by Lila Moore
“Wait,” Sledge said. He pulled out his wallet and gave me all the cash inside, six hundred dollars.
“What’s this for?”
“In case it’s not safe for you to go back to your dorm. You may need to get a hotel room. If that asshole shows up at your dorm, call me immediately. Do you understand?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want him coming anywhere near my son, or you.”
Knowing Sledge cared so strongly about the both of us made me feel a little better. I nodded. With one last look at the baby, I turned to go. I rode the elevator down to find Sledge’s driver. He looked at me with pity. I was sure he had no idea what had just transpired; I must have looked terrible though.
“This way, young lady,” he said, not unkindly. I did as he said and we drove back to my dorm.
16
The next day I decided to skip class. I’d managed to tell Astrid what happened, but I wasn’t sure she fully understood my fragmented, erratic retelling of the story. She offered to skip and stay with me, but I told her to go to class. I wanted to be alone. I could see her reluctance to leave. She didn’t trust me after the previous incident with the pills. Unconvincingly, I assured her I’d be fine.
“Of course you will be,” she’d said.
Later, when I got out of the shower, I noticed that some of the things on my side of the room had been moved. Astrid must have searched through my things looking for pills or anything I could hurt myself with. It made me uncomfortable to know she thought of me as untrustworthy, but I couldn’t blame her. I knew she was worried about me. It was nice to know someone cares about you.
Still, I couldn’t help feeling a bit hurt. The last few days had been a rollercoaster. I wanted Astrid to trust me. I wanted to lean on her, but she was determined to treat me like a child.
Once she was gone, I curled up into bed. I didn’t bother to dress. I laid in bed wearing nothing but a robe, my hair wet. I stared at the ceiling. The truth was exposed. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and replaced with a new one. My family had been hiding my baby in plain sight. I never suspected anything. How could I have been so blind? More importantly, how was I going to take care of him?
I’d have to drop out of school and get a job. I doubted Sledge wanted to be with me after learning I’d deceived him for over a year. We’d have to split custody. That might make things a little easier. I knew I should start looking for work immediately, but I couldn’t bring myself to start my job hunt. Everything was too raw. A wound that had never healed was bleeding freely again.
I needed a distraction. I pulled out my phone and opened the hockey message board. I knew I would regret it, but I wanted to see what they had to say about me. To my surprise, the tide had turned in my favor. The girls who hated me suddenly loved me. They saw me as the hero who saved Sledge from prison. Svetlana had become their villain. They said horrible things about her. They’d probably all go back to hating me again when they discovered Sledge and I had a baby together.
For the moment, they were rooting for me though. It felt strangely good. I shouldn’t have enjoyed it. The posters on the site had no idea who I was. They were only cheering me on because they thought I was like them. If they knew how fucked up I was they’d hate me more than Svetlana.
I opened my desk drawer and started pushing the pens and highlighters around. I hoped I’d find a stray pill lying in the bottom. I searched the dorm top to bottom and found nothing. Sickeningly, I thought Astrid was right not to trust me. If I had a bottle of pills, I’d take one after another until I felt nothing.
I couldn’t be that person anymore. I had a baby to take care of. I slammed the desk drawer shut with a new resolve: no pills, no booze. I couldn’t hide from my problems with pills anymore. Whatever will happen will happen. I had to focus on what I could control.
I jumped out of bed and dressed. I had six hundred dollars in my pocket. I would spend it on essentials for the baby. I drove to the mall and spent hours wandering around the children’s toys store and the toddler section of the clothing stores. I looked at onesies for newborns and older babies. I touched all the cribs and blankets. I wanted to give my baby the best of the best, but I couldn’t afford it. When an antique crib caught my attention I was determined to buy it. It was seven thousand dollars. My paltry six hundred wouldn’t buy me much.
I settled on a few toys. Sledge said he’d send his driver to pick up food and diapers. He would give the baby everything he needed. I couldn’t give him anything. Losing my baby only to get him back and discover I was useless, was a living nightmare.
I drove home to find a flurry of activity in my dorm room. Astrid was there, so was Sledge and two men in expensive suits. The baby was noticeably absent.
“Where have you been?” Sledge said, jumping up to greet me.
“Where’s the baby?” I asked.
“I left him with a nanny.”
That was fast. I’d spent all afternoon trying to pick out a cute outfit for the baby and Sledge had already hired a nanny. Of course he had the advantage of money on his side.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Where were you?” Sledge said again.
I showed him my bag. “I went to the mall.”
I pulled out the teddy bear and rattle. They suddenly looked cheap and raggedy. I was ashamed of myself for not getting the baby something nicer. Sledge gave me a pitying look. He wrapped his arms around me. Awkwardly, I hugged him back.
“I was worried,” he said.
His embrace felt better than I could have imagined. It warmed me to know he was worried about me. I looked past him to the men awkwardly standing in the middle of the dorm.
“These are my lawyers,” he said.
I swallowed hard. Were they here to hammer out custody details? Would Sledge try to get sole custody? I gave him a hard look and tried to divine what went on behind his hazel eyes.
“They’re here to talk to you about the case with Svetlana,” he said.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Sledge tells us you already spoke with the detectives,” the lawyer said.
“Yes. I wanted to clear his name.”
“That was brave of you-stupid, but brave.”
I looked to Astrid. She appeared as bewildered as I felt. “I just wanted Sledge’s name cleared. I couldn’t stand the idea of him going down for something he didn’t do.”
“Understandable,” the lawyer said, “but now we have the problem of keeping you out of prison. The cops already know you were responsible for Ms. Herzigova’s fall. She’s determined to press charges against you.”
It never occurred to me I might get my baby back only to lose him because I was in prison. What the hell had my life turned into?
“The good news,” his partner said, “is that she’s already tried to falsely accuse Sledge. The law enforcement officers know that she’s a liar. Now she’s trying to frame you. We’re confident we can make this case go away.”
“That’s good,” I said.
“The damage may be done however. Ms. Herzigova can make your life difficult. She has money and connections. She may go to the press with this story and try to destroy your reputation. The fallout could be ruinous. We can sue of course. I’m confident we would win in fact. But these cases can drag on for years; by then the damage will be done.”
“We’ve already forced her to retract her story about Sledge under threat of a lawsuit. She’s released a statement disavowing all reports of an attempted murder and the police have released a statement saying Sledge is no longer a suspect nor will charges be filed.”
“That’s all that matters,” I said.
“No,” Sledge replied. “What matters is clearing your name. I won’t let your reputation be ruined over this. What if she manages to get you kicked out of school?”
I was so exhausted with all the problems in my life that I didn’t even care.
“School may not be an option for me anymore,”
I said.
“What are you talking about?”
I looked at the lawyers and Astrid. This was a conversation Sledge and I should have in private.
“Svetlana’s not going to get away with this,” Sledge said. “If it comes down to it, I’ll expose all her bullshit in retaliation.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant, but it wouldn’t surprise me to learn Svetlana had a lot of skeletons in her closet.
“I don’t want you to worry about her.”
“I can’t advice you do anything illegal,” the lawyer said. “Though, if you are in possession if information that could be used as leverage, it would give us an advantage.”
That was lawyer-speak for blackmail. I hoped Sledge had some good dirt on her.
“I’ve got videotapes and pictures of her doing coke and acting crazy. The media will eat it up. She’ll lose several multimillion dollar contracts if those images ever see the light of day.”
“Hand everything over to us. Do not talk to her. We’ll see that the message is delivered to her. Once she sees how damaging this material is she’ll back off,” the lawyer said.
They made it sound so easy. I hoped they were right.
“Bobbi and I need to talk in private,” Sledge said to everyone in the room.
“Of course,” one of the lawyers responded. “We’ll leave you alone. Remember: do not talk to anyone.”
I nodded as they left. Astrid excused herself so Sledge and I could have some privacy.
“How is the baby?” I asked.
“He’s good.”
“Do you have everything he needs?”
“Yeah.”
“Diapers? Formula?”
“He has everything.”
“Will you give him this?” I handed the bag of baby toys to Sledge.
“No. You should give it to him.”
We stood a foot apart, though it felt like a great chasm had opened up between us.
“I’m taking a break from hockey.”
“What?”
It was just as I feared. This was going to ruin him.
“Just for a few games,” he said. “We all need time to get settled. I think the coach was relieved. I’ve been getting a lot of heat lately.”
I only nodded. In the old days, I would have lectured Sledge on his temper. Fighting is part of hockey, but fighting your own teammates is ridiculous. He needed to get his temper in check. I didn’t say this though. Lecturing Sledge felt wrong after how I’d deceived him.
“What did you mean about school not being an option?” he asked.
“Things have to change now. I’ll have to get a job to help support the baby. I can’t raise a baby, work and go to school.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re going to finish college. I’ll pay for it.”
“But-”
He held up his hand silencing me. “Please, don’t argue with me.”
I kept my mouth shut. I could tell he was beyond stressed out. He didn’t need me make things worse. I didn’t feel good taking his money, but who was I kidding? I needed him.
“You can’t raise a baby here,” he said. “You can stay with me until we can find a place for the two of you. We’ll work out custody.”
He ran his hands through his hair. The whole conversation was surreal. I never thought we’d be discussing the baby let alone custody agreements. Sledge was handling this better than I thought he would even though he could barely look me in the eye.
“Do you want to talk about the pills?” he said.
I froze in place. “What do you mean?”
“Don’t play games with me, Bobbi. We’re way beyond that. Astrid told me you OD’d. She said you did it on purpose.”
I felt as if I’d forgotten how to breathe. I took a deep breath, but felt starved for oxygen.
“It was a stupid mistake. I don’t take pills anymore.”
“How long have you been taking them?”
“About a year…” I admitted. “…since they took the baby away from me.”
Sledge turned away from me. At first I thought he was mad at me, then he said: “I’m going to fucking kill him. Christ, Bobbi, why didn’t you come to me? We could have done something. I could have stopped him.”
“I was scared. He convinced me that I’d ruin your life and I’d shame my family. When I had the baby, they immediately took him away from me. No one asked me what I wanted. They let me hold him for a minute then he was snatched away. I was told he was adopted into a good family. I had no idea they were hiding him from me.”
“You never suspected anything?”
“No. I swear. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my aunt that I knew something was off. I heard a baby crying in the background. She claimed it was just the TV, but it sounded real. That’s why I went over there. I figured if I ambushed her she couldn’t pass the baby off to someone.”
“Who was taking care of him while you were staying with her on the weekends?”
“Her church friends, apparently.”
Sledge grabbed a chair and threw it against the wall. I jumped
“You don’t even know?”
I shook my head, no. Sledge’s hands shook. They were balled into fists at his side. He took a breath. I could see the effort it took to control himself.
“Look, I’m not mad at you,” he said. “It’s your father and this whole situation… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You have every right to be angry. In a twisted way, I kind of envy you.”
“Why?”
“I’ve been so pathetic. I’ve let these things happen to me while I sit around feeling sorry for myself and cowering in fear. If I had an ounce of your anger, maybe I could have changed things. Maybe I could have stood up to my father and ended this. Our lives could be different, but I was too big of a coward to change things.”
“This isn’t your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. Your father is a bully. He’s manipulated you and bullied you to the point that you’re too scared to make a decision. The thought of him having control over my son…”
He shook his head and looked away. Tears started to well up in my eyes.
“Don’t do that,” he said. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. It’s over now. I’m going to make things right, and your father is going to pay for what he’s done.”
“How?”
“He tried to take away our life. Now I’m going to take away his.”
17
Sledge was hell-bent on revenge. He saw my father’s actions as kidnapping and worse. I wanted to run away, to forget all about this and start our lives over fresh. Sledge couldn’t let it go though. He wanted my father destroyed.
Sledge was incapable of backing down from a challenge or a slight. It wasn’t in his DNA. His first order of business was to announce to the world he had a baby. It was his way of publically humiliating my father. But more importantly, Sledge was happy. He fell in love with the baby almost immediately. He wanted to show him off because he was a proud papa.
Injuring my father was just the cherry on top.
We went back to his condo, driving in silence. I was weighed down too heavily by thoughts of my uncertain future. I didn’t want to push Sledge. I was afraid I’d anger him and he’d cut me out of his life. It was clear he was angry at me, in spite of saying he wasn’t. Most of his fury was reserved for my father though.
I practically ran into Sledge’s condo. I was desperate to hold the baby again. I scooped him up into my arms. He yawned, then rested his head on my shoulder. His eyes were heavy. It wasn’t long before he fell asleep. I didn’t want to put him down in his crib though. The nanny tried to take him away from me, but I told her I could take care of the baby myself. Sledge sent her home.
I paced around Sledge’s condo rocking the baby gently. It wasn’t long before the door buzzed. Someone was downstairs. Sledge had apparently ordered takeout. I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to study the bab
y’s face, learn his features and mannerisms. This was alien territory for me. I felt like I was meeting him for the first time.
Then there was the fear of losing him. I was half convinced my father would show up and tear the baby from my arms and leave with him. Sledge was right; it was a kidnapping. I may have been a dumb teenager but he had no right to take the baby from me without my consent.
When Sledge opened the door, the baby stirred awake. He cried and twisted in my arms. Sledge brought in two huge pizzas and set them down on the coffee table in the living room. Then he went into the next room and brought out a blanket. He laid it across the floor.
“He wants to crawl around,” Sledge said.
The baby twisted in my arms trying to jump to the floor. I didn’t want to let him go, but I set him down on the blanket anyway. He crawled quickly. Sledge blocked his path and turned him around before he could explore too far.
“You’ve got to watch him constantly. He’s fast,” he said with a smile.
The baby grabbed onto the side of the couch. Using it for balance he walked along. When he reached the end of the couch he tried to walk without assistance and fell down to the floor. He didn’t seem bothered though. He happily crawled on.
I got the bag full of toys and set them out on the blanket. The baby grabbed the teddy bear, clutching him to his chest before setting him down to play with the other toys. I smiled as I watched him. When I finally looked away, I noticed that Sledge was watching me. There was a softness in his eyes I never expected to see again.
When he realized I’d caught him staring, he cleared his throat and said: “Let’s eat.”
We sat on the floor, eating pizza and watching the baby play. Sledge polished off one whole pizza by himself. I ate slowly. I didn’t have much appetite, but I felt better after eating.
The baby crawled over to me and held out his teddy bear. I kissed the bear’s face then kissed the baby’s forehead. He smiled and crawled off.
“How are you going to announce this?” I asked.
“I want to take the baby to the rink and show him where his old man works.”