by Ava Reilly
Author’s note: Some names and identifying details in this book have been changed to protect the anonymity of the persons involved.
First published in 2015
Copyright © shall remain with the author 2015
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.
Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.allenandunwin.com
Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available from the National Library of Australia
www.trove.nla.gov.au
ISBN 978 1 76011 203 5
eISBN 978 1 74343 957 9
Typeset by Bookhouse, Sydney
To all the broken souls who never learnt to recover their stolen innocence; to anyone who ever dared to be different; and to anyone who followed their heart no matter how much it hurt.
Contents
#BeforeHugh
#FirstConfession
#SecondConfession
#ThirdConfession
#FourthConfession
#FifthConfession
#SixthConfession
#SeventhConfession
#EighthConfession
#NinthConfession
#TenthConfession
#EleventhConfession
#TwelfthConfession
#ThirteenthConfession
#FourteenthConfession
#FifteenthConfession
#SixteenthConfession
#SeventeenthConfession
#EighteenthConfession
#NineteenthConfession
#TwentiethConfession
#Twenty-firstConfession
#Twenty-secondConfession
#Twenty-thirdConfession
#Twenty-fourthConfession
#Twenty-fifthConfession
#Twenty-sixthConfession
#Twenty-seventhConfession
#Twenty-eighthConfession
#Twenty-ninthConfession
#ThirtiethConfession
#Thirty-firstConfession
Acknowledgements
#BeforeHugh
My first confession was posted online in November 2013. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when I finally clicked ‘post’ on my Facebook page. A thousand people from all over the world and all walks of life had ‘liked’ my page and were excited to read my first confession. I’m not sure what their expectations were, nor perhaps what mine were, in terms of what I would reveal, and one of my biggest fears was that I would slip up somewhere and forget to change the names of the people I was writing about. This would be a disaster; I really don’t want anyone to get hurt. I’m doing this for me. I needed to get a lot of things off my chest and desperately needed a release from the pain that had consumed my soul. The response from my first confession was overwhelming, and to this day I still cannot believe that the demand for more has been so high—so much so that I’m now sitting here writing this book! I’ve always wanted to write a book, but every time I started I found myself deleting each paragraph, unsatisfied with my efforts. I contacted a friend of mine who is deservedly an award-winning author and asked her to write my book for me, but the more I wrote the more I realised that the passion I couldn’t quite find for writing had been missing because I hadn’t been writing from the heart. After an earth-shattering betrayal, as I tried to gather the pieces of my broken heart, I decided it was time to write . . . my confessions.
I’m alone in my apartment, sitting in my bedroom with a glass of white wine, at the desk that my late grandfather built for me. In all the years since he passed I have cherished it more than anything else. It was the last gift I received from him. I’m surrounded by memories . . . but only the good ones. It has taken me many years to be able to break away from all negativity in my life and learn to breathe easily, and writing this book has been part of the process.
I am now in my early twenties and, although I still have many demons to fight, I feel I have become successful in my own right. I work with a roster of internationally renowned celebrity clients, and the insecurities I felt about this industry and the people in it have almost all but disappeared. It has taken time and a lot of soul-searching for me to realise that this is the path that I was destined to travel. I have no regrets in life, and I never like to fall asleep at night wondering ‘What if ’. I think I am quite a strong person and although my personal life hasn’t always turned out the way that I wanted it to, I stick by the decisions I have made to this day.
It took me a little while to realise that the key to my happiness is to own my mistakes and turn them into life lessons, but luckily I believe that it is never too late to learn.
To paint a picture of how I feel right now, I want you to listen to a song called ‘These Days’ by Powderfinger—the lyrics explain why the journey I embarked on was something that I never expected; with every twist and turn I found myself learning that you should never judge a book by its cover.
•
There is one story in particular from my life before Hugh that I know I need to share to give you an understanding of why I made some of the decisions I did about our relationship. I will never use them as an excuse; however, I think it will allow you to have a clear idea of why the path I travelled down was one I felt was the only choice I had left.
I had a series of not-so-nice men in my life within a short period of time but one man stands out as the one who left me the most vulnerable.
I met Richard just after I began working for my current employer. He was a potential business contact with whom I had arranged a meeting. The first time I spoke to him over the phone I thought his voice sounded quite attractive. I was intrigued to find out what he looked like.
When he arrived for our afternoon meeting I was alone in the office. The moment I laid eyes on him, I realised that the voice on the phone didn’t match the person standing in front of me. This man was tall, dark, skinny and anything but handsome. It wasn’t necessarily his physical appearance that turned me off so much as a look in his eyes that set me on edge. He was lovely and polite, and our meeting went well, but I couldn’t shake that initial feeling that something felt off about him.
I sent a bit of work his way over the following weeks and months and we built a good relationship. Eventually we became quite good friends, but nothing more than that.
Meanwhile, my boss had noticed that Richard and I were getting along quite well and tried to encourage me to go out to dinner with him. I couldn’t explain to her that I didn’t feel comfortable being alone with him when I didn’t have much reason to feel that way other than my gut instinct.
Richard kept asking me out to dinner over the course of nine months but I kept making up excuses as to why I couldn’t go. Sometimes I tried to convince myself that my first impression must have been wrong; he was always so lovely to me and treated me very well, so I tried to force myself to like him the way he liked me, but it never worked.
Then one night Richard happened to call me when I was extremely upset, and he asked me what was wrong.
I was so vulnerable and
really needed to talk to someone about what I was feeling. I spent so much time hiding my emotions from other people, but now it was impossible to keep it in. I told him that I had been abused when I was younger and that I had just come into direct contact with the man who had abused me. I didn’t go into detail, but I told him just enough for him to understand why I was so upset. I explained that I wanted to join the police force and specialise in the field of child protection. At this stage in my life I felt that it was my calling because of the abuse I had suffered, but I wasn’t entirely sure I would be able to handle the stresses of the job day in, day out.
While Richard was initially quiet, it wasn’t long until he began asking me unexpected questions: about what my emotions had been like at the time of my abuse, how much damage it had done and how I felt about the situation now. I was distraught and initially felt that there was no way I could continue the conversation, but on the other hand no one had ever asked me that before and I saw an opportunity to get a lot off my chest. By the end of our call I was exhausted, and couldn’t wait to go to sleep and forget about the horrible day I had endured.
Richard began calling me more often and asking me out, which I found odd but my colleagues and boss found quite amusing. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go out with him. One afternoon he even called my boss and asked her to convince me to go out with him. She knew that I trusted her opinion and tried to put in a good word for him, but at this point I knew it was never going to happen.
A few weeks later we were putting together a big event that Richard offered to help out with. As much as I didn’t want this to happen, we needed the help, and my boss thought he would do a great job.
Richard had sensed that something was off with me early in the day, and when we were finally alone together he asked me what was wrong. I didn’t feel like I could tell him that he creeped me out, as he had begun telling me how much he loved me, so I tried to avoid his questions.
As I turned to pass him he grabbed my wrist with such force that I winced from the pain.
‘Never touch me again,’ I snapped, before ripping my arm from his grip and walking around him to exit the room.
That was the last straw for me. Richard continued to chase me, no matter what I did, but I was well and truly put off by his behaviour. I saw no reason to be civil with him any longer. As it turned out, he soon revealed his true colours to other people as well.
One afternoon when I had a day off my boss unexpectedly showed up at my front door. She told me that she had seen Richard in the office that morning, and they were in the middle of a friendly conversation when he revealed that he had been to prison. He hadn’t gone into any detail about why, but she told me she knew it wasn’t good. She felt terrible about having tried to convince me to go out with him.
My stomach was in knots. I had no idea how I was going to get away from him. Now I feared that upsetting him might make him angry, and I didn’t know what that would trigger.
I knew I had to solve this once and for all. After my boss left I texted Richard to confront him about what he had told her, and to tell him that I didn’t want to continue our personal relationship. After hundreds of messages back and forth I finally received the response that would shatter my world.
‘Don’t judge me until you know all of the story. You’re right Ava, I went to jail for underage sex offences against my daughter. This kills me to have to say this again, not only to myself but to you, too. There were many factors that led me to this happening and until recently I didn’t understand what they were. I’ve done programs in gaol and another out of gaol, I’ve been to counselling since I was released and have tried to fit back in to society as best as possible. People like you and your family make that possible for me. As a young boy from the age of 6 I was abused by a girl down the road, when I was 12 I was interfered with by a teacher and then raped by a teacher when I was 14. Later that year I was raped by my mate’s mother then father, and then by him. None of this was ever reported and you are the first person I have told outside of my programs. I am not making excuses for myself, I am merely stating fact. I put my hand up and pleaded guilty because it was the only thing I could do that would make things seem remotely right. I am terribly ashamed of what I had done and went to gaol without complaint. I disgraced myself and my family. This will not happen in my life again: that is a promise I can make you!
‘This is the main reason why I stopped asking you out. You could not be seen in an intimate relationship with a person who was convicted of the very offence that you want to work to prevent. Above all, I want you to know that at that point in time my concerns were for you and your career in the police force. When you told me what happened to you my heart stopped and I wasn’t sure what I could say to you, so I called on what I learned about myself and told you that it was not your fault. And it is true, darling, it’s not your fault. Even though I’ve done this I despise the crime. I would only be too willing to help you further, but that is of course your choice. There is so much more to talk about but this can’t be done by text in this manner. Ring me when u are ready—but I would rather see you to explain.’
I instantly felt violated—just holding my phone with those words on the screen made me feel ill. He knew everything I had been through, and I felt as though he had used my pain as his sick way of trying to find out how his daughter felt after what he had done to her.
It was in the aftermath of this text message that I decided to swear off men forever. How could I ever believe that any man was going to be honest with me, and be worthy of my trust? I felt that if I let anyone in I would end up betrayed and broken again. I only ever saw Richard once after that but I refused to even acknowledge him.
So many men in my life had left me scarred beyond repair, and because of them I knew the next man who came into my life would have to be someone pretty special to be able to scale the walls that I had built up to protect myself. They had to be able to prove themselves, because I wasn’t sure I could survive another heartbreak.
#FirstConfession
#COAMMPlaylist:
‘Infatuation’
Christina Aguilera
The morning after I met Hugh, I woke up thinking I must have imagined what had happened; it couldn’t possibly have been true. I managed to convince myself that what I had felt around him had to be some form of crazy emotional surge, that my imagination was playing tricks on me. There was no way a man so powerful, well respected and well known would have even the slightest interest in a nobody like me. Even if what I had felt was real, it would certainly have been unrequited. As I lay in bed questioning my sanity, I felt the familiar butterflies in my stomach that had been set loose hours earlier as he and I had texted late into the night. Before I had fallen asleep I replayed everything in mind, as if I was watching a movie. Surely I misread the signs? As much as I tried to convince myself, I knew deep down that something had happened.
•
It was the biggest professional opportunity of my career. I was just starting to reach my stride in my role as a public relations manager for worldwide celebrities and brands when a contact—let’s call him Dario—gave me my first lead; I couldn’t pass it up. Dario had arranged a table at an inaugural event held in one of the biggest venues in Australia, and he asked if I would like two seats—it would, he said, be a fantastic opportunity to get a taste of what was to come if I truly wanted to go down this PR path. I was over the moon, and I jumped at the chance.
When I first entered this industry I was very naive but I knew two things: I had to keep my wits about me, and the right first impression could really give me the foot in the door that would otherwise take years to achieve. I have always been the type of person to go after the things I want, and I wanted this career. I am not conventional by any stretch of the imagination, and I have always liked to be different, and I knew that this career would suit me perfectly. Little did I realise where it would lead me, and to this day I have never regretted my decision. L
ooking back, I may be more mature and have seen things that have made me wiser, but I still believe that there is no better career than the media and entertainment industry . . . but it is not for the faint-hearted.
It wasn’t until after I arrived at the lunch event that I realised just how important it was, and how influential the guests were. The patrons were a healthy mix of celebrities, media, agents, publicists and the who’s who of the entertainment industry. I instantly felt self-conscious and out of place—I was, after all, only eighteen—but I took solace in the fact that one of my bosses had accompanied me. We sat at our table surrounded by people we barely knew but who immediately welcomed us to their group. They knew Dario, and because we were his guests they were nothing short of polite. We each had a celebrity at our table and this made me feel a little more unnerved because I had no idea if we were supposed to interact with them or if we should leave them alone. Some of them looked like they would rather be anywhere else—I even caught one of them playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone—but the man seated next to me at our table was charming and kind.
After the initial speeches, three-course lunch and charity auction I finally began to relax and feel that I was there for the right reasons. Once the official parts of the luncheon were complete we were all free to mingle, and I knew I had to make the most of my opportunity; I had once been told to ‘fake it till you make it’ and I planned to do just that. I made a beeline for the head honchos in the media and a few key celebrities. I planned my moves, ensuring I entered conversations with the right celebrities and then exited at just the right time, always leaving a memorable impression on those I knew could help my career progression. What I couldn’t realise at the time was that my efforts had exactly the effect I desired, and that soon the people in that room would come to see me as part of the inner circle—at the say-so of a man I didn’t even know existed . . . yet.
A week after the event Dario called me. It wasn’t strange for him to call me, but this time was different. He was in a hurry and dispensed with the usual pleasantries and got straight to business: a heads-up on something big coming up. He told me I needed to call a man by the name of Hugh Montgomery, a businessman who had a number of high-profile clients both in Australia and overseas who would need PR assistance on an upcoming project.