CHAPTER 16
Diana
I feel cold. I lift my head and look around.
I must have fallen asleep.
I grab my phone and look at the time. 3:37am.
I spin around and sit on the side of my bed. Wow. I was out of it.
I get my bearings before standing up to go downstairs to get something to drink. I think I must have cried out all the fluids in my body. I’ve got the worst case of cottonmouth ever.
I make my way to the kitchen and open the fridge. Apple juice sounds good. I pour a glass and sit at the table. The stillness of the night is just what I need right now. No yelling. No one upset. Just the crickets chirping and me.
I take a few deep breaths in between gulps. Wow, that first glass went down fast.
I pour another and sit back down at the table. I catch myself staring at the wall. I can’t focus right now.
I look around the room. I’ve never really studied it like this before. I notice so many things I’ve never really noticed before. The painting on the wall is a little crooked. The couch is misaligned. Then my eyes scan the table where I’m sitting.
There’s a pile of junk mail, and one piece that isn’t.
I reach for the stack and remove the advertisements quickly. The one real piece of mail is from the doctor’s office.
My results!
I pull the letter up to my chest. “Please say what I want it to say,” I whisper. “Please, please, please.”
I slowly and carefully open the letter. It’s like I’m subconsciously telling myself that if I do it all neat and pretty that I’ll get the result I want.
I pull out the three papers from inside the envelope and take a deep breath before I begin reading.
There are a bunch of numbers and terms that I have no idea what the mean.
I shuffle the pages until I get to the second page. Same thing.
Then I get to the third page. There’s a heading labeled conclusion and next steps.
One hundred percent chance the patient will not be able to conceive.
I stare at the words. If feels like hours go by, but it’s probably just a few seconds. Time stands still until the first tear falls, landing right on those very words.
So, it’s official. I can’t have kids.
Joshua will never want me. I’m broken. Damaged.
I haven’t been this sad since my mom passed.
I can’t be here right now. I just can’t.
I jam the letter back into the envelope and go as quickly as I can back up the stairs without waking my dad.
He’ll find out in the morning. Not about my personal struggle, but what I’m about to do next.
I tap the Uber app on my phone and book a ride to LAX. I’m taking the first flight out back to Boston.
There’s still time left on my lease. I’ll stay there for awhile and just bury myself in my job search.
I can’t deal with all this right now. It’s too much.
And I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. It’s better if I just put this behind me right now, and at least do something with my life.
Three thousand miles away from here. From him. The perfect guy that slipped through my fingers.
CHAPTER 17
Diana
The last thee days have been miserable.
Ever since I arrived back in Boston I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, but it’s not working. My mind wanders. My attention wanes. My focus slips.
Always back to him.
Life didn’t deal me a fair hand. So be it.
I have to get a job and get my life back on track.
There are three months left on my lease. My roommate moved out at the end of the semester so I’ve to the entire place to myself.
No distractions. No romance. No feeling sorry for myself.
Just working on getting started on my life as an adult with a college degree.
The buzzer rings and I rush to the door to buzz in the delivery guy.
I also need to start working out, but that can start tomorrow. First I need a nice clam chowder to bring me back to the place where I spent four years studying.
I open my door a crack and run to my purse to get my money.
“Clam chow-dah,” the voice says just outside my door.
It has a strange, but familiar ring to it.
I guess it’s stuck in my subconscious from all those late nights my roomie and I stayed up studying and then ordered from the all-night delivery place. What a city. You can get seafood at any hour of the day or night, not just lunch like I am about to have now.
“Hold on,” I say. “Grabbing my money.”
“This one’s on the house,” the voice says.
I drop my purse and turn towards the door.
It can’t be.
I stand there stunned before slowly walking to the door.
“You found me?” I say.
“You think we were gong to let you get away?”
When I hear the word “we” my gaze looks down and around the back of my visitor.
Sure enough. She’s there too, her arms wrapped around his leg. Then her little head peaks out from behind.
“Hi Diana.”
My heart melts.
I fall forward into Joshua’s arms, causing him to almost spill my food.
“We intercepted the delivery guy just before he rang the bell. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Are you kidding? This is the best delivery ever!”
CHAPTER 18
Joshua
When I feel her in my arms again I know I’m never going to let her go. Not now. Not ever.
“How did you find me?”
“That first night you babysat Brianna…you brought over some books. One of them had a credit card bill inside with your address on it.”
“Oh yeah. I use mail to mark my place sometimes.”
“Don’t worry though. I didn’t look at the purchases.”
She laughs. “I’m sure they’re not that exciting.”
“Everything is exciting with you. I’d watch paint dry and grass grow all day long, as long as it’s with you.”
She squeezes me tighter.
“I’m so sorry. Come in,” she says.
Brianna and I enter her apartment.
“Brianna, would you like to play for a minute while I talk to Joshua?”
“Okay,” she says.
Diana takes her by the hand and leads her to a bedroom. She’s back not a minute later.
“My roommate’s little cousins visited all the time so there are a lot of games in there. Her eyes lit up when I showed her.”
“Good. You always seem to know exactly how to brighten her day.”
“And you mine.”
I’m speechless. There’s nothing I want more than to give this girl everything. To brighten her days, and nights, forever.
“Can we—” I begin, at the same time she says, “I can’t—”
We both laugh.
“Would you like a glass of water?” she says.
“Sure,” I say.
“Make yourself at home, and I’ll be right back.”
I sit down on the couch and survey the room while she grabs a cup of water. I can imagine her and her roommate living here. It’s so simple, yet so well decorated. There are a few paintings on the wall. There’s some simple furniture. And that’s it. It’s Spartan, built for focusing on studying. The two tables with lamps in the room give it away.
“I bet you got a lot done here,” I say.
“Many a late night was spent right in that chair over there, that’s for sure.”
“I can imagine. I’ve had a few late nights myself recently.”
“I’m sorry I took off the way I did.”
“It’s okay. Your dad was out of line.”
“I know, but it’s more than just that.”
“Well, whatever it is I just want you to know you’ve got my full support, emotional, financial, and otherwise. I’ve got your b
ack.”
“Thanks,” she says. “But it’s something big. Something that might make me not so interesting to you as I once was.”
“Nothing can damper my enthusiasm towards you. Mine or Brianna’s. She looks up to you like both a big sister and a role model. Nothing will bring her mom back, but the truth is right now you’re the best thing she’s got going on in her life…by a long shot.”
“Thank you. She’s really special to me too. I never thought I’d be so close to a child in that way. And now I know, well…”
I see she’s about ready to cry. I put down my water, and wrap her up in a big hug.
The tears flow. I don’t know if she’s been saving them up since that night at my house when her dad showed up unexpectedly or they’ve been turned on for the last three days.
All I know is she needs me, and I need her. And Brianna needs both of us.
In between sobs, she pulls her head away from my chest.
“I…I…can’t…have…kids,” she says as her chest heaves.
“It’s okay,” I say, not fully sure what she’s talking about.
“No. It’s not okay. I’m broken. My body will never allow me to have a child. I went to the doctor for a routine check up. They ran some tests and discovered the condition. It’s why I ran away. One of the reasons at least.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you won’t want me now.”
“I’ll always want you. You know that. That’s why I came here.”
“But I can never give you a family.”
“What do you mean, silly,” I say, tapping her on the nose.
“There are plenty of great kids out there looking for homes. I’m sure we could adopt, if that’s what we want when the time comes.”
The heaving from her chest starts to subside.
“You’d do that for me?”
“I’d do anything for you.”
She throws herself back into my arms and grabs ahold tighter than she ever has before.
“Diana.”
“Yes,” she says in a muffled tone with her head buried in my chest.
“There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Okay,” she says, pulling her head back and wiping the tears away. I reach in with my thumb and wipe away one she missed.
“I can’t have kids either. It’s one of the reasons I became Brianna’s godfather. I mean, I never expected anything to happen to her parents, but in case it did, it made sense. I was her dad’s business partner. We were great friends. And there was no way I could have kids on my own. But of course we never expected anything to actually happen. Who does, right? But here we are. And now that you’ve come into my life in such a big way I see the tremendous amount of pleasure it brings to have a child, whether it’s from my own creation or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that child has every opportunity in life, and it’s supported and loved and cared for, regardless of who participated in the act of creation.”
“You sound funny.”
“What do you mean?”
“Act of creation. You sound like a preacher or something,” she says as she laughs. “On the first day, Diana and Joshua created…nothing together.”
I burst out laughing. “Well, I’m glad you can see the humor in all this.”
“I’m glad you can too.”
“With you by my side I always see the bright side, no matter what. When we’re together there are no rainy days, no matter what obstacles the world throws at us.”
“Can somebody play with me,” Brianna says. I hadn’t noticed her come out of the room.
“Sure sweetie. We’ll be right there,” Diana says.
“See,” I say. I poke Diana playfully in the ribs and speak in a hushed tone. “Even she wants some playmates.”
“Yeah,” Diana says.
We both get up and straighten out our clothes.
“Want to eat your clam chow-dah, and I’ll get a game started?”
“How about we just order more…for all of us,” she says.
“That sounds like a great idea. For all of us,” I say.
CHAPTER 19
Diana
By nine o’clock Brianna’s already passed out, clinging to one side of Joshua’s thick torso. I’m cuddled up on the other, as the final credits to The Lion King flash across the screen. We finished in Boston what we started in California.
“I think all the travel and excitement got to her. Let me carry her off to bed,” he says.
We both get up. Joshua carries her to the spare bedroom while I find her pajamas in her luggage and get her prepared for bed. I know she won’t even remember this in the morning. She’s sleepwalking through the whole process.
I tiptoe out of the room and lock the door behind me, just in case. There’s no way that little munchkin is waking up before morning, but just in case.
“Is this really happening?” Joshua says, as I join him back on the couch.
“Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”
“I think so,” he says.
“Fiiiiinally. We have some time to ourselves.”
“You know I just realized. We’ve been coming together as a little family, but we still haven’t even kissed yet. It’s like we’re putting the cart in front of the horse.”
“Well, we definitely need to rectify that situation.”
Josh’s thumb grazes my cheek before slowly moving a locket of hair that had fallen in front of my face, behind my ear.
I look into his eyes and he’s looking right back. I can see hope in those eyes. I can see the future in those eyes. I can see us.
Just the way that he looks at me tells me this guy is in it for the long haul. He wants me and only me, just the way that I could only ever want him.
His face leans in closer and I feel the heat of his breath and the warmth of his skin.
He stops just short of my lips, and my heart beats faster. I can feel the tiny hairs on my arms stand on end.
I can’t take it anymore. I lean in that last inch at the same time he does and our lips meet.
It’s everything I expected and more. If I could just hold that moment forever I’d be the happiest girl on the planet.
At least that’s what I thought until I feel his fingers run through my hair.
I just want time to stand still, right like this.
And it does. We hold our position. It’s hard to imagine such a big, strong man can be so gentle and sensitive.
I don’t know if that’s his preference, or he’s doing it for me, but I know later things won’t be this tender.
Not that I want them to be. The fireworks from our kiss continue to explode, but there’s a different kind of firework I’m looking forward to just as much. But not our first time. I want it to be slow, drawn-out, and as romantic as can be. Just like this.
CHAPTER 20
Diana
“Clam chow-dah kissers dot com,” he says, after what was easily the longest, and best, kiss of my life.
I laugh. “I didn’t even notice,” I say.
“Me either. I could only taste, feel, and smell you.”
“And me you,” I say.
Joshua grabs me by the waist and gently lays me on my back on the couch. He slides in on top of me, without putting his weight on me.
He gently kisses me again and we pick up right where we left off, except this time roving hand’s can’t be controlled.
I reach up and put my hands on his face. The stubble that’s grown during his flight is masculine and sexy. My hands continue down his rugged jawline and onto his shoulders. I grab a shoulder in each hand and can really feel just how wide and strong he is. He’s built like a tank. He could crush me if he wanted to, but he’s positioned himself so none of his weight is on me. I appreciate his thoughtfulness…for now.
I want to feel all that power, but later.
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