I find the book that Leo picked for me last time we came. The library has too many books to choose from, so Leo had to pick for me. It’s a book called Mr. Bones, about a skeleton who’s like a normal real person. He walks around his regular house and you can see how all his bones move and work.
I look at Mr. Bones’s face and remember how I used to sit in the dark with Mother when her head was hurting. We sat on my bed with the lights off and the shades pulled down.
If I looked at her face for a long time, I could see her bones underneath.
At the end of the book, there’s a picture of Mr. Bones standing up tall with his arms hanging down at his sides. His hands are turned out so his palms face forward. All of Mr. Bones’s bones are labeled.
On the phone, Ms. Lambert says, Sebby, I would really like it if you came back to school.
I don’t know what to say. I look at Cass and hold out the phone for her to take.
You talk, I tell her.
Cass shakes her head no. You, she says.
I put the phone back up to my ear. I can hear Ms. Lambert humming. Her voice sounds pretty.
Talk, Cass tells me.
Ms. Lambert, I say into the phone.
Yes, she says.
What day should I come back? I ask.
Well, says Ms. Lambert, how about if you come next Wednesday? That will give you some time to get ready, she says, and we’ll see how the day goes.
Four days, I say.
Right, Ms. Lambert says, Wednesday’s in four days.
Where are you? I ask her.
She laughs.
I’m at home, she says.
I don’t know where Ms. Lambert’s home is or what it looks like.
I’ll see you on Wednesday, Ms. Lambert says.
Yes, I tell her.
Good-bye, she says.
Good-bye, I say. I wait for the sound of her hanging up and then I hold out the phone for Cass to take.
The social worker, Mrs. Alden, shakes our hands. Cass’s first, then Leo’s, then mine. She holds my hand the longest. Mrs. Alden has small, close-together gray eyes and a big, round circle face. I smile at her. Cass told me to keep smiling.
We take her into the family room to sit on the couch. Cass pulls me next to her and Mrs. Alden sits on the other side of me. She smells spicy like gingerbread. Leo’s standing up with his hands in his pockets.
Can I get you something to drink, he asks, tea or coffee?
Mrs. Alden says, A glass of water, please.
Cass tells Mrs. Alden that Dad’s doing well in the hospital. We’re going to see him tomorrow, she says, and Sebby’s going back to school on Wednesday. I can give you the school’s number, says Cass, if you want to call his teacher—her name is Ms. Lambert.
Leo comes back then with a glass of water and the plateful of peanut butter cookies. He sets them down on the table in front of Mrs. Alden.
Thank you, she says to Leo. I understand you’re doing very well in school.
Yes, he says.
And you have some good friends there, I hope? Mrs. Alden asks him.
Leo nods. Some, he says.
Do your friends come over often? she asks.
Not really, says Leo, I get busy with work, you know, lots of homework.
Mrs. Alden take a sip of water. Her lipstick sticks to the glass and makes a pink smile. She turns to me.
Do you want to go back to school, Sebastian? she asks.
I know what to say. Yes, I tell her, I like my teacher.
I watch how Mrs. Alden’s hand reaches forward and breaks off a piece of peanut butter cookie. She has small, pink hands with clean fingernails. I like how her hands look.
Cass pats my back two times.
Do you want to see my room? I ask Mrs. Alden.
Sure, she says and smiles at me without showing her teeth.
Mrs. Alden holds on to the railing and goes slow up the stairs. I wait for her at the top. In my room, I show her my toys. The wooden cars and the wooden blocks for building things and my card games.
Mrs. Alden asks me if I like to read books.
I show her the book What Do People Do All Day? She sits down with me on the bed and I turn the pages so she can see the pictures.
Do you have a favorite page? she asks.
I shake my head, no.
I used to look at all the pictures every night before I went to bed, I tell her.
Mrs. Alden nods. I like to read at night, too, she says, it helps me sleep.
Her spicy gingerbread smell is getting all over my room, but that’s okay. It’s a good smell. I look at the loose skin under her chin and I think it would feel soft and nice to touch.
At the library, I read the Mr. Bones book, I say.
Oh, says Mrs. Alden, I don’t know that one—is it good?
Yes, I tell her, Mr. Bones stands like this.
I get up to show her how Mr. Bones stands with his arms by his sides and his palms facing out.
He has lines pointing all over him that say the names of his bones, I tell her. I look at my watch. It says 2:46 PM.
I tell Mrs. Alden, it’s two-forty-six.
Do you want to go back downstairs? she asks.
Yes, I say. I follow her out of my room and walk behind her down the steps. We go really slowly.
Cass and Leo are waiting for me there at the bottom.
I want to take the cat with us to visit Dad, but Cass says no. She says the hospital won’t let us.
Besides that, she says, Cham hates the car.
I sit in the middle of the backseat. I’m holding the plate of cookies wrapped in tinfoil on my lap. I put my hand on the warm tinfoil.
In the car, we don’t talk very much.
Well, Cass says and then she doesn’t say anything else. She puts on the news radio and turns down the volume so you can’t really hear the voices talking.
I bet we could’ve brought the cat in a bag and snuck him in, says Leo.
Yes, I say.
Shit, Cass says to Leo, you don’t know how loud that cat can be.
At the hospital, Cass drives around the parking lot twice and then parks in the last row, away from all the other cars. We just sit for a minute. Leo gets out first and then I get out. I’m holding the plate of cookies. The tinfoil is shining bright in my eyes.
Cass walks close to me with her hand on my back, and inside, she pushes me with her to a high desk where there’s a woman wearing light blue hospital clothes. I look back at Leo. He’s staring down at his feet.
Stephen Lane, says Cass.
Yes, says the woman and she takes us to a blue room.
Dad’s sitting on a soft, blue chair. His bad hand is wrapped in a bandage and his beard is shaved off. His face looks soft and new like a baby face.
Cass pulls me over to the blue couch with her. I hold the plate of cookies on my lap. We look at Leo standing by the door, biting his lip. He comes and sits down next to me.
It’s good to see you guys, Dad says.
Yeah, says Leo. He leans forward and grabs a very green plastic plant off the table in front of us. He shakes it and then laughs at it.
We miss you, Cass tells Dad.
Leo’s holding the plastic plant on his lap, pinching and poking at its leaves. What’s the point of these things? he asks. I mean, everyone knows they’re fake, he says.
Dad leans back in his blue chair and puts his feet up on the table. He’s not wearing any shoes, but he has on clean white socks.
I’ve gained seven pounds, Dad says, and I’m feeling better.
That’s great, says Cass. She lets go of my hand.
I’m staring at Dad’s feet. I want to touch his new socks. I want to sit with Dad in his soft blue chair. I want to touch his new face.
Sebby’s going back to school, says Cass. She looks up at the ceiling. This lighting is terrible, she says.
Dad looks up at the ceiling, too. He shrugs, then looks at me.
Good for you, he says, I’m proud of you.
I br
ing him the plate of cookies and he peels back the tinfoil.
Wow, he says.
This lighting makes skin greenish, Cass says. She’s holding out her arm, looking at her skin.
We’re in a goddamn hospital, says Leo, what do you expect?
Cass turns to him and rolls her eyes. He’s still holding the plastic plant on his lap.
Then I jump on Dad. A big puff of air and a low noise comes out of him.
Sebby! Cass yells at me. She stands up. What are you doing? she says. You have to be careful.
I’m okay, Dad says. He holds up his bad hand and puts his elbow down on the big arm of the chair. Dad’s breath smells like toothpaste.
I scoot back into his lap and that makes the plate of cookies fall.
Shit, Cass says. Sebby, for Christ’s sake.
Cass gets down on the floor to clean up. She sets the plate on the table and starts picking up pieces of cookie, putting them back on the plate. Dad tries to lean forward to help her, but he can’t really, because I’m on his lap.
Cass says, I got it, Dad.
I put my hand on Dad’s cheek. It feels soft and cool.
Dad, I say, do you want to come home with us now? The cat is at home, I tell him.
He can’t, says Leo. He puts the plant back on the table and moves it so it’s in the right place.
How’s the cat? Dad asks me.
Good, I say.
Dad’s watching Leo.
How you doing? Dad asks him.
Fine, Leo says, school’s fine, everything’s fine.
There’s a knock on the door and then it opens. The woman in blue hospital clothes smiles and tells us the visit is half over. She closes the door again and leaves us alone.
You know about Somalia? Cass asks.
Yes, says Dad, Operation Restore Hope.
At the bike store, I pick out a green ten-speed. The green paint sparkles like the kind of sidewalk that has pieces of glass mixed in.
Good choice, says Leo.
The bike store man takes it off the rack for me. He says, Do you want to try it in the parking lot?
I tell him no.
Are you sure? he asks.
I nod at him. He’s wearing the tight kind of clothes for riding bikes, so I can see how big his muscles are.
Leo finds a green and brown camouflage helmet. He puts it on me and tightens the straps. Then he knocks on my head three times. Knock, knock, knock. I can’t feel anything.
I’m putting all my pictures in a red photo album. This was Ms. Lambert’s idea. She said that if I wanted to, I could make an album and then bring in my pictures to show her. She called this morning to make sure I’m going back to school tomorrow, because tomorrow is Wednesday. It has been four days.
All of my pictures only fill up seven pages, I tell Cass. I counted and the album has fifty pages.
You can take more, Cass says.
I walk around the house to see if I want to take more pictures or not. I try to look for bright spots where Mother touched that haven’t been touched by anyone else yet. If I can find a bright spot, then I will take more pictures.
I’m looking all over. They’re hard to find. I look in Mother’s room and inside her closet. I look in Mother’s bathroom and then I find one on the tile wall above the bathtub. It’s big, the size of a whole handprint.
I get my camera and take a picture of the bright spot. I write the time, 3:14 pm, and the date, December 12.
Cass! I yell.
In here, she says. She’s sitting at the kitchen table reading her college book.
Now I have to take a picture of your face, I tell her.
She puts her book down on her lap.
Okay, she says. Smiling or not?
Just regular, I tell her.
The square photo comes out of the camera and I shake it dry. I write, Cass, 3:22 pm, December 12.
I know it’s almost time for Leo to be home. I stand by the door with my camera, ready to take a picture of his face. I have to wait and wait, so in my head I think of more pictures to take: Mother’s shoes in her closet, Leo’s messy bed, the place in the backyard where I buried the piece of Styrofoam.
Then I hear Leo coming. He opens the door and I take a picture.
Hey, he says, what’s going on?
In the picture, Leo’s looking up at the ceiling. His face is red from the cold outside.
The classroom is decorated for winter with blue and white paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling. When I left, it was still decorated for fall.
There’s a card for me in my desk. The card has flowers and a tree on it—the kind that Mica draws. She’s the best artist, so the drawing is very good and all the coloring-in is neat. In blue letters, the card says, Welcome Back, and inside it says, We Missed YOU! Everyone in class had to write their name. Katya wrote her name like a rainbow with every letter a different color. Ms. Lambert wrote in black pen and drew a little cat face.
The card makes me feel bad. I want to rip up Mica’s flowers and her tree, too. I want to rip up all the names of everyone in class. I hide the card at the bottom of my desk.
Come on, Katya says. She’s waiting for me by the door.
We walk to the cafeteria for lunch and sit together at one of the long tables.
Are you okay? she asks me. She brushes down the back of my hair with her hand.
I don’t answer.
Since we can’t play outside in the snow, half of the cafeteria is for eating and board games and the other half is for running and playing with balls. The room is too loud and the lights shining down make the floor very bright. I want to cover my ears and duck under the table to hide from all the balls flying around.
The girl named Jessica comes and stands in front of me.
Why were you gone? she asks. She has a purple fruit roll-up wrapped around one of her fingers.
Leave him alone, says Katya.
Jessica puts her fruit roll-up finger in her mouth and stares at us.
Go away, Katya tells her.
What, is he your baby? asks Jessica. When he cries do you hug him and kiss him and hold him like a baby? She turns around then and goes away. Her long blond hair hangs all the way down her back.
Katya’s eating pieces of apple. She eats all the white part off and then puts the green skins back in her plastic Baggie. I look in my lunch and take out my turkey sandwich. The mayonnaise made the bread get mushy, so I carry it over to the brown trash can and drop it in.
Hello, says the lunch-duty lady who watches everyone eat.
Hi, I say. I don’t look up at her. I know what she looks like. She has gray hair that sticks out in two sharp pigtails.
I’m glad you came back, she tells me.
I nod at her legs. She’s wearing big pants that have red flowers all over them.
I go sit down next to Katya and open my bag of chips.
Can I have one? she asks me.
I hold out the bag to her and she takes more than one. I think about the card hiding in the bottom of my desk. I know it’s there. I want to rip up Katya’s rainbow name.
You’re okay? asks Katya.
Leave me alone, I say and I walk away. I walk out of the cafeteria and back to Ms. Lambert’s room. The door is open, so I go in. Ms. Lambert’s not there. Nobody’s there.
I take the card out of my desk and put it in the trash can at the front of the room. I look at the card in the trash and then I take it out. I rip it up into pieces. More and more pieces. I keep ripping it up.
Cass is waiting for me on the front steps.
How was school? she asks.
I lean my bike against the house.
I’m tired, I say. I want to be by myself in my room.
Are you hungry? asks Cass.
I do feel hungry, but I want to be by myself. Not now, I tell her.
I go upstairs to my room and close the door. Then I sit down on the floor. I take my photo album out of my backpack and look at all the pictures.
When I clos
e my eyes and lie down, I can see all the pictures in my head, and even though I lost it, I can see the picture of Mother’s face laughing. I can see her for as long as I want.
Sebby, says Cass’s voice.
I don’t say anything. I open my eyes and watch the door open.
Here, Cass says. She puts the cat down on the floor and then leaves. The cat’s looking at me.
I pat my chest twice to tell him to come. He steps up onto my chest and pushes his face into my chin. I close my eyes and I can see Mother. Her face is happy.
The cat lets me pick him up. I carry him over to my bed and he sits next to me with his head resting on my leg. I read The Guinness Book of World Records. I’m on page 22, the part about Largest Bones.
At school, I have to take a break. I go to the girls’ bathroom because the boys don’t flush, so their bathroom smells bad. If you don’t hold your breath in there then the smell gets stuck in the back of your throat.
I look around to make sure nobody’s watching. Then I listen and I don’t hear any sounds inside so I pull open the door and I can see the bathroom’s empty. I run to the stall all the way at the back and lock myself in. It’s echoey quiet. What I do is stand up on the toilet so my feet don’t show, take off my glasses, and push my forehead against the cold tile wall. In the girls’ bathroom, the tiles are pink and yellow. My eyes are closed so I can’t see the pink and yellow, but I know the colors are there.
I think of a song. I think of the song “Crimson and Clover” and I make the words come into my head so I can hear them. Then I stop pushing my forehead against the tile and I feel light inside, like I am the song. I am just the song.
I have my pencil in my hand. I take a folded-up piece of paper out of my pocket and hold it against the wall. I write, My head is a camera.
Dear Ms. Lambert,
If I make my head like a camera, then I can see Mother. I see the picture of her that I lost. I know time is going, but in my head, I can make time stop still.
Mother felt time going away from her. I know how Mother walked in circles around the white house. She walked forward for two hours and then backward for two hours. Then forward again and then backward. The backward circles were to erase the forward circles. She wanted to start over.
Up High in the Trees Page 17