When I flipped through the pages again, a folded-up piece of paper fell out. Unfolding the paper, I looked down at the words scribbled across the page and felt shocked at what I was reading. It was a letter from me, except it wasn’t. I’d never written a letter. It wasn’t even my handwriting. Not to mention, the words that were written across the page were words I would’ve never said to Faith. I loved her—I still did. I would’ve never hurt her that way, and I was already feeling shitty about the way I’d been treating her.
The jagged handwriting that swept across the page looked familiar, and I was positive I knew where I’d seen it before. Rushing back into my bedroom, I grabbed my wallet and pulled out Faith’s letter. I ran back into the kitchen and laid the two side by side. As I suspected, the handwriting was almost exactly the same.
Just like that, everything became so clear to me. Someone was hell-bent on keeping Faith and me apart, and I was positive I knew who that someone was. The preacher man, as holy as he pretended to be, had spun so many lies around Faith and me that we no longer knew what to believe.
I hated that bastard for taking away the only woman I’d ever loved. I hated him for taking away a future that I’d longed for my entire childhood. Not that I wasn’t happy with Blow Hole, but had I been with Faith, things would’ve turned out much differently. I could’ve had a family—kids.
I’d thought a lot about finally having kids and being there for them the way my father never had been. I’d give my kids the life I never got. I’d be in their life no matter what. At least one good thing had come from being a foster kid when I was younger. Because of my time in the many foster homes, I knew exactly what not to be when I had children of my own. I knew that no matter what, I’d be a damn good father.
All of that seemed like an impossible dream. There was no way to make it better. Too many bad things had happened over the years—too many bad memories. I’d said too many things that I couldn’t take back, and I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see my face again. My chest burned when I thought about never seeing her again. I’d lost her again, and this time I had only myself to blame.
The fact was I loved her. I’d never really stopped loving her, and when I wasn’t too busy hating her, I could see that. Faith was all I ever wanted, and I was going to try with all my might to get her back.
I took a shower and got dressed. When everyone woke up and left for the day, I stayed and waited for Faith. Even if she didn’t come back to work, she’d have to come back for her purse. That was another thing… Her working for me had to stop. She was the girl I loved, and I wasn’t going to have her scrubbing toilets anymore.
Hours went by and still no Faith. I was starting to worry and bite my nails, which I never did anymore. I thought I was about to come out of my skin when I heard the front door open. I was sure it was probably the guys coming back, but when I turned around, I saw Faith standing there with my folded T-shirt and boxers in her hand.
She stood there like the weeping willow I’d always pictured her as. Her hair flowed around her shoulders and her big brown eyes looked wounded. I hurt her. She was hurting and it was my fault.
“I forgot my purse,” she said as she turned and went toward the kitchen.
“Faith, wait. We need to talk.”
“I think you said enough yesterday,” she said with her back to me.
Again, I felt awful for everything I’d said to her from the moment we ran into each other again until the day before when I’d all but cussed her in the hallway.
“I’m sorry,” I said easily.
Sorry had never been an easy word for me, but I truly was this time. I was so sorry for everything I’d ever said and done to her, and I wished I could take it all back.
She turned and looked at me, her eyes pulled down in confusion. “What?”
“I said I’m sorry for everything. I was an asshole to you. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry.”
Tears filled her eyes and she wiped them before they could escape.
“I just want you to know some things. One: I didn’t sleep with Jenny. I was drunk and passed out. Thinking about it now and knowing that you came back and I didn’t know you did makes me sick to my stomach. The last four years have been hell for me.”
More tears came and she didn’t stop them from falling.
“For me, too,” she whispered.
I pulled out the two letters and handed them to her.
“And this is number two,” I said.
She unfolded each one and read them. When she looked back up at me, she started crying. Pulling her into my arms, I held her close to me.
“Don’t cry, baby. Everything’s okay now.”
She felt so good in my arms. It was as if the last four years never happened—like we’d just picked right up from the night she left. I’d take care of her. I’d make sure no one ever hurt her again. I had the ability to make everything perfect in her life, and I was determined to do it.
She pulled away and continued to cry.
“Everything’s not okay, Finn. There are things…” She stopped. “You know what? I can’t do this right now. I need time to think. I need to go and think.”
She took off with her purse in hand toward the front door. Following behind her, I grabbed her hand before she could leave.
“Don’t do this to me again, Faith. I need you,” I said honestly.
She placed her forehead against the door and took a deep breath. When she turned my way again, I held my arms out to her and she melted into my chest.
I breathed her in and rubbed her back. She was everything I ever wanted. She looked up at me and I leaned down and softly kissed her. She kissed me back and moaned sweetly in my mouth.
Things were going great until suddenly she pulled away again. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she sniffled. I used my thumb to wipe away her tears.
“Whatever it is, we can fix it,” I whispered in her hair.
That was the trigger. She pulled away completely and turned toward the door again. As she reached out for the knob, I watched her shoulders droop in defeat.
“It can’t be fixed,” she said sadly.
Then a thought hit me. Maybe she was already with someone else. Maybe he was good to her and she loved him. If that were the case, then my chance to find happiness would never come. If she was already taken, then I’d never be with another woman the way I was with Faith.
“Is there someone else?” I asked. The words choked me as they came out.
My chest ached with my words. I couldn’t stand the thought of another man having what I wanted.
Her face went pale as she stared back at me with big brown eyes. “Something like that,” she said.
And then she turned away and left. This time she slammed the door behind her. A picture of a guitar fell from the wall next to the door and broke all over the expensive flooring. It shattered into pieces exactly the way my heart did… again.
I cried the entire drive home. Things were so screwed up and I didn’t know what to do. Finn was basically trying to mend things with me and I wanted it—I wanted to be with him so bad. The only problem was I knew the minute I told him about Jimmy, he would hate me again. Either that or he’d try to take Jimmy away.
As badly as I wanted everything Finn was offering me, I couldn’t take that chance—not when my child was involved.
I felt bad because Finn deserved to know about Jimmy. He deserved to be a parent just as much as I did. All the reasons that we weren’t together were lies spun by my father to keep me away from Finn. Neither of us was theoretically in the wrong, and if we started pointed fingers, technically, I was the one who walked away from him.
Another thing I had to worry about was work. No way could I continue to work for the boys. I couldn’t clean up for Finn, knowing everything that happened since we reunited. Plus, the more I went around him, the more likely I was to tell him about Jimmy. I just didn’t know what to do. I was stuck between a rock and hard place.
/>
When I walked in the front door, Mom was sitting on the couch. Jimmy was napping on his dinosaur sleeping bag on the floor in front of the TV.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” she asked when she saw me crying.
I spent the next hour telling her everything. From the moment I left Finn in South Carolina to the moment I’d left him not twenty minutes before. I pulled out the two letters that I was positive my father had written and handed them to her.
She looked down at the letters and then back up at me with tear-filled eyes. Mom and I hadn’t been close since I was a little girl, but since she divorced my father, she was her old self again. It was nice having a relationship with her.
“Faith. Your father didn’t write these. I did,” she said as a tear slipped down her cheek.
I moved away from her and my heart sank. She suddenly looked different to me. She was so quiet and godly. No way could my mother have done such a thing.
“No, Mom,” I whispered.
She reached out for my hand and gripped my fingers.
“I’m so sorry. I just wanted our lives to go back to normal. I was tired of seeing you and your father argue, and I thought it was for the best. Now that I see the trouble I caused, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was so unlike anything my mother would do, but as a mother myself, I supposed I could see her way of thinking. Everything was a mess, and Mom and Jimmy were all I had. It was hard, but I had to forgive her. I couldn’t deny a person who’d asked for forgiveness, which was why I also had to forgive Finn.
I didn’t sleep that night as I snuggled in bed with my son. I held him close to me as I thought about our future and the last four years of my life. Things were hard, but I learned a lot about myself in those hard times. I learned how strong I could be when it was needed. I had to have faith that things would get better, and I had to have faith that Finn wouldn’t take my baby away from me if I revealed his existence.
It felt wrong not telling him, and a part of me knew that Finn would make a wonderful father. Jimmy was a great kid and he was really missing out by not knowing him. I had to do the right thing and pray that things would work out okay. By the time I fell asleep, I decided that I was going to tell Finn about Jimmy.
The next day, after I was done at the daycare, I went to the temp agency and told Mrs. Cooper that I couldn’t return back to work cleaning the condo. Thankfully, until I found something else, I still had the daycare, and Mrs. Karen, the daycare director, even promised to give me more hours.
I went to work the rest of that week still trying to figure out how to tell Finn about Jimmy. I knew it was wrong to run out on him without explanation, but I freaked out and went about it completely the wrong way.
That night, I watched some adult TV and saw parts of a Blow Hole concert. Finn looked amazing on stage. His voice had only gotten better since I’d last heard him sing. I watched and wished he was there singing sweetly to me the way he had when we were younger. I fell asleep with a dreamy smile on my face and thoughts of the past.
The following week, I finally got up the nerve to tell him, but when I got to his door, there was no one at the condo. I no longer had a key to get in, and if I did, I wouldn’t have gone in anyway. I left thinking that maybe fate had intervened. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell Finn. Maybe I should wait and spend some time with him first.
By the following week, I was already missing Finn, as if the last four years apart had never existed. I’d stop by every now and again, but no one was ever home. I just assumed they were out doing shows like they used to when I worked there.
Money from the daycare wasn’t great, but it was enough to keep my head above the bills. I was even able to pick up a few fun things at the grocery store for Jimmy when he asked for it, which wasn’t often since he never asked for anything. I was pretty sure I’d raised the best kid in the world.
One day after leaving the daycare with Jimmy, I rode by Finn’s place to see if maybe anyone was home. If so, then I could take Jimmy home to Mom and come back. Still, there was no one. I set off for home, feeling deflated and rundown. I’d finally gotten the nerve to tell Finn the truth, but he was never home.
When I got home, we ate dinner with Mom, and then I gave Jimmy a bath and dressed him in his thermal cartoon pajamas. Putting on his dinosaur movie, I left him in the bedroom with his new dinosaur mask. It was the newest thing I’d purchased for him with my most recent paycheck. There was nothing funnier than seeing a tiny three-year-old running around with cartoon pajamas and a big dinosaur mask. He loved it, though, and that was all that mattered to me.
While he was occupied, I took a long, hot shower and took the time to shave my legs. After getting dressed for bed, I ran the brush through my long hair and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Mom had already gone to bed so the only light left on in the apartment was the living room lamp.
I turned everything off in the kitchen and made my way into the living room to check the locks and turn off the lamp. I was about to turn it off when a knock on the door startled me.
It was late and we weren’t in a great neighborhood. Opening doors all willy-nilly around where we lived could get you killed. I peeked out the curtain, thinking I’d get a look at who it was, but I couldn’t get a good view. Finally, they moved and I saw Finn’s arm.
My heart started beating super-fast. This wasn’t the way I wanted him to find out, and if Jimmy came out of his room, there was no way I could deny him. Not to mention, Jimmy looked just like Finn. He’d see him and know instantly that Jimmy was his son.
He knocked again, and instead of risking Jimmy hearing and coming out of the room, I quickly opened the door. Finn’s eyes moved from my head to my toes, and then he shyly smiled.
“I know it’s late, but I needed to see you,” he said.
I could tell it had taken a lot for him to admit that. He looked so incredibly handsome in his dark-wash jeans and black long-sleeved shirt. He leaned against the doorjamb and shattered me with his dimpled smile.
“We just got back in town. I missed you. Did you miss me at all?” he asked sweetly.
Did I ever…
“I did,” I whispered.
“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?”
I wanted to. I wanted to so bad, but I couldn’t take that risk. Jimmy was just a few rooms away and still awake. I could hear him softly singing the music that was playing on his movie.
“Right now’s not really a good time,” I said.
His face dropped and he shook his head like he understood. He moved closer and ran a single finger down my cheek as if he were memorizing me.
“I’m too late,” he said sadly.
He looked as if he was on the verge of tears, and my heart broke for him.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re with someone else. I’m too late.”
It took a minute for his words to sink in, and when they did, I almost laughed out loud. He thought I was with someone else and that was so far from happening it wasn’t even funny. I’d never been with anyone but Finn. I hadn’t even been on a date with anyone else, much less lived with someone else.
“Does he treat you good?” He looked me straight in the eye with a crushed expression.
“There’s no one else, Finn.”
I smiled at the relief that moved across his expression.
“Then it’s me? Have you still not forgiven me?”
It bothered me that he even said it that way. I was the one that should’ve been asking for forgiveness. I was the one who was harboring a massive secret that could change his life forever.
“There’s nothing to forgive. Finn, can we talk tomorrow? There are things I want to talk to you about, but right now’s not a good time.”
My nerves were jumping around inside me. Any minute, Jimmy could come around the corner and any minute, things between Finn and me would go downhill just that quickly. He co
uld take my son on the spot. He was freaking Jimmy Finn for God’s sake. He was a rock god as far as some people were concerned, and I was positive he was worth millions.
“Sure, do you want to…?”
He stopped talking when Jimmy jumped from behind me. He was wearing his dinosaur mask and growling at Finn playfully. His fingers were bent as he pretended he had massive claws and he pushed them out toward Finn as if he were about to claw him to death.
“I’m a scary dinosaur. You better run for your life!” He growled cutely.
My heart stopped as I stared down at my son and prayed he didn’t take off his mask.
I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around toward the bedroom.
“Sweetie, go back to bed please. I’ll be there in just a bit,” I said sternly.
His shoulders slumped.
“But, but…” he whined.
“What did I say?” I asked sweetly.
The truth was I was about to lose it. My nerves had hit their breaking point and I was about to snap and slam the door in Finn’s face out of fear.
I could feel Finn’s eyes burning into the side of my face. Sweat began to gather above my brow and it felt like it was going to drip into my eyes and blind me.
“But, Mommy, I miss you,” Jimmy said sweetly.
“I miss you too, baby boy. I’ll be in there in just a minute okay?”
I felt like I was going to pass out. This was not happening. No way was this really happening.
“Okay!” Jimmy said happily as he ran back to our room.
A few seconds later, I heard the springs of my mattress when he began to jump up and down on the bed.
Finn looked down at me with hurt-filled blue eyes. His eyebrows pinched down in confusion.
“You have a son.” He stated the obvious.
Panic rolled through my body again, and I felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My throat felt so dry that I couldn’t swallow. I had to push out my words.
“I do,” I rasped. “He’s the only reason I’d ever scrub toilets.” I tried to lighten the situation.
It didn’t work.
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