“You mean Dad,” I said.
He nodded. “He didn’t let you call or write. My God, my sister was dying! Why didn’t you just stand up to him and do it anyway?”
“Like you did?” I challenged.
“Damn right, like I did!”
Josh stood in silence, watching Riley with a dark and steady intensity.
“We didn’t know where you were,” I argued in my defense. “All this time, Mom thought you were either dead or rotting in jail somewhere—and not a single word from you to ease her mind or let her know you were okay. So please don’t accuse me of not keeping in touch.”
Riley shuddered and gritted his teeth as he spoke. “I wrote to you and I tried to call. Dad kept changing the number. He told me to stop. He said none of you wanted to hear from me. When I met Lois, I tried again, but he threatened me with a restraining order if I continued to write or if I tried to come home. I didn’t want to go back to prison.”
My breath caught in my throat. “I don’t understand.”
“He said I was causing you all great pain and suffering—that you still had nightmares about the night I broke into the house—and that I wasn’t welcome.”
“What about Facebook or something?” I asked. “You could have friended me.”
“I’d given up by then,” he explained, his tone growing quieter. “After a while, I had to because it was ripping me apart inside. It made everything so much harder.”
I suspected he meant staying clean.
We all stood in silence for a long moment, breathing hard beneath the enormous overcast sky. Riley tilted his head back and looked up at the clouds. They rolled briskly by.
“I can’t believe I didn’t even know she was sick,” he said, “and that Dad wouldn’t lift the iron curtain—not even for that.” He pulled his gaze from the sky and looked at me with a brotherly apology. “I’m sorry, Holly.”
Tears blinded my eyes. “I’m sorry, too,” I replied as I stepped into his open arms.
Chapter Forty-five
Josh and I promised to stay three days with Riley, Lois and their two children, Danny and Trudy. Josh slept on the sofa in the basement rec room while I took the upstairs guest room.
There was much to discuss about the future. Neither Riley nor I was certain how our mother would conduct herself when she learned what our father had done. Or maybe, deep down, she’d already known. Maybe she would continue to follow his rules for the rest of her life without ever challenging them. ‘He’s my husband,’ she’d always said, as if that explained everything.
Mostly, however, Riley and I reminisced about Leah and grieved for the tragic loss of her. We also filled in the blanks on all the missing years. After the children went to bed the first night, the four of us gathered around the kitchen table where Riley spoke of the darkest, most shocking moments of his life—the majority of which had taken place during his teen years and later in prison.
He also shared with us how he’d met Lois after an AA meeting not long after his release. “She was working in a nearby coffee shop,” he said.
Lois gave him an affectionate smile. “I still remember what you were wearing that night—blue jeans and a U2 concert T-shirt.” She turned to Josh and me to explain. “Your brother walked in and ordered a large green tea. I was so smitten, just from the way he smiled at me, that I messed up the order and gave him the wrong change.”
“You gave me too much,” Riley added.
“Yes, but you were honest and you pointed it out to me. I knew instantly that you were a decent guy.”
Riley slanted her a look. “Until you found out I went to prison.”
I noticed they were holding hands now, grinning at each other playfully.
“I still thought you were a good guy.” Lois turned to us again. “He came in a couple of times a week for a whole year. I started asking for the evening shifts just to make sure I didn’t miss seeing him. He’d always order green tea. And we’d talk.”
Riley leaned back comfortably in his chair. “This one had a way of getting me to open up and confess everything. She calmed me down, made me feel like everything was going to be okay.”
“How long was it before you started dating?” Josh asked.
“It was a year before I brought Riley home to meet my parents. Even after that, I waited a long time before I told them about his prison record. I wanted to make sure they knew him really well first.”
“What did they say when you told them?” I asked.
Lois let out a slow breath. “Well, Holly… They didn’t like it, but they’d grown attached to him by then and knew how much I loved him. Besides that, they raised me to believe that what is done is done and you can’t change it, but the future doesn’t have to be dictated by the past. All I wanted was to venture forward and start a life with this man.”
“And that’s one of the things I loved about you,” Riley said to her, raising her hand to his lips and kissing the back of it. “What I still love about you—that you had faith that even a man like me could change.”
“With help,” Lois clarified, turning her gaze back to Josh and me. “Riley runs an addictions support group at the church and he still goes to regular AA meetings. And when all is said and done, he’s a wonderful father.”
I felt a warm glow somewhere deep inside me as I smiled at my brother.
Josh and Riley then recollected some of their happier childhood memories and eventually spoke about the infamous Clipper Lake Hotel incident.
“Of all my experiences as a kid,” Riley said, “that probably stands out as the most vivid.”
“Me, too,” Josh replied, “though I always regretted that day.”
“Why?” I asked, laying my hand on Josh’s forearm.
He turned to me. “Because I believed it was the reason your family moved out of the neighborhood—which felt like someone had ripped an organ out of my chest.” We gazed at each other intently under the bright kitchen light.
Josh returned his attention to Riley. “Holly thinks you moved because your father wanted a bigger house, but I always blamed myself after he came home and found the cops in his driveway.”
“That’s not why we moved,” Riley told us with a strange laugh, as if the truth were common knowledge. “We moved because my dad thought your dad had the hots for my mother.”
Josh and I responded together. “What?”
Riley scooped up a handful of peanuts from the bowl in front of him. “Don’t worry,” he said. “Nothing ever happened. They didn’t have an affair or anything. Dad was just incredibly jealous of your dad because he didn’t like coming home to find some other guy from the neighborhood fixing our leaky faucet or unclogging our toilet.” Riley pointed a finger at Josh and spoke with a hint of humor that accentuated the laugh lines around his eyes. “And your dad was a flirt. You know that, right?”
“It’s why my mother divorced him,” Josh replied. “But I didn’t know he was putting the moves on your mom.”
Riley shook his head. “He wasn’t, but it didn’t matter. Dad’s a control freak with a temper. I doubt you even know about the time they brawled in our garage. Remember when your dad had the black eye?”
“He said he fell off the ladder cleaning the gutters,” Josh recollected.
Riley shook his head. “Nope.”
“So that’s why your father hated me?” Josh asked. “Because he hated my dad?”
Riley shrugged. “You and your father did bear a striking resemblance. You had the same charm that he did, and you know how Mom always loved you. Wow, you must have been a heartbreaker in high school. Sorry I missed that.” He smiled and pointed a warning finger at me. “Baby sister, you better be careful with this guy. Let me know if he treats you wrong and I’ll take care of it. I know people.”
I laughed and lay my head on Josh’s shoulder. “That’s completely unnecessary. He’s been a perfect gentlemen.”
“Since when?” Riley replied, and we all laughed and continued talking un
til the wee hours of the morning when it was time, at last, to go to bed.
* * *
After a day spent traveling across the country—meeting my ex-convict brother for the first time in a decade and telling him that our sister had just passed away—it would have made sense for me to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Such was not the case.
Instead, my brain exploded like fireworks with thoughts, memories and images from my life—in particular the past week, concerning my time with Josh and everything we’d been through.
I tossed and turned until finally, I gave up trying. Flinging the covers aside, I rose from bed and tiptoed downstairs to the kitchen, filled a glass with water at the sink, then turned toward the door that led to the basement where Josh was sleeping.
The mere sight of the door made me feel slightly breathless.
All my senses heightened.
Thoughts of him, so near, changed rapidly to a sense of longing, and I knew I could not continue to resist the urge to go to him.
Padding softly across the cold linoleum floor, I slowly opened the door which creaked on squeaky hinges, and peered down into the darkness. The steady sound of Josh’s breathing traveled up the stairs and reached my ears.
I felt even more wide awake. All I wanted was to be close to him. Lie with him. Be held by him. But what about Paul? He seemed a million miles and hours away. I simply couldn’t think of him. I couldn’t even picture his face.
With light footsteps, I descended the carpeted stairs and waited briefly for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. Eventually I became aware of the silvery moonlight streaming in through the small basement window. It was just enough to lead me to the sofa where Josh was sleeping under a thick red comforter.
Not wanting to wake him, I sat down on the carpet and rested my cheek on the edge of the sofa, next to his face. For a long while I remained there with my eyes closed, my legs tucked under me, listening to the sound of his breathing.
Then I felt gentle fingers combing through my hair…
“Hi,” he whispered.
“Hi,” I replied with a smile.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Too much to think about.”
He lifted the comforter to invite me in. “Come and get warm.”
I climbed in beside him and relished the sensation of his body heat all around me as we found a comfortable spooning position.
“I’m glad you came to my door that day,” I whispered. “Even though you turned my life upside down.”
“Most people would consider that a bad thing,” he replied, his breath hot and moist in my ear.
“I’m still not sure it isn’t. I don’t know what’s happening here, Josh.” His bare chest was warm and solid against my back; I felt a tight clenching of desire deep and low in my belly. “I’m supposed to be with someone else.”
He held me tighter, squeezing his strong body up against the back of mine. “Are you sure about that?” I heard the sound of him swallow behind me and felt another unfathomable rush of desire.
“I’m not sure about anything. Look where we are. In Montana with the brother I thought I’d lost forever.”
“And the friend I never imagined I’d see again.”
I turned my head to the side to nuzzle my cheek against his nose and lips. My emotions began to whirl. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. “Life is strange, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” he replied, laying a kiss on my cheek. “I’m starting to believe every day is a miracle.”
The lush heat of his mouth on my skin caused a flurry of response in every part of my body. I shivered from the pleasure of it.
Rolling to face him, I lay my open palms on his cheeks. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For holding me.”
I touched my lips lightly to his and felt a swell of passion rise up within me as he pulled me closer and deepened the kiss.
Chapter Forty-six
My night on the sofa with Josh was beyond anything I’d ever experienced or could have imagined. Of course I’d been with men before. I was twenty-five years old and had been in a serious committed relationship for over a year. My feelings for Josh, however, were like some sort of vibrating force that began deep in the pit of my belly and sizzled outward to the tips of my fingers and toes, to the very top of my head. A part of me wanted to fight against its power, while another part of me only wanted to fall into it, to let myself be swept away.
The sun was just coming up when I slipped quietly back upstairs. I felt mind-bogglingly euphoric, as if I were lifting off my feet in the hallway and floating up to the ceiling. The happiness was almost frightening; I hadn’t believed I could feel anything like it—not for a very long time. Not after losing Leah.
Of course, as soon as I got into bed and allowed myself to think about Paul, I felt a guilt-ridden wave of remorse, but it was nothing compared to the flood of joyful emotion that had brought me to my knees during the night. I wanted Josh with a raging soulful desire that simply couldn’t be ignored. I felt as if I were breaking apart and dissolving into a billion tiny particles—floating outward to a place where the real world didn’t exist.
I shut my eyes and willed myself to wrestle my feelings under control. Don’t be such a romantic, Holly.
In my mind I knew the real world did exist and I had to muddle through it. I had my future to think about—the practicalities of my family relationships, school, my career, money. I barely knew Josh. These were strange and difficult circumstances. I couldn’t simply let my heart float away with him.
An hour later, I rose from bed when I heard Lois get up to make breakfast for the children.
Later, she and Riley took us all to the zoo where we wandered leisurely through peaceful, meandering wooded lanes to view the animal exhibits. Lois pushed Trudy in a stroller while Riley kept an eye on little Danny who enjoyed running ahead to see the wolverines, grizzlies and bighorn sheep.
All the while, there was an inescapable energy between Josh and me—like a hissing, crackling electric current. He felt it, too. I knew he did, and it drove me mad with a need to be alone with him, to talk this through—but mostly to touch him, step into his arms and run my open palms across his bare chest and broad shoulders. To feel his soft lips on my neck…
o0o
It was almost lunchtime when Josh paused on the path and grimaced slightly.
“Are you all right?” I asked. “I knew we shouldn’t have walked so far.”
“I’ll be fine. I just need to sit down for a minute.” He pointed. “I see a bench.”
“Take your time,” Lois said. “Why don’t the two of you meet us at the picnic area in about a half hour? It’s just across that bridge, past the bald eagle exhibit. We’ll take the kids and go check out the river otters.”
Lois pushed the stroller down the path while Josh and I sat down on the bench. He immediately took hold of my hand.
“How are you doing?” he asked. “Are you feeling all right today?”
I faced him and smiled. “Far better than all right. What about you?”
His eyes glimmered with a teasing intimacy that melted my resolve to remain practical. He lay a hand on his abdominal scar. “I’m good, too—though I might have overdone it a bit last night.”
“I’m so sorry. That’s my fault.”
“Don’t apologize, Holly. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Right now, in fact, if we weren’t in a public place.”
I smiled. “So would I.” Sitting back, I pondered the joy that flooded through me just from looking up at the treetops swaying gently in the breeze. “Although I’ve never cheated on anyone before,” I added. “It’s important that you know that.”
“I know, and neither have I. It’s strange. I was in Paul’s position not that long ago and I was pretty bitter about it. I never imagined I’d be on the other side of things, but here I am, hoping and praying you’re going to end it with him.
”
I shot him a look. “Is that what you want? You’re sure about that?”
“Yes. Definitely. I want it today. Right now.”
Though I was confused and vulnerable and terrified about rushing into something before testing the waters, I was relieved that he didn’t hesitate. Not for a single fraction of a second.
“I don’t see how I can’t put an end to it,” I replied. “Not after last night.”
“Do you feel guilty?”
“Of course,” I replied, “but it’s not just that.”
“What is it, then?”
I reached for Josh’s hand. “I don’t want to fight this. I can’t explain it, but everything in my heart and mind is urging me to leap right in. Blindly. I can’t possibly walk away from you. At the same time, the thought of telling Paul it’s over is killing me. He’s a decent guy. He did nothing wrong.”
Josh wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “When I woke up this morning I was afraid—afraid that you were going to tell me we made a mistake, and that I should go home and give you some space to decide what you really want.”
“I don’t want space,” I replied. “Not from you. I’m just going to have to figure out how to make everything else work around what we’ve started. I have to say good-bye to Paul even though it’s going to be hard. I don’t love him—not like I should—and he deserves better.”
A bluebird landed in a tree across from where we sat. For a long while I sat in Josh’s arms, admiring the bird’s vivid plumage until she lifted off the branch and flew away again.
Chapter Forty-seven
Not long after Josh and I boarded the plane to return home to Boston, we ascended to a height just above the clouds. The sun was in the midst of setting and the sky was a magnificent, radiant shade of pale orange.
“It’s so beautiful.” I gazed out the window as the starboard wing dipped low to turn us in the direction of the east coast.
Josh clasped my hand and laid a kiss on my shoulder.
Christmas Miracles Page 14