Colin lies me on the couch, then climb on top of me, straddling my hips as he props his upper body up with his flat palms on either side of my head. “I beg to differ. You’ll never be lonely, because I’ll be Team Nickayla until the day I die.”
…
“You know, it’s not yet cold enough to have pozole. I can't believe you're making me cook this,” I say, stirring the red chile sauce in the pot. I dip the spoon in the juice and lift some out, presenting it to Colin. “Tell me what this needs, yeah? I feel like it’s missing something.”
Colin leans forward, taking the wooden spoon from me. He blows on the steaming liquid and then smiled at me. “That’s what you get for introducing your white boyfriend to cultural food. I could eat this shit every day for the rest of my life if you let me.” He brings the spoon up to his mouth and sips the liquid as he closes his eyes. His lips press into a firm, thin line for a second, and then his eyes snap open. “It just needs like a dash of salt.”
I nod, grabbing the salt shaker off of the table and shaking it until there’s a small mound of salt sitting in my open palm. I hold my hand out to Colin and shrug. He pinches some of the salt between four of his fingers before sprinkling it over the boiling soup. I stir it a bit, and then stick the spoon back in, but Colin grabs my wrist and pulls my hand backward. “Leave it. Let all the natural flavors from the meat mix in with your chile and the seasoning, and taste it later.”
“’Kay,” I say, figuring that he knows what he’s talking about.
Covering the pot with its lid, I set the spoon on the stove and make my way over to the table and taking a seat. It’s been a while since we’ve sat and eaten together, so I’ve every intention of taking advantage of this time with my boyfriend. Colin is about to take his place across from me t the table, when suddenly I remember something and slam my hand on the tabletop.
“Oh, my God!” I exclaim, recalling what happened at school the day before in my Senior Planning Board class. Our prom tickets arrived, and I was able to bring home mine, Colin’s, Nomi’s, and Michie’s tickets. It was the best feeling in the world to know that Colin didn’t have to pay for them this time. Instead, I earned them for the both of us.
“What? Is everything okay?” Colin asks, his forehead creasing.
“Our prom tickets came in yesterday! And they are so cute, babe.” I start grinning like a fool, and then I clap multiple times in a row. “Can you bring me my purse? That’s where I put them.”
He nods, walking into the living room.
I’m anxious to show them to him so that he can see the prom theme and pick his tuxedo accordingly. After last year, I know that he likely has something amazing planned for my birthday, and subsequently, prom night. I can’t wait to see what he has up his sleeve. I wait excitedly at the kitchen table for Colin to return to the kitchen, nearly bouncing out of my chair.
Finally I hear his footsteps inch closer to the kitchen, and he walks in slowly, not looking as happy as I expected him to. Instead, his head is bowed and he has something in his hand that he seems intently focused on. When he finally makes his way into the kitchen, I’m surprised to see that he’s holding my birth control pill case. I smile at him, thankful that he’s found it, because I haven’t taken my pill today yet.
“Thanks,” I tell him, reaching for the case. He hands it over, but when his gaze meets mine, I notice that he’s frowning. “What’s the matter?”
His frown deepens, and he plops himself down in the seat across from me. “Why are you taking birth control?” he asks, not bothering to sugarcoat his question a single bit.
“How did you find my birth control in the first place?”
He shakes his head, like he thinks I’m accusing him of being nosy and digging through my things. “I grabbed your purse wrong and everything came toppling out. I just happened to see it.” He sighs, running his hands through his hair. “Why are you taking it? I’m not…I’m just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Of course I want to. I don’t keep secrets from Colin. Not anymore, at least. I shrug. I didn’t think I would ever have to explain this situation to anyone but Hanna, because she was the one who took me to get on it. She didn’t know the details then, but she knows them now, and she’s even more proud of me for making the decision to get on birth control now that she does know.
“It’s no big deal really,” I say, exhaling deeply. “After I was raped, I didn’t get my period for a few months. I was throwing up constantly and couldn’t keep anything down. I was all over the place mentally.” Colin’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t say much of anything. “I thought I was pregnant. And that scared the shit out of me. So I called Hanna and I asked her to buy me a pregnancy test. She bought me five. I took them all and they all produced negative results, but just to be sure, she took me to Planned Parenthood. I wasn’t pregnant. I was just mentally and physically so stressed and anxious about everything that happened to me, my period just…stopped. And the nausea was yet another result of that stress. So my doctor put me on something to control the nausea, and I was prescribed birth control.” I pause. “At first, I took it just to get my period back on track. But I never got off of it in case…”
“In case someone were to hurt you again,” he finishes, his voice firm but shaky at the same time, and I’m a little confused as to how that’s possible.
For the first time since I came home this morning, I can’t look at him. I wish that this subject had never come up in a way, because every time I think I’m ready to move on from what happened to me, something happens to bring all of my anxiety and shit back to the surface.
“Yeah. Just in case.”
Suddenly, I can’t breathe. I’ve no way of knowing what Colin’s going to say next. And I’m afraid of what his next statement or question is going to be.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks, and I groan internally. Whenever he leads with that, it’s usually a loaded question.
“Sure,” I say, but my voice is incredibly small. I’m still holding my breath.
We’re both quiet for a long time, merely staring at each other. I’m not sure where this conversation is headed, and that makes me incredibly nervous. Colin has a way of surprising me at every turn, but this is one instance where I hope that he doesn’t.
“What would have happened if you were pregnant?”
At his question, my heart pretty much stops. That’s the one question I was hoping that he wouldn’t ask. But I have to answer. Because we’ve aways vowed to be completely honest with each other, no matter what.
“The angry part of me, the part of me that was--and still is--broken, says that I likely would have had an abortion. But the part of me that’s healed knows that love is the answer, not hate, and if I’d been pregnant, maybe I would have made the opposite decision,” I admit. “But. But, that didn’t happen, and I’m relieved for it, because I was a mess then. Mentally, physically, I was just all over the place. Shit, in a lot of ways, I still am. And as hard as I try to hide it, I know that I’m still broken. Because of that, having a child as a result of rape is a reality I refuse to embrace, even in my imagination. The reality I want to embrace is one where that happens when I’m hopelessly in love, and married, and able to take care of myself, and pain isn’t the only thing I’m feeling. The reality I want to embrace is the one where I’m with you until the end of time. Not the one where Kyle’s ghost follows me every step of the way for the rest of my life.”
Colin nods once, and then he’s on his feet, walking over to me and placing a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes, a bit relieved to have gotten all of that off my chest. It’s not like I was purposely hiding it from him or something, but I wasn’t necessarily advertising my past either. The simple kiss to my forehead gives me reassurance that he understands what I’ve gone through, and—I’m hoping—it also means that he’s done asking questions. For now.
“I appreciate you being honest with me, Nickayla. I know it couldn’t have been ea
sy,” Colin whispers, taking a seat atop the table.
“It wasn’t, but I’ll always tell you the truth when you ask for it. I don’t have anything to hide.”
He grins. “Just so you know, I am hopelessly in love with you, pretty girl. And our reality is the one where we’ll be together until the end of time. I promise you that.”
I smile at that, because that’s exactly what I need to hear right now.
Even though I’m not sure how long this good patch is going to last, given our recent history, I’m glad that I have my Colin back, even if it’s only for a little while.
Seventeen.
“You know, Nic, I don’t understand why you couldn’t do this with Michele,” Brody groans, carrying all my bags through the mall.
He’s been trudging behind me for two hours, grumbling and groaning about the fact that he could be at home scarfing down Chinese food instead of being my personal bag boy, but even so, he hasn’t specifically requested to leave, so I’m going to keep him for as long as possible.
It’s Friday, which means it’s officially the beginning of spring break. Back in December, Mich, Brody, Colin, Nikky, Sarah, and I decided we wanted to do a couples’ retreat out at Nonna’s cabin in Big Bear. Hayden made arrangements to come down for the week with Sky—who he had to bribe with a trip to Disneyland—and at the time, Brody was just going to bring Nomi, as a way to continue to include her in our activities. Now that Nomi has Trey in her life, Brody’s left dateless.
I have him with me now though so that maybe I can convince him to bring Sabrina.
“I couldn’t do this with Michele because she’s busy prepping for her week with Hayden and Skylar.” Brody stops short, and I wince, unsure of how to proceed after my comment. “I’m sorry, B. I know that’s a touchy subject.”
His eyes crinkle in the corners, and then he continues walking. He shrugs a bit, but he doesn’t look at me.
“It’s all good, Nic. No harm, no foul.” He hoists one of my bags over his shoulder. “I mean, I’m not over it. Not really. But I’ve come to accept it I guess. Plus, thanks to Mich choosing Hayden over me, I get to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to properly apologize to Sabrina for calling her a bitch.”
At the mention of Sabrina, my eyebrows raise. I’m glad that he’s bringing her up because now I can go in for the kill. I can see how much he’s changed since last summer. For one thing, in the past, getting him to talk about a girl was like pulling teeth. And another, the only girls he would ever mention in my presence were Michele and his little sister Dalis.
Today, I’m seeing a whole new Brody, and I love it.
“Have you gone to apologize yet?” I ask him.
His gaze darts to mine and then away in nearly the same instant. He shoves his hands in his jean pockets and continues to walk like he didn’t just tell me everything I needed to know with that telltale glance. Sucker.
“Yeah,” he says, answering too hastily for my liking. “Yeah, I have. And she accepted, but I still feel like shit about it all. There’s no reason to call any girl a bitch. None. That’s why I—.” He stops, and then looks around for a distraction. “Why don’t we go over to Wetzel’s Pretzels?”
He starts walking toward the Wetzel’s Pretzels stand, and I grab his shoulder. “B. What were you going to say?” He shakes his head. “No. No, no, no, no, no. Tell me! What were you going to say?”
He groans, and then gives me an exasperated sigh.
See? Pulling teeth.
“I’ve been going to see her after her shift ends every day.”
Clapping at hearing this new—and classified—information, I squeal a bit. “You like her!” I point at him, taunting.
He rolls his eyes and completely stops walking, sitting down at one of the benches. He buries his head in his hands and groans again, louder this time. “I feel bad for what I said to her, okay? That’s all.” He pauses. “And maybe I enjoy her company a little bit.”
He’s being incredibly defensive, and that tells me he feels a little more than he’s letting on.
“You think she’s hot?” I ask. I’m always eager to know more.
“No.” His voice is soft, but not menacing or secretive like usual. More like he’s…shy? “I think she’s beautiful. And I hate what I said to her. If some guy called Dalis a bitch I’d pummel his ass into the ground.” Pausing, he averts his gaze. "Maybe I like her a little bit."
He looks a bit frustrated, and I can’t help but wonder what’s going on in his head. He’s not normally so open with his emotions, so I’m going to try and take advantage of this for as long as I possibly can.
“Have you asked her to prom yet?”
He raises his head and gazes at me. He hasn’t even considered the prom thing. It’s okay. I know that with Brody, baby steps have to be taken. When it comes to relationships and opening himself up to someone that he doesn’t know, he’ll keep that guard up forever if he has to, just to ensure that he doesn’t get hurt.
He doesn’t even answer me, so I reach into my pocket for my cell phone and pull it out. I scroll for Sabrina’s number, which I got the day after she first met Brody, and I start composing a text message to her.
Me: Can you meet me at the Harlow Galleria? Someone wants to talk to you.
Brody leans over my shoulder and tries to see what I'm doing and I turn away from him so that he can't see when Sabrina responds to my text.
Sabrina Matteo: Sure. Be there in ten.
"Nickayla. Nickayla, what are you doing?" he asks, trying to maneuver around me.
I giggle, racing him to Wetzel's Pretzels. "Sabrina's on her way, and you're going to invite her to Big Bear."
His entire face blanches and he shakes his head.
His demeanor reads that he’s a bit upset with me, but he doesn’t say so. And he won’t. It’s not like him to say so.
“I can’t believe you did that,” he whispers, and I hear something beneath his initial panic. “What if she says no?”
And there it is. His fear of rejection. I won’t say his fear is irrational, because it’s not. Brody’s the only guy I know who’s insecure, but it’s within reason.
After his mom got sick and passed away and his father slipped into alcoholism, that’s where it started. Then his dad got all in his head and convinced him that he’d never be good enough to deserve love. That’s where the indecisive tendencies regarding Michele and Belinda came in. And then last summer’s debacle with Hayden and Michele just seared that fear into his brain.
Upon meeting Sabrina Matteo for the first time, I got the distinct feeling that she could be the one girl in the world to knock that fear out of him.
“She won’t say no. You’re irresistible, Brody,” I tell him, ordering a cinnamon pretzel with cream cheese icing on the side and a regular pretzel for Brody. “You’ll be fine.”
Paying for our snacks, I reach in my pocket when I feel my cell phone vibrate. Sabrina’s picture comes up immediately, and I answer, smiling at my best friend. “Hey, Bree.”
I hear her sigh on the other end, but I also hear incessant chatter and music. “Hey. I’m here. Where are you?”
“Wetzel’s Pretzels.”
Five minutes later, she’s strolling over to us, her long midnight colored hair draping down her shoulders. She’s wearing some form-fitting jeans and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, with black Vans. She swears an easy grin, and it only grows wider when she realizes that Brody’s with me. Brody stands up to greet her and he takes her hand gently. He gives me a look that tells me he needs some privacy, so I wave him off. When he leads Sabrina away, his arm comes up to casually wrap around her waist, and she leans in to his body. I watch them as he walks over to a store, but doesn’t go in. Instead, he props himself against a wall, leaning back and crossing his legs at the ankles. Sabrina stands at a distance from him, but she looks intrigued by whatever he’s saying. They talk for a long time, and without warning, he reaches for her hip and slowly guides her toward him. Once they�
��re mere inches apart, Sabrina wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face in his shirt. One of his hands comes up to stroke her hair, and I see the faintest smile spread across her lips. They hold each other that way for a long time, and I eat my pretzel, intrigued.
It’s odd seeing him with a girl who’s not Michie, but not in a bad way. He seems so taken with Sabrina, and I’m happy that he’s found someone who’s peaked his interest. I can tell by the way he’s reacting to her, by the way that he holds her like he’s protecting her from something, that this isn’t some fling like the ones he used to have with Belinda. And he’s looking at her the way he used to look at Michie.
Sabrina pulls away from him, and she looks up at the same exact moment as he plants a kiss on her forehead. He takes her hand and I watch as he intimately twines their fingers together. They approach me again, and I immediately start worrying over my pretzel, trying to act like I wasn’t watching their intimate exchange.
Brody grabs a chair for Sabrina from a nearby table, and he waits until she sits down before he pushes it in for her. He sits down beside her and tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear before his hand drops to her thigh and their fingers interlock once more.
“Hey, you two,” I say, grinning.
Sabrina flushes, then leans forward. “So. Big Bear? Who’s going?”
My gaze flashes to Brody and he shrugs, like he doesn’t mind whether I tell her or not. She’s new around here, and he seems to like her. More than that, she seems to make him happy and pull him out of this funk he’s been in, so I’m all for whatever relationship they’ve got going on.
“My boyfriend, my sister Naomi and her boyfriend, my brother Nikkolas and his girlfriend, and Michele and her boyfriend,” I tell her. “My Nonna’s Big Bear house has six bedrooms, which is perfect for us this trip. We leave out Saturday morning. You and B can ride up with Colin and me. We’ll be staying until the following Sunday morning so we can be back in time for my mom’s Sunday dinner, if you want to come to that, too.”
Almost Everything (Nickayla Quinn Trilogy Book 2) Page 15