Nothing could be done about Cooper selling off their cattle. He had claimed he lost the strays and the storm had prevented him from finding them again. When he went out the next morning, it appeared they had just disappeared.
Hudson was Ina’s constant companion, and it seemed to frighten her whenever he wasn’t at her side. Tommy and Beth were deliriously happy, looking forward to their future marriage to Konton and Taima, but even that presented problems by expanding the family and needing more room to house them.
Carrabelle seemed to be coming along nicely, learning to cook for the household, but once Callie returned, she may want to take over cooking again, and Connor wondered what would be expected of Carrabelle then? He was starting to get attached to her, but he was so busy taking care of both ranches, he had little time to spend with her, or even felt it was the proper thing to do, considering she was supposed to be the cook.
He had often watched her from a distance and admired the way she moved or the many expressions that came across her face as she went about her duties. When she looked up unexpectedly, noticing him watching her, he would quickly look away and leave the room. They seldom talked, unless necessary. What was there to say, other than praising her for her accomplishments in cooking? She was turning out to be a remarkably good cook, he thought happily to himself. Only if they couldn’t use her, where would she go?
Connor pushed the thoughts aside. He didn’t have time for daydreaming or even thinking about taking on a wife. He paused. Had he been thinking about taking Carrabelle as a wife? Was all this ‘marriage in the air’ getting to him? Tommy and Beth seemed deliriously happy about their future prospects of becoming married. He had never seen them so happy before. Did he crave that same kind of happiness and thought he could find it through Carrabelle? It was a sure thing he didn’t have a lot of time for courting women or going to socials in order to meet one. Was it really Carrabelle he liked, or the idea of having a wife, settling down, and raising a family to inherit the ranch once he was gone?
The shrill sound of the train whistle pierced the air and his thoughts. What would Callie and Chayton think, once they discovered everything that had transpired while they were away? He hadn’t written to tell them anything since there hadn’t been enough time to do it. Now he would have to admit, events seemed to be spiraling out of hand.
Callie rushed to Connor and gave him a hug, as soon as she stepped down and saw him standing there on the platform. It was so good to get back, she thought. She hadn’t realized how much she missed the familiarity of returning to a life she thought she was going to hate when she was first sent there by her parents. She remembered how she had waited for Chet at this very station, and he had whisked her off to marry her the moment she arrived so he could take her to the “wedding bed” as soon as possible. She glanced over at Chayton, stepping down from the train and felt how lucky it was that those things were all behind her.
Shanny refused Joey’s help, stepping down from the train. She looked like a misplaced cowboy, not knowing whether to act like a man or a woman. She had tried to keep her distance from Joey on the journey home, acting indifferent whenever they were together. She refused to let her heart feel any more pain than it already was feeling, and every time Joey touched her, it was imprinted indelibly upon her senses that Joey could never be hers no matter how much he claimed to love her.
Shanny had been feeling queasy the whole time they were on the train, what with its rocking and the clacking of wheels over the tracks. She spent most of her time in the birth, above the seat, and was thankful to finally put her foot on solid ground. Despite her attempt at independence, when she started to trip, Joey reached out and grabbed her arm. Their eyes locked for one brief moment, and then Shanny looked away and Joey released his hold on her.
“You brought our horses!” Shanny exclaimed when she saw Surefire and Tumbleweed tied to the back of the wagon.
She ran forward and threw her arms around her horse’s neck. Joey watched on, thinking she loved her horse more than she would ever love him. He thought Shanny would come to her senses when she discovered the deception Arnel had played. He thought she would realize that she could trust him more than any other man, but it hadn’t seemed to change her attitude toward him. There was only that brief time when she had been so depressed about Arnel and only allowed Joey to be close to her, considering he was the only one who knew her secret. After the family learned the truth about Arnel, she had turned from him again and shrank into herself, not wanting anything to do with him or anyone else in the family. She hadn’t even hugged Connor! All she cared about was her damn horse, he fumed to himself! Then he remembered how she had danced with him more than anyone else at her coming-out party. He knew it was because she didn’t trust men any longer, but he liked to believe it was because she enjoyed dancing with him.
“You look tired,” Callie mentioned to Connor as she climbed up in the wagon after it was loaded with their belongings.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Connor mumbled. “When you discover what has been happing while you were away, you will wish you never left!”
He glanced over his shoulder at Joey and Shanny, riding behind the wagon as he pulled away from the train station.
“Shanny seems unhappy,” he mentioned. “She didn’t even greet me. Was she upset you had to leave?”
“No. She was the one who suggested it. She had a bad experience with a young man she met. He had deceived her, terribly, and I think it will alter her trust of any man in her future.”
“Seems like events did not go so well for you either,” Connor observed.
“It is just as well. It gave us a good excuse to leave. My father wasn’t as ill as Mother made him out to be, and once we arrived, he seemed in the perfect picture of health! I was so worried about the ranch and all of you children, I couldn’t wait to come home. Only Shanny was supposed to have a coming-out party, and I didn’t want to disappoint her. It turned out she got disappointed for other reasons, so we left soon after her party.”
She had good reason to worry about the ranch, Connor thought, but instead, he gave her a crooked smile.
“I’ll fill you in on recent events on our way back to Texas. I’m glad you decided to return, so you can try and straighten everything out!”
Callie could see Connor was disturbed about something, so she waited patiently for Connor to explain what had happened while she and Chayton were away. As she listened, her heart began to sink. She wondered if she actually could straighten everything out? She knew it wasn’t Connor’s fault, that Cooper was dishonest, and that Ina got sick. She was happy to hear the girls were planning a double wedding, but like Connor, she wondered how having two extra members of the family was going to change things. And what about Carrabelle, she didn’t believe Connor was being totally open about how he felt concerning her. Every time he said her name, Callie noticed a strange look coming into his eyes. Once the girls got married, the house would be much too small to house them all. And what about Ina, should she be brought back to her home when she didn’t remember anyone who lived there? Or should she remain where she seemed content to have Hudson tending to her needs at the Circle P Ranch?
Chayton took everything in his stride. He believed that the Gods always knew what they were doing. Everything in life was a lesson to learn and grow from. Young people had to learn how to face hardships in life. To him, nothing was as bad as Connor pretended it was. Even though his life had been changed by the white man, he had found a way to adjust. The rest of the family would also have to learn to adjust to new situations in the same way.
Joey kept Tumbleweed alongside Surefire. Shanny was not looking well, and though she seemed to be happy to be on Surefire’s back, she still seemed listless and rode solemnly along as though it was just one more stint bringing her closer to home. The spark had left her eyes, and her teasing nature had disappeared. He wished she would steal his feather again, just to assure himself she was the same person she had b
een before they took the journey to Philadelphia. She seemed a shell of the happy person she used to be. She must have truly been in love with Arnel, he decided and was having a hard time forgetting him.
Shanny wanted to forget Arnel, but every time she tried, pictures of events in the gazebo resurfaced. She was torn between the remembrance of the pleasure and the shock of losing her virginity and then discovering Arnel was already married. Had Arnel actually loved her, she wouldn’t have cared about her virginity. She had to face the horror that he had just used her. He had planned it from the first moment he spoke to her on the train, she had to admit, grimly. He had a wife and was experienced in how to persuade a woman to let him touch her. He had used that experience to sway her, to seduce her, to spoil her for her future life. Maybe he had planned to marry her, and have two wives, never revealing the truth to her until it was too late. She wondered if it was already too late. She had suspicions she did not want to dwell on, but all she could do was dwell on them every time her stomach lurched.
She prayed that her suspicions were unfounded. She would just have to wait and see. If they turned out to be… she couldn’t bear to think of it. She would be shunned. Everyone, including her family, would turn their backs on her. Even Joey would turn away. Especially, Joey, she thought bitterly. He would never forgive her. She couldn’t forgive herself.
When they camped, Shanny chose to take her cot-roll a distance away from the rest of the family. Callie felt she needed time to herself still, so she didn’t say anything. Connor was too preoccupied with his own worries to notice, but Joey noticed. After the group settled down for the night, Joey went over and sat cross-legged next to Shanny, leaning up against the tree she had decided to use for shelter.
“Why are you upset at me?” he asked in a low voice. “I have not done anything to you. I have supported you and stood by you. I slugged that no-good womanizer for you, so why won’t you even talk to me, or look at me?”
“It has nothing to do with you, Joey,” Shanny murmured. “I just don’t want to talk about it or think about it. I don’t want you thinking you can fix things, cause you can’t.”
“You know I still love you, Shanny. Regardless of what Arnel made you believe about loving you and wanting to marry you, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
“That’s the problem, Joey! It should change the way you feel about me! I wanted to marry someone else, not you. You should have hated me for turning away from you that way when I knew you wanted to marry me.”
“Only you’re not going to marry him now. Do you still refuse to have me as a husband?”
“I can’t marry anyone, Joey. Not now. Not ever! I am sure you would make a great husband, but not my great husband. I don’t deserve a great husband like you.”
Joey knelt down beside Shanny, putting his hand on her shoulder.
“Of course, you deserve a great husband. I don’t claim I could ever be a great husband but I would be a loving husband, if you only allowed me to prove it to you.”
“I can’t let you do that Joey,” Shanny said, sitting up and finally looking at him. “You say that now, but after we were married you would change your mind about me. I don’t want to be the person who broke your heart.”
“You’re breaking my heart right now!” Joey insisted, giving her a little shake with the hand that was still on her shoulder. “You know we were meant to be together forever!”
There was a long silence, as they looked at each other.
“I know,” Shanny said quietly. “I should have admitted it a long time ago, but I didn’t, and now it is too late. I can’t let any man love me, Joey. Can’t you understand that? Not you. Not any man! So just go away and stop making it worse!”
“That’s not true,” Joey said angrily. “It is that you choose not to let any man love you! You get your heart broken and suddenly no one is good enough for you. You won’t let yourself trust love. You won’t let yourself trust me!”
Shanny stopped and realized Joey was right. She couldn’t trust him to love her once he found out the truth about what had transpired in that gazebo. She wouldn’t blame him, only she didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes when he discovered the truth. Therefore, she refused to put him in that position. The hurt in his eyes now was minimal to what it would be if she was ever honest with him. And even if she wasn’t honest, and allowed him to marry her anyway, he would know, and it would fester inside of him until that love he felt for her now, turned into repulsion. She repulsed herself, so she knew it would repulse Joey. They were so much alike. His pride would be wounded.
As she sat there, merely staring at him, her thoughts went back to the times Joey had kissed her and she had complained. If he ever kissed her again, she was afraid of what it would do to her.
As the thoughts found their way into her head, she was startled when Joey suddenly pulled her against him and captured her lips beneath his. She didn’t struggle like she had the first time he had kissed her. She didn’t kiss him back because she was afraid to. But she allowed herself to be consumed by his kiss, punishing herself for what she had thrown away because of Arnel.
“I will always love you, Shanny, no matter what,” Joey whispered against her lips. “Even if you never consent to marry me, remember, I will always love you.”
Then he rose to his feet and walked away, and Shanny sank back down into her cot-roll and began to sob. She had ruined her happiness with one unwise decision, and now she had to live with it.
By the time they reached the ranch, Shanny was feeling even worse. She had vomited twice on their trek back to the ranch, but she didn’t let anyone discover it. She hoped it was merely stress from everything that had happened, but something in the back of her mind told her she was just fooling herself. What would her mother do if she ended up carrying a bastard child? The thought frightened her. If that was the case, she would just wander away, and never return to the ranch again, she told herself. She couldn’t face her family and let them discover she had no ethics or modesty. She had wanted what Arnel had offered her, so it was just as much her fault as his, she admitted. If he had forced her, she could claim rape. Even if she lied and claimed it was rape, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. There was no good ending to her dilemma.
“Shanny!” Beth cried when she climbed down from Surefire. “I have so much to tell you! Come in the house and meat Taima!”
Shanny looked at Beth blankly at first, and then forced a smile.
“Taima?” She questioned.
“Connor brought some Comanche braves to help us on the ranch, and you will never believe; both Tommy and I are going to get married, each to a Comanche brave!”
“You are?”
Shanny blinked. Beth looked so happy. Then she remembered how happy she had felt when she thought Arnel was going to ask her to marry him.
“I am so happy for you,” she said.
“We’re having a double wedding, and I am so glad everyone is back, because we had to wait until Chayton returned, so they could properly ask his approval. They don’t have any horses to give Chayton for our hand in marriage, but they are excellent cattlemen! Wait until you hear how Konton saved two calves by hoisting them to safety above a flash flood!”
“I can’t wait,” Shanny lied.
All she wanted to do was go to her room. Everyone around her seemed happy, which only emphasized her own unhappiness.
“Ina lost her memory!” Beth continued. “She doesn’t remember any of us! She got a bad fever and Connor doesn’t know what to do. Hudson is watching over her. I am so glad you are all back. We have missed all of you, terribly!”
“Yes. I’m glad to be back,” Shanny mumbled. “I am just so tired. I haven’t been feeling well. I think I am catching something. I retched twice on our way out here.”
“I hope it isn’t catching,” Beth said, backing up. “I want to be perfectly healthy when my wedding day comes.”
“I am sure it is just stress, and that is why I
want to rest,” Shanny lied, and headed for the bathroom.
She was starting to feel sick again and felt a warm bath would make it all pass.
Joey stood at the base of the stairs and watched Shanny hurrying away from Beth and toward the bathroom. He hoped now that they were home she would slowly revert to that girl who had stolen his eagle feather before they took the trip to Philadelphia.
Connor got Konton and Taima to help bring the luggage up, and Carrabelle came in briefly to announce that dinner would be ready soon. She looked shyly at Connor, and then quickly turned back to the kitchen.
“Well,” Callie smiled, “it seems we have a new cook. That will give me a lot more time to catch up on my reading.”
She gave Connor a look of assurance, and he knew it meant she intended to keep Carrabelle there. He suddenly felt happy and was trying to figure it out.
“Shanny said she would eat her supper in her room,” Beth stated, as she came into the dining room, sitting down around the large table with everyone else. “She’s not feeling well, and just got out of the bath.”
“She seemed rather listless on our way out here,” Callie said. “She knew it was more than that and wondered how long it would take Shanny to get over the shock that Arnel had been married the whole time he had been courting her?”
“I’ll take a tray up to her,” Joey offered.
Callie had witnessed how Shanny had constantly tried to ignore Joey during the whole trip, but the love that shone in Joey’s eyes was clear to read. Shanny did not know when she was lucky, Callie thought. In time she would realize it, and eventually Joey could have his way, she predicted to herself.
Joey tapped on Shanny’s door. When she didn’t answer, he entered anyway. He found Shanny lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
Within the Heart Page 19