“Oh, no,” I said, shaking my head. “This has nothing to do with Ben. If anything, knowing him has actually helped me feel better about myself, which I know probably sounds pathetic—that I need a guy for validation—but Ben is actually a really amazing person.”
“Why did you stop working with him, then? It seemed like such a good setup the two of you had.”
“Well, honestly? Part of me felt like I was making a big deal over this whole thing. I mean, I’ve kind of felt like that the whole time—like, who am I to need my own personal bodyguard? I’m not some A-list Hollywood actor. Sure, some people recognize me when I go out, but more often than not, I can go out and not be bothered by anyone.”
“I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all,” Meredith said. “In fact, the night you first told us about it—when we were all gathered at my place—I thought it was genius. I wondered why I hadn’t thought about it myself. It makes so much sense, and it’s not like we can’t afford it, right? Like, let’s actually put our money to some good use. I sure as hell don’t want to be the next person who’s gunned down by the psycho who is still on the loose. Don’t even get me started on the fact that the police have turned up zero leads. How, in this day and age, is that even possible? It’s insane. But you were smart. You hired yourself protection. James, of course, being the macho guy that he is, doesn’t think we need something like that, but he’s not always paying attention to everything that’s happening. And for all his bravado, he’s not really like a tough guy. Not like Ben.”
I raised my eyes in surprise. “You think Ben seems like a tough guy?”
“Yes. But not in the traditional sense. He’s definitely got this quiet strength about him. You know, the sort of person you wouldn’t want to mess with, underneath that super-nice exterior of his. He’s really a great guy.”
“He is,” I said, and I couldn’t help but smile just thinking about it. He really was this amazing person, and what was even more amazing—to me—was the fact that he was so into me in the first place.
Meredith looked at me closely. “Wait a second,” she said. “Teagan. Is there... is there something going on between you guys?”
She stared at me, the intensity in her gaze almost enough to make me want to shrink back. But there was another part of me that liked this, that liked feeling as if I had her attention captive, that she was waiting on me to tell her something... And who had I really talked to about this whole situation, anyway, other than Ben himself (which didn’t really count because he was the one I was involved with)? No one. I’d replayed all the good times in my head, but I hadn’t talked about it with anyone else. Aoife would’ve been the one I’d likely have spoken to, but even then, it was more because she was my sister, not because she was a close friend and someone I wanted to confide in.
“There is,” I finally said, and the look on Meredith’s face flitted between utter disbelief and pure excitement.
“Holy shit!” she said. “Teagan, you’re badass. So is that why he’s not working with you anymore? Because it breaks some sort of protocol or something? He seems like the sort of guy who would be a stickler for that sort of thing.”
“Exactly,” I said. And I proceeded to tell her what had happened when we’d first hooked up, though I didn’t delve into too many details. That I still wasn’t totally comfortable with divulging, even though Meredith was asking some pretty pointed questions: how long did we do it for, how big was he, how many times did I come?
I blinked, trying to hide my embarrassment. Did she really expect me to answer those questions? I would never even dream of asking her something like that about her relationship with James, no matter how long we had known each other or how close we were.
“I get it if you don’t want to tell me,” she said. “I just love the juicy details. Whatever. I think it’s so hot that you went for it like that. It’s just too bad that he’s not working with you anymore.”
“I guess, but I actually think I feel better not having a security guard follow me around. I was freaked out by everything that had happened, and I think I let that get the better of me. And I still see Ben plenty; it’s not really like that much has changed, except that I’m not paying him.”
Meredith laughed. “I would certainly hope not! It’s not like you of all people would need to pay someone.”
I almost couldn’t believe my ears. Here I was, sitting with this girl whom I had assumed for so long only invited me over because I had a popular Instagram account, not because she actually liked me. Yet that clearly couldn’t be further from the truth, because we’d spent the better part of an hour just hanging out and talking like this was something we did all the time. Had Meredith been trying to get closer to me before and I had just been so oblivious that I hadn’t noticed? Or had my shitty self-esteem somehow convinced me that such a thing wouldn’t be possible, because why would someone like Meredith ever like someone like me?
But it would seem that things were changing for me. Maybe I was finally becoming, in real life, the Teagan everyone saw online. Though I hadn’t really consciously done anything to instigate this change, I liked thinking that it was happening. I certainly wouldn’t try to get in the way of it.
Chapter 18
Ben
“Guess who I hung out with last night,” Teagan said. I had finished up at work early and had gone over to her place immediately after. We were sitting in her living room, drinking lemonade and listening to the traffic and the people out on the street below.
“Who?”
“Meredith.”
I looked at her, trying to gauge if she was joking with me or not, if she had somehow found out that Meredith had been trying to get me to come and work for her. Not that I thought Teagan was the sort of person to play games like that. But she was smiling, grinning, really, and seemed quite pleased.
“Oh, yeah?” I said, in what I hoped was a neutral tone. “I didn’t realize the two of you hung out.”
“I didn’t either. Not until last night, anyway. I had just been planning on going home, but I happened to stop into Sweetleaf, because I wanted to get a hot chocolate, and Meredith was there, right in front of me in line. And then she asked if I wanted to hang out for a little bit, and we were there for a while. It was really nice.”
“That’s great,” I said, though I wasn’t sure how great I really thought it was. Not that I didn’t think Teagan should be able to hang out with whoever she wanted, but there was something about Meredith that seemed a little sketchy to me. Maybe it was her insistence that I work with her, or the way she always seemed ready to direct the attention back to herself. “Glad to hear you had a fun time.”
“I really like her. I feel like we got to know each other better, since it was just the two of us, and I really like who she is. I think I kind of judged her before, which wasn’t really fair of me.”
Teagan had a sort of daydreamy look on her face. Part of me wanted to ask what they had talked about, but I knew that made me sound like a weird control freak—did it matter what they’d talked about? If it had been anything that Teagan wanted me to know, she would tell me, and she didn’t seem to really want to be very forthcoming. Which was fine, I told myself. There was no need to dwell on it. Besides, Teagan and I still hadn’t really talked about us—were we in a relationship? Or was this just a casual thing? It was something that we should probably talk about, though I wasn’t sure if now was the time to or not. But maybe it was a good idea, because at least then it would get Teagan’s mind off of Meredith.
“Hey,” I said, and her eyes focused on me. “I’ve been thinking about the direction that things have been going with us. And I’m not sure what your thoughts are about it, but I do know that I love spending time with you. If you want to keep things casual, or take them slowly, that’s fine with me; I just—”
“It’s a little late to be taking it slow, wouldn’t you say?” she asked with a grin.
“Good point.”
“Are you... are you aski
ng me to be your girlfriend?”
“Yes,” I said. I did have some lingering doubt over getting involved with someone again. I had never thought Camille would pull the shit she did; I’d thought I knew her, but that had turned out wrong. Of course there was a part of me that knew Teagan could do the same thing, but what were the chances of that? I didn’t want to turn my back on love, on the possibility of being with someone. “Would you? Like to be my girlfriend?”
She grinned. “Nothing would make me happier.”
***
That weekend, to celebrate our new status as official couple, we planned on going up to the cabin. I was getting a few things ready to leave in the fridge for Dad, who was seated at the kitchen table watching me, nursing a beer.
“So, you’re going up there with a woman this time,” he said. He nodded his approval. “That’s good. That’s very good. The only thing that might make it better is if that bitch of an ex of yours happened to be up there, too, and you could throw it in her face. This new one’s better-looking, right? You gotta make sure she’s better-looking.”
“That’s not how I’m looking at it,” I said. “That really has nothing to do with it. Teagan and Camille look completely different; there’s no point in doing a comparison.”
Dad looked let down. “That means she’s not,” he said. “Well—is she rich, at least?”
I snapped the lid shut on the Tupperware of rice and beans he probably wouldn’t bother eating.
“I’m not going to answer that.”
“Then she must not be. Where does she work?”
“She...” I paused, unsure of how to explain this to my father. He wasn’t the most tech-savvy person, and probably wouldn’t understand the concept of someone making a living from their social media account.
He grunted. “Don’t tell me she’s unemployed. A gold-digger? You do all right for yourself, son, but you’re not loaded or anything.”
“Dad!” He regarded me as he took a sip from his beer bottle, completely unfazed.
“Am I not allowed to express any interest in what is going on in your life?”
“It’s not that, Dad. It’s just what you’re asking, and then the assumptions you’re making after you ask. Next, you’re going to want to know what it’s like in the bedroom. Which I’m not going to tell you.”
He grinned. “The bedroom? You’ve told me enough.” He held his beer bottle up to me. “Crack one open for yourself—this deserves a toast. You’re getting laid. That’s why you’ve seemed so much better lately. Isn’t that what I’ve told you all along? That you need to get laid? It’s okay; you can admit your old man was right. I still know some things.”
This conversation couldn’t get over fast enough. “Okay, Dad,” I said. “I’m putting these containers in the fridge. Rice and beans, sautéed broccoli, some baked tofu. Please have some of it, okay? Don’t eat crap all weekend.”
“It’s not good if she’s unemployed, though,” he mused, completely ignoring me. “Why don’t you find yourself someone who is at least financially independent?”
“For Christ’s sake, Dad, Teagan makes a shitload of money, probably way more than I’ll ever make. If you must know.”
“Really?” he said. “Now you’re talking. Why didn’t you just say that before? What does she do?”
“She makes her money from her social media account.”
“You mean online?”
“Yes.”
“Like... a sex thing?”
“No, not a sex thing. She takes pictures of her apartment.”
He gave me a blank look. “Huh? Her apartment? And that’s how she makes money?”
“I don’t have time to explain the nuances of social media to you right now,” I said. “If you’re that curious you can go online and find out yourself.”
“When do I get to meet her? Because now I’m curious.”
“At some point. Maybe I’ll talk to her about it this weekend and we can figure out a time to get together.”
“Because, I mean, if she’s making her living taking pictures of her apartment... it doesn’t sound like she’s going to be that busy. She probably has plenty of time. Surely she could make some time for her new boyfriend’s father, who would just really like to shake the hand of this person who was able to open your eyes to the fact that there are other women out there besides Camille.”
I chewed the inside of my lip to keep from saying anything else; I didn’t want the conversation to go any further. I couldn’t take having to talk to my dad about any past or current girlfriends.
It was a relief when I was finally able to make my escape, and even more of a relief when I got to Teagan’s and she trotted out of her apartment building, a little quilted duffel bag in tow. She tossed it in the back, slid into the passenger seat, and we were off. We had the windows down and listened to Arcade Fire as we departed the city, and I imagined all of our stress and anxiety being something physical, something tangible that was getting left behind as we crossed over the Golden Gate Bridge and into the Marin Headlands.
I had already forgotten everything with my dad by the time we reached the cabin, and I was eager to get our weekend underway. I figured we wouldn’t hang around here for too long, once we got our stuff inside; I was hoping Teagan would want to go for a walk, maybe even a swim. I unlocked the front door and pushed it open, letting her go in before me. I was a few paces behind her when she stopped dead in her tracks.
“Oh!” she said. “Um...”
“What?” I walked up behind her, expecting to see a spider, or maybe even that pesky chipmunk that was always trying to find new ways to make himself a nuisance and sneak in to forage for food. But it was neither of those—right there on the floor, carelessly tossed like an old sock, was a condom. A used condom.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I said. “Just... don’t look at it. I’ll take care of it.”
I went and got a latex glove from underneath the kitchen sink. No way in hell was I touching that thing with my bare hand. I disposed of the condom in the trash, wishing our plumbing was more robust so I could just flush the thing and be rid of it forever. “Sorry about that,” I said to Teagan after I had washed my hands. “Talk about the last thing you want to be greeted with.”
“Should we... should we wash the sheets?”
I could see into the bedroom from where I was standing, and the bed had clearly not been re-made, the sheets all a jumble, the comforter trampled on the floor, pillows askew. The whole situation suddenly seemed so screwed up—like the realization was finally dawning on me. How long had my father been telling me this for?
“I’ve got to sell the cabin,” I said.
“Oh, I didn’t mean that I thought you should do that,” Teagan said quickly. “I mean, it’s not really any different than staying in a hotel or something, is it? We’ll just change the sheets; it’s no big deal.”
But it was different from staying in a hotel, because unless it was a by-the-hour place, you weren’t going to find someone else’s used condom just lying there on the floor. It had been a few weeks since I’d last been up here—how long had that condom been there, anyway? I couldn’t help but view this as a hostile act. Which wasn’t really fair on Camille’s part, seeing as I had done nothing to warrant such behavior.
“It is a big deal,” I said. “This whole thing is so messed up, and I’m just realizing it now. I can’t continue to own a piece of property with my ex. It’s not like I built this place with my own two hands. I love it, yes, and I’ve spent time and money improving it, but it’s just a house. Camille and I should have figured this out when we first split up. It was stupid to think that we could keep this between us and that everything would be okay.”
“I support you in whatever you decide you want to do,” Teagan said. “Though I know how much you love this place. And it seems like you two have figured out a decent enough plan.”
“Prices have gone up,” I said. “I can’t afford to buy her out. The best I can h
ope for is that she’ll want to sell it and we’ll just split the proceeds. But with Camille, who knows.”
“You should talk to her. You won’t know anything unless you talk to her.”
I took a deep breath. The last thing I wanted was for Camille to ruin my time up here. I would have to deal with this issue at some point, but now was not the time. And I was grateful that Teagan was being cool about it; some girls wouldn’t take to such a situation so kindly.
“I’ll talk to her later,” I said. “I need to do some thinking first and figure things out. I don’t know if I should talk to a realtor or something?”
“That might not be a bad idea.”
“But I really don’t want to talk about Camille. Let’s just enjoy ourselves.”
She came over and put her arms around my neck, looked up at me. Gazing into her eyes felt like coming home, so comforting and familiar, but at the same time enthralling, breathtaking. If I could feel like this every day of my life, I would be a happy man.
Chapter 19
Teagan
After the whole debacle with the used condom, I could tell that Ben was feeling a little on edge—understandably—though maybe there was an explanation for the whole thing. That was my initial thinking, but what, exactly, would be a plausible explanation for something like that? It did seem that sharing a cabin with an ex like this probably wasn’t the best idea; I could never imagine Elliott and me being able to pull something like that off.
But still, whether or not he still owned the place with Camille, that didn’t get in the way of us enjoying our time there together, once the used condom was taken care of, of course.
We spent the rest of the day outside. I would never have thought I was the sort of person who would be able to go on a long hike, break it up with a swim in the river, and then continue on for another five or so miles. There was something so invigorating about being out here, though, something that made me feel like my soul was being re-energized. That didn’t mean my leg muscles weren’t sore, or my back didn’t ache, but it was in a good way, a productive way, a way that told me I was really doing something beneficial for myself.
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