by Emma Nichols
Ethan’s hands grasp the mic and his lips come down to it. “I just wrote this song. It’s called ‘Tonight.’ Hope you like it.” He closes his eyes when he starts singing; it’s a slow song, soft and smooth as velvet. He has the most beautiful voice. I know it and you can see it in the crowd’s eyes as they watch him. Mrs. Armstrong is right. He shouldn’t be wasting his talent.
The first verse of the song has me mesmerized and as I play along on the guitar, I can’t take my eyes off of him. Is this song about the band? Or could he be singing about me?
It’s been years
And now we’re back together
All this time has passed
It seems like forever ago
* * *
Life has moved us in different directions
The light between us has dimmed
Oh, how I missed the days
When all I did was at your whim
* * *
Can’t go back
Want to go back
Too late to go back
Feel like going back
Tonight
* * *
Now that you’re here in the same room
You look the same
But we’re not the same
Too much has changed
* * *
Will this feeling ever change
Will it ever go away
Nothing has ever felt the same
Nothing’s changed for me
* * *
Can’t go back
Want to go back
Too late to go back
Feel like going back
Tonight
* * *
You hurt me when you left
But now you’re back
Do you even know what you did to my heart
You should know I saw through your stories and lies
You forgot that I know you
* * *
But
Can’t go back
Want to go back
Too late to go back
Feel like going back
Tonight
By the last lines of the song, Ethan’s steel gray eyes are dark and intense and are pointed at me. My pulse hammers in my chest, beating like one of Tom’s drum solos. There’s no denying who this song is for. My emotions sit squarely between elation and fear of falling again, with a nice dose of confusion added in. What is he thinking singing that song in front of our graduating class, which includes his girlfriend, Jane?
The crowd goes wild as we take off our instruments and take a bow.
Walking off the stage, we head out toward a smaller meeting room.
Rachel grabs me by the arm and whispers in my ear. “Holy shit. That was amazing. All of it. Including the song Ethan wrote about you.” She bites her lip and her eyes are the size of saucers.
Rubbing absently at my jaw, I say, “I can’t believe he wrote that and sang it in front of everyone.”
“Jane’s going to be mad,” Rachel says as the group congregates together.
After all of our gigs, we would get together for an after show pow-wow. Tonight is no different, except this time I’m having a hard time looking at Ethan, even though I can feel his eyes on me.
“We did a great job, guys,” Darren says, his voice loud and full of enthusiasm.
“The crowd loved us,” Tom chimes in.
Rachel gives Tom a high-five and goes in for a hug. “I’m so proud of us, with next to no time rehearsing. We did it.”
Ethan and Darren high-five and do a one-arm hug.
Clasping hands and jumping up and down, Rachel and I give a little squeal of excitement from what we just pulled off.
“Amazing show tonight, guys,” I say to my band mates. I couldn’t be prouder of us, coming together after not playing for five years.
I’m taken by surprise when Ethan pulls me into his arms and squeezes me tight, the thud of his heart beating in time with mine. He still smells like citrus and spice and feels like yesterday. Pulling back, he stares into my eyes and it’s as if sparks are flying through the air. Before I know it, his mouth lands on mine. His lips are warm and demanding. His tongue glides across mine and suddenly the room starts to spin and I’m caught up in it. But when I hear Rachel’s laugh echo behind me, I pull away breathless. Covering my mouth, I look around and thankfully nobody is paying attention to Ethan and me.
Guilt rolls over me like a Mack truck. I don’t condone cheating. “We can’t, Ethan.”
His pupils are dark and dilated and his cheeks are flushed. “I’m sorry, Linus. I got caught up in the moment.”
“It’s okay, but it can’t happen. And what about that song? Did you write that for me?” Please say you did. I wince internally, knowing I can’t be thinking such thoughts.
Grasping the back of his neck, he massages his muscles and inhales, his chest rising as if breathing is paining him. “Listen. There’re a few things you need to know…”
“Ethan, oh my God. What a performance.” Skinny Jane in her fitted red floor length dress scurries over to where we’re standing. She must’ve missed the kiss Ethan and I shared because she’s got a huge toothy smile on her pale face. Planting a giant kiss on his lips, she pulls him in close to her.
He doesn’t put his arms around her.
Pulling away, Jane says, “You’re so sweet for writing a song about your band mates. It sounded beautiful.”
Ethan’s got red remnants of Jane’s lipstick on his mouth. I can’t watch this anymore; my heart hurts too much.
The buzz of excitement I had has all but withered away. Walking up to Rachel, who’s currently talking to Tom, I whisper in her ear, “Give me the keys. I want to go home now.”
“You okay?” Her eyes scan mine and I do my best to paint on a fake smile.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m getting a headache. You stay. I can come back and get you when you’re ready,” I tell her.
“No, I’m a big girl. I can get an Uber. Go home and rest.” Rachel kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear, “Nice song, huh? He’s clearly still in love with you.”
Heat stings my cheeks. I’m still in awe that it happened. “I can’t believe he wrote that and then sang it in front of everyone, including Jane.”
Her eyes widen. “She must’ve been pissed.”
“No, she’s delusional and told him he was sweet to write a song about the band. Either she’s lying to herself or she’s in denial.”
Rachel laughs so hard she’s grasping her stomach. “That’s unbelievable.”
“What’s so funny?” Tom leans in closer to us.
“Nothing. I’m going to head out. Maybe I’ll see you before we leave,” I tell Tom even though this might be the last time I see him. We hug and his strong muscles cuddle me in close.
“Tonight was amazing. We need to get together and do this again. I can hook us up with some gigs. Think about it.” He points at me as I walk away from him.
“Will do,” I lie as I head out toward the doors.
I put my head down so I don’t get stopped by anyone and so I won’t see Jane and Ethan together.
5
Ethan
Fuck.
Caroline is running out of here like the place is on fire and every cell in my body wants to go after her.
I kissed her and I don’t regret it. What I do regret is that Jane had to come back here and interrupt the moment.
Jane, who’s standing in front of me now trying so hard to make this relationship into something it’s not. This isn’t love, at least not on my end. If I didn’t realize it before, I do now. Even if I never see Caroline again, I know that Jane and I aren’t meant to be together.
“Ethan, what’s wrong?” Jane’s face is a mask of confusion as her chocolate eyes scan my face.
“Jane, I can’t do this anymore.” My tone is cold, emotionless.
“Okay, I’m ready to go whenever you are,” Jane says.
Maybe it isn’t such a good idea to have this conversation
here. But at this point, I can’t go home with her. This needs to end. Now. “No. That’s not what I mean. I’m telling you that this relationship is over.”
She opens her mouth, but no words come out. Her eyes are as big as saucers. “Listen, we’ve all had a few drinks. Let’s go home and we can talk about this in the morning.”
“I’m not going home with you,” I say. Who knows where I’ll go. Maybe my parents’ place. Jane and I got an apartment together about a year ago.
“But, I don’t understand.” Tears start to spill down her cheeks. She makes no move to wipe them away.
Oh, shit. I don’t like to see her cry. Normally when she gets upset, she knows turning on the water works calms me down and moves the chess pieces to her side of the board. It isn’t going to work this time. “Jane, can you honestly tell me that you think this relationship is working?” It isn’t for me anymore. It hasn’t felt right in a long time, but I just kept going along with it because it was comfortable.
Jane’s eyes narrow to slits and she leans in close and says, “You’re doing this now because Caroline is home, aren’t you?”
Clenching my fists together, I attempt to work some of the tension out through my hands. Jane isn’t going to deflect. No way. “Caroline has nothing to do with our relationship. She isn’t the reason that things are strained between us. That is on you and me.” My voice raises and I’m aware that my band members start clearing out of the room we’re in.
“I thought everything has been great,” Jane whines.
“Really? You can’t be serious.” I stick my hand out and start counting down with my fingers. “We don’t talk about anything but work. And when was the last time we went out, or did anything together? We don’t even touch each other anymore. I’m not blaming you for this, and I’m not taking all the fault either. It’s on us.” This isn’t the kind of relationship I thought I’d be in at the age of twenty-eight. Yet here I am. And while seeing Caroline sparked feelings in me that I thought were buried long ago, she isn’t the reason I’m breaking things off with Jane, I’m doing it because it’s long overdue and I need to start taking charge of my life.
“We can work this out. I want to do better.” She’s really crying now and she tugs at the lapels on my suit. “Please, Ethan.”
Taking a calming breath, I blow it out and say, “We’ve been growing apart for too long. We don’t bring out the best in each other. There’s no going back now. It’s over.”
Her face is blank, like she’s not getting it, but she is. Deep down she knows I’m right. This is long overdue. “Okay.” She wipes her face off with her hands, smooths her dress down, and squares her shoulders. “I loved you, Ethan. I really did. Clearly it wasn’t enough.” She walks away without a second glance.
She isn’t wrong.
6
Caroline
Sleeping last night was terrible. I tossed and turned, my mind replaying the entire reunion.
Never did I imagine that coming home for a few days would wake me up again. I feel more alive now than I have in years. Emotions I haven’t felt flood to the surface.
The song.
The kiss.
Ethan is messing with my head. Damn him.
I don’t want to want him, but God help me, I do. My belly clenches every time I think about his mouth crashing into mine, our lips locked, fitting together exactly like they used to. Even though the kiss only lasted a few seconds, in that short space of time I allowed myself to pretend that we were together, a couple again. It was a silly thought, but I couldn’t stop myself from having it just the same.
Everyone in the band was high on adrenaline. I’m sure he got caught up in the moment. The heat and chemistry we had onstage was like a match, lighting me up and turning me on. Every time his eyes locked with mine, I couldn’t look away. I was mesmerized by his beautiful voice and the sexy smile that he kept giving me all night. I’ll take the memories home with me on the plane and tuck them away with all of our other old ones. We connected last night onstage and that’s going to have to be enough.
Glancing at the time on my phone, there’s a message from Ethan.
Can we meet this morning? I won’t be able to live with myself if you get on that plane without talking to me first.
My mind races with the possibilities of what he’d like to talk about and I wonder if I should go find out. One thing I miss about our relationship was our open communication. If I say yes and go this morning, I know I’ll get the good, the bad, and the ugly. My curiosity is at an all-time high and I don’t like the idea of flying back to Nashville with the way things ended last night. There needs to be closure.
Sure, let’s meet up. Where?
At the park. 30 minutes.
See you there.
Taking a quick shower, I lather up and attempt to clear my mind. My stomach is wound up in knots anticipating my meeting with Ethan. It’s not doing me any good to stress and worry about it. He wants to talk. I’ll find out soon. I put on a blue casual sundress and throw my hair up in a ponytail. Walking by Rachel’s room, her door is still closed. I didn’t hear her come in last night. She must’ve had a late night. I’ll let her sleep and tell her all about my chat with Ethan when I get back. My mother isn’t home either.
Pulling out of the driveway, I put my sunglasses on and drive the familiar roads of my hometown toward the park. It’s a beautiful day and the sun throws shimmers of light across the grass of the tree-lined streets. I miss this place and the familiarity of it all. The people are good here and we all help each other out. That sense of community is definitely something I’m lacking in our tiny apartment in Nashville.
His car is in the parking area. I take the spot next to his and take a deep breath in and out before I get out and shut the door behind me. A light breeze passes over my shoulders and I shiver, but not because I’m cold; it’s nerves.
Walking up the stone path, Ethan sits at a picnic table near the swing sets. He hasn’t seen me yet, his head is down and shoulders are slumped forward. He’s still gorgeous even though he looks like someone has taken the wind out of his sails.
A crunching of rocks under my shoes draws Ethan’s attention. “Hey,” he says, a smile spreads across his face.
“Hi.”
Patting the seat next to him, he says, “Sit down. Thanks for coming.”
“No problem,” I say, keeping my tone light and tuck my dress under my lap and take a seat next him, leaving some space between us.
“Are you mad about last night?” he asks. His gray eyes show layers of blue today, deep and stormy like the sky on a rainy day. It’s making it hard not to stare at them.
“You took me by surprise, Ethan. It’s not right. You’re in a relationship.” I roll my eyes and cross my arms in front of my chest.
He runs both of his hands through the strands of his blond hair, so much shorter than it used to be. He had it longer and swooped off to one side and it curled up around his ears back in high school. I loved playing with it. “I’m sorry I kissed you. After our performance, I got caught up in it all. Felt like old times, don’t you think?”
Yes. That’s exactly how it felt. Like I didn’t break us up, Ethan and me, and the band. Like we rewound time. It was amazing. “It did. I had a good time.”
“It was like an escape for me. Because, honestly, things haven’t been great for me.” He swallows hard and stares down at his hands. “I’ve felt stuck lately, in my life.”
“Oh,” is all I say. I understand. Living in a tiny apartment in Nashville, working in a restaurant isn’t quite where I thought I’d be at twenty-eight. “What’s been going on with you?”
“It’s many things, but not wanting to let my parents down is slowly killing me. I’m working for them now in the insurance office. I make good money, but I can’t stand the work.” His jaw tightens and there’s bleakness in his eyes, making it obvious this is an uncomfortable topic for him. He loves his parents dearly, but at what expense?
“Why
don’t you tell them?” His parents were such good people. They wouldn’t want him to hate his job.
Shaking his head, he says, “They need me and have been good to me. I owe it to them.” His tone is clipped and he glances at me for a moment before he stands up and walks toward the swings. He paces back and forth and I give him some time. Eventually, he comes back and sits down.
“That sucks.” I understand that he feels a great sense of obligation to his parents, but it’s upsetting that he doesn’t feel as if he can be honest with them.
“I’m sorry if I was short with you. This has been hard on me.”
My heart sinks seeing the gloomy defeated look in his eyes. It makes me want to pull him in close. Instead, I take his hand in mine and set them on my lap. It feels the same as it always did, comforting and warm. We fit perfectly together, like two peas in a pod.
“And my relationship with Jane. It’s not good. I don’t think I love her anymore.” He lets out a harsh little laugh, but there’s no humor in it. “There’s nothing there anymore and hasn’t been for a while now. I broke things off with her at the reunion last night. After you left.” Covering his face with his free hand, he sits stone still.
Wow. I didn’t see that coming. It hurts my heart to see him this way, but he’s just being Ethan. We’ve always been able to be vulnerable with each other until we broke up. I’m happy we’re finding our way back to that. And I’d be lying if I said that the selfish side of me wasn’t a little bit glad that he broke up with Jane. She’s a bitch and he deserves someone better than her.
“I’m sorry that your relationship ended. If it makes you feel any better, things in Nashville haven’t been going the way I’d hoped.”
Pulling his hand away from his face, his eyes scan my face. I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to read me to see if I’m being honest. “Really?”