All day, Rachel had found herself in the worst turmoil of her life. She seesawed violently between telling Cade the truth and trying to build lies once more to cover her reaction at seeing the picture of Dirk on the table. The weight on her shoulders pressed down upon her to such a degree that Rachel felt as if she could barely get a breath into or out of her body. Pushing the coffee cup away, she nervously folded her hands. Oh, God! What should I do?
“Cade,” Rachel began, a wobble in her voice, “what I’m going to share with you is…is shocking… And I’ll understand if you want me to go once you hear it.” Rachel saw his gray eyes widen in surprise. How ruggedly handsome Cade was in his dark green flannel cowboy shirt and jeans. His stubble was always dark by evening and it gave him a dangerous and alluring look that she had come to love. Yes, Rachel admitted, she was falling in love with Cade.
Sitting back, Cade rested his hands on his thighs. “What’s going on?” He felt the tension around them. The set of her mouth told him she held some terrible secret.
Cade’s face was set. Suddenly, Rachel feared telling him the truth. Her handler, Brenda, had put the fear of God into her about ever telling anyone. Sometimes, Rachel realized, rules had to be broken for the good of all. She simply couldn’t go on putting this family in jeopardy.
Dragging in a deep breath of air and spreading her hands before her on the table, Rachel began. The more she told Cade, the more she saw his brows draw down. She thought as she was about to tell him the worst, about losing Sarah, that she could speak about it. Instead, her throat closed up on her.
“I—uh, give me a moment, Cade.” She tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.
“What else?” he demanded in a strangled tone.
The look on his face was hard. As if he were a deputy sheriff with a suspect. It didn’t matter. The truth had to come out. “After Dirk put me in the hospital and I lost…I lost my baby, Sarah…” Suddenly, Rachel sobbed. No matter how much she tried to throttle back the reaction, it just wouldn’t be stopped.
Cade heard the raw grief in her off-key voice. “Oh, God, no….” Cade sat there stunned. His head swam with memories. Of Rachel loving Jenny. Of her telling him all she wanted was a family and children. Now, it all made sense. In an instant, he was on his feet and pulling her out of the chair. Cade wrapped his arms around her and felt her tremble violently. Without a word, he pressed Rachel’s head to his shoulder and simply held her.
All the years of never being able to let it all go hit her hard. With Cade’s strong, protective arms around her, the tears flooded out of her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. The gentle stroke of his hand barely grazing her hair just made her cry all the more. Rachel had no idea how long the sounds of loss and grief tore out from the depths of her soul. The man holding her was strong, steady and caring. The opposite of Dirk Payson.
Finally, the storm passed and Rachel pulled out of his arms enough to look up at him. What she saw pulverized her raw, bleeding heart. He had tracks of tears down his cheeks, his mouth was drawn in at the corners. He was crying for her. For her loss of Sarah. And when he lifted his hand and his fingers grazed her dampened cheeks, Rachel closed her eyes. A ragged sigh escaped her contorted lips.
“You never deserved what happen to you,” Cade told her in a whisper, his own voice unsteady.
His mind whirled with problems. Payson was on the loose. He and his family were in danger. His heart pounded with fear. Fear for Rachel, for his family. What should he do?
“I’ve put all of you in danger,” Rachel whispered. She pulled out of his arms, wiped the tears from her face and stared up at Cade. “I’m so sorry. It was wrong of me to do this to you. I—I tried to tell my FBI handler it was wrong. But she said I was fine here.”
Cade’s slow-burning anger took over. It wasn’t aimed at Rachel so much as the FBI. “When you’re in the witness protection program, everyone you deal with can be in danger.”
“Yes,” Rachel whispered. She felt all the fight go out of her. “I need to leave, Cade. Now.”
“No!”
The word was spoken so sharply that Rachel jumped. Cade’s eyes narrowed.
She pressed her hand to her heart. “Cade, I love Jenny and your family too much to put you at risk.” She wanted to say, I love you, but couldn’t. Instead, she watched as he digested the whole messy situation.
“I’m putting all of you in danger. You know that,” she added.
Cade held up his hand. “Give me a moment. I need to think through this, Rachel.”
She went to the sink and sniffed. Outside, the April sky was blue with bright sunshine. As beautiful as it was, she felt awful inside. Gripping the sink, the tile cool beneath her damp fingers, she said, “I’ve lied to you, Cade. I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t want to do it to you.”
“I know,” he answered irritably. Pacing the length of the kitchen, Cade tried to push his feelings aside and think coldly and logically. His heart swung from abject fear of losing Rachel to the fact she’d lied. And by lying, she’d put everyone in his family in the crosshairs of Payson’s gun. Rachel wanted to leave.
“Where would you go?” he demanded abruptly.
Rachel turned around and faced him. “I’m not sure. I’d have to talk to Brenda and find out.”
Cade gritted his teeth. “I hate this.”
“Me, too.” Rachel wished she’d never said yes to coming here in the first place. The love she had for Cade would never leave her heart. She felt herself spiraling down into a black pit. She had no one but herself to blame.
“You can’t go,” he said, his hands resting on his hips. “Jenny has bonded with you.”
Shocked, Rachel stared at him. “Are you serious?”
“You can’t leave. Jenny needs you.” Cade almost blurted, I need you. But he didn’t. He searched her features.
Closing her eyes, Rachel fought his words. Jenny! Oh, God, what a mess! She met his gaze. “Dirk is a loose cannon, Cade. I don’t want what he did to me done to anyone else. Especially Jenny—or you…”
Cade wanted to tell her how he really felt, but he put a steel grip on himself. She had enough to handle right now. Never had he thought something like this could happen to him. “There’s more than us involved in this, Rachel. My mother and father have to know.” He saw her face crumple with guilt.
“You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell them. I owe them an apology, too. I know they’ll hate me for what I’ve done….” She chewed on her lower lip, all the guilt from the past months like a weight on her shoulders.
“Enough,” Cade snapped. “This isn’t settled—at all. We need to talk with them. It’s their ranch. Their lives.” He breathed raggedly wondering how they were going to react. It hurt to see more tears come to Rachel’s eyes. “Look,” he said, “this isn’t your fault. I know that. I’m in law enforcement. But my parents may not understand that you didn’t deliberately lie to them. They aren’t familiar with the witness protection program.”
Blinking back the tears, Rachel whispered brokenly, “I’m so sorry, Cade. I’ve hurt all of you. I never meant to, I really didn’t…I—I’ve fallen in love with—” and she stopped the words from tumbling out of her mouth. She watched as his eyes widened, and then grew feral.
Another wave of shock washed over Cade as he stared at her. Was Rachel going to say she’d fallen in love with him? She’d already said she loved Jenny. Who was left? Staggered by the nearly blurted admission, he swiftly took strides over to where she stood. Rachel looked pathetically vulnerable, her arms wrapped tightly around her body, the tears in her eyes. His hands fell on her shoulders. “I want to help you, Rachel. My parents aren’t stupid. I know they love you. Everyone’s been happy since you got here.” He stared into her ravaged eyes. “We can support you until Payson’s recaptured and back in prison.”
His hands felt incredibly steadying. There was such quiet strength in Cade. “I…yes, I’d like that.” Rachel felt his narrowed gaze burning into hers. “I—I
’m so afraid for you, Jenny and your family. I know Dirk. He’s a sociopath. He has no conscience, Cade! If he found me here, he’d kill anyone he found beside me.”
Against his better judgment, Cade drew Rachel against him once again. He couldn’t stand to see her cry like this. His jaw rested against her silky hair. “I don’t know how you’ve carried this all by yourself since it happened. You’re stronger than you realize, Rachel.”
Pressing her face into his shirt, Rachel gripped him hard, as if to lose him would be to lose her grip on sanity. “I’m not strong, Cade. I feel weak. Defenseless. I know Dirk. He’s a chameleon. He changes his appearance. I’ve seen him do it, although at the time he lied about why he was doing it, and I just swallowed his explanations.”
Easing his fingers down along her tense spine, Cade wanted to absorb some of her fear and grief. “Look, his kind always manipulates others. You are the innocent in all of this, Rachel. You were only eighteen at the time he hooked you in and used you.” Cade’s heart was in chaos. His mind tumbled with shock. Never had he expected such tragedy from Rachel. She seemed ordinary, normal and was a loving human being. Yet, she had carried this nightmare within her. Cade’s respect for her internal strength grew moment by moment as he absorbed the entire story of her rocky life.
Rachel was warmed by Cade’s embrace. She loved him without question. That scared Rachel even more now: did Cade love her? How could he? She had such a shameful past. And she presented a threat right now to all he loved: Jenny and his parents. Rachel couldn’t grasp how Cade would allow her to stay here under his roof and protection. She pulled away enough to see his face. There was such seriousness in it, in the way his mouth was compressed, in the anxiousness in his gray eyes. Yet, his arms, oh, God, his arms felt so good to her!
“Listen, there’s more we need to talk about,” she quavered, searching his eyes. “Every moment here I feel like I’m putting all of you in jeopardy, Cade. I—I just couldn’t stand seeing anyone else killed by Dirk. I couldn’t bear it.” Her voice cracked.
Nodding, Cade whispered, “Come with me. Let’s sit on the couch together. We’ll look at all of this and figure it out.”
As they sat down, Rachel’s knee grazed his. She cleared her throat. “Cade, I’m a danger to your world. My God, you just lost Abby and your baby daughter. Now, I come in here under a layer of lies, and I have placed you, Jenny and your parents in an even more dangerous place. Don’t you see that?”
“Rachel, I might see it that way if I weren’t in law enforcement. First off, I think the right thing to do is get Mom and Dad over here after dinner and tell them everything. They need to make up their own mind about this. We will abide by their wishes.”
“If I were them,” Rachel said unsteadily, “I’d tell me to leave now.”
Cade shrugged. “You’re seeing only one side to this, Rachel, and I understand that.” He added, “There are advantages to being here, too. If my parents approve of you staying, then they can be alert for strangers coming to our ranch. Forewarned is forearmed.”
“Well,” Rachel said, drawing in a ragged breath, “I don’t see how they would want me to stay. I’ve lied to them, too.”
“Rachel, you had to keep your cover,” Cade offered, giving her a searching look. “I know enough about the FBI program to know they put the fear of God in you about never blowing your cover.”
“I—I just couldn’t keep lying to you, Cade. I like you too much. I love my life here. I love Jenny. And your parents are incredibly wonderful to me.”
Nodding, Cade bit back so many personal words he wanted to share with her. Right now was not a good time. He had to concentrate on Rachel and help ease her out of this world she’d carried silently on her shoulders for so many years. “We all love you, too. It’s mutual, Rachel.” Cade kept the we light so that she didn’t read it the wrong way. God knew, he wanted to tell her of the love he’d discovered for her. “I believe my parents will want you to stay.”
Rachel wiped her eyes, feeling miserable. “I don’t see why any of you would.”
“I do.” The words, the need to hold her nearly ate him alive, but he kept his hands in his lap.
“If they let me stay, what then, Cade? Are you okay with me living here and taking care of Jenny? Should I move out? Live in town? Or just disappear?”
Cade gave her a level, serious look. “No to all the above. I want you here, Rachel. You’ve given us so much. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to coming home after a shift. You have no idea of the dark world I lived in until you walked into our lives.” He placed his other hand over hers. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“But I’m putting you and Jenny in danger!” Her voice cracked, and Rachel felt herself getting swallowed up once more by fear for their lives.
Cade patted her hand. “Once we find out what my parents’ decision is and if they want you to stay here, I’ll contact Brenda, your FBI handler.”
Rolling her eyes, Rachel whispered, “Oh, God, Cade! She’ll hit the roof! She’ll be so angry and disappointed in me. She once warned me that if I blew my cover, they would drop me out of the program and wash their hands of me.”
Looking into her pale, drawn features, Cade understood the risk that Rachel had taken for him and his family. “You have the heart of a lioness, strong morals and values, Rachel. You did the right thing in telling me. I don’t always agree with the FBI or their rules on things like this. There are a lot of gray areas that the FBI would rather ignore. And this situation is one of them. No, I think you did the right thing.”
“But, if they drop me, I won’t have their protection and help like I did before. I worry about my mother most of all. Have I jeopardized her, too? I’m so scared, Cade.”
“I know you are,” he said, fingers trailing down her cheek and jaw. It was so easy to touch Rachel. How badly Cade wanted to draw her into his arms, carry her to his bed and love her. He could see her need in her eyes. Cade had to remain strong and steady for her right now. Making love to Rachel was not where this needed to go. He hoped there would be a time in their future when he could court her as she deserved.
“If Mom and Dad feel endangered by you being here, then we’ll move you into town. I don’t have a problem with that. And I respect whatever their needs are. This is their home.”
“What are you saying?”
“If they want you to leave, we’ll find a house and move into it—the three of us.” Cade saw the shock in her eyes. Her lips parted. “Rachel, I like what we have. I believe you’re safe here. Based upon what you’ve told me, Payson isn’t going to think of Wyoming to hunt for you. The FBI was smart in placing you here. I’ll talk with my captain, and we can put out an extra alert throughout the sheriffs’ organization to stay on top of strangers coming into Jackson Hole. We can circulate his poster to every business in town. And we have a good working relationship with the police of Jackson Hole. They’ll be with us on this. We can cover your back. If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t be offering these kinds of solutions. The last thing I want to do is put Jenny in the line of fire.”
Rachel absorbed his ideas and possible plans. “I thought…” and she opened her hands, her voice trailing into a shaky whisper “…that you would tell me to leave.”
Shaking his head, Cade gave her a slight, one-cornered smile. “No, Rachel. I know this isn’t the time or place, but you’re special to me and Jenny. That little girl dotes on you. You’ve got to know that.”
“I do. On some days I think she was sent to comfort me for the loss of Sarah.”
Cade reached out and settled his hand on her shoulder. “Jenny is helping you to heal from that terrible loss, Rachel. She’s good for both of us in that way.”
“You’ve lost so much more than I have,” Rachel choked out. “And now I’ve saddled you all over again. I’ve brought a killer and drug dealer to your doorstep.”
“I don’t see it that way.” Cade allowed his hand to trail down her arm and enclose her hand. He
r fingers were damp and cold. His hand was warm. “You’ve brought laughter, warmth and happiness back into this cold house. Now, I call it a home again. You have no idea how much I look forward to getting off duty to see you and the baby. It means the world to me, Rachel. It’s as if by coming here, you gave me life once more. And Jenny…well, she lost her parents to tragedy and like a guardian angel, you stepped in to become her mother.”
Hearing the barely concealed emotions in his husky voice, Rachel could only drown in his stormy gray eyes. Cade gulped several times as if to swallow a lump of tears struck in his throat. “Oh, Cade.” She turned and slid her arms around his neck. Without thinking, Rachel fell into his waiting arms, his embrace powerful and protective. Closing her eyes, she laid her head on his chest and heard his heart beating like a solid, steady drum beneath her ear. The sound was incredibly stabilizing to her. At last, the truth was out and Cade hadn’t spurned her. Or become angry at her. As his hands moved in reassuring strokes down her back, Rachel released a long breath of air. And with it went the fear and anxiety. Cade wanted her here, with him. With his adopted daughter.
“Listen,” Cade told her gruffly, his lips against her hair, “our homes have been broken. We’ve suffered a lot. But by coming into my life, Rachel, you’ve given me the hope I thought I’d never feel again. You’ve given Jenny a mother. I want you to realize how much you mean to us.”
Sliding her hand across his firm, hard chest, Rachel whispered, “I’m beginning to understand, Cade. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think you’d react to what happened like this. You’re one in a million of the men out there. I really thought you’d want me to leave.”
Closing his eyes, Cade pressed a chaste kiss to Rachel’s soft, fragrant hair. “Not a chance, sweet woman of mine. Not even possible. I want you to hang on to one thing—we’ll get through this together, Rachel. Life is never easy. And it’s often damned demanding and even cruel to people. The one thing we have in our favor is we like one another.” Swallowing hard, Cade had wanted to say love but didn’t dare. “We have each other. We can hold one another when we’re scared or anxious. We can talk openly and without fear of recrimination by the other, Rachel. We have so much already. I hope you see that. And that realization should give you a rock to cling to no matter what life throws at us in the weeks and months ahead.”
Deadly Identity Page 17