And it did seem like that. Everyone had a rather grave expression on their face, even Holden, whom you could usually count on to be goofing off in some way or another. But no one said anything; it was like they were all waiting for someone else to start. There was a box of Krispy Kreme donuts on the table that was open but untouched. Odd.
“So,” I said, just to break the silence, “I didn’t really have a chance to talk with anyone after the brunch. It was a little bit of a surprise that everyone showed up like that, but I think we all had a pretty nice time—right?”
“The food was quite good,” Mom said. “The second quiche, the one with those weird tomatoes, that one was a little dry. But of course I wouldn’t say anything then about it.”
“Those tomatoes were weird as hell,” Holden said.
I looked at him. “They’re called sun-dried tomatoes. And they’re really not that weird at all. I think you just don’t like tomatoes.” I took a deep breath, trying not to let them get me upset, but it was hard. “I didn’t realize that you called me over here to have an in-person review of the brunch we tried to host.”
Holden smirked. “Oh, so now you host brunches? That’s so upscale urban of you. I really don’t think you would’ve hosted any brunches before you hooked up with this Lena chick. Who isn’t that much to look at, by the way. I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet.”
“Shut up!” I snapped.
“Boys!” Mom said. She looked at me. “What’s the matter?”
I widened my eyes. “What’s the matter? Are you really asking me that? You guys call me over here to be critical and to insult my girlfriend? I just feel like nothing Lena does will be good enough for you guys. Like you’re only on the lookout for all the bad things, and when you can’t find anything, you just make something up. Like the quiche being too dry. Who the hell cares if the quiche was too dry? Do you work for Zagat? Are you going to leave her a bad Yelp review?”
“I don’t know what those things are,” Mom said.
“Did you even realize that she didn’t have anything to eat that day? Aside from maybe a few bites of fruit salad. Because we hadn’t been expecting the whole goddamn family to show up, so to make sure that all her guests got enough food, Lena didn’t even eat anything?”
“I didn’t realize the invitation wasn’t for the whole family,” Mom said. “What kind of person would not invite the whole family?”
“Um, the sort of person who made enough food for two other guests, the two people who were invited. Meaning you and Dad.”
Holden leaned back in his chair. “What are you saying?” he asked. “That I wasn’t actually invited? She didn’t want me there?”
“I’m not saying that at all. What I’m saying is, you guys haven’t shown Lena a lot of respect, and she’s done nothing at all to deserve your disrespect. In fact, she’s gone out of her way to invite you into her home, to make this nice brunch, to try to get to know you guys, and all you want to do is be critical.”
“You must not have heard the dozens of times I complimented her about her house,” Mom said indignantly. “I don’t see how you can stand there, all high and mighty, and say that all we want to do is criticize. So I said the quiche was a little dry. It was. Am I not allowed to be honest? Do I have to pretend just so Lena’s feelings don’t get hurt?”
Holden snorted, trying to hold back his laughter. “I think you mean so Shep’s feelings don’t get hurt.” He shook his head. “How long have you known this chick, bro? It’s hardly been any time at all, but she’s already totally emasculated you. Yeah, I know what that word means. It means she’s got your balls in a vise grip. Don’t think I didn’t see the way she was ordering you around. The way you have your tail tucked between your legs whenever she’s in the room. She sure as hell is the one who wears the pants in your relationship.”
I stared at him, and he stared right back at me. I didn’t want to believe that he actually thought that, because it wasn’t true at all. They were just trying to find anything they could, and they’d even be willing to make things up. “I’m surprised you even know what the word emasculated means.”
“I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid, Holden. But I do think you’re giving me a hard time for no reason. I’d just like it if you guys could be happy for me, because I’ve found someone who I really like. I thought that would’ve meant something. Instead, everyone just seems intent on being an asshole about it. But here’s the funny thing—you guys are not in this relationship with Lena. I am. And I’m telling you that I’m very happy with her. I could… I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her.”
Now, I knew it was way too early to be having thoughts like these, but I’d be lying if I said they hadn’t been coming up every now and then. I also knew that it was easy to have your blinders on when you were in the honeymoon phase, that everyone’s relationship seemed golden and shiny and perfect in the beginning. But it was different with Lena. I couldn’t quite put it into words, but I knew she felt similar, too. Maybe if my family knew that I felt this strongly about her—maybe that would change something.
But after I said it, everyone just stared at me. There was silence, the awful, awkward kind that felt as palpable as cotton candy. Like you could reach out and grab handfuls of it and tear it apart with your fingers. I was waiting for someone to respond to what I’d just said. They were waiting for me to retract it.
Finally, Holden broke the silence. He couldn’t be quiet for more than a few seconds, anyway. “What is this—an afternoon special on the Lifetime channel or something? We’re all just trying to save you some time, bro, that’s it. You can’t fault us for that. We know that this isn’t going to end in marriage and kids and a golden retriever or some shit. So why bother? You really think you want that sort of thing? You’re fooling yourself. Come on, bro. Open your eyes. Get with it. Need me to take you out for a night on the town? Get some hookers? You want some blow? I’ll get some blow. I know you like that shit. It’s classy. You like the classy stuff. Fine.”
“I haven’t done cocaine in almost a decade, and I have no interest in starting again. And I have a girlfriend, you idiot! I’m not getting a hooker. How can you even say any of this?” I knew I should just stop having the conversation with him—it wasn’t going to go anywhere. But I just couldn’t—or didn’t want to—believe that my family would really be like that. It wasn’t as if Lena was trying to use me or take advantage of me in some way. She wasn’t a bad person—not by a long shot. If she had been, then I could’ve understood that. It would’ve made sense, at least. But this didn’t. This was just another example of my family thinking that they knew what was right for me, for my life, when they really didn’t have any clue at all.
I pushed the chair back and stood up.
“Sit down,” Dad said, his voice low like a growl. It was something you felt more than heard. He had been so quiet this whole time, I’d almost forgotten that he was there. But that had obviously been a mistake, because he was most definitely here, and I could tell by the expression on his face that he was absolutely going to make his presence known.
“We’re not done talking with you yet. You’ve got some listening you need to do. Plenty of words have been coming out of your mouth—time for you to zip that lip and listen to what your family has to say. Now, I know that girl tried her best to be accommodating to our family and went ahead and made some fancy-ass food so she could impress us. But we’re not those sort of people who are going to be won over by some fancy cooking and a nice presentation. That’s not the criteria we judge people with. We saw with our own eyes the way she ordered you around, the way you jumped to attention whenever she even looked your way. It was a little hard to stomach, if you want the truth of it. You a man, son? That the sort of man you want to be? A modern-day sort of girly man who takes orders from his woman? We’re your family, son, and we’re concerned. We don’t like where we see this heading. You might not b
e able to see it, but we do, and we want to step in now before you go any further. That’s all this is. You don’t have to make it into something that it’s not, like we’re all out trying to get you. Just the opposite, in fact. We’re looking out for one of our own. No different than we’d do for anyone else in the family. So quit being so stubborn and know that we’ve got your best interest at heart here.”
I swallowed, even though my mouth felt dry, my tongue like sandpaper. So this was basically an intervention—and all because none of them really understood what it meant to be part of a normal, healthy relationship. My parents had been married for decades, and their marriage worked because they were both happy to believe that the man ruled the house and the woman raised the kids and did the cooking. I didn’t necessarily see things that way, but was I all up in their shit, trying to tell them what they were doing was wrong? No, I wasn’t.
“So, why don’t you go ahead and sit back down and just hear us out,” Dad said, a kinder note in his voice than I could remember hearing recently. “We’ve all got plenty more to say about it, if you still need convincing. And then once we’ve put all this behind us, we can move on and never have to revisit the topic again. If you’re really serious about settling down, well, Rich Corrie’s daughter just got divorced, and I’ve always thought she was a fine woman.”
“Then why don’t you set her up with Holden?” I said. “Holden deserves a prize like that.”
“I sure as shit am never settling down,” Holden said. “I don’t need to be saddled with all of that—no, thank you! Life is short enough as it is; why add years of misery when you don’t have to?”
“He’s got a point,” Uncle Frank mused.
I shook my head, ignored the quaking in my gut. It was a strange sensation, to be in the middle of a situation yet unable to entirely believe that it was really happening. But it was. And I was done with this, with all of it. Everyone had their limits, and I had reached mine. There would be some sort of fallout from a decision like this, I knew that, but I needed to do it. I just had to. “You know what?” I said. Every pair of eyes in the room swiveled to me, waiting for my declaration of agreement. Waiting for me to tell them that they were right after all. “The only thing this conversation has made me realize is that you guys don’t actually want what’s best for me, if it means that I might not be at your beck and call to do whatever it is you want. And the reason why you don’t like Lena isn’t because she’s a bad person or you think she’s a bad match for me—it’s because she’s actually a good person, who wants to see me succeed, and not just in the goddamn family business. But guess what? This is my life. And if you can’t be supportive of my relationship, then I guess you’re just not going to be a part of my life right now. That’s up for you to decide, though I’d have to say it sounds like you’ve already made your decision.”
“Shep!” Mom said sharply. “You don’t mean that. You’re not just going to turn your back on your family.”
I felt something quiver inside of me, but I ignored it. I also ignored the hard way that Dad was staring at me, not saying anything, just cupping his chin in his hand, head tilted slightly down. Uncle Frank still stood leaning against the counter, picking something out of his nails. He looked like he couldn’t care less about this whole thing; Jeannie looked interested, but only because it was like being in the audience of the Jerry Springer Show, probably. This was my family? These were the people who claimed they had my best interest at heart? Yeah, sure, they had my best interest in mind if I was doing what they wanted. But if I wasn’t? Then they couldn’t stand it. They’d tried to do everything they could to sabotage it. How long was I supposed to put up with that? I was done, I realized. All done. This was something I should have done a long time ago.
“I am going to turn my back on you,” I said, “if this is how you guys are going to be. And I do mean that. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but until you guys can respect who I am, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
Mom’s face crumpled, then the tears started. Holden, always looking to earn extra brownie points when he could, reached over and grasped her hand.
“Mom…” he said. He shot me a look. “Real nice, asshole.”
But I was done letting them guilt me.
“That would be a mistake,” Dad said. “So I suggest that you think long and hard about it before you walk out that door. Blood is thicker than water, son. How long have you known this girl? Barely any time. What are you going to do when she leaves you? Or when you decide you’ve had enough of her ball-busting ways and leave her? Just come crawling back to us and expect us to welcome you with open arms, because we’re family?” He shook his head. “Doesn’t work that way.”
“Didn’t you just say that blood was thicker than water? Shouldn’t it not matter to you guys if I’m dating someone you don’t happen to like? Your own reasoning doesn’t even make any sense.”
I had never stood up to my father like this before, and I wasn’t even doing anything that bad, but it still felt empowering. Terrifying, but empowering. He wouldn’t do anything too bad to me right there in front of everyone, I knew this, and I also knew that Dad was getting older, that he wasn’t the towering giant of my childhood. And did that matter, anyway? I’d survived every beating he ever gave me, as well as all the beatings meant for Holden, too. I glanced at my brother. Did he even remember that? It wouldn’t seem like it. But I did. Holden had always been a troublemaker, just had a knack for it, and he was always doing things that he shouldn’t be. Dad would get home, see that Holden’s new bike was already broken, or that he’d hit yet another baseball through the kitchen window, or that he’d clogged the toilet because he wanted to see how many of his little plastic army men he could flush, and he’d scream for Holden, come tearing through the house looking for him. When we were younger, it was even harder to tell us apart because we pretty much dressed the same (though never identically, thank God), and I’d let Dad think I was Holden and take out his rage through his fists. Had Holden ever thanked me for that? Did he ever mention it? No, I didn’t think so. But now here he was, ready to disown me, just like the rest of them.
“It works both ways,” I said now. “You can’t say that blood is thicker than water and then disown me because I’m not doing what you want. I haven’t wronged a single one of you, and neither has Lena, but you want to make it out like we’re both trying to destroy you guys.”
“You don’t think we didn’t see how she was looking down on us at brunch?” Mom bawled. “I was trying to do everything in my power to make nice, to compliment her, and her house, and she could barely even look at me! She’s one of those elitist, urban people who thinks she’s just so much better than people like us. We don’t want that for you, Shep! We want you to be with someone who can accept you—and your family—for exactly who they are.”
“She does accept me,” I said in a calm voice. “And she tried to extend an olive branch to you guys by inviting you over. And what was the first thing you did? Not even bother to let us know that you were going to be bringing three times as many people as we thought.”
“We shouldn’t have to notify you that your family is going to be coming to a brunch that you said was a family brunch!”
“I invited you and Dad. I’m not saying that the rest of the family couldn’t come, too, but I think it was pretty clear in our conversation that we thought it was going to be the two of you, the two of us. So that started it. Then you guys take all the food, and Holden starts accusing her of what—sleeping with her co-worker? I mean, I couldn’t even believe my ears at that one. So while it’s great that you guys felt the need to call this intervention—or whatever the hell you want to call it—it’s nothing but you trying to control me, to dictate how I live my life so it best suits you guys. Well, guess what? I’m done with that. I’ve had enough. If you guys decide that you can accept me for who I am and how I’m living my life—and that includes who I’m dating—then by all means, let me know. But until t
hen, I am done.”
I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything else. My mother let out a gasping sob as I turned and walked away, but I didn’t stop, didn’t go over and try to console her. I felt strangely calm and empty as I walked out of the house, perhaps for the last time.
Uncle Devin was heading up to the house as I made my way down the cracked brick walkway. “Family meeting over?” he asked.
“Might want to give Mom a minute,” I said. “She’s a little upset.”
He turned his head toward me but didn’t quite meet my eye. “Something you said?”
“Yeah, I guess. Nothing bad, though.”
“Must be bad enough if you’re telling me not to go in there just yet.”
I shrugged. “You know what? Go ahead—go in there. You guys can all get together and talk about how awful I am and how I should just be content to live here and go after people that you guys think are threats.”
Uncle Devin shrugged. “I don’t much care what you do,” he said. “It’s your life; not mine.”
“Well, thanks,” I said. “I think. At least one of your brothers doesn’t feel the same way, though.”
“That’s the thing. You’re not my son. If you were my son, maybe I’d feel differently. Most fathers seem to want their sons to be a certain way, and it can be real hard to reconcile that if they don’t add up to that idea.”
“I’d think Dad would be okay with having one son who is basically his carbon copy.”
Uncle Devin nodded and started to walk past me, but then he stopped. “The thing that your father doesn’t quite understand,” he said slowly, “is the fact that you like to fight. You get that from him. It’s not like you’re against violence or something. So why shouldn’t you be part of the muscle for our little operation here? We don’t have the manpower that the Mexican cartels have, or even the motorcycle gangs. We’re really a mom-and-pop sorta operation here, and that means all hands on deck. That’s what’s confusing to your father. You’re willing to fight, just not for your family.”
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