My voice cracked and it made me sound weak.
I wanted to know what I’d done for her to just up and leave four years ago. I really felt like I deserved some kind of explanation. As soon as the question left my mouth, I regretted it. I never wanted her to know how badly she’d hurt me—never. Thankfully, she thought I was talking about her slapping me.
“I seriously doubt my hand hurt you that bad. I’m sure you’ve been hit worse than that before,” she said.
I had been. One of the worst hits I’d ever taken had been by one of my best friends, and he’d died in an accident that same night. Her making me think about Reynolds upset me worse than her hitting me. I felt my arms tighten around her and all the playfulness left me.
“Don’t hit people. You never know if they might hit you back,” I said as I released her suddenly.
She grabbed the counter behind her and had the nerve to look like I’d hurt her feelings.
“I know I never really knew you, Finn, but I find it hard to believe that you’d ever hit a woman.”
And just like that, I was more pissed off than I’d ever been in my life. How could she say she never knew me? She knew me better than anyone else in my life ever did or ever would. I wanted to turn and put my fist through anything that wouldn’t feel it. I wanted to release my anger on anything but the girl in front of me.
I settled for a big expensive vase on the top of the breakfast table behind me. It crashed to the floor. Bits and pieces of blue glass shattered everywhere and sounded like raindrops on the expensive tile flooring.
Faith looked at me like I was a monster, and that was just fine by me. Let her think what she wanted to think. I turned and walked away before I did anything I truly regretted. I wanted to hurt her the way she’d hurt me, but emotionally only. She was right about one thing; I’d never lay a hand on a woman. No matter how badly she’d ripped my heart out and or how badly she’d changed me for the worse.
I couldn’t go back there. It was obvious that Finn wasn’t stable and I couldn’t handle him. I was too sensitive to anything that involved him. I couldn’t deny that anymore. I still had feelings for Finn. I was pretty sure they’d never gone away, but the minute I found myself sitting his closet to study, I knew I was going down the wrong road.
The closet smelled familiar to me. It smelled of a time long ago when I’d spent stress-free nights with Finn. Only after sitting in there with the lights on and a book in my face did I realize it was his cologne that was so familiar to me.
He wasn’t the boy I’d once thought he was, though. I’d been fooled, and I swore that I’d never be fooled again. Having him treat me so badly wasn’t something I was willing to put up with—ever.
He didn’t have any right. I understood that I left him first, but he moved on without me entirely too fast. That made it more than clear that he never really cared about me and that letter—the letter that ripped out my heart and destroyed it, I could never get over it. As a matter of fact, it was still tucked away in my old journal. I’d filled that particular journal with all the things I’d longed to say to Finn. I’d recently pulled out that journal in particular to remind me of anything I might’ve forgotten.
I’d almost quit altogether, but when Mrs. Cooper called to check on me, I had to go in. Not to mention the lack of groceries in the apartment was a big kick in the butt, too. But I had to find something else and I had to find it fast. Continuing to work for Finn wasn’t a good idea anymore.
I made up my mind the next morning that Finn wasn’t going to scare me away. I had no choice but to continue to clean until I found something else. I was taking adult education classes at night so that was going to make things a bit more difficult, but I could do it. If I’d learned one thing about myself over the last four years, it was that I could do anything as long as I worked hard enough.
When I got to the condo, no one was there. I let out the breath I’d been holding, then made my way to the bedrooms. I wanted to be done with those before anyone came back. The first room I came to was Zeke’s. I stepped up to his door, ready to push it open, when through the crack, I heard soft panting noises.
I should’ve backed away. I should’ve gone back into another part of the house and cleaned until the back of the condo was empty, but I didn’t. Instead, I peeked in through the crack. It was Zeke and his girlfriend Patience. They were completely covered, thank God, but he was on top of her, looking into her eyes as if she were the only thing holding him on Earth.
It was mesmerizing. He whispered sweet words of love to her as he slowly moved his body against hers. Their kisses were sweet, and again, it made me long for the affection I was missing in my life. I was tired of being alone and shouldering all the responsibilities. I wanted a partner in life—someone who could hold me on the nights when I felt like everything was falling apart and tell me that I was going to be okay—that Jimmy was going to be okay.
I backed away from their door slowly, ready to turn and go back into the kitchen to clean. Instead, I walked straight into Finn. He looked past me into the crack in the door and then looked back down at me with a knowing smirk.
My face lit up with a deep blush. I could hardly believe that I’d been caught watching a couple make love.
I tried to move around him quietly so I didn’t interrupt Zeke and Patience, but Finn caught me around the waist and turned me back around to face the door. His arms locked around me the way they had the day before and then I felt his hot breath against my ear.
“So you’re into voyeurism now?” he whispered.
Chills broke out across my body.
I tried again to get away, but he was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t move. The fear of Zeke and Patience seeing us standing in their doorway watching was too much. I didn’t want to say anything to him. I didn’t want to make any noise at all. I just wanted him to let me go so I could be out of the embarrassing situation.
“Let me ask you something, Faith. What do you see in there?” His lips brushed my ear. “Are you into Zeke now? Because if so, let me go ahead and squash your fantasies now. He wouldn’t touch you.” He was still whispering, but it sounded so loud to me that I was positive Zeke and Patience would hear it, too.
The noises from their room were starting to get louder, and instinctively, I pressed back away from the doorway, but all that did was press me harder up against Finn. He hissed softly in my ear and cursed under his breath.
Everything was so quiet that I could still hear the things that Zeke and Patience were saying to each other.
“I love you so much, baby. God, you feel so good,” Patience was saying to Zeke. “Please. Please don’t stop.” She moaned louder.
Again, I pressed myself back. I wanted to run. I wanted to be anywhere in that moment but where I was.
My eyes locked onto Zeke’s tattooed back as the covers slid down around his waist. Patience dug her nails into his back so hard that I was sure he would bleed. Instead of yelling, he kept telling her how beautiful she was and how he couldn’t live without her. It was the most disturbing yet most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
“Tell me, Faith. What do you see?” Finn whispered in my ear again.
I felt his words all over. My knees were getting weaker by the second. My stomach dug into his arm as my body slowly melted.
Finally, he released me enough that I could move. I turned in his arms and looked up at him. I was so mad that he was making me watch them. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to see people engage in something that I’d never know. I’d probably never feel a man’s touch again, and I’d probably never hear someone call me beautiful or tell me they loved me. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hit him again.
Instead, I pushed him back away from me. He moved out of my way and grinned down at me like he’d been playing a joke.
“I see love,” I said. “Something you know nothing about.”
His face dropped and he attempted to say something, but instead of waiting to li
sten, I walked away. He didn’t follow and I was glad. I wanted to be rid of him. I couldn’t get into the kitchen fast enough, and once I was in there, I cleaned the fastest I ever had. Once I was done with the place, I left as quickly as I could.
I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and grabbed some essentials. A few of the people I worked with were happy to see me and kept telling me how great I looked. They were just being nice since I knew my stress level had only gotten worse since I’d taken on my new job.
When I got home, Jimmy was jumping on the couch and singing loudly.
“Baby boy, get off the couch and quiet down some. The people next door are going to start complaining.” He jumped down from the couch and into my arms. “Where’s Grandma?” I asked.
“I dunno!” he sang playfully.
Worry set in. I set Jimmy down and started searching through the apartment.
“Mom?” I called loudly. “Mom, where are you?”
I went to her room and pushed the door open. She was nowhere to be seen. I started to panic. She would never leave Jimmy alone. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.
When I got to the bathroom, I tried to push on the door, but it wouldn’t budge. Something was keeping the door from opening all the way. I pushed harder and when I did, I saw my mom’s leg.
“Mom! Oh my God! Mom!”
I ran into the living room and picked up the cheap flip phone that Mom and I shared. I called 9-1-1 and screamed my address into the phone. Jimmy sat on the couch in front of me and started to cry.
“It’s okay, baby. Everything’s okay. Just sit there and be a good boy for Mommy.”
Ten minutes later, the fire department and an ambulance showed up at our apartment. They were able to get into the bathroom and get Mom up on a stretcher.
Jimmy and I followed behind the ambulance to the local hospital. We sat in the waiting room until we were allowed to go back and see her. Apparently, she’d had another stroke. When we got into her room, I was shocked to see my father sitting next to her bed.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, disgusted.
I hadn’t seen him in forever, and I couldn’t think of a single time when he’d seen Jimmy.
“I’m still the first person on her contact list. They called me and I came straight here.” He reached down and cupped her hand.
He looked older. The little bit of hair he did have was gone completely and there were new wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. He looked down at Jimmy and gave him his fake preacher smile.
“I was just leaving,” he said as he stood.
He walked right by us and left without saying good-bye. It hurt that he barely acknowledged my son, or me for that matter. It was amazing how easily he’d given up his family. As a mother, I couldn’t understand it. There was nothing in the world that would make me disown Jimmy—nothing.
I sat by Mom’s side. Jimmy ate some vending machine food and fell asleep in the chair on the other side of Mom’s bed. When she finally woke up, I called a nurse in and she examined her. Her blood pressure was way too high and the doctors were concerned that she might have another stroke.
The following morning, I called in to Mrs. Cooper to let her know that I wouldn’t be making it to work. I explained what had happened to my mom and she said she’d take care of it.
After running some tests, the doctor determined that Mom would have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks.
“I’m so sorry, Faith.” Mom apologized when we found out she wasn’t going to be released soon. “Who else are you going to get to watch Jimmy so you can work?”
“Mom, do not apologize to me. Don’t you worry about Jimmy. I’ll take care of everything. You just get better,” I said as I held her hand.
I was happy that Mom and I had a decent mother-daughter relationship. I hadn’t had that since I was younger and I missed it.
When I left the hospital, I sat in my car and gathered my thoughts. I had to figure out what to do with Jimmy while I went to work. Missing an entire week, or however long it took for Mom to get released, wasn’t something I could do. I wasn’t even sure Mom would be able to watch him anymore. I couldn’t take the chance of something else happening to her and Jimmy being left alone again.
I called around to daycares, but the prices were insane. I’d have to pay them half of what I made a week for him to stay there. The only way I was going to make this work was to get a second job. So the following day, while I was at one of the daycares applying for Jimmy to get a spot, I also applied for a job.
The daycare director hired me as soon as I turned in the application, and thankfully, my hours were eight to two Monday through Friday. That gave me enough time to go to the condo after the daycare and clean. Mrs. Karen, the daycare director, said it would be perfectly fine for Jimmy to stay at the daycare all day. I’d still have to pay, of course, but all worked out well.
The only thing I couldn’t get around was school. So once again, I had to drop out. I hated to do it, but Jimmy and work always came first. If I didn’t feed him and put a roof over his head, then no one else would.
From that day forward, my schedule was nuts. I worked the daycare every day from eight in the morning until two in the afternoon. From that point on, I’d go to the condo and spend the next three to four hours cleaning. Once I was done cleaning, I’d go back to the daycare, pick up Jimmy, and go home, where I’d make us dinner. After dinner was bath time followed soon after by bedtime.
I continued to study my books just in case I was able to go back to school. So once Jimmy went to sleep, I’d pull out the books and study until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Every morning it was the same routine and every day was the same. I hardly ate, I barely slept, but I worked constantly.
Luckily, I hardly saw Finn. Coming later in the day was apparently the trick. Not to mention, Blow Hole had been doing a lot of shows lately and were out of town constantly. It worked. I was too busy to be happy or unhappy about my situation.
Even after Mom came home from the hospital, I continued this way. Watching Jimmy was just too much for her. He was a rambunctious three-year-old and Mom was getting up there in age. Her health was most important, and I wanted to be sure to keep her stress levels down like the doctor had suggested.
After a few weeks of the same schedule, I could feel myself wearing down. I hardly got to see Jimmy at all since I took care of the babies and he was in a separate class at the daycare. I missed him so much it hurt. Mom was having issues with her memory and her right hand, and that was making it hard for her do to things on her own.
I spent my days working and silently cursing all the men who were major factors in my life—Finn and my father. They were doing whatever they wanted while Mom and I continued to struggle to hold it all together. Then I’d spend my nights trying to sleep and having nightmares in the moments when I did catch a brief nap.
I’d never before been so happy to see Friday roll around. Even if I did spend my weekends lying around with Jimmy or running around the park, it was time with him and that’s all that mattered.
I scrubbed the guest bathroom vigorously. It was one of the last rooms I had to get done before I left for the day and spend the weekend with my baby boy. I was leaning over the tub and rinsing the cleaner from the bottom, when I felt someone standing behind me.
I didn’t bother turning around. The soft scent of Finn’s cologne wafted in on the bathroom steam that was floating around. I’d gone a while without seeing him, but I’d always known that I’d run into him again. I was cleaning his condo after all. The heat from the hot water in the tub was no match to Finn’s heat when he moved up behind me.
“No backpack full of high school books today?” he asked.
“No,” I said as I continued to scrub.
“Gave up on tutoring high schoolers already? That’s so unlike you to give up on someone, Faith. Oh wait, maybe it’s not so unlike you after all.”
His sarcasm made my stomach turn. I kn
ew exactly what he was getting at, but I was too exhausted to play battle of the wits with him.
“I wasn’t tutoring anyone but myself.”
I gave the tub a final rinse and stood full, stretching the ache out of my back. I was too young to feel so old.
“Tutoring yourself? You’re a little too old for high school, don’t you think? You graduated a few years ago. I’m sure you’re getting close to graduating from whatever fancy Christian college your daddy forced you to go to.” He continued to verbally poke my nerves.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said as I collected my things and moved on to the last room.
“Oh, come on. Enlighten me on this one, Faith. How’s your dad feel about the fact that you’re in my home every day?” He chuckled to himself.
I’d had enough. I was exhausted and tired of Finn’s smart mouth.
“Just stop already! I’ve seen my father once in the last three years, okay? I was going back to school to try and get my diploma. I was forced to quit school before I graduated. I’m sure it makes you happy to know that my life isn’t all peaches and cream, but that’s what it is.”
I turned and attempted to move away from him.
“What do you mean ‘was’ going back to school? Are you not going anymore?” he asked.
His eyes moved across my face, leaving me feeling entirely too exposed.
“I had to quit. It’s no big deal,” I said as I sidestepped him and made my way into the laundry room to drop off the dirty towels.
Again, he followed behind me.
“Please, Finn, just drop it. I’m tired and I don’t feel like this today.”
I was starting to feel weak. I didn’t know if it was his poking into my personal life, the lack of sleep I’d been getting, or the fact that I hadn’t really eaten anything in the last two days. Either way, it didn’t matter. The room was moving under my feet and the gray laundry room walls were starting to blur.
“Are you okay?” he asked with pinched brows.
I wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but I definitely wasn’t feeling okay. I just wanted to finish the job and go home and relax for the weekend. I turned toward him again.
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