“I hope so,” Brant replied with equal softness and then glanced toward the door.
“You will see her soon.”
Soon turned out to be four hours later. Not wishing to drink too much brandy, Brant had begun to drink tea and was heartily sick of it by the time the relatives had ceased to visit, Olympia had had another rest, and he was finally allowed in to see her. He stepped up to the side of the bed and much of his fear for her eased when she smiled at him.
“You do not have a family; you have an army,” he said, then felt guilty for making her laugh when she winced and lightly touched her heavily bandaged shoulder. “I am sorry.”
“For what?”
“Well, just now, for making you laugh. But, I am sorry you got pulled into this tragedy.”
“Agatha is safe now as are a lot of children. A bullet wound in the shoulder is a very small price to pay for that.”
“True but I would wish you had remained safe. I wish I could have kept you safe.”
And now she had added to all that guilt he clutched to him like some cherished talisman, she thought. “One is never truly safe, Brant, and no one can keep a person safe for every minute of every day. She was going to shoot you. The boys and I could not stand there and do nothing.”
“Why did none of the boys climb the wall?” he asked, trying to ignore what she said.
“It appears they have a small problem with heights. At least heights such as the one they would have been at if they had tried to climb the wall. I was the only one who could do it, although the plan did go a little awry.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed, took her hand in his, and kissed her palm. “More than a little. Poor Pawl is probably very glad this is over. He will be more than happy to see the last of the Mallams.”
Olympia felt her heart stutter with pain, but fought not to ask what he meant by that. If he was intending to end their association now that Agatha was safe and the problem with his mother was ended, she was determined to take the loss with all the dignity she could muster. Pride would give her the strength not to let him see how much that would hurt her.
“Pawl was trained as a guard. He is, in many ways, a soldier as much as a footman.” She smiled faintly. “And occasionally a coachman and has held many another position in my household since he joined it. You have seen to it that he is not the one known to have pulled the trigger.”
“I have. With Dobson’s help this will all end as a horrible tragedy filled with the delicious scandal of a love affair gone wrong between a countess and her footman.”
“Good. It will be difficult for Agatha when she finally has her come-out but not as difficult as it would be for your family if the full truth were known.”
“We are not the only ones who know it though.”
“The others will not talk for they will then have too many looking at them, at how they knew such things. If the full truth were told, every single person who had anything to do with your mother could be tainted and suffer for it all. I wish some would but this is for the best. The ones who were involved with her in any of the things she did will be very certain that the tale you have come up with gets their full support.”
“How fare you? In much pain?”
“Septimus took most of it away and the doctor has left a potion if I need it. I will be fine.” She could not fully subdue a yawn.
“Rest, Olympia.” He leaned forward and brushed a kiss over her mouth. “That is the best cure. I will go now and get Agatha settled but I shall be back to see you on the morrow. Oh, one thing you might be interested in,” he said as he stood up. “According to your aunt Antigone, Orion is Giles’s father.”
“How wonderful. She did not say but she was more interested in how I was faring so that she could tell Ilar. Orion will be good to the boy. I suspect he will take over the care of all of them as they are a family in many ways and should not be separated. Orion is wise enough to see that.”
“Good. I wondered about that. Rest, love. I will see you again soon.”
Olympia watched the door shut behind him and sighed. There was no doubting his deep concern for her but she had hoped for more. She almost smiled for in her few moments of clear thought as her wound had been tended to, she had imagined him having seen where his heart lay the moment he realized she was wounded. She had envisioned a tender moment with words of undying love as he came to her bedside to see that she would indeed survive. Olympia would never have imagined she would be prone to such girlish flights of fancy.
But it had been no more than a silly dream, she mused, and closed her eyes. Even if Brant had declared his undying love, she would have hesitated to fully accept it. He did not see it but a ghost lived in his heart. Faith was there even though she knew the woman did not want to be. He still carried the guilt of what had happened to her. Now he added the guilt of not having seen what his mother truly was, of not protecting Agatha enough, and, now, not protecting her enough. It was not something she could rid him of. He had to do it himself.
The question was, should she accept any declaration of love from him, stay at his side, and hope he found the strength to shed the guilt he did not have any reason to cling to? It was a poison in many ways but he was the only one who could rid his heart of it. Too tired to decide, and knowing it was all speculation since he had not declared any sort of love for her, Olympia decided to just deal with getting well and strong again.
Brant took Agatha back to the town house. He knew they could not stay there for long. The memories of all that had happened there were still too strong. Yet, he had to stay in town until he knew Olympia was well.
As he and Agatha settled in the small salon to share some tea and food, he looked at her but saw no sign that she was suffering in any way. “How fare you, Aggie?”
“I will be fine, Brant. It was frightening when Minden tried to steal me away. It also hurt to know my mother gave her full approval for it to happen. Yet, that pain was fleeting. I learned long ago that she has never really cared for any of us.” Agatha sighed. “That was hard for I was still very much a child and eager to please my mother. It eventually became evident that there was nothing I could do, nothing any of us could do, to please her unless we could advance her place in society or fill her purse. An ugly truth but one I accepted.”
“I should have been here, should never have left you in her grasp.”
“Brant, you seem very fond of shouldering guilt for things you could not have changed. She would do what she would do no matter where you were, she would just have done it differently. And, I lived with her more than you did, yet even I did not truly grasp how evil she was. That is a shock it will take time to overcome.”
“I think you pardon me too quickly. I was sunk in my own little world, paying no heed to anything but what I wanted. Too often I was sunk in drink as well and more useless to everyone who needed me than I care to think on.”
Agatha smiled at him and patted his hand. “You were grieving. I think you were also trying very hard not to believe that our mother knew exactly what would happen to Faith when she sold the poor girl to that house. I think she did but it took this latest trouble for me to accept that.”
“You know about Faith?”
“Oh, yes. Mother liked to keep her secrets but she was too arrogant, and too dismissive of me, to do it well. I know far, far more than she would have ever allowed if she had been paying attention.”
Brant forgot all his guilt for a moment. “Just what do you know, Aggie? Enough for me to see to some punishment for those who worked with her or knew what she was doing? Those who may have helped her hide her crimes?”
Agatha smiled even more. “Oh, yes. I know a great deal. Where would you like me to start?”
Brant soon discovered that his little sister was not making an idle boast. He did not wish to think on how young she must have been when she had begun to spy on their mother. The things she had learned about were not ones any young girl should have ever even heard about. Yet, he
could not completely still his excitement as she spoke, telling him names, informing him of where he could find the papers to back up any accusations he made, and even how much money his mother had gathered and where it was.
“My God, Agatha, why did you not tell us this before?”
“You would never have been able to get to it. That much she was careful about. She also did not trust you and, for all her lack of care, she did respect your brain and your strength enough to be wary about you, to be on her guard.” Agatha shrugged. “I was nothing she ever saw as a threat.”
“More fool her,” he muttered and ran a hand through his hair. “It will take some time for me to sort this all out. Are you uncomfortable in this house now?”
“No, it is just a house. True, it carries her mark but she did have good taste. It will be awhile before the chill of her presence leaves, but if we must stay here for a while, do not fret that it will disturb greatly.”
“Good, for I have a need to bring some of these men to justice.”
“And to see Olympia, I suspect.” She laughed when Brant blushed a little. “She is a very good woman. Strong and clever, but with a very big heart.”
“I am not good enough for her.”
“Nonsense. You are more than good enough for her especially if you love her as I think you do.”
“I failed her as I have failed too many others.” He started in surprise when she gave him a light slap on the cheek.
“You need to rid yourself of that guilt.” She stood up and brushed down her skirts. “It is useless, unearned, and it will be a poison to whatever you might wish to build with Olympia. Do you love her?”
“Yes.”
“And you believe she loves you?”
“I feel that she does.” He was not about to explain why he felt that way since it involved matters much too personal to share with a girl of sixteen.
“Then you must go to her with a clean heart and mind.”
“What the devil does that mean?” he asked himself after Agatha walked away.
He sighed and realized he was utterly exhausted. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with this treasure of information his sister had handed him. He might even have to bring Dobson back into the mess his mother had made.
As he made his way to his bedchamber, he decided he would fix his mind on making some of his mother’s allies pay for their crimes. He would visit Olympia as often as he could as well. Once she was well enough, he would declare himself to her. As for all the rest, the talk of the guilt he carried and clearing his heart? There was time enough in the future to deal with that once he figured out how to do so.
Chapter 19
“Careful with that trunk, Pawl. I have some breakable things in there.”
Brant slid in past Pawl and stood in the front hall of the Warren looking around. Trunks and boxes filled it and his heart sank. Olympia was leaving. She had not said a word about that in the fortnight since she had been shot but he should have known she could not stay in London indefinitely. She had a son who was undoubtedly eager to see her, if only to see with his own eyes that she was well again.
“Olympia?” he called, and smiled when she turned from making sure a trunk was securely closed to look at him. “You did not tell me you were leaving.”
“I hinted at it many times, Brant,” she said as she took him by the hand and led him into the parlor. “Ilar has been very patient but I have been gone from home for far longer than either of us had anticipated.”
“I know.” He waited until she took a seat on the settee and sat down beside her. She was looking very healthy again and his body tightened when he thought of all the ways he wished to take advantage of her good health. “I had just thought we would have a day or two to enjoy your recovery before you left.”
Olympia knew that the heat his words stirred in her body was coloring her cheeks so she turned her attention to pouring them both a small glass of wine. She would like nothing more than to slip upstairs with him. It had surprised her how much she ached for his touch even though she knew she loved him. Having had nothing to do with men, never feeling any great passion or even mild desire, she had never thought it would be something that could plague her night and day. It did though, and it plagued her dreams as well.
For a moment she faltered in her decision to leave but then straightened her backbone and shored up her determination. This was the best way to handle this matter. He was the man she wanted and she doubted she would ever want another but he needed to heal himself. She wanted him whole and loving her and he was not here yet. Even Artemis, before he had left for home, had told her that the sorrow in Brant, the heavy, dark guilt, had actually grown, not lessened. She was not the one who could clean him of that darkness no matter how much she loved him.
Brant put his arm around her and tugged her close after she had finished filling the glasses. “I need to speak to you of something.”
“You have finished seeing to the punishment of all those who shared your mother’s guilt?” Despite her best intentions, she leaned into his hold, savoring the heat and strength of him.
“Nearly done. No, I meant I wished to speak about us.”
This was not the way he had planned to do this, he thought a little crossly. Brant had planned a romantic dinner, lovemaking, and soft words of love followed by his proposal. Sitting in the parlor while the sounds of people packing echoed through the door was not romantic. There was no time to waste, however. He could not take the time to go to Myrtledowns and court her for several weeks yet but he did not want her to leave without knowing how he felt.
“Us?” Olympia said and met his gaze. “What of us, Brant? You have never really indicated that there would be an us after Agatha was safe.”
“No? I became your lover.” He grimaced when she just cocked one brow at him. “Fine. That may not have been the greatest of clues, all things considered. Curse it, Olympia, I love you.”
She was both thrilled and amused. “Curse it, Brant, I love you, too.”
“You do?”
“Aye, I do.”
“Then you will marry me.”
“Nay.”
He sat back, more shocked than hurt for he was sure she had just confessed to loving him. “You do not wish to have a husband, is that it?” He knew she was a very strong, independent woman but he had never considered the possibility that she would not want to marry.
“I want a husband if that husband is you.” She reached up to stroke his cheek with her hand. “I said I love you and I do not toss those words about lightly as some do. I love you to the depths of my soul.”
She allowed him to silence her with a kiss, sinking into his embrace and soaking up all the pleasure she could from his kiss. Once he ended it, however, she moved out of his arms and stood up. A little uneasy about what she had to say next, she picked up her glass of wine and downed it all. Carefully placing the glass back on the table, she looked at him, not surprised to find him scowling at her in anger and confusion.
“I love you. Never doubt that. I will not marry you though. Not yet. You see, I will not tie my life and my heart to a man who carries around a ghost.”
“A ghost?”
“Faith’s ghost or rather the grief and guilt over her death that you have never let go of. And, oh, how you have added to that load in the past few weeks. You carry so much that it is as if you have a whole other person inside you, one bent beneath the weight of it all.”
“Olympia . . .” He stopped talking when she touched her fingers to his mouth.
“Listen to me. I will love you forever but I want the whole man. I will not share him with the ghost of another woman or that living, breathing guilt that lives deep in your heart. Clean your heart, Brant. Shed that hair shirt you wear like some armor. Say good-bye to Faith and beg her forgiveness if that gives you ease, although I have never thought you had much to be forgiven for. Come to me when you are ready, when there is not such a weight on your heart, and I will marry you without
hesitation.”
He watched her walk out of the room, unable to think of a thing to say to stop her. He was still sitting there when he heard the carriages pull away. Brant drank his wine, stood up, and left the house. For a moment he just stood on the side of the road staring blindly in the direction she had gone.
“I hope you are not thinking to take my carriage again,” said Orion as he stepped up to Brant’s side.
“It would do no good to chase her down,” Brant said. “She will not marry me.”
“Truly? I am surprised.”
“She said I have to come to her with a clean heart.” Brant could feel himself start to get angry.
“Ah, of course.”
He glared at Orion. “Of course? Of course? What does that mean? A clean heart? Did I not just offer it to her? Is that not enough to show it is hers? She speaks of ghosts and guilt and all and then leaves.”
“Did she refuse your marriage proposal completely or only for now?”
“Only for now. I am to clean my heart. Sister told me the same and damned if I know what they are talking about.”
“The past, m’lord. You are clinging to the past. As for guilt? Oh, yes, you carry a load that should have broken you by now. I have heard all about what you have endured and what your mother was. Time you fully accept that, with an enemy like that, sometimes one can only accept that nothing could have been changed. And sometimes, ugly as it is, Fate herself has a part. Your mother is at fault for all you suffered. No one else. That is what you have to accept. Cast aside the I-could-have, I-might-have, I-should-have thoughts and accept that it happened.”
“There are a lot of I-could-haves.”
“And there always are and always will be. But they are just guilt’s voice. It happened. Simple as that. It happened and you have done all you could to fix it. If it requires you to bleed yourself dry reliving every single thing you feel guilty about, do it. You will be the better for it for you will see that you weigh yourself down with unearned guilt. Then you can go and get your Olympia.”
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