Right. That’s it, it’s been 3 days and she still hasn’t appeared from her room. This is ridiculous, Cole asked me too look after her and now look, she is starving herself. Not eating and keeping herself shut away from everyone that cares about her. I got up from the sofa and made my way to Sami’s room. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door and waited… Nothing. Not a sound. I knocked one last time and waited again. Still… Nothing. I opened the door and saw her, curled up on the bed into a little ball on top of the covers. I have no idea if she has moved but it looks like she hasn’t moved in a while. I acted upon my instincts and went straight to her; I picked her up off the bed despite the moans I got from her. Luckily for both of us I guess she has showered because, one this could be extremely awkward for me and two, very embarrassing for her.
Once we were out of her room and into the living room I thought since it was a nice day and the fresh air would do Sami good, I took her outside. As I walked over to the back door and stepped out I took a glance down at her. I caught her green eyes staring right into my own. She was hurting, the same way I was a few years ago. Her eyes tell me she’s lonely and she’s afraid. I know all this just by looking into her eyes. I have never felt that sort of connection before, not even with my own mother. I mean sure, I have had girlfriends and had a few heartfelt moments but I have never had this feeling before. The feeling that, the person looking into my eyes see me as the real me.
My moment was broken when she spoke. “James, I am so sorry” she was holding back the tears as she spoke. “I never meant what I said; I never should have said it. I know I am upset and tired but that doesn’t give me the right to turn around and accuse the one person that is here for me and despite what I think, I know you’re here looking after me because you want to. I see why my Dad asked you to take care of me. I know I am a hard person to deal with and I can be a bitch. Like I was earlier but the truth is, I don’t know what I am doing or what I am supposed to do. For the last few days I have sat and gone over and over in my head what I am meant to do. Being with-out my Dad has made me realise so many things and the bit that hurts the most is that I am alone. When you go, it will still be me and only me. I will just have the memories of what used to be. I go back to the day we left my mum and I just think would this of happened if we stayed”. I was on the verge of crying myself I mean little does she know that I am not going anywhere. I want to stay with her as long as I can I want to be here till she’s the one that is ordering me away. She can chuck sticks and she can chuck stones but the truth is I wont leave her until I know she truly means it. I like being around her despite she is not at her best but she puts a smile on my face even if it just for a second. “Its okay. I’m not going anywhere so you don’t have to worry about being alone okay? You will never be alone truly, not with all the friends you have anyway” I gave her a wink and that’s when I caught a glimpse of a smile that has been dying to show for weeks. I sat her down on the decking stairs so she could she the sea straight ahead. I kept my eyes on her the whole time as she took in all what was in front of her. “Thank you James for being here and just taking care of me. I honestly don’t know what ill do without you. But can you promise me that no matter how ungrateful I become or say anything hurtful to you again, can you promise that you wont turn your back on me?” and there it was again, the same feeling I got when I looked into her eyes a few minutes ago. The way she looked deep into my eyes and kept her focus no matter what. As if there was nothing in the world that mattered at that moment and it was just me and her. “I promise” I said back to her still not breaking the glance between us. I knew it, she felt it too. Under all the sadness and emotions she is feeling deep down she feels the same thing I do. And for the first time, I’m not scared to embrace it. Obviously there will have to be a right time. Sami broke the glance and turned to look back at the sea one last time.
Hours later, from where we were once sitting on the deck found ourselves watching a film that was recently released on film flex. Of course it would have to be something that cheered Sami up, so naturally she would pick twilight. I really don’t get these films and personally think there a waste of time. And I’m not just saying this because Taylor Lautner who plays Jacob and Robert Pattinson who plays Edward have better bodies and can act and get girls. I’m saying this as 2 guys who I must say are okay actors are too busy making themselves look silly and airbrushed and look fake and that the film producers have actually ruined the books as the books are so much better and have so much detail so when people who have read the books go to watch the film, they feel let down and how would I know this? Well I was one of those people who read the books. Of course Sami would never need to know that I read the books as it makes me sound less masculine. And I have an image to maintain. I would never criticize this film in front of Sami as it would be like telling a child that there is no such thing as Santa clause so I best not go there. So we sat and watched the awful film, by now its getting kind of late so normally I would have said that we should start to get ready to turn in but instead I had a better idea.
I took Sami by the hand and led her through to the decking, making sure I picked up the blanket of the side of the couch. I led her all the way down to the beach and found a comfy spot where I could lay the blanket down. I took my seat on the blanket and tapped the empty space next to me. She took her seat next to me and we both put our heads back so we were finally lying on our backs looking up at the sky. Above us shone stars so bright that each yelled for our attention. I turned my head so I was facing Sami, she was still mesmerised by the beauty of the stars. I could tell its been a while since she has been out side. What amazed us both was what we saw next. If you wasn’t looking up at the sky you would of missed it. It was a shooting star. It was truly beautiful. The way it lit up the sky around it as it owned the sky. That star was having its moment of fame. I can say now that in my life I have seen a shooting star and not only did I witness that shooting star I got to see it with the girl that one day I want to be able to call mine. A smile crept up on my face as the thought made me smile from the inside out. “Did you see that?” Sami said amazed. “Of course” I turned and looked at her again. She turned her whole body so she was on her side facing me. “You planned this didn’t you?” “Believe it or not I didn’t actually, I just thought for a change it would be nice if we spent the night looking up at the stars. And I wanted to tell you something about me that I haven’t been able to share with you since I met you but I think now’s the perfect time for both of us” I took a deep breath and moved so I was now lying on my back and facing the stars. I took one last deep breath and began to tell her. “Well, the other day when you yelled at me. I didn’t mean to walk away the truth is I was sort of having a flashback you could say but urm well when I was 17 I lost my parents to a car crash. I was in the car with them when it happened and they died instantly from the impact of the car that hit us. I was the only one that survived the crash and I had a hard time getting through it. But that’s when your Dad came in and that’s where my life changed for the better all thanks to your Dad. I met him at the hospital and from then on he was a big part in my life, my graduation and helping me getting my diploma and everything. I was a right mess around that time and your Dad always helped me out of situations. He let me rant and rave and let all my feelings out and id shout at him. Not shout directly at him of course but I’d let out all my frustration and he would sit there and take it all in then begin to calm me down and just help me sort out my feelings. Just like you exploded on me except I just walked away when I should of stayed. Anyway urm if it wasn’t for him me and you wouldn’t be looking up at the stars or even having this conversation. Your Dad turned my life around and I owe him big time. No-one supported me like your Dad did Sami. You don’t realise how special your Dad was honestly. Your Dad was a role model to a lot more people than you think. I just thought you should now how my story began and how I met your Dad” I glanced over in her direction after a few
moments of silence. “Maybe it wasn’t the best time to say that, sorry Sami” “No, no don’t be sorry I was just processing. I mean James I never knew. I wouldn’t of been such a cow if I knew I mean you do know what it is like and been through it and you saw it first hand and then there’s me who’s ranting and raving at you for things I shouldn’t of thought, let alone said” before I could reply I felt Sami’s arms wrap round my neck and gave me a hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her back. After about a minute or so the hug was over and we returned to lying on our backs. “When your Dad asked me to look after you, I said yes because I wanted to help Cole. I wanted to thank him for everything he did for me. When I found out about the cancer I freaked. I was in pure shock; no one deserves to get cancer especially not Cole. I said yes to helping him as I wanted to help you. Your Dad described you as an angel; he would always talk to me about you, telling me how you would do all these crazy things. Telling me about your singing and your surfing. He told me how beautiful you were and wouldn’t miss a detail every time he described you to me. He said you were undecided in what you wanted to be and I just thought maybe I could help and that maybe you could help me too. I mean I quit being a paramedic the night your Dad died. I sort of hoped that we could figure out what we wanted to be together, you know help one another. But urm the one thing I am still unsure about is whether I can help you the way Cole thought I could. Don’t get me wrong I want to help you and I am trying my best to get it right but I’m scared my best isn’t enough” I don’t have a clue where that came from but I felt the urge to just be honest with her. Being around her makes me feel like I can tell her everything no matter how embarrassing it is. The silence was still lingering between us after a few good minutes. I didn’t dare to look at her I thought for once ill let her break the silence. When she did, I felt so relieved. “We will figure it out together, and don’t worry your best is perfect”. After that we just stayed put and kept gazing up at the stars.
Maybe we hit a turning point.
For the Saturday’s of every week to come…
Dear Sami,
Okay, what could get you so down that you are not out on the waves of even looking at them, I mean I bet the waves are huge and are just literally calling your name. okay, I’m not really there to find out what your exact problem is but the truth is angel you know I cant really help. I’m no longer there to be the person you lean on. I do believe that what ever is bothering you, you will finally get over it. I believe in you so much and that is why I asked you why you were not on the beach. I knew from the day we got here that the beach would be your safe place as well as mine. You no longer need to have me around you simply need to be the person I bought you up to be. Use your safe place, make you feel normal again. No one can take it away from you. Remember, life presents us with difficulties which are to only strengthen us And encourage us to take the next step into what life awaits us. Ill always be here princess, always.
For the Saturday’s of every week to come…
Daddy xx
Everything’s going
to be okay
Sami
It’s been a little over 2 months now since the passing of my Dad and I guess I have sort of come to terms with him being gone. It’s hard to think about not having him around. It sort of shows me how I have been so dependant of my Dad that when he died it hurt more. Being around him all the time made it harder for me to accept the fact that he is no longer around and won’t be coming back. It’s taken me a long time to realise this and although everyone around me has been able to forget and move on I haven’t until now. I wouldn’t have been able to get this far without the help of James. Since he has been here he has found a way to break me out of my shell and let me be the real me, no matter how ugly or harsh I am he has just been there and hasn’t left my side. Having him around makes a big difference, since he opened up to me when we were under the stars on the night of the shooting star; I have been able to connect with him in a way that I have never connected with anyone. James and I have had a few moments that I have never been able to get out of my head, I mean when I looked into his eyes I couldn’t break the glance between us. I felt like I was seeing into him and that he was there letting me see every emotion he has ever had. I still feel guilty for the way I acted towards him at the very start but the truth is I don’t want him to leave. The feeling that if he goes, everything that he has helped me build will just fall apart and if that happens where will be? Every now and then I have my moments but he is always there to pick me up, I feel safe in his arms and sometimes I don’t want to leave his embrace. The thought in my mind keeps telling me that he’s the one that is meant to make me complete and that my Dad knew this, I mean he could of easily asked Zeke to look after me but instead he asked James. Zeke is just as trusting as James; fair enough Zeke has his jealous moments but why not him? Maybe this was Dads plan after all. Man do I miss my Dad. The one thing I haven’t been able to do yet is pack up his room. I had the idea that if I packed up the room and put all of his stuff in the loft and keep it safe that maybe I would moving into his room instead. I am keeping the house and don’t think I will ever be able to sell it. It was bought for me after all and to be honest I like the idea of living on a beach and if it ever comes down to me having kids in the future I’m sure they will love the beach too.
I have managed to find my voice a little and have written a few songs that in my opinion are pretty good. I have been using the guitar to help get the right background beat and I have finally finished a song. Whether its Hollywood perfect or not, I know Dad will be pleased with me. I have been playing late on the beach every Friday and just singing in the shower. I feel a lot better than I did before but I know it’s always going to be hard seeing as I was a Daddy’s girl.
Now that I am feeling much better I have had some thoughts about my mum. I know we left her about 5 and half years ago but I can’t help but have the feeling that talking to her is the right thing. I have no idea whether my Dad told her about the cancer so I don’t know how she will react if her daughter calls her after about 5 years out of the blue and announces that Dad has died. To be fair I don’t think I am ready for that drama I mean I have just come to terms with it I think I deserve a little more time before I make that call. Least I know James will be by my side.
James
Sami’s been doing well ever since we had that moment on the beach. When we saw the shooting star, I didn’t wish for anything, why would I? I want everything to happen because it’s meant to happen not because I wished for it. But seeing that star was just the highlight of the night, it made that moment between us real and it made it important. Over the last 2 months I have seen her change; I mean she is completely different. She doesn’t look different but she looks more alive. She is coming to terms with losing her Dad and I can even hear her singing every now and again. Her voice is just beautiful and unique; she can also play the guitar beautifully. She doesn’t understand the talent she has. It’s just remarkable. Unfortunately we haven’t managed to find jobs but I think it’s becoming a lot easier for us to find our hidden talents. All I’m worried about is, how long till she realises she doesn’t need me anymore and asks me to leave. When will be the right time to try and tell her how I feel?
I know we are going round in circles and we aren’t really moving but I think if she goes for what she wants she will get there. I have scheduled some interviews but they’re like a month away. I don’t want to start working until Sami is set and knows what she is going to do. Hopefully she will take up a singing career because it will get her far whether she thinks so or not.
I haven’t been back home properly for a while, I mean I have been back to get a few different clothes and that but the truth is most of my stuff that I use or wear is all at Sami’s and I have all the new stuff I bought when we went shopping last month. Maybe I should bring up with Sami the living situation.
Today, well
today’s just another one of those days. Sami’s in the shower getting ready so that we can go for a walk; she said she wanted to show me something. I was already ready and dressed and was just waiting on Sami. I think from now on I’ll just let her shower first, I am like 5 minutes in the shower and Sami’s a good 20 minutes. Anyway I just found a way to occupy myself I turned up the radio and took a seat on the sofa and flicked through some of the magazines on the sofa. The magazines were surfing magazines which was perfect. I need to by a new board but I don’t think there’s a point, since I have been living with Sami I haven’t surfed. I know that she surfs too but I don’t think I should surf with-out her. She was soon out and changed into her jeans and long sleeved t-shirt. It’s not cold out but it’s not as hot as it was earlier on during the day. It’s just gone 6 o’clock. Probably by the time we get back it will be a bit colder; so the long sleeved tops a good idea. Me, I’m just wearing a pair of 3 quarter length jeans and a t-shirt. When she came out of her room she also had her guitar in her hand. I felt the need to ask but the truth is I wanted it to remain a secret, because she has obviously planned something. Once we were ready to go Sami locked up behind us and we headed for the beach. Today we went in an opposite direction to where we would usually go and sit when we are on the beach. I didn’t want to ask where we were going so I thought it would be best wait and see.
Sami
Well today has just been one of those days where we have dossed about round the house and have watched films. I had a thought during the day and I wanted to see it through. I decided that I wanted to take James to where Dad and I used to walk before he got ill. I want to share a lot with him, and I want to show him before he goes. I want him to stay with me but I don’t want to take away what ever he had before. I like the idea of him moving in and staying with me. I mean he has helped so much with looking after the house and everything and I think that I will ask him tonight. I like the idea of having James around. I mean there is just something about him that makes me feel connected to him. I fell bad that he also has to handle the bills at his house when he isn’t even living there.
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