few days James has been helping me around the house and has also been helping with the funeral. We thought it would be good to sort out the financial things as I don’t think I would be in the right mind later on. I mean anything could happen. In this last four days I have just pilled myself up with things to do so that I don’t have to think about it. I have been writing a speech at night before I go to bed and keep adding on to it. I think the speech is what’s going to make me cry.
Today’s the day of the funeral and I set my alarm for 8, but the truth is I was already up before it even went off. I didn’t get any sleep last night, I was so stressed. I was tossing and turning having the same dream I have had since my Dad passed away. It didn’t make a difference to me that I had no sleep I was too focused on today and how it would turn out. I kept thinking what if people don’t turn up but of course that is madness of course people will turn up. I’m just trying to keep my mind focused I mean I don’t need any distractions. I got out from my bed and reached for my dressing gown. The least I could do is eat something, it might calm my nerves and I didn’t eat dinner last night so it would help if I had something in my stomach. I made my way out of my room and headed to the kitchen, James was already there eating his breakfast. “Hey, how you feeling did you sleep okay?” James asked after he finished his mouthful. “Not really no, you?” I wasn’t in the mood to talk about my sleeping habits, we can deal with them another day today is my Dads day. “I slept fine thanks. Do you want me to make breakfast?” he asked. “I’m fine thanks; I’m just going to have toast for breakfast”. I got a plate out and ready while I waited for the toast to cook. James finished his breakfast and put his plate in the dishwasher before coming over to me. I did it again. I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a hug, he hugged me straight back and said “You are a strong minded girl, you can do this okay?” he hugged me even tighter before letting go. I released my arms from his waist and gave him a weak smile. He has been so helpful these past days I honestly don’t know what I would do without him. He has had to carry me of to my bed on more than one occasion because I have fallen asleep during the
day while on the sofa or when I have been talking to him. He is just always there and I kind of like having him around it’s like I don’t want him to go. James went to go get ready as we had to be at the church early just to make sure everything is how we wanted it to be. I ate my toast in silence while I thought about my speech. I haven’t cried in a few days so I hope I don’t break down in the middle of it. I made myself a promise and I plan to keep that promise.
Just A Daddy's Girl Page 10