Sweet Temptation

by Lucy Diamond

  I blinked, wondering where all this deep thinking was coming from.

  ‘I guess I could stop going to FatBusters too,’ I said, realizing that I’d had all the pep talks from Alison that I needed. I had learned that salsa dancing and eating healthily kept me at a good weight. I’d also realized that all my binge-eating had been driven by despair and loneliness when I’d felt insecure and crap about myself. I didn’t feel like that any more. Not now I’d given Charlie the old heave-ho.

  ‘Mind you,’ I went on, thinking it through, ‘I’d miss our Monday night chats here in the Feathers every week. I look forward to that bit more than the weighin and Alison’s inspirational stuff.’

  ‘Well, we can still meet up,’ Maddie pointed out. ‘We could have our own mini-FatBusters, just the three of us. I think we’re all pretty good at encouraging one another and urging each other on. And we could even set ourselves challenges – fitness things, I mean.’

  ‘Sounds scary,’ Lauren said, passing round the glasses of bubbly. ‘What sort of challenges? Cheers, everyone, by the way.’

  ‘Cheers,’ Maddie and I echoed.

  ‘To us three, and all our successes,’ I added, feeling light-headed with optimism.

  ‘Um … well, I haven’t totally made up my mind about this challenge yet,’ Maddie said in answer to Lauren, ‘but I’m wondering about trying the Race for Life, a five-kilometre run, this summer, in memory of my mum.’ She pulled a face. ‘Well … I was feeling quite up for it, but I’m not so certain any more.’ She hesitated as if she’d been about to explain but had then changed her mind.

  ‘I’ll run it with you,’ I blurted out, assuming that she’d just got cold feet about the idea. The cava had gone straight to my head and I was filled with a mad exuberance and a rush of can-do feelings. ‘Your mum was always so lovely to me. I’d be up for it.’ Then I clapped a hand over my mouth in shock. ‘I can’t believe I just said that,’ I confessed. ‘I haven’t done any running since I left school.’

  ‘I’ll give it a shot, too,’ Lauren said. ‘Although I’ll be the slowest one in the whole flipping race, of course. But …’ She smiled. ‘It would be a cool thing to do, the three of us, wouldn’t it? FatBusters against the world!’

  Maddie’s mouth seemed pinched, as if she was trying to smile back at us but couldn’t quite get there. ‘Cheers,’ she said. ‘But …’

  Lauren didn’t seem to notice the hesitation that was still apparent on Maddie’s face. ‘That’s settled, then. Race for Life, here we come!’

  It wasn’t until later in the week that I found out what had been troubling Maddie. When I went with her to her mum’s old house to pick up some stuff, she told me what had happened: how she’d discovered these letters she’d never known about from her dad, and how angry it had made her feel towards her mum.

  ‘It’s really shocked me,’ she said as we sat at the beautifully polished dining table with a coffee each. ‘It’s made me wonder what other secrets she had, what else she kept from me.’ She rubbed her eyes miserably. ‘You know, she was the one constant in my life. The person I trusted, more than anyone else in the world, to have my best interests at heart. And then to find out this …’ She shook her head. ‘It’s really pulled the rug from under my feet. And that’s why I was having second thoughts about doing the Race for Life. Because I feel so angry with her! Why should I put in hours of training – because, let’s face it, that’s what it’ll take – why should I bother doing anything in her memory now that I’ve found out she told me all those lies and deliberately cut me off from Dad?’

  ‘Oh God,’ I said, feeling wretched for her. I knew how much she’d idolized her mum. ‘That’s awful. That must have really knocked you for six.’ I bit my lip, trying to think of something comforting to say, but it was tricky when I felt stunned by the revelation too. ‘So how do you feel about your dad now?’ I said finally.

  She gave a wry smile. ‘Well, that’s the happy ending, at least,’ she said. ‘I phoned him up – his number was on all the letters he sent, and he’s still living at the same address in Edinburgh.’

  ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Oh, that’s wonderful, Maddie!’

  She nodded. ‘It really is,’ she replied. ‘I haven’t seen him for the best part of thirty years, but once he’d got over the initial shock of it being me on the other end of the line, we chatted away for ages. It was just … brilliant. He’s so happy that I’m married and I’ve got kids. He can’t wait to meet them, he says, and he’s dying to see me again …’ She wiped her eyes. ‘I’m so chuffed, you know, to be in touch with him again, it feels such a bonus after Mum dying – but I mean … what a rollercoaster. To lose my mum, then regain my dad – it’s been a mad time for me.’

  I patted her arm. ‘I can imagine,’ I said. ‘That’s a lot to get your head round. But your mum must have had her reasons. And right or wrong, she loved you to bits, you know that.’

  She nodded. ‘I know that,’ she agreed. ‘I just wish I could ask her about it, get her to explain. I feel so angry that I didn’t have a dad for all those years, but …’ She spread her hands and shrugged. ‘What do you do?’

  I sipped my coffee. What did you do indeed?

  ‘Well,’ I said, ‘if you don’t want to run the Race for Life, I totally understand. It’s your call, Maddie, and Lauren and I will respect whatever you feel is the right thing.’

  ‘Thanks, Jess. I appreciate that.’ Her eyes were glistening as she spoke. Then she knocked back her coffee, and got to her feet. ‘Right, come on, then. Let me show you what’s up for grabs.’

  Maddie loaded me up with all the home essentials a girl could wish for – pots and pans, plates and bowls, crockery and cutlery … everything but the kitchen sink, in fact. She even gave me the kettle. ‘Are you sure?’ I kept saying as I put box after box into my car boot. ‘Are you absolutely sure? At least let me give you some money for all of this.’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure, and no, I don’t want a penny for it,’ she’d answered. ‘She would have wanted you to have it, Jess – she really liked you. Just make sure you let me know when the grand opening is, that’s all. I’d love to come and raise a toast to you in situ.’

  Her words came back to me a few days later as I returned from my last appointment of the day. The flat was starting to look more lived-in now, more like a home. The kitchen was well equipped – with saucepans that Anna Noble had cooked with, no less! – and my bedroom was a cheerful chill-out area with pictures on the walls and a small telly that I’d treated myself to. (Maddie had offered me Anna’s huge flat-screen TV, but it would have taken up most of a wall.)

  As for the main treatment room, Lauren had promised to help me clean and paint the walls, and I’d varnished the floorboards myself one evening. They gleamed now, and I felt pleased every time I stepped on them. I’d booked a plumber to put in a shower and sink unit, and had taken out a business loan to order a massage table. Dad had found a smart white storage unit with glass doors in the charity shop, which he’d cleaned up for me and which now housed all my massage oils and facial lotions. He’d also rigged up some little speakers and fitted a dimmer switch for the lights so that I could create an ambience for stressed clients with soft lighting and relaxation CDs. Finally, I’d bought a bale of lovely fluffy white towels, plus some brand new size twelve uniforms for me. How I wished Louisa could see me now!

  If someone had told me a year before that Charlie and I were going to split up before we ever made it up the aisle, I’d have imagined myself devastated, sobbing into my pillow every night, begging him to take me back. But in reality, I’d been so busy lately working my size twelve butt off that I’d barely had time to think about him. Every day was packed with appointments, visiting clients around town with my bag of tricks, and every evening I was slaving away to transform the main room of the flat into the blissful oasis of calm I wanted it to be. Then at night I’d collapse onto the camp bed Mum and Dad had given me and fall asleep within seconds. Charlie had vanished from my ra
dar now, and I felt like I’d thrown off all my cares.

  The grand opening, Maddie had said, and yes, I felt a party was definitely in order. There were so many people who’d helped me get here, and I wanted to thank them all and show them what I’d achieved and just how far I’d come. However, before any grand opening took place, there was someone else I wanted to see. Someone who’d been on my mind ever since our lunch date in San Carlo. Matt, of course. Kind Matt of the princess promises and talk of love.

  Lauren had asked once or twice if I was going to call him, and I’d dithered over what to do. I really liked him, but I didn’t want to bounce straight from one relationship into another. I felt I needed some time on my own to catch my breath.

  ‘Just take things slowly,’ she’d advised. ‘No rush. You already like each other – that’s a great start. Just phone him up and have a chat, take things from there. He’s a nice guy, Jess. A really nice guy.’

  ‘I know,’ I’d said. ‘It’s just …’

  It was hard to explain. He’d been so lovely to me when we’d met for lunch that day, so romantic and so honest about his feelings that I almost didn’t dare get my hopes up that anything could happen between us. Surely he was too good to be true? Surely there would be a catch, some personality disorder that I’d find out about further down the line?

  Still. Nothing ventured and all that. I wouldn’t find out just by wondering, would I? And businesswoman Jess with her size twelve bottom and very own flat wasn’t the kind of person to shilly-shally about such things, now, was she?

  ‘Matt? It’s Jess.’

  It was the following evening, and I was sitting on my creaky camp bed wrapped in towels, having just tried out my newly installed shower for the first time. (Bliss. The kind of shower you could actually live in.)

  ‘It’s Jessica Linley. Um … from the salon. I met you at San Carlo …’ I was babbling with nerves, thrown by his silence. Had he forgotten about me already?

  ‘I know who you are,’ he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. ‘Hi, Jess.’

  ‘Hi, Matt,’ I said. Then I licked my lips, suddenly lost for what to say. ‘So … hi,’ I said again.

  ‘Hi,’ he echoed.

  There was a pause. Oh help. I was out of practice with this sort of thing. I was rubbish! Come on, Jess. Take the lead. You can do it.

  ‘Matt, I was wondering—’ I began, just as he said, ‘Jess, it was lovely to—’ at the same moment.

  We both laughed. ‘Go on, you first,’ he said. I’d forgotten what a nice voice he had: warm and friendly with a low chuckle to it that made me feel happy and more than a little bit tingly inside.

  ‘Okay, here goes,’ I said. ‘I’m kind of nervous about this, but I’m just going to come out and say it.’

  ‘Good for you,’ he said, sounding amused.

  I took a deep breath. Right. Here goes nothing, I thought.

  ‘Matt,’ I began. ‘I just want to thank you for lunch the other day. The other week, rather.’ I blushed, even though he couldn’t see me. ‘I really, really enjoyed talking to you, and … and I’ve been thinking about you ever since. In a good way.’ I paused, worrying that I was waffling. ‘What I’m trying to say is that I’d love it if we could maybe arrange to see each other again. If you wanted to, of course, and you’re not too busy, or anything, then—’

  ‘Yes,’ he said before I could witter on any more. ‘I’d love to see you again, Jess.’

  I found that I was smiling so much it hurt. ‘Really?’ I asked in delight. ‘You really want to see me again?’

  ‘Of course I really want to see you again,’ he told me. ‘I’ve been hoping you would ring. Really hoping.’ His voice softened. ‘I’m glad you did.’

  I realized I was bouncing up and down with excitement on the camp bed. I hoped he couldn’t hear the creaks.

  ‘Great,’ I said happily. Stuff taking things slowly, I thought in a great rush of exhilaration. I couldn’t wait to see him again. ‘So … when are you free?’

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Peachy

  Maddie

  I was tense even before the gun had gone off – my heart jumpy, my whole body clenched with nerves. A fat sun glared down, bathing us all in harsh white light. The other runners were muttering to one another in low voices, but I was so churned up inside, I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t move. ‘Are you okay, Maddie?’ Jess said, elbowing me. ‘You’ve gone very quiet.’

  I turned to her and nodded. ‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘Just … hope I can do it.’

  ‘You can do it,’ Lauren told me. ‘After all this bloody training we’ve done, we can definitely do it.’

  It was the beginning of June, and we were gathered in the grounds of the NEC along with two thousand other women for the Race for Life. There was an incredible atmosphere, like nothing else I’d ever felt before. Loads of people were wearing pink running T-shirts, while others were dressed in sparkly wigs, pyjamas, fairy costumes complete with wings, or sequinned dresses … You could spot the hardcore runners in the crowd, the super-fit types for whom a 5k run was a breeze, but there were others who were obviously there for personal reasons, wearing messages pinned to their backs with the names of the people they were raising money for. I’d written mine that morning:

  I’m running for … MUM

  Of course I was. I blinked, teary-eyed all of a sudden. It turned out that Gerald had known about the letters from my dad all along. He’d sighed when I’d mentioned them to him.

  ‘I told her she had to give you those,’ he said. ‘I did tell her, Maddie. And I think she fully intended to originally, but …’ He shrugged. ‘Without wanting to sound disrespectful, she was a stubborn old mule, your mother.’

  I nodded. ‘You can say that again. So what were her reasons for not just throwing them away in the first place?’ I pressed him. ‘What was her side of the story?’

  ‘She said that he’d let her down so badly, she couldn’t bear the thought of him doing the same to you,’ he replied, one eyebrow raised sceptically as if he didn’t really buy into her argument. ‘But she’d grudgingly kept the letters, intending to give them to you when you turned eighteen. By then she figured you’d be old enough to decide for yourself whether or not you wanted to have a relationship with him.’

  ‘I would have liked a relationship with him for the whole of my childhood!’ I railed. ‘She had no right to keep us apart. She just wanted me on her side, that was what it was all about.’

  He didn’t deny it. ‘I know she felt bad about the way she’d handled things,’ he said quietly. ‘Honestly, Maddie. But by then, she thought it was too late. What was the point of stirring up old history again? She knew you’d be furious with her and couldn’t face it – that’s what I think.’

  Thankfully, it hadn’t been too late, though. Dad and I had had an emotional reunion back in February when he’d come to Birmingham and met my family for the first time. He was in his sixties now, but I’d have known him anywhere, with the tall frame I’d inherited, the slightly crooked nose and sparkly eyes I remembered from my childhood. He’d been an instant hit with the children, who were fascinated to meet him and hear his tales about what I’d been like as a little girl. And seeing him with them, so easygoing and fun, making them roar with laughter at the story of me skidding in a cowpat one wet holiday in Dorset, melted away some of the freezing anger I’d felt towards Mum. Everyone makes mistakes.

  We’d since been up to see him and Isabel in Edinburgh (a lovely woman, as gentle and kind-hearted as him), and it had been a huge comfort having a parent to talk to once more. Sure, I had to get to know him all over again, but I was already asking his advice about things, chatting with him about work and the kids almost as if we’d never been apart.

  So yes, I’d made my peace with Mum. I still missed her desperately and thought about her all the time, but I’d forgiven her now that things were good with my dad. My anger had gone. And here I was with Jess and Lauren, about to run five kilometr
es in her memory.

  Go for it, my love, I heard her say in my head, clear as anything. I’m watching you, you know. And I’m dead proud of my girl.

  A countdown had begun at the starting line. ‘Ten … nine … eight …’

  ‘This is it,’ Jess said, waving to Matt, who had managed to get a spot right at the front of the barrier that separated the runners from the supporters.

  He waved back. ‘Love you,’ he shouted. Bless. We all loved Matt, the way he’d made Jess so happy and vibrant. She was a million miles away from the down-trodden person she’d been when I first met her.

  ‘Seven … six … five …’

  ‘Where’s Paul?’ Lauren wanted to know.

  I’d been wondering the same thing. ‘I can’t see him,’ I answered. ‘He said he’d find me at the finish line somewhere.’

  ‘Four … three … two … one … GO!’

  We were off, a sea of women all running at once. The speedy ones were already zooming ahead, but I knew not to be fazed by them. ‘Keep to your own pace,’ Mike had advised me during our many practice runs. ‘You know what works best for you – forget everybody else.’

  Mike. He and I were friends now, having got over our brief entanglement at the Christmas party. It had been awkward at first, and I’d felt self-conscious about seeing him, but we’d managed to get back to our old instructor-client relationship, keeping a safe distance from anything more complicated. He’d put together a training plan for me to build up my distance gradually, bit by bit. ‘No worries,’ he’d said, the last time I’d seen him. ‘You’ll fly round there, Maddie. Oh, and by the way …’