He’s above me again, gazing at me with pure adoration and exaltation in his pale green eyes. Moving my hands from his chest to his waist, I let my fingers dance along his happy trail right before I unbutton his jeans. He smirks a bit, surprised, and lifts up a bit on his hands as I drag his jeans downward. Suddenly, his face is near my stomach, and he kisses me from my abdomen up to my collarbone. His hands move along my ribcage, and one of them comes up to graze my breast. My heart slows and my breath hitches, but I don’t tell him to stop.
“Oops,” he says.
Giggling—from both anxiety and surprise—I bring one of my hands up to stroke the side of his face. My thumb stops at the stubble of his chin, and he reaches for my skirt. He could easily just reach underneath it and pull off my panties, but I get the feeling that that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to see me completely naked.
My stomach plummets to my feet as he grabs the elastic band of my skirt. He places a hand at the small of my back, lifting my lower half upward just a second before he drags my skirt down my thighs and throws it on the floor, where it joins his jeans and his t-shirt. My heart’s on overdrive the minute he grabs my thigh. His hand moves slowly, and every time Colin moves even a fraction of an inch, his eyes lock on mine. I can tell that he’s afraid. Afraid of hurting me, of scaring me, of causing me even the smallest ounce of pain. His touch is on my inner thigh now, and, panic-stricken, I glance up at him as I take a deep breath.
I close my eyes. I can’t help it. I squeeze them tightly shut, and words from earlier start replaying in my head.
I’m not a victim, I tell myself. I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor. I’m strong. I’m strong enough to do this. I’m a warrior. I’m a warrior.
Colin’s hand feathers my cheek, and I can feel his breath as it tickles my lips when he speaks. “Yes you are, Nickayla. You’re a warrior,” he whispers, his voice soft and soothing my aching heart. “You’re a warrior, and you’re so beautiful. You’re so beautiful and I love you. I’m so lucky to love you. I love you so much.” His voice breaks on the final word, and he takes a deep breath. “Open your eyes, baby. Look at me.”
I can’t. I’m afraid to open my eyes. The minute that I do, I’m not sure what I’m going to see, and that frightens me the most.
“Look at me, baby. I love you. Open your eyes.”
My eyes open one at a time, and when my brown eyes meet the green of his, I feel calmer, but not much. I can feel the love radiating off of his skin, but it does absolutely nothing to calm my nerves. Nothing at all.
“There she is,” Colin says, a small smile forming on his lips. “Are you okay?”
I nod. I am. If I’m honest with myself, I could be much worse.
“I just love you.” His words are like a mantra, something that I keep replaying in my head.
This man loves me. He loves me so much, more than I deserve, and he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I know this. And because I know this, I say it back. “I just love you.”
I my eyes close for a second as I take a deep breath and will myself to continue.
Colin’s mouth finds mine and he gives me the sweetest kiss. He doesn’t open his mouth, he doesn’t try to take it any further. His lips just rest against mine, and I know he’s doing this for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason is. I place my hand on his chest and bring the other around his back.
I’m ready. Aren’t I?
Colin pulls away, his hands slowly roaming down my body until he finds the hem of my panties. Bringing my hand up to my mouth, I try to stifle the startled cry that slips through my lips. I don’t want him to hear me. He grabs the elastic and pulls down, and they barely slip down to my thighs when tears sting my eyes and start streaming down my face.
I can’t do this. Dear God, I can’t do this. I’m openly sobbing into my palms now, not even caring about whether I’m making noise or not, and Colin halts, his head snapping up as alarm lights up his face.
“Stop,” I tell him.
And without a single moment’s hesitation, he does.
Twelve.
Colin begins tending to me immediately, leaping off the bed and grabbing my robe off the back of the bathroom door. He comes back and drapes it over my shoulders a mere second before he gathers me into his arms and drops to the floor. He crosses his legs and settles me in his lap. He cradles me as I bring my hands to my mouth. His hand guides my face toward his chest, and I sob against him, my shoulders shaking.
He rocks me, pressing kiss after kiss into my hair. He’s holding me tightly when he rests his chin atop my head and I hear his breath catch. After a few moments, one of his arms comes beneath my knees. The other gently pulls my hands away from my mouth and guides them to rest around his neck. Pulling his knees up, he uses the bed behind us to help him stand up.
Neither of us speaks as he carries me into the bathroom. He sets me down atop the closed lid of the toilet and I bring my knees up to my chest. Colin stares down at me, and I swear, I can see his heart breaking right now. He turns his back on me and walks over to the Jaccuzzi-style bathtub. He turns the water on and plug up the tub before he approaches me again.
I’m resting my chin atop my knees as I continue to cry, and Colin takes my face in his hands. “Baby, I’m going to take off the robe, okay?”
I’m purely catatonic right now, but I nod.
He stands up and, with a feather-light touch, he pulls the robe off of my shoulders. I start shaking immediately, and Colin averts his gaze. He walks over to the bathtub and then comes back over to me. He guides me off the toilet and forces me to stand up.
“Nickayla, sweetie, I need you to—um—take off your—your undergarments.”
I shake my head, my eyes widening. He walks forward and places his hand at the nape of my neck before he kisses my hair again.
“Baby,” he chokes out. “Baby, I need you to take them off. Please. I am so sorry.”
With jerky, hesitant movements, I slip my arms out of my bra straps a second before I reach behind me and unbuckle it. I push my panties down my thighs and let them fall to my ankles before I step out of them.
Sighing, Colin lifts me into his arms again, and then, boxers and all, he climbs into the bathtub. Sliding down, he nestles me between his legs as I continue to cry. I follow his hands as he leans forward and picks up my washcloth and my body wash. He holds his hands out in front of me so that I can watch while he dips the cloth into the warm water and squeezes gel into it.
“I’m going to wash you, okay?” he asks, but I know this isn’t a question of permission.
He’s going to do it anyway. I only sob harder at his words, because I know that he’s doing this out of guilt. He’s guilty over how hurt I am right now. He feels that if he washes me, he can wash all my pain away.
If only it were that simple.
I continue to cry as he runs the washcloth along my back, my arms, my shoulders, then brings it around as he washes my stomach. He stops when he realizes he should be washing my breasts, and when I don’t object, he finishes what he’s started. I relax a bit, leaning my back against his front. When he stops, he hands me the washcloth.
“Go ahead,” he says. I look back at him, and he’s averted his gaze.
I oblige immediately, standing up so that I can wash my more intimate parts. Once I’m done, I sit back down.
Colin leans over the side of the tub and grabs a pitcher. Placing it below the running water, he lets it fill up. “Lean your head back,” he orders.
I do as he says without question. He pours the water over my head, letting it run over my long hair. He fills the pitcher up once more and repeats the previous action. Leaning over me, he grabs my CHI shampoo and squeezes some into his open palm. Rubbing his hands together, the applies the shampoo to my scalp. His long, deft fingers work the product into my hair, massaging my scalp. I close my eyes, stunned by the fact that I’m still crying, and the romanticism behind what he’s doing.
I can feel the t
ension, the pain, and the guilt rolling off of him, because he makes every single movement, no matter how minute, wordlessly. Both of our hearts are taking a brutal fucking beating right now, and it’ll be a miracle if we can ever get past this hurtle in our relationship.
I don’t know how I’m going to move past what I’ve been through, and what’s worse is I don’t know if it’s even possible. All I know is that I love Colin, and he loves me, and somehow we’ve got to find a way to fix all of this. I just have no clue where we’d even begin.
That thought alone makes all of this hurt even more.
He continues to rub my head, and I lean it against his shoulder. He doesn’t stop, moving his hands so that he can massage my temples. After a few minutes, he rinses the shampoo out and puts conditioner in my hair. He rinses it out and then stands up.
Climbing out of the tub, he grabs one of the resort towels. I stand up, stepping out of the bathtub after him. He averts his eyes as he holds the towel open in his outstretched arms and I walk straight into them. He wraps the towel around me and guides me back into the bedroom.
I sit on our bed, holding the towel closed.
I watch in stunned silence as Colin grabs me a pair of sweat pants and one of his oversized t-shirts. He pulls out a sports bra and a pair of my underwear, setting them on the bed beside me.
“Get dressed.”
With those words, he walks back into the bathroom, and I hear the shower running.
Silently, I put my clothes on, but I swap the t-shirt for a tank top. I brush out my hair and put some leave-in conditioner and grease in it before I make my way into the kitchen.
I sit in the kitchen alone, the tears having finally stopped falling from my eyes, for about thirty minutes in silence.
Colin emerges, from the bedroom, his hair dripping wet. He’s wearing a wifebeater and a pair of baggy sweats. When he looks at me, I can tell that he’s still upset over what’s happened. He leans against the counter, arms folded as he stares at me continuously.
“D’you want some tea?” he asks. When I nod, he grabs my favorite mug out of the cabinet. Pulling the teapot from down below, he fills it with water and sets it atop the stove. “What kind?”
Clearing my throat, I look up at my boyfriend and sigh. “Twinings green. The mint one.”
Nodding, he grabs a tea bag out of the box and sets it in my mug. He sits down at the table across from me as I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them.
Then he rests his elbows on the table and buries his face in his hands.
…
The whistle of the tea kettle tells us that the water is finished boiling, and Colin leaps out of his chair. He tips it over and pours the hot water into the mug. I wordlessly watch as he adds one teaspoon of milk and two of sugar. Leaving the spoon in the mug, he brings it over and sets it in front of me.
He takes his seat once more, leaning forward on his elbows. I blow on my tea before I take a sip, closing my eyes as I revel in the taste. I’m waiting for him to say something, anything.
“Nickayla, I’m so sorry,” Colin says, finally.
Somehow, I knew that was the first thing he was going to say. Shaking my head, I set the tea down.
“It’s okay,” I reply.
He bangs his closed fist atop the table, and I jump, startled.
“Jesus Christ, Nickayla! Don’t say that. Don’t say that it’s okay. It’s fucking not.” The veins in his neck pop out and his entire face shakes with the extent of how upset he is right now.
My lower lip quivers and I bite it, trying my hardest to keep the tears at bay. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’ve had more than enough of that so far today. I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend about what just happened without being a sobbing mess.
“It is okay. It’s not your fault that I freaked out.”
I’m proud that I was able to get that sentence out without crying.
Colin’s expression softens. “Nickayla, sweetie, you didn’t freak out. You were afraid. There’s a difference.” He says this with so much conviction, I feel like I have to believe him. “You were raped, Nickayla. The reaction you had was completely normal.”
Averting my gaze, I look down at my hands, which are now resting on the tabletop. This time, I can’t stop the tears from falling. “Maybe I don’t want that to be my ‘normal’ anymore,” I whisper.
Colin stands, pushing his chair across the kitchen so that it’s right beside mine. He sits in it, grabbing both my hands from the table and holding them in his. He pulls them up to his mouth and kisses them, then lets them fall into my lap. “Baby, unfortunately, stuff like this doesn’t have an expiration date. You’re going to have to give yourself time.”
That’s exactly what I was afraid of. It’s been almost two years now. How much more time do I have to give myself? I’ve told my family, told my friends. I’ve forgiven Kyle. What more do I need to be able to move on from this? All that I want is to be able to make love to my boyfriend and not be afraid of his touch every Goddamn time.
“I thought after Support Day I would be fine.” I glance up at him to find him glaring at me. “I’m sorry.”
He leans forward and gathers me into his arms, holding me tightly. “No, Nickayla. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I scared you.” I attempt to pull back and object, but he holds me even tighter. “You were scared shitless, baby. I touched you and you sobbed. For God knows how long.” He pauses, giving a strained chuckle. “I guess this is a step up from last time. At least you’re talking to me.”
I’m about to say something when we hear keys jingling in the door. Colin pulls away and looks at me questioningly. I shrug, because I honestly don’t know who it could be.
The only people besides us who have keys to the apartment are Keaton, Suze, and Michele. Suze is with Keaton over an hour away, and Michie is at her dad’s for the weekend in L.A. So who could it be?
The door jerks open and Mads walks in. At the sight of us, she gives a tight-lipped smile, stuffing the keys in her pocket.
Colin turns around in his chair, and a scowl forms on his face. “How did you get a key to our apartment?” he asks her.
She shrugs. “I asked Suze for hers when she left,” she replies, as though it’s fucking normal to have a key to her ex-boyfriend’s place with his new girlfriend.
He stands up, stalking over to her and holding his hand out. He looks pissed.
“Give me the key. You don’t have a right to come and go from this apartment like you live here.”
Madilyn’s eyes snap over to my face, and she reaches into her pocket and drops the key into Colin’s open palm. “Geez, I didn’t think it was that big a deal.”
Colin stuffs the key into the pocket of his sweats and resumes his place beside me. He takes my hand again, holding it against his leg. “It is a big deal. You’re a visitor. You don’t live here.” He pauses, looking over at me. “I need you to find somewhere to go for the next few hours. I need to spend some time alone with my girlfriend.”
For the first time since I met her, Madilyn looks completely stunned. This is the first time that he’s been anything less than nice to her since last year. He’s treated her like Queen Elizabeth since she arrived, but the way he’s talking to her now and the tone of his voice is a shock to even me.
“Why? What happened?” she asks.
I cannot believe she even has the nerve to ask that question. She’s a guest in the house. Neither of us needs to explain anything to her, and I want to slap her for thinking that’s the way that it should be.
“None of your Goddamn business. I asked you to leave, and I expect you to,” he snaps. Colin stands up, positioning himself in front of me and shielding me from view.
Everything’s silent for a long time, and I’m left wishing that Colin weren’t standing directly in my line of sight just so that I can see Madilyn’s facial expression right now. I’m sure her mouth’s wide open, and that’s a sight I’d kill to see. Despite that, I can honestly say I’m sur
prised that Colin’s making her leave instead of just banishing her to another room. It’s clear that what’s transpired between us had an effect on him, because he’s acting completely out of character. In a way, though, I like it, because after earlier, I really need to be alone with him and not have to worry about his ex hanging around.
Madilyn coughs. “Fine. God. Who the Hell pissed in your coffee this morning?”
“Goodbye, Madilyn.” His voice is tense and cold the last time he speaks to her.
I don’t get to see her leave, but I hear the door slam, and I watch as Colin visibly relaxes. He turns around and gives me a smile right before he sits back down. I let my knees down and cross my legs, feeling a little bit more comfortable now that Madilyn is gone.
“Thank you for telling her to leave,” I said.
Colin shakes his head and shrugs. “Don’t thank me. She doesn’t need to be here right now.” He pauses. “Thank you for telling me to stop.”
I nod, and Colin pulls me out of my seat, dragging me over to the couch. He plops down and drags me down with him. I climb over him so I’m against the back of the couch, and he tucks me into his side. He presses a gentle kiss into my hair, and then sighs deeply.
“I love you so much Nickayla. You’re beautiful and strong…and you’re so fearless. But you’re not ready,” he tells me. “So for now, I’m taking anything further than second base off the table.” I start to protest, but he presses his index finger to my lips. “You need time. And you need to think about what you want. You were afraid of me. It was written all over your face. I never want to see that look on your face again. You have to think about yourself, and stop thinking about me. Stop thinking that you have to do this, or that you need to give yourself to me, or that I need to have sex with you to be close to you. I don’t need that. And I damn sure don’t want it.”
I sit up, feeling like I’ve just been slapped in the face.
“Oh, so you don’t want to do that? That’s what this is about?” I ask, not able to conceal the pain behind my voice.
Colin sits up with me, grabbing a stray curl of mine and pushing it away from my face. “Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like I’m rejecting you, because I’m not.” He pauses, placing a kiss on my shoulder. “You think you’re the only one who’s afraid? You’re not. I’m afraid, too. You’re afraid to be hurt and betrayed again like you were with Kyle. And I’m afraid of seeing that look in your eyes again, like I’m a monster who doesn’t know what boundaries are, or what ‘no’ means. I’m afraid of hurting you so badly that I do irreparable damage to you, and to us.” I nod, and Colin pulls me back down so that my face is pressed against his chest. “I’m not saying never, baby. I’m saying not now. Okay?”
Almost Everything (Nickayla Quinn Trilogy Book 2) Page 11