She set her purse down and then turned to face me. We both stood there, neither of us saying anything. But the silence didn’t feel weird; it didn’t feel awkward. And I felt in no hurry whatsoever to think of something to say. We were engaged in a staring contest, it seemed, the sort of staring contest where the stakes were raised with every passing second. My throat felt dry and it was almost as if I could feel the rational part of my mind shutting down. I could stop this, I knew—there was still time—but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here and see how things played out. Because I had a feeling it was going to be incredible.
Chapter 16
Teagan
It felt like there was a current of electricity in the room that hadn’t been there previously. I felt hyper-aware of his every move, almost like I could anticipate it before it was happening. The fine hairs on my forearms stood straight up. I took a step closer to him.
He looked at me, the expression in his eyes intense and deep. It was as though he was communicating something to me without actually speaking, this silent language that we were both somehow fluent in.
And where was that little voice of doubt, the one that could always be counted on to pop up whenever I was about to do something and demand to know if what I was doing really was such a good idea? That voice was completely absent—in fact, I almost felt like a whole new person. I felt, I realized, as I took another step closer to Ben, the space separating our bodies now mere inches, I felt like the Teagan who had a wildly popular Instagram account, who was sure of herself, who had confidence in her abilities. Her desirability. I also knew that Ben was helping with that—the look in his eyes clearly communicated that he wanted me, even though there was a part of him that knew he shouldn’t.
I reached out and took his hand, felt the way he trembled slightly as I pulled that hand closer to me, placed it on my ribcage, right underneath my left breast. He exhaled slowly, his eyes closing, as his fingers pressed gently against me. He pulled me closer, and then his hands were gently unbuttoning my blouse.
It felt like I was shedding an old skin as he took my shirt off. I reached around and undid my bra, kept my eyes on his face as I pulled it away, letting one strap slide down, then the other. The air felt cool on my breasts, but his hands, when he touched them, were warm; they radiated heat.
“Teagan,” he said, his voice warm against my neck. He squeezed my breasts and played with my nipples, making both of them shrink to tiny, hard little points. Waves of a most incredible, delicious feeling began to flow over me, not just my erogenous zones, but my whole body—my toes, the soles of my feet, my legs, torso. The only thoughts my brain seemed capable of producing were on the most base, physical level: I was aware of the way his body felt, the way his body was making mine feel.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. I reached under his shirt, ran my fingertips across the tight drum of his lower abdomen, felt the definition of the muscles there, felt the way he quivered when I made contact. He felt so good, and feeling him touch me felt so good, too.
“Teagan,” he said, and he opened his eyes, pulled his hands back. He had a pained expression on his face. “We can’t... I can’t do this. You’ve got to understand, it has nothing to do with how I actually feel about you. Because trust me when I say, I would absolutely love to take the rest of your clothes off and lie down on that bed with you. You’re gorgeous and incredible and... you’re also my client. I just... can’t.”
He looked truly tortured by the whole thing, and I believed what he was saying. But I also believed these feelings within me, and I knew that if I accepted his answer, I would regret it. Feelings like these were not to be ignored.
“I do understand that,” I said. “And I actually respect that you’re willing to set aside what you might want to do because of ethics.” I took his hands and placed them back on my breasts. My heart thudded in my chest. “So I am officially relieving you of your duties.”
His eyes widened. “You’re firing me?”
I supposed that was one way of looking at it. “If that is the only way that I’m going to get you to take the rest of my clothes off and get into bed with me, then, yes. I’m firing you.”
This gave him pause. He was not the sort of person who got fired; he was not the sort of person who would put his desires before protocol. But he was also a person, and if he was feeling anything even close to what I was, then there was no way that we could just ignore this.
“We can talk about the details later,” he said, and then he leaned down and kissed me.
It was the sort of passionate kiss I’d seen in movies but had never really experienced myself. With other guys, I’d always been holding back a bit, unable to let myself completely go. Was it because I didn’t trust them? Didn’t trust myself? Maybe a little of both. With Ben, though, everything was different. My self-consciousness was gone. My apprehension about just what I was supposed to do with a man’s body had vanished. Some sort of primal instinct seemed to have taken over, and I was more than happy to see just where it went.
This newfound intuition directed me to unbutton Ben’s pants and slide them down his legs, along with his boxer shorts. I dropped onto my knees as he looked down at me in surprise.
“No, you don’t have to—” he started, but his voice cut off abruptly as I took him into my mouth. I couldn’t entirely believe that I was doing this, that I was taking charge like I was, but it was very clear that he was enjoying every single moment of it. I moved my mouth slowly, feeling him get bigger and harder. He ran his hands through my hair and groaned.
I started to move faster, sensing that he liked that, and as I did, I looked up at him. His eyes stayed closed for a few seconds, but then it was like he could sense that I was looking at him, and he opened his eyes and met my gaze. He surged in my mouth, hitting the back of my throat, but I relaxed and was able to take him in even further. He made a growling sound and twisted his fingers through my hair.
“You’re too good,” he gasped, and he gently held my head while he slid himself back. “Show me your bedroom.”
I stood up and he followed me into the bedroom.
“My turn,” he said. He slid my pants and underwear off and had me lie back on the bed, my ass near the edge. He knelt down in front of me, spread my legs, and hoisted them up on his shoulders.
“You continue to amaze me,” he said softly, before he lowered his face down between my legs. He used not just his tongue but also his lips, and in no time, I was writhing on the bed, grabbing handfuls of sheets because I didn’t know if my body could contain everything I was feeling. My chest heaved and I squeezed his head between my thighs, thrust my hips up. He eased himself back a little, just far enough that he could slide a finger inside of me. My body bucked as he found that special spot right behind my pubic bone, and he pressed, gently at first, then more firmly, and he lowered his face back down and worked his tongue in slow circles around my clit.
I had to shut my eyes because it was too overwhelming to keep them open—behind my closed eyelids, blooms of color expanded and dissipated. I was vaguely aware of the sounds I was making, primal, animal sounds, sounds that I had never made before, probably would’ve been embarrassed to, but in this moment, it was the only thing to do.
It felt like there was a hot ball of energy swirling through me, a power that Ben seemed to control, that he could amplify or ease as he wanted to. He pulled his fingers out almost all the way, but not quite, and slowly ran them over me, sending shivers shooting up my spine. He seemed perfectly attuned to me, bringing me to the edge before pulling back just enough that I wouldn’t go completely over. How did he know? It was like he was feeling what I was feeling, but how on earth would something like that be possible?
“I want to be inside of you,” he said. He had a condom, which he put on, but then, instead of staying on my back, I had him lie down. I straddled him, placed a hand on his chest, and then lowered myself down. He anchored his hands on my hips and our breath caught in our throats a
s I slid all the way down on him.
“Just stay here for a minute,” he breathed, hands tight on me. I did as he said and we didn’t move, though inside me, I could feel something happening. Something like energy building, swirling inside of me, something that I felt was moving beyond my control. But it felt so good that I didn’t care if I lost all control completely. The novelty of this was not lost on me; had I ever felt like this before? Had I ever felt so completely comfortable with someone that I could let loose, like the way you might dance if you thought no one was watching?
I wasn’t sure who started to move first, or if we both started at the same time, but I began to gyrate my hips back and forth, and then from one side to the other. Ben brought his hands up and touched my breasts, my sides, then held back on to my hips as we moved faster. I had my eyes closed and my head back, but then I shifted slightly, opening my eyes and looking down at him, and he opened his eyes right then and we gazed at each other as we did it. There was such a strong connection, it felt as though our gazes were tethered, and looking into his eyes only made the sensations even more intense.
I leaned back, rocking my hips. He slid one hand down from my hips in between my legs, finding my clit as we moved, the delicious flow of energy between us building, making my brain feel like it was going to short-circuit. I gasped and shrieked, not caring how I sounded, how I looked, because the only thing that mattered in that moment was him, and the way that he was making me feel. The climax seemed to happen all at once, just this blissful explosion of sensation, showering my entire body with the most incredible feelings I had ever experienced.
“Holy shit!” I gasped as our movements started to slow.
“Thank you,” he whispered into my ear as I leaned down over him, trying to catch my breath.
I don’t know how long we lay like that, but eventually I rolled off of him. He was starting to drift off to sleep, and I would’ve gladly followed suit, but I was incredibly thirsty. So I stayed where I was for another few minutes, enjoying the receding sensations. It was like a drug, except there weren’t any bad side effects, no awful hangover, no brutal comedown. Just this warm, pleasant, fuzzy feeling, like being wrapped up in gauzy pink cotton candy.
I slowly got up from the bed, being careful not to wake him. I went out to the kitchen to get a drink of water when I heard my phone go off again. It was on the counter, next to the fruit bowl, and I glanced down at the screen as I took a sip. It was Elliott. I sighed. He had already called a few times and sent a few texts; I reached down and picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my voice low so I wouldn’t wake Ben. Was it weird that I had just picked up the phone to talk to my ex-boyfriend when the man I had just slept with was still in my bed?
“Do you realize that I’m always the one to initiate contact?” he asked, not even bothering to say hello.
“Really?” I said, trying to think back to the last few times we’d talked. I couldn’t remember if it had been me who’d called him or vice versa. “That’s not intentional or anything.”
“It sort of feels that way. Anyway, that’s beside the point. I just talked to my father and he said that he ran into you up in Guerneville. I almost didn’t believe him at first.” He laughed. “What on earth would you be doing up in Guerneville? I remember how hard it was trying to get you to visit my dad when we were together.”
“Now’s not really a good time,” I said. “Can I call you later?”
“Why did you pick up your phone if now’s not a good time?”
Good question. In fact, I wished I hadn’t, but I wasn’t about to tell him that. “I just… I saw that it was you and I at least wanted to say hi. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”
“No, of course not. You sound happy, actually. What’s going on? Any good news to share?”
Obviously, there was no way in hell I was going to tell him I sounded happy because I’d just gotten laid...
“Uh...” My mind spun. “Well, I might be putting a book out.”
What? Why had I said that? I hadn’t heard anything back from anyone at Gemini, and the more time that passed, the less likely it seemed that I would.
“Really?” Elliott said. “I didn’t realize you were going to add published author to your repertoire. Some sort of spinoff of your Instagram account, I assume?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’m still just talking with the people about it, though; nothing is set in stone.”
“My, my, Teagan,” he said. “You’ve certainly come a long way from the girl I used to know.”
“Don’t say anything to anyone,” I told him. “It’s still early. But... it could be exciting. If it works out. Listen—I have to go, but I’ll give you a call soon, okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said. “Keep me posted about that book.”
I hung up the phone and then finished my glass of water. Back in the bedroom, I stood there in the doorway for a moment, watching the outline of Ben on my bed. Just looking at him filled me with delight, made me feel as if everything was going to be okay. I tiptoed over and got into bed, curled up next to him, and let myself drift off to sleep.
***
The next morning, I woke up slowly, beams of sunlight gently pushing their way through the curtains. There was a light breeze. The bed was empty, though, and I sat up, remembering that it hadn’t been empty when I’d fallen asleep. Had he left?
But then I heard a noise from the bathroom, so I got up. I grabbed a green silk robe from my closet and put it on, the soft fabric cool against my skin. I went out to the kitchen and was making coffee when Ben appeared.
“Good morning,” he said. He came over and kissed me, a gesture that immediately erased any potential awkwardness.
“Hi,” I said once we pulled back. “Did you sleep okay?”
“I slept great. Probably one of the best night’s sleep I’ve had in some time.”
While the water was boiling for coffee, I made us bagels and cut up some strawberries. When everything was ready, we sat at the table, looking out over the street at the cars passing by.
“Teagan,” Ben said, “I think we need to talk.”
I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk, because wouldn’t that just ruin everything? I wanted to hold on to this magic a little longer, before ruining it with bringing up reality. I didn’t want to hear him say that he had done something he shouldn’t have. Something he wished he could take back. That he regretted.
“I know we should,” I said, “but can we at least enjoy our coffee first?”
He smiled. “It’s nothing that we can’t enjoy our coffee over. What happened last night was not something I planned on... but I’m glad it happened.”
“I am too. And I wasn’t planning on it either. I know that doing that went against your... your ethics, I guess. I wasn’t trying to put you in a position where you’d have to do that.”
“Well... you technically didn’t, since you fired me. But I guess what I want to talk about is whether that’s really what you wanted to do. I mean, I can’t continue to be your security guard, but there’s plenty of great people who work with me, and I would certainly recommend one of them to you.”
I considered this. It wasn’t necessarily a bad idea, but then again, it would probably feel really strange to have someone else fulfilling that role, someone who wasn’t Ben. And there was still that part of me that had felt weird all along having a security guard, to begin with.
“I met you because you were concerned about your safety,” Ben said. “And I think you do have a legitimate concern. I don’t want what has happened between us to put that in jeopardy.”
“I hear what you’re saying. But... maybe it’s not bad that things worked out this way. Maybe it was the way things were supposed to go. Because I’ve wondered all along if what I was doing was really necessary. Or if I was just overreacting. Which I think I was. The whole thing that happened with Cecily, and then that guy randomly yelling at me when I walke
d in front of him, and then I ended up meeting you... I guess the only thing that I do know is... I feel happier being with you than I do with anyone else. I really like being around you. I don’t want anything bad to happen for you, work-wise—I don’t want you to get in trouble or feel like you’re breaking some sort of protocol. That was never my intention.”
He smiled. “I know. I didn’t think that was your grand plan all along. I’ll be honest with you, Teagan. I thought that I could handle this. I knew a few days after we first met that I could be setting myself up for trouble if I worked with you, but I thought I could handle it. Obviously that’s not the case. I’m not the sort of person who goes against the rules, so if you’d like to continue to see where things go with us, then, no, we won’t be able to work together anymore. But I won’t mind that, because it means that we can be free to do this, whenever we want.” He leaned over and kissed me.
“I like the sound of that,” I said, kissing him back.
Chapter 17
Ben
I knew better than to mention anything about Teagan at work, though I also knew that eventually the truth would have to come out: she was no longer a client. Whenever I tried to wrap my mind around the logistics of the way it went down, I just started thinking about how incredible it had been to be with her, and that really seemed to be all that mattered.
What I wasn’t planning on was Drew coming into my office to talk about a new contract for a cycling event next month, south of the city, but then abruptly veering from that subject to ask me about Teagan. I stared at him, the silence growing. Did he know? Did he have some kind of sixth sense about this sort of thing? I couldn’t tell from his expression whether this was just an honest curiosity, or whether he had somehow figured it out.
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