by Amber Garza
“Sorry,” I mumble, and reach for the glass door. It dings as I push it open. When I look back up at Hadley she’s wearing a perplexed expression. This night is turning into a nightmare. The minute Hadley and I enter, Paige’s eyebrows shoot up from where she stands behind the counter wearing a pink apron around her waist. It matches the pink streak down her hair. Colt is sitting on a barstool at the counter, and he swivels in our direction.
In an effort to break through the tension, I step forward. “Hey, Colt.”
Colt takes my cue by jumping down from the barstool and slapping my hand. “Hey, man. Glad you could make it.”
I’m so grateful to Colt right now I could hug him. But I don’t. No need to make anything weirder. “Yeah, thanks for inviting me.”
Paige shoots Colt a confused look. Hadley walks to the display case and peers inside. Her reflection appears on the glass, and her beauty renders me speechless. I stare and wonder again how I survived all these years without her. And then I know this was a bad idea. If I spend too much time with her I won’t be able to give her up a second time. It will kill me.
“I need to pick up a chocolate cupcake for Adam and a lemon one for Ainsley,” Hadley says to Paige.
“Already have them ready.” Paige winks.
When Hadley gives Paige a surprised look, she shrugs. “They’re creatures of habit. They always get the same thing.”
“How is that possible? I like to try something new every time.” Hadley rubs her palms together, still studying the array of colorful cupcakes behind the glass.
“I guess they’re not as adventurous as you.” By the tone of Paige’s voice I can tell she’s being sarcastic. Besides, I know Hadley, and unless she’s changed a lot, she’s not the adventurous type.
“Yeah, poor kids,” Hadley jokes back, a slight chuckle under her words. “I want to try this birthday cake one.”
“Good choice.” Paige reaches inside and pulls out a white cupcake smothered in pink frosting and sprinkles.
My stomach rumbles, and I move toward the case. “I’ll try the same one.”
“Okay.” Paige picks one out for me too. Then she looks up at Hadley. “Anything else?”
“I should get something for my mom and Rob.”
“I know what they like.” Paige grabs out a cupcake with orange frosting and a chocolate one with checkered frosting.
“And I’ll take a double chocolate one for my mom.” I point in the direction of it.
“Your mom always did have a weakness for chocolate.” Hadley smiles. “How is she doing?”
“She’s really good, actually.”
While Paige boxes up the cupcakes, Hadley leans her back against the glass case. “What about your brother?”
“He just got married. That’s actually why we moved back.”
“Wow, that’s really cool.” Hadley grins, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes, and it makes me feel bad. I know what she’s thinking. My brother didn’t even have a girlfriend back when we were together. I think everyone assumed I would get married before him. I know that my family was pretty shocked when I ended things with Hadley. Mom took it almost as hard as I did. She really thought Hadley would one day be her daughter-in-law.
“Are you planning to clean that?” Paige indicates the glass that Hadley is pressed against.
Hadley giggles. “Not unless you’re paying me.” Then she pushes herself up.
“I am.” Paige thrusts a pink box at her friend. “With cupcakes.” Then she throws a rag in our direction. “So wipe it up.”
I catch the rag before Hadley can. “I’ll do it. You go sit down and have your cupcake.”
Hadley nods with appreciation, but Paige looks at me suspiciously. Not that I blame her. She’s always been so protective of Hadley. I’m actually really glad that Hadley has her in her life. It comforts me to know someone is looking out for her.
Colt slaps a hand on my shoulder. “Sorry. My girlfriend can be a little bossy.”
I laugh but don’t dare look in Paige’s direction.
“But it’s okay, baby,” He croons, making his way to the counter. “I love it.”
I hear them kiss, but again I don’t look. It makes me miss what I used to have with Hadley. My gaze travels to her, sitting on a barstool hunched over her cupcake. Frosting paints her nose when she takes a bite, and she discreetly wipes it with her hand. I swirl the rag over the glass until the smudges are gone. Then I hand the rag back to Paige before heading over to Hadley. I take the seat next to her, and then reach into the box, plucking out my cupcake. Lifting it to my lips, I take a bite. It’s creamy and buttery, and melts in my mouth.
“Wow, you weren’t kidding. I didn’t think these could get any better, but I was wrong.”
Hadley looks at me and starts giggling.
“What?” My face flames.
She reaches out her hand and runs a finger over my cheek. “You’re covered in frosting.”
Her touch feels so good that I stay completely still, afraid to mess up the moment. She doesn’t pull her finger away, just continues to wipe off the frosting. When I can tell she’s finished, I panic and grab her hand to hold it in place. Her eyes lock with mine and grow serious. We stay that way for a minute, just staring into each other’s eyes. Then loud throat clearing behind us breaks through the moment. Hadley yanks her hand out of my grasp, a guilty look cloaking her face. I could seriously kill Paige right now.
Hadley swings off of the barstool and stands up. “I really need to get home.” She keeps her gaze trained on her shoes.
“Okay. I’ll take you.” I stand up too.
“It’s okay. I can get a ride with Colt.”
“No, Hadley. I brought you here. I’ll take you home,” I insist.
“Yeah,” Colt says. “Besides, I’m going to stay a little longer.”
I flash Colt a grateful look, while Paige shoots daggers at him with her eyes. As Hadley and I leave, I don’t envy Colt. I’m sure Paige is going to give him hell for not taking Hadley home. But I’m thankful. I definitely owe the guy.
Eleven
Hadley
I’ve got to get away from Tripp.
As we drive down the street, I find it difficult to breathe. His proximity is making me feel things I shouldn’t. And why the hell did I wipe frosting from his face? What was I thinking? We’re not together anymore. I need to remember that. Something about being around Tripp makes me feel like I’ve gone back in time. It just all feels too familiar.
“Hadley,” he says my name and it causes a chill to run up my spine. I always loved the way he said my name, like it was something precious to him.
I force myself to look at him, and then I wish I hadn’t. His face is so familiar and perfect. It’s this face that I’ve missed so much I could hardly stand it. Looking at it now makes it all so real. Tripp is here now, and I can’t be with him. Not like I want to. It’s been hard enough to daydream about him, but this is just too much.
“I’m sorry if coming with you tonight made you uncomfortable. It’s just that once I saw you again I couldn’t help myself. I wanted more time with you.” He faces forward again and continues driving.
I swallow hard. His words catch me off guard. Why would he want more time with me? Isn’t he the one who ended things? “No, it was nice actually,” I finally say.
“Yeah, it kind of was, huh?”
“It was like old times.”
“Except for the awkwardness.”
“True.” I laugh lightly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Things between us were never awkward.”
“No. It was always as easy as breathing with you, Hadley.”
Moisture pricks at my eye, and I blink it back. He seems like the same Tripp as before, and then not the same Tripp all at once. I choke back the lump in my throat and stare outside at the houses as we pass them.
“Remember that time we ate an entire box of cupcakes sitting in your front yard?” Tripp asks.
“How
could I forget? I was sick for days.”
“But you were so cute with your hand and face covered in frosting.”
“That was just because you kept smearing it on me,” I point out, the memory clear as day in my mind. After eating the cupcakes, I remember him kissing the frosting off my mouth too. What I wouldn’t give for a repeat performance of that right now. Forcing the thought away, I lean my head against the window. My house comes into view, and I let out a relieved sigh.
After Tripp parks along the curb, I reach for the door handle. But before I can open it, his hand lands on my thigh. I freeze.
“Hadley.” His tone is more insistent this time, and I pivot slowly. “I’ve missed you.”
I inhale sharply as his hand cups my cheek. Forcefully, he draws my face forward. His head tilts toward me, his face nearing mine. My heart picks up speed, my breath coming out labored and shallow. I should push him away, but I don’t. His lips brush over mine, gently at first. Then he presses down more firmly, his tongue parting my lips. I reach for him, desperate for more. His tongue swirls in my mouth as his fingers tangle in my hair. I kiss him back with passion. More passionately than I’ve kissed anyone in three years. Tripp is the only guy who has ever kissed me like this. My head spins, and I feel lightheaded and giddy. His hands move through my hair until they are framing my face, and he kisses me with vigor. I hold him tightly, raking my hands up his back. When he pulls back my lips feel swollen, and I take in deep, steadying breaths. His eyes meet mine and I see the same longing I feel inside. It confuses and angers me. I shove him backwards.
Brushing the hair from my face, I sit up. “What the hell?”
“Sorry.” Tripp sits back in his seat. “I shouldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t stop myself.”
“Why?”
He rolls his head to face me. “What do you mean?”
“Why couldn’t you control yourself? Why did you insist on going with me tonight? And why did you kiss me? I don’t understand.”
He furrows his brows. “It’s you, Hadley. That’s why.”
Irritation bubbles inside of me. “God, Tripp, what does that even mean?”
“It means that I can’t control myself around you. I never have been able to. You do something to me.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I want no part in it.”
“Game? This isn’t a game,” he says. “You sound just like when we first became friends. Remember how you thought I was trying to pull a prank on you or something? But I wasn’t playing a game then, and I’m not now. I thought you knew me better than that.”
“I don’t know you at all anymore. You broke up with me, remember? And now suddenly three years later you show up and you expect me to act like the past several years didn’t even happen.” My lips quiver. “You didn’t even tell me why. You just left me. And I never heard from you. Not even one time, Tripp. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me?” Tears fill my eyes, and I turn away.
“Hey, don’t cry. Please.” Tripp reaches for me.
“No. Stop.” I swat his hand away. “Just leave me alone. Please.” I fumble for the doorknob until it finally opens. Then I stumble out of the car and race up the driveway. Not until I’m safely inside do I allow myself to break down and really cry.
Twelve
Tripp
Desperation blooms in my chest when she races inside her house. I can’t just let Hadley leave like this. I have to finally make things right. After opening the car door, I step outside into the cool evening air. Walking toward her house, I decide it’s time to do what I should’ve done three years ago. I never should’ve broken things off with Hadley without being honest with her. She deserved the whole truth. It was a mistake to withhold it from her. And I’m ready to tell her now.
I knock a few times and then hear the pitter patter of feet on the opposite side of the door. My heart hammers in my chest and my palms clam up. I wipe them on my jeans. I am feeling a little sore, and that reminds me that I missed my last dose of medicine today. I wasn’t planning on being out this long.
The door swings open and a girl about seven or eight stands before me, long blond hair falling over her shoulders. She wears a bathing suit cover-up and her bare toes are painted neon orange. A red ring frames her lips like she just finished drinking fruit punch. “Ainsley?” I ask, shocked at how much older she looks than the last time I saw her.
“Tripp?” Her eyebrows knit together. “Come on in. I’ll grab Hadley.” She whirls around and heads toward the kitchen. I step inside, the familiar scents of Hadley’s house circling me. Everything about this place, from the smell to the familiar pictures on the walls, reminds me of happier times.
Hadley comes around the corner wearing a guarded expression. She crosses her arms over her chest. “What do you want, Tripp?”
“I just want to talk to you. Can I please just have a minute?”
“Give me one good reason why I should,” she says harshly.
“Because I screwed up, okay? Because everything you said in the car is correct. I did walk out on you without any explanation, and I didn’t call you in the last three years. And I’m so sorry. I should’ve been honest with you from the beginning. But I want to be honest with you now. I’m ready to tell you everything.”
“Well, what if I don’t want to hear it now? Maybe it’s too late.”
“Fair enough.” I hold up my palms. “You’re right. I should’ve done this sooner. I really am sorry, Hadley.” Defeated, I turn around and reach for the door knob.
“Wait,” she speaks so softly I almost don’t hear her.
I crane my neck to look at her.
Her cheeks flush. “Call it morbid curiosity, but I kind of want to know.”
I heave a sigh of relief. “Want to go outside where we can be alone?”
She nods and then follows me outside. We both plop down in the grass, my old house in view. It all just feels so surreal to be with her now. I pick at a blade of grass and work up the courage to tell her.
“Do you remember how I got sick right after graduation?” I ask her.
“Oh, yeah. Vaguely. You said you had the flu or something. I didn’t see you for like a week.” Her gaze flickers to mine. “You were so worried about giving it to me, and you didn’t want it to ruin my summer.”
“I didn’t really have the flu,” I confess, staring out across the street. A car drives by slowly and I watch it until it disappears around the corner.
“Then what were you doing?” I hear the hurt in her voice. I can tell she feels betrayed. We never lied to each other, so I get how she feels.
“I started to not feel good, but it was not like a normal sickness. I just felt really achy, and sometimes it was hard to move my body, almost like my joints wouldn’t work, like I was paralyzed. A couple of times I even felt dizzy and my vision was sort of blurred. It scared the shit out of me. I told my mom, and she took me to the doctor.” As the memories flood me, I feel kind of sick. “The doctors had no idea what was going on, and they were throwing around words like MS, cancer, tumors. It was awful.”
“Oh, my god. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I still can’t bring myself to look at Hadley, so I keep my gaze trained on the street. “I didn’t want to worry you. I just kept telling myself that they weren’t going to find anything. That maybe I was just stressed or something. But then I kept getting worse, the symptoms more severe. At that point I was sure it was something awful. And even if it wasn’t, I was in no shape to go away to school. I had to stay and find out what was wrong, and then treat it. I knew if I told you, that you would want to stay with me too.”
“I would have. No question.”
“I know. That’s why I pushed you away. I wanted you to live your life, Hadley. You are so talented. Being stuck here with a sick guy is not the future I wanted for you.”
“But that wasn’t your choice to make, Tripp. It was mine.”
I face her. “I know. I get
that now, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing, the noble thing.”
“Did the doctor’s find out what was wrong?” she asks softly.
“It took months of testing to figure it out, but finally I was diagnosed with Junior Rheumatoid Arthritis.”
“Arthritis?” She scrunches up her nose. “I thought only old people got that?”
“No, it’s not what you’re thinking of. This is something that kids get. In fact, they think I probably had it for a long time I just didn’t notice. With Dad beating on me, and playing sports from a young age, I kind of just ignored it when I had aches and pains and stiff joints. I think the main reason I noticed it after graduation was because I wasn’t playing sports or anything, so it didn’t make sense.”
“So what, you just have soreness sometimes?”
“I wish it were that simple. No, it effects my life a lot. Some days I can hardly get out of bed the pain is so bad. Other days I function okay. I take a lot of medicine. Some to help with symptoms, and on bad days I take pain pills.” I lift my gaze to meet hers. “My life isn’t like it was. I can’t predict what kind of day I’ll have. I have missed you so much, Hadley, and I’ve regretted breaking up with you all this time. But I don’t know if I would do anything differently, because honestly I couldn’t ask you to give up everything for me.”
“I wouldn’t have been giving up everything, Tripp, because I would’ve had you.” Her eyes shine with tears. “Do you really think I would’ve chosen art over you? I loved you with everything I had. You were everything to me. I just can’t believe you made this decision for me. I’ve been miserable without you. Did you really think I couldn’t deal with this? That I would only want you if you were healthy?” She stands up angrily. “Wow. I really thought you knew me. I guess I was wrong.”
This time I don’t stop her when she leaves. I’ve told her my story. Now she needs to process it. Long after she heads inside I stay seated on the grass, mulling over what she said. The more I think on it, the worse I feel. Hadley’s right. I should’ve let her decide. Maybe if I had, things would’ve turned out better for all of us.