by KT Morrison
“I’m sorry, I can—”
“Find your own way home,” he said.
“What?”
He left. Turned his back on her and he marched across the dance floor weaving through the happy swinging couples. He barged through the lobby, his face drew worried stares from passers-by. Somehow he found his way through the hotel, through the parking lot to the car, opened it and fell into it, slumped in the seat. He was empty, numb. Hollowed out like an abandoned mine. Tearful Geoff was dry. His loss was so profound he hadn’t got a grip on it, it was too big to surmise its shape. He hoped once it was clear to him it didn’t drown him, consume him. He sat in the quiet car and blinked. Watched the cold blue sky turning a deep evening blue. Cars hissed along the highway.
If he had a backbone he would start the car. His brain told him to do it. Let’s go, Geoff. We’ll go and stay at your sister’s. He could do that. Go there and hug his Odie.
The idea of distance right now between him and Nia scared him. He couldn't do it. What was she doing right now? Was she crying? Were her friends consoling her? Did his departure after an altercation with Rocco just alert everyone that he was a cuckold. Would they forever now see him sporting the horns?
He trembled at the thought of leaving her. He couldn't do it. Now he cried. Not at what she’d done but the idea of him leaving her all alone. The idea that he’d hurt her, that she might suffer, that he could put pain in her heart like how he felt now, it was devastating him.
“Ah, fuck,” he whispered, and he wiped his face with the palms of his hands, sniffed, cried some more then pressed his thumb and finger into his eyes and he roared. He punched the steering wheel. “Ahh, Nia,” he sighed and he got back out of her convertible.
He crossed the parking lot, walked to the lobby again, through to the Colombo wedding and across the dance floor. Nia’s friends, her friends’ families, all turned to see him come in. He let them look. It was so obvious, wasn't it? Nia had fucked her boss. Geoff was not man enough for a woman like his beautiful wife. No surprise there. She’d been taken by her masculine boss. It was confirmed to all. He let them look. He suffered their sympathy, real or imagined. A man like Geoff would never be enough for a woman like Nia but he would never stop loving her.
He found her sitting at his table, sitting at the chair he’d sat at for dinner. She was crying. Ang sat with her. Ang saw him first and she watched him too, worry on her face. She saw him for the weakling he was, how she always suspected. He was a worthless man but he loved her. She nudged Nia. Nia looked up and her cheeks were black with her tears. He came and held his hand to her and she took it. She was unsure, she watched his eyes with a wet tremble. Her lips quivered. He took her hand and he helped her up. He hugged her.
“Please come home with me,” he whispered, hoping desperately she would say yes.
32
Transitory
Wednesday, August 30th
GEOFF
Boxis Books held Choo’s launch party at their quaint and quirky flagship store in Cabbagetown. Boxis was a book-reader’s favourite, a warm and well-lit bookshop that catered to young readers in a hundred-fifty year old brick building that was once a firehouse. Now it was painted a monotone putty grey, interior and exterior. The colourful kids books stood out against its plain wrapping. The place was all about the books.
Turnout was good. Jenny and Evergreen had done much to promote it. There had been a line out front when he arrived and there was a camera from CityTV to get some footage. About seventy people in total, including the kids. All the attendees had been admitted now and the kids were all arranged at tables with balloons tied to them. Geoff was going to draw with them and Gordon Townsend, who’d written the book, was going to read the new Choo to them. There was cake for the kids and a wine bar for the parents.
“Daddy...look at all the kids...” Odie next to him, tugging on his pant leg. She wore a pretty but austere dress, black skirt and top with a white collared shirt. He’d brushed her wild hair straight back and held it there in berettes. He hardly recognized her. She was pressed to his leg, staring at the raucous crowd. His gregarious girl wasn’t intimidated, he thought she might actually be impressed. He caressed her cheek, held her close to his leg and let her hug him.
“What’s with the sad face, Geoff? You should be very excited,” Jenny laughed, then nodded to the gathered kids, “Odie’s right, look at all these people...”
“I am happy,” he said. He was. The sight of people excited about something he’d drawn affected him, warmed him. But he’d been hollowed out already. His wife had scooped out his insides and he just didn’t know what it all meant. What little tingle of happiness worked its way through his central nervous system right now, it felt very distant, like vague electric clicks on the first transcontinental telegraph.
Jenny stood next to him, the three of them at the edge of the room, their backs to a wall with a shelf of books. Geoff wore a suit without a tie. Dark colours but with friendly plaid shirt, Odie stood on his polished brogues.
“Nia couldn’t make it?” Jenny asked him now. He’d cancelled having drinks before the launch.
He nodded his bearded chin across the room.
“Oh,” she said, and took another sip of her wine.
Nia was coming from the wine bar, crossing the room with two glasses of white wine held in her elegant hands. They watched her work her way through the kids, weaving through the bustling tables until she made it to them. She smiled and handed Geoff a glass and wedged herself between him and Jenny. She hadn’t said hello to her. Heels were left at home tonight and she wore flats and a simple dress, her hair tied back like Odie.
“It’s a great turnout,” Jenny said, “Don’t you think?” Trying to engage Nia.
“Mm, it is,” she said and sipped her wine. Her arm slipped around Geoff’s waist and she held herself to him, leaned her head against his shoulder.
They stood and watched quietly a while. Odie clung to him, her little feet scuffing over his. When it was time, Jenny held her hand out to him and she said, “I think we’re ready, Geoff.” He took her hand and she led him to the front of the room where there was a microphone. Odie stayed with her mom and he walked to join Gordon and all eyes were on them now. Jenny took the microphone first and she introduced Geoff and Gordon. Gordon was a good twenty years older and he’d only met him once, though they’d spoken on the phone a few times. They stood side by side, smiling together like they were old friends. When Jenny unveiled the book the crowd cheered and the kids went wide-eyed. The book appealed to them—over-sized, colourful and glossy. It felt like a hit.
At the back of the room Odie and Nia clapped for him. His two black-haired girls that he loved completely.
NIA
It had been four days of one word answers and sleeping with his back to her.
They were driving home from the book launch Jenny had thrown for him. She’d watched her wonderful husband sit for almost an hour and work with twenty-plus kids, drawing trains with them all. He was kind and patient and he’d brought Odie to sit with him and help. Nia felt so left out. Stood at the edge of the room and drank three glasses of wine while she watched them.
Now they were in the convertible with the top up. Her devastated husband not wanting to enjoy the summer air, the breeze...
“How long are you going to punish me?” she said, surprised by the dry weakness in her voice.
They were paused in traffic, moving slowly along College, just having passed the University. He turned to her and his eyes were empty. He didn’t smile, there was no love, no Geoff glimmer. He looked behind the seats now, watched Odie. She looked as well, saw their daughter’s face lit from below playing Minecraft on her tablet. It was just past eight, close to her bedtime, but she didn’t look very tired.
“Geoff?”
He looked sad now, like he had something to say but he was quiet. She hated the look in his eyes. The distance she saw there. She’d always been able to rely on him. He always ma
de her feel better. Everything ran its course though, didn’t it?
She folded her hands up in her lap and watched out the window ahead of them. “Geoff, when I was twenty and Dino hit me, I told him I was pregnant and I lost the baby. I had been pregnant but I already had lost it naturally. I lied to him. He thinks he killed our baby.” She didn’t look over. She fought the tears, she fought the sobs.
She heard her words. Heard how terrible it was and confessing it to such a good person and the sound of the filthy hidden story in the clean brittle air disgusted her. She’d kept that bottled up inside her. Inside her, it was accepted, laughed at, enjoyed. When it was out it sounded evil. What was wrong with her?
Geoff didn’t say a word. He didn’t rush to her, put his arms around her, make the pain go away. When she looked at him finally she saw his face lit by headlights reflected in the rearview. She saw that he was crying.
GEOFF
Nia’s darkness was deep. Her ability to hurt was profound. Her recognition of her burden was weak. He’d supported her for so long, had always believed in her and never questioned her. Now he was shaken.
She walked up the concrete steps to the kitchen ahead of him, he carried Odie on his hip, her arms around his neck, her tablet in his hand. When Nia entered the kitchen she walked to the sink and she rested her hands on the counter and her head drooped.
“Princess,” he said.
Odie said, “Yeah?”
“Baby, will you go on upstairs for me? I’ll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in.”
She skipped off down the hall and he watched her turn right and disappear up the stairs.
“I’m proud of you, Geoff.”
“I know you are, Nia,” he said, sliding Odie’s tablet onto the island.
She turned then, leaned on the counter. “Do you hate me?”
“No, Nia. I will never hate you.”
“Do you still love me?”
“I do.”
“I don't know the rules,” she said, and her hard nails drummed on the countertop.
He watched her there, his best friend of so many years. Her beautiful shape, her beautiful face. The elegant way her arms stretched, her long fingers and nails, her fine wrists and her narrow waist. This was a hard road they’d come down. When he’d decided to turn down it, set his blinker, he didn’t know it would be so emotional. There was so much more to sex and he was an idiot for not seeing it. “No, I guess you don’t.”
“Do you know the rules?”
He rolled his eyes, sighed. “I don't know Nia, it—”
“I don't think you do.”
“I don't?”
“You make them up as you go along.”
“I guess I fucking do, Nia. You know how I can do that? Because I know right from wrong. I don't know what the rules are but I know when they're broken. I know it when I see it.”
She ran her nails through her hair, her body tense now. “You fuckin wanted this, Geoff. You know you did. You're crazy if you can't see the things I've done for you. I don’t know how many times I have to fuckin spell it out for you.”
“Spell it out for me then. One more time...”
She shook her head, laughing, staring at the ceiling. “I watched your porn. I know what you want and I care what you want. Everything I did turned you on.”
“Everything?”
“I meant it to. I wanted it to.”
“I’m still your husband. I still deserve your fucking respect.”
“You put me in this fuckin spot, Geoff. You know how crazy this is...you think I can figure it out? You dropped me in a dark room and I’m fuckin walking around with my hands out trying not to fall down a hole.”
“You love this fucking room. You love the fucking dark. You know how dark you are? You fucking live there.”
“Fuck this, Geoff,” she said and she waved him away with her hand, rolling her eyes at him.
“Oh, you’re going to fucking walk away?”
“I’m going to bed, you can stay self-righteous here by yourself...” she said as she went to the hall and headed to the stairs. He watched her, picturing himself following after her, grabbing her and twisting her around, making her understand with his eyes, show her his pain. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs.
“How long have you been...were you listening, you little sneak?” She was mad, speaking angrily up the stairs, jabbing a finger. Odie was there, spying on them—
There was a loud rap on the door behind him.
“Go to your room, right now, Odele,” Nia said, her voice firm and angry.
He turned, saw a figure standing on the other side of the glass, a parcel on their hip. He went to the door, his heart seized with worry at what his little girl had overheard, dying at the thought that she might think her mom and dad didn’t love each other. He opened the door.
There was a woman on the stoop standing there with a baby in her arms and in the moment in took him to realize it was Maria she was handing him the baby. He took it and held it to him, said, “Hi, Peter,” smiling as if he’d been expecting them.
Nia came from the hall into kitchen and she saw Maria and she turned and ran. Maria bounded past the island and bumped Geoff as she charged through the kitchen. In three steps she had two handfuls of his wife’s hair and she pulled her by it, pulled her and whipped her to the side and threw her against the wall. Nia was screaming.
“Maria!” Geoff yelled. He couldn’t hear himself over the two fighting women. He stumbled through the kitchen clutching baby Peter to his chest.
Nia was flat on her back, her feet up in the air, kicking her heels into Maria who stood straddling her, two heavy legs planted on either side of her, bent and braced. Her one hand clutched a fistful of Nia’s hair, her other hand, balled in a tight fist, pummelled her face, swinging up and down like a hammer. Nia clawed and scratched back, pulling at Maria’s clothes and hair, trying to rip her with her nails, trying to pinch and tear her ample flesh.
Maria fell on Nia, both her big knees coming down on her belly and knocking the wind out of her. They writhed on the floor. Maria wrestling and elbowing, Nia frantically trying to protect her face. Odele screamed.
“Fuckin whore!” Maria yelled and she scratched Nia’s face.
Geoff ran to the hall, carrying the baby, he scrambled around them and made his way to the bottom of the stairs. Odie was there, still in her pretty dress from his book launch. She had her tiny hands on her cheeks and her mouth was drawn in horror. She screamed and cried.
“Fuck! Odie!” Geoff cried, feeling like he would lose his mind. He turned around in stupid circles, looking to put the baby down. He didn’t know what to do. Protect the baby, protect his Odie, help his wife. He finally set Peter down, when he bent tears streamed from his eyes and onto the floor and onto Peter. Peter let out a wail now too. He turned and pressed his back to the wall at the bottom of the stairs. Maria was on top of Nia now and she had handfuls of her beautiful hair and she was thumping the back of Nia’s head into the maple floor. Nia’s face was bloody, twisted in fear and rage. Her nails gouged Maria’s forearms.
“Odie, baby,” Geoff cried, and he hurtled up the stairs on his hands and knees to his daughter.
“Fucking slut,” Maria growled over and over each time she banged Nia’s head. Her fists tightened in Nia’s hair and they shook as she pulled Nia close and she snarled in her ear, “You wanna fuck him so bad? You wanna fuck my husband, you fucking slut? You think you can take him from me?”
Geoff grabbed Odie and he squeezed her to him, held her so tight. He covered her ears and he buried his face in her hair. He jumped up with her then, carried her in his arms up the rest of the stairs and he hustled her into her room. Her pretty pink room. Her safe room. He put her in her bed and he drew the veil around her. “S-stay here, baby, M-mommmy’s okay, baby, stay here and don’t come out.”
Odie buried herself in her sheets and dug her head under her pillow. Her muffled piercing screams shattered his heart. “Oh God
,” he cried, scratching at his chest, pulling at his shirt and a button popped free and skittered across the floor. “Oh Nia,” he whimpered. He got to Odie’s door, out to the hall, slammed her door tight behind him and went down the stairs. It was over. Nia was a crumpled mess in their hall. Face down, half on a rug, half on the wood. There was blood smeared. Droplets spattered. She covered her face. Maria stood over her. She was bloodied too. Her shirt was torn, her hair was a tangled mess. She huffed breath and she cried. Her face was wrenched in fury. “Fuckin slut...you can’t have him,” she moaned. She spat in Nia’s hair. She kicked her in her side. She sobbed.
“Okay, okay, Maria,” Geoff said as he came down the stairs both hands palms up in surrender. “Just get out of here, please.”
“I fuckin feel so sorry for you,” she said, eyes levelled at Geoff now. She wiped the blood from her mouth with the back of her hand. She walked towards him, bent and picked up her screaming baby. She left. Turned around with Peter on her hip now, his head thrust back, face pinched and red as he hollered at the top of his lungs. They went through the kitchen and out the door.
The house was quiet. Nia’s back softly shook with her cries. He went to her, came to her side and kneeled next to her on the floor. His hand went over her back but he couldn’t touch her, just hovered over her, afraid for some reason.
“Nia,” he cried.
She moaned, stayed down, her legs writhed. “Nia?” he said again and he lay his hand on her back
“Don’t touch me,” she whispered.
“What?”
“Don’t fuckin touch me.” Her voice a wet gurgle.
“Nia...”
“Where were you?” she said into the floor. She sniffed, pushed herself off the floor with her arms and sat up, hunched, her back to him. She clutched her face. “Get out, Geoff.”
“Nia, no...”