The casual tenderness between my brother and his girlfriend. The way Nick held Jenny’s hand. Openly declaring their togetherness. All of it was enough to make me ache inside. I wanted the same thing. I wanted the world to know that Tank liked me. Me, Marla Turner. Out of all the girls in the world. He liked me. Or at least that was what he said.
Instead, I would have to stand there like a lump on a log and pretend like we were just two people who had been roped into coming along.
When we reached the ticket counter, I started to pull out some money from my back pocket, but Tank scowled at me and bent down to whisper, “not on your life.”
I don’t know why, but the idea of Tank paying for my ticket sent a warm thrill through me. It was silly really and about as far from what I was supposed to feel. But still, it was there, and I couldn’t deny it.
He paid for the popcorn and drinks. Not even asking if I wanted butter. The man knew me, popcorn without butter was like air without oxygen. Useless.
The six of us made our way to the theater, each couple in their own little world.
“I was right,” Jason said as we stepped in.
“Don’t worry about it,” Tank said as he held the door for me. “Just grab some seats. We’ll find something and meet up afterwards.”
Jason shrugged his shoulders. Already trying to pick out the best seats remaining.
I glanced up at Tank, he just smiled back down at me. Sometimes the man was a genius.
We found two seats, Tank liked the end seat so he could stretch out. Fitting his long frame into those tiny seats had to be constricting. I wondered if we would be sitting on the end of the row for the rest of our lives.
The thought pushed my heart into hyperspace. What was I thinking? We couldn’t even tell anyone that we might like each other, and here I was, thinking about the rest of our lives.
I held my breath and tried to force my heart back to a semi-normal rate.
Tank purposely bumped my shoulder and held the popcorn out to me. A simple, silent gesture that for some reason calmed my soul.
This was Tank, I reminded myself. I knew him. He knew me. We’d kissed three times. Three glorious times. There was absolutely no reason to feel nervous.
Smiling to him, I tried to relax and focused on the pure pleasure of sitting next to him. He smelled of sandalwood and leather. A warm, comforting smell that pulled at my heart. The same cologne he had been wearing since he was fifteen.
His wide shoulders took up half the room, and his smile could turn a girl’s heart to pure mush.
Jason, who was about five rows in front of us shot us a look. Obviously to make sure his little sister wasn't a pest.
Amber leaned into him and pulled him back to focusing on her. The girl was the best friend ever.
Tank chuckled to himself and shook his head.
“Amber knows? Doesn’t she?”
I nodded, afraid to say the words.
“You told her?” he asked, his voice gentle, not accusing, just asking.
Again, I nodded. “She guessed,” I managed to get out.
He paused for a long moment then shrugged his shoulders. “She’ll keep it a secret.”
I decided not to tell him about Jenny. I wasn’t lying, just not informing him. There is a difference.
Tank took a deep breath, and I felt him tense up for a moment. Then he seemed to come to some kind of decision as he moved the popcorn over to his far hand, away from me.
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
He smiled down at me as he wiped his hand on his jeans. “So I could do this,” he said, taking my hand in his.
A simple gesture that sent my heart to the moon.
A strong warm tingle traveled up my arm to my very soul. Tank was holding my hand. In public. Granted, it was a darkened theater. But still. I was going to claim it as one of the best moments in my life.
His hand engulfed mine. Making me feel small and feminine. A feeling I thoroughly enjoyed. It was the kind of feeling that justified the entire romantic tradition of holding hands.
He had thick calluses, the same kind that my dad had from swing a hammer all day. I ran my fingers over them. Learning every detail, unable to believe how special I felt. I desperately wondered what he was thinking.
Tank ran his thumb over the back of my hand. A soft caress that pulled at me, sending a shiver through my whole body.
He leaned down and whispered. “Yeah, me too.”
I smiled to myself and relaxed for the first time that night. This was Tank. We might be at the beginning. But we knew each other. Knew what the other was feeling without being told.
There is something to be said for falling in love with your brother’s best friend.
Chapter Eleven
Tank
There comes a time in a guy’s life, I was coming to realize, when things make sense. Where everything finally comes together and it just fits.
Like Marla’s hand in mine. Like the way a two by four cut at the right angles will just slide into place like a puzzle piece. How the moon and stars go together.
I know. I was getting all mushy, but Marla did that to me. I don’t know how. I just knew that life made more sense with her in it.
Sam’s diner was the same as always. A combination of good, simple food and friendly voices. We’d been coming here for years. Ever since we were old enough to ride our bikes here. We’d sit at the counter and order cokes. Like grownups.
Luke came out of the back as soon as he heard our voices. Drying his hands on his apron, he smiled at us like we were long lost, travelers.
His brow furrowed in confusion for just a moment when he saw Marla standing next to me. But the boy had always been smart, he kept his thoughts to himself and instead, teased Amber about trying to keep Jason away from the pie.
Meagan, the waitress showed us to the booth in the back. The only place big enough to take all six of us.
Luke pulled Nick aside as we passed and mumbled something about it ‘being about time.’ My insides froze. Was he talking about us? Was it that obvious?
I ignored him and let Marla slide into the booth next to Amber before I sat down on the end.
Meagan took our order. Everyone was having Banana Cream pie except for Nick, he had to be different and ordered the Coconut. Marla said she just wanted a water.
I frowned down at her as I tried to figure out what was going on.
“You don’t want some pie?” the thought of passing up dessert did not compute.
“No, I’m fine,” she said with a quiet whisper.
I wondered briefly if she was intimidated hanging out with us. But no way. This was Marla. Nothing ever intimidated her.
“She’ll have Banana Cream.”
“Tank,” she said with an exasperated confusion. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”
Jason laughed and leaned over to Marla. “He just wants an excuse to have two pieces.”
Meagan laughed and said she’d be right back with our order.
Marla glanced at me. Her cheeks had a faint pink glow that pulled at me. What was going on in that pretty mind of hers, I wondered for the thousandth time that night.
When our food arrived, I noticed that Marla didn’t ignore it. I knew I was right, it was impossible to ignore Sam’s Banana Cream.
I watched as she slowly gathered a forkful of pie. Then, without really thinking it through. I reached over and scooped her forkful onto mine.
Her mouth formed the most perfect O, and her eyes got as big as the moon as I plopped the perfect bite into my mouth and smiled at her.
You could have heard a pin drop across the room. Everyone stared at us, unable to believe what I had just done.
Then, Jason threw his head back and laughed. “See, I told you, When it comes to Tank and food, there are no rules.”
See, just like I thought. Jason figured I did it because I wanted extra food. He couldn’t see that I did it to make Marla’s eyes light up. To make them sparkle.
E
veryone laughed and the moment was gone. But Marla kept looking at me from under her brow. As if I might expose her darkest secret at a moment’s notice.
As the other’s started talking about a dozen different things, Marla smiled at me then stuck her tongue out.
I smiled back. All was right with the world again.
We settled into a comfortable conversation about the movie. Jason was pretending that he would have preferred to see a Vin Diesel movie instead. But from what I had seen. He hadn’t exactly been focused on the screen.
From there, things just naturally drifted to talk about college.
“So, what about you?” Amber asked me. “Do you think you’ll get a track and field scholarship?”
I froze for a moment. There it was, the future.
“I already got three offers,” I said, studying the table top like it was my notes for the History final.
“Really,” Jason said. “You didn’t tell me. Where?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to college.”
There it was. The truth. A great sense of relief washed over me. I had finally said what I had wanted to say for a long time.
“Why not?” Marla asked. I could see the confused expression on her face. It tore at me for some reason. She was the one I was worried about. My friends would accept it. They might not understand, but they would accept it.
Marla though? I had no idea what she would think.
I shrugged my shoulders. “The last thing I want to do is spend more time sitting behind a desk listening to someone talk about stuff I don’t care about. All so I can get a job I don’t want to do.”
“I don’t know man,” Jason said. “Giving up a free ride.”
“What are you going to do after you graduate?” Amber asked.
I shrugged my shoulders again. “I don’t know. I’ll get a job or maybe go into the army.”
“No,” Marla gasped as her face turned white.
Everyone stared at her, but she ignored them as she kept looking at me. “When were you going to tell ... us,” she hissed.
“I don’t know. I really haven’t thought it all through. With my dad back. I guess I don’t have to stay here if I don’t want to. My mom will be alright as long as she has someone to worry about.”
Marla looked at me like I’d just stabbed her in the heart.
“But,” I said, frantically trying to figure out what I had just said to upset her.
“You never know,” I continued, “I might meet someone, fall in love, and live happily ever after without ever leaving this town. You know me. I’m always open to changes.”
The group laughed at my sarcasm. All except Marla. She kept shooting me looks like she was trying to solve the world’s hardest puzzle. Looks that let me know that I had some explaining to do.
When we got home, Jason walked Amber back to her house. I knew they’d be saying goodbye for an hour. Longer if her parents didn’t start flashing the porch light.
When we reached her door I held back.
She stopped and turned to look up at me, her forehead creasing with confusion.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “I had a very nice time tonight. Thank you for letting me tag along.”
Her words stung. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.
“I’m sorry for not telling you about college,” I said.
She smiled softly and shook her head. “It was just a surprise. It made me realize that I don’t really know as much about you as I thought I did.”
“See, that’s the problem,” I spit out. “Right there. Of course, you don’t know me. We never get any time alone. Just the two of us. Just talking. You know?
She nodded and bit her lip. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“It’s not your fault, Marla. I just don’t know. I feel guilty kissing you. I feel like I’m missing out on the greatest thing in the world when I’m not kissing you.”
She frowned as she gently placed her hand on my chest, directly over my raging heart.
“I know, me too,” she said as she stood on her toes to kiss me.
My insides began to buzz with anticipation when a movement out of the corner of my eye made me take a step back.
Michael, her little brother, had pulled the corner of the curtains back so he could peek out the window.
“See, that’s what I mean,” I cursed as I nodded towards the window. “The next thing you know, your dad’s going to step out here and want to know what is going on.”
She frowned and her eyes got misty for a second.
“It should be different,” I continued, “if it wasn’t you. If it wasn’t your family. If you were just some girl I liked. I’d bring you home from a date, kiss you goodnight. Hopefully, a long, glorious kiss. Then watch you go inside.”
Her eyes began to sparkle with anger. “Do you wish I was someone else?” she asked.
“No, of course not,” I said before her eyes got that familiar angry sparkle.
“I just wish we could be alone. Just the two of us. Alone enough to get to know each other. You know? Also, the fact that I can’t take you in my arms and kiss you is killing me inside.”
Marla gave me a small smile and slowly nodded.
“I understand. Believe me, I understand,” she said. “But remember. I’m not the one wanting to keep this all a secret. I want to yell to the world that Tank Gunderson kissed me. I don’t care what my family thinks. I want to walk down the hall at school with my hand in yours and watch every other girl go green with jealousy. I want it all. It’s you that doesn’t want anyone to know. I understand why. But it is your choice.”
She was right. This was all my fault. This constant tension and worry about being found out. This guilt that constantly pumped through me. It was my issue. Not hers.”
We stood there for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes. I knew this wasn’t fair to her. One more thing to feel bad about. But I just couldn’t see a way out. Not without ruining my friendship with Jason and upsetting Marla’s parents.
It was almost funny. I wouldn’t mind them being mad at me. But the thought of them being disappointed in me made my insides curl up into a tight ball.
“We’ll figure it out,” I said as I reached around her to open the front door.
A quick sad look came over her eyes and my heart lurched to the side. Now she was disappointed in me. I couldn’t do anything right. Not when it came to Marla Turner and her family. It was like being caught in a blizzard up in the mountains. No matter what I did. It wasn’t going to end well.
Chapter Twelve
Marla
I punched my pillow like it was my little brother. Michael had ruined everything. What should have been a beautiful ending to a wonderful night had been turned into some kind of somber, serious moment that left an empty, worried feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Tank had been so torn up. I could see this whole situation was eating at him. And the boy so hated disappointing anyone. Here he was being pulled in a dozen different directions, and it was all my fault somehow.
Flopping over onto my side I tried to force myself to relax. And failed miserably. What made it worse was that I really couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Amber was so wrapped up in Jason. She’d never understand. My friends at school, Mary, and Carla, they wouldn’t believe me. And if they did, the word would be all over school within half a minute.
Jason would have loved that. Finding out his best friend and his sister were together by overhearing whispers in the hall.
But then, we’re not together, I reminded myself. Sending another sad thought through me. Not really. We were just two people who might, sort of like each other. Two people who passed each other secret smiles.
It was enough to make a girl cry herself to sleep.
Sighing, I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. My mind wandering to the night. Thinking about what it felt like to trace the rough calluses on his hand. The way he made me laugh when he stole
my piece of pie. The way I felt safe and protected when his arms wrapped around me. I thought about the sad look that passed behind his eyes when he talked about his father.
Every moment was relived a hundred times as I tried to come to grips with my messed up life.
He was right, I realized. We really didn’t know each other. Not like we should. Oh sure, I knew his favorite band. I knew that he liked working with his hands and that he was good at it. I knew the way he smelled. I knew that he was happiest around my family or up on a roof somewhere, swinging a hammer.
But I didn’t really know what he thought about things. Like this not going to college idea. Where had that come from? What was he thinking?
I was sure that he had his reasons. I just didn’t know what they were.
See, that was the kind of thing a girlfriend would know. But then, I wasn’t a girlfriend. What was I to Tank?
The realization of just how far apart we were hurt inside. We were just friends, after all, I realized. Until we shared our inner most secrets, we would only really be casual friends, and I wanted so much more.
The thought made me laugh. I couldn’t imagine Tank ever really sharing his innermost secrets. It sounded too girly for someone like Tank.
But somehow. I knew with everything we had. That we wouldn’t really be together until we did.
And what does he know about you? Flashed into my mind. What have you ever really shared with him?
The thought sent a guilty burst to my heart.
I’d kept my feelings about him secret for so long that I’d never shared anything. Not really. I’d never told him about what it meant to me knowing that he was always there. The rock. The one person I could always count on to be steady and sure.
I never told him about the way my world would light up when he smiled at me. One of those patented Tank smiles that made me feel special. Like I was important.
None of it. I’d kept it all buried for my entire life. Terrified that if he knew, he’d laugh and my life would be utterly and completely ruined.
A sudden strong urge washed over me. I had to tell him the truth. All of it.
Jumping out of bed I pulled out the desk chair and sat down. I could do this on the computer. Send him an email. But this needed to be more personal. More just between him and me. Something not tainted by the internet.
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