Working long hours so one has less time for thinking
Avoiding places and activities where children are found
Driving past the child’s home or school
Watching one’s child through social media
Calling one’s ex-partner and hanging up
Writing emails or messages but not sending them
Going to kid-friendly venues to feel connected (watching movies that one’s child might watch, visiting hangout spots, etc.)
Adopting hobbies that would be age-appropriate for one’s child (geocaching, coloring, collecting baseball cards, etc.)
Being hyperaware of children who share similarities with one’s child
Pulling out old photos or mementos (if one has them)
Buying gifts for one’s child but not sending them
Tracking a child’s accomplishments from afar
Mentally rehearsing a conversation that explains why one was absent
Wondering what one’s child is doing and imagining their routine
Fantasizing about the relationship one could have with the child if one could be forgiven
Planning trips and excursions one might take with one’s child
Volunteering one’s time, especially to youth causes
Mentoring young people in one’s sphere of influence as a way of making amends
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, empathetic, generous, idealistic, pensive, persistent, protective, sentimental, tolerant
Flaws: Addictive, controlling, cowardly, defensive, evasive, hypocritical, impulsive, indecisive, jealous, nagging, needy, nosy, obsessive, perfectionist, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The announcement of a close friend or family member’s pregnancy
Seeing bonding examples (a mother and son fishing together, a father and daughter eating ice cream at the park, etc.)
Witnessing a parent’s poor parenting style
Having a friend who never makes time for their child
Being invited to a child’s birthday party
A co-worker mentioning a parenting problem and asking for advice on what to do about it
Being in places that are special for children (fun centers, theme parks, puppet shows, etc.)
Noticing colored drawings clipped to a friend’s refrigerator or clay gifts on a co-worker’s desk
Visiting someone’s home and seeing a display of family photos
TV commercials and movie trailers that target the child’s age group
Friends or co-workers who tell stories about their kids
Being asked if one has kids
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering one will be a mother or father again
Finding out one’s child is sick or has been injured
Discovering one’s child has gone down a dark path (is in jail, has a drug habit, etc.)
Reaching the step in an addiction recovery program where one must make amends
Wanting to fill a parenting or mentoring role for another because they desperately need it
Falling in love with someone who has children
Caring for someone who had an absentee parent and seeing the damage it continues to cause
Discovering that one’s child is suffering abuse or neglect by someone close to them
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE
EXAMPLES: Someone might crack under pressure…
During a high-stakes team sporting event
In an exam room
During a job interview
While giving an important presentation
During a live performance, like a singing, acting, or comedy routine
While being questioned by police
In the middle of a stressful work project
While dealing with prying in-laws or annoying family members
When going through a security checkpoint
When one must lie convincingly
During an emergency or disaster
When organizing a big event, such as a wedding, conference, or family reunion
When a fear is triggered (e.g., being about to board a plane when one is afraid of flying)
While being responsible for someone else (e.g., caring for elderly parents)
While under the scrutiny of a talent scout
In a competition (debates, athletics, a game show, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Not trying is better than failing.
I always choke; it’s what I do best.
No matter what I do, I’ll always disappoint.
Dreams are for talented people.
You only win if you break the rules.
People can’t count on me when it matters most.
I’m an embarrassment to everyone around me.
Settling is the smart choice.
I’m not smart enough or strong enough. I’m defective.
Hope destroys people.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Winning something only to lose it
Being placed in a position of power or responsibility
Being incapable of succeeding
Failing and making mistakes
Public humiliation
Being pitied by others
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Distancing oneself from those who witnessed the failure
Avoiding locations, people, and activities that remind one of what happened
Choosing what’s “safe” over what one really wants
Pretending one is satisfied with the status quo
Pushing oneself harder than necessary, almost as if for punishment
Holding back rather than jumping in
Using a crutch (drinking, smoking, etc.) as an excuse
Thoughts going to the worst-case scenario when one is stressed
Self-defeating behaviors that sabotage one’s success (e.g., partying all night and having no time to prepare for an important project)
Lying to get out of commitment or responsibility
Choosing roles where one supports rather than leads
Making excuses if people ask for one’s help
Passing the buck to avoid responsibility
Quitting the team or pulling out of an activity
Pretending one has an injury to avoid competing
Secretly following the rise of others in one’s area of expertise while feigning disinterest
Second-guessing one’s decisions and choices
Quitting when one is getting close to succeeding
Choosing a job that has low-level expectations
Needing to think things over or ask for opinions before making a decision
Coping through privately drinking
Reaching out to others who have experienced the same pressure
Utilizing self-talk if one must be in the spotlight in some way
Shedding bad habits and replacing them with good ones
Avoiding people who contributed to the pressuring circumstances
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, cooperative, diplomatic, disciplined, discreet, humble, introverted, loyal, mature, obedient, observant, pensive, private, proper, sensible, tolerant, traditional
Flaws: Childish, cowardly, cynical, defensive, hostile, humorless, impatient, insecure, jealous, martyr, needy, obsessive, resentful, self-destructive, self-indulgent, subservient
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Attending an event similar to the one where one lost control
High-stake situations where people are being pressured to do well
Being admired for a talent or skill that is tied to the failure
Being the center of att
ention or put on display
Instances where one’s role is vital to success
Being asked to speak in front of a group
Locations or symbols tied to the past event (a sport’s trophy, a microphone, a stage, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being faced with an emergency situation where one must perform or others will be negatively impacted, even injured or killed
Having a child who is chasing a goal and wanting to support them so they can succeed
A desire to mentor someone else so they can achieve what they want
Being thrust into a situation where lying or deception is critical to survival
Needing money badly enough to consider returning to (or coaching others in) one’s chosen profession
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
DECLARING BANKRUPTCY
NOTES: A bankruptcy may be business-related or personal and often results from three core causes: money mismanagement, a health crisis, and a divorce or breakup. Changes in the economy can also be a factor, especially if the character lacks the education needed to manage risk effectively.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m a loser.
I can’t provide for my family properly.
I shouldn’t be in charge of others’ well-being.
Everyone thinks I’m a total failure.
I have to keep up appearances no matter what the cost.
I need to know where every penny is going to keep this from happening again.
A safety net is more important than happiness.
Having fun now means paying for it later.
Without money and success, I have no value.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Going bankrupt again
Trusting the wrong people
Becoming ill or being unable to work
Secrets becoming known
Risk, especially where money is concerned
Losing their home
Having others find out about their past financial difficulties
Being taken advantage of
Losing their family due to broken trust or the change in life circumstances
Being fired or laid off
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Making excuses for why one isn’t doing better financially
Lying about one’s finances to appear more successful to others
Extreme cheapness; getting by on as little as possible
Needing to know where each penny goes each week
Obsessively comparing oneself to others
Drinking to ward off despair or shame
Working constantly; sacrificing one’s health and family time
Limiting a child’s activities and interests to those that are inexpensive
Growing angry and frustrated when bills come due
Avoiding family and friends, especially those who are successful or well-off
Doing things oneself (home repairs, etc.), even when one isn’t qualified
Putting off doctor visits and giving up medications to save money
Having a dour or resentful outlook toward people who fared better than one did
Assuming people are out to take advantage
Making excuses when friends want to go out
Talking about the old days when life was good rather than living in the present
Crossing moral lines to gain back some of what was lost
Hanging onto items from better days even when it’s stupid to do so (e.g., refusing to sell a sports car despite being unable to afford the insurance)
Avoiding risks, especially when investing
Re-purposing, re-gifting, and re-using as much as possible
Buying what’s on sale rather than what one likes best
Cutting up credit cards (if one still has any)
Shopping secondhand and engaging in bargain hunting
Taking a class or seeking wise counsel on how to manage one’s finances
Creating a sensible budget and sticking to it
Teaching financial responsibility to one’s children
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Analytical, appreciative, cautious, creative, disciplined, discreet, efficient, humble, industrious, meticulous, organized, persistent, private, proactive, protective
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, childish, confrontational, controlling, cynical, evasive, fanatical, foolish, hypocritical, inflexible, irrational, jealous, judgmental, materialistic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Getting an unexpected bill and not having enough money saved to cover it
Rumors of layoffs at work
Foreclosure signs on houses or Going Out Of Business signs on storefronts
Driving past one’s old home or property
Seeing an expensive vehicle one owned in better days
Birthdays and special holidays where gifts are expected that one can’t afford to buy
A friend or co-worker talking about an upcoming vacation
Being asked to donate funds for a celebration or event
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
An opportunity to start a new business that’s a perfect fit
Seeing a friend who also went through financial troubles turn his situation around
A health crisis that forces one to examine what’s important: material items or people
A trial separation that will lead to divorce if one can’t make the necessary changes
A child who is gifted and requires specialized equipment and training to succeed
Discovering one’s family is about to get bigger through an unplanned pregnancy
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FAILING AT SCHOOL
EXAMPLES: Struggling throughout one’s school career due to…
A learning disorder (dyslexia, dysgraphia, processing disorders, etc.)
A behavioral or mental disorder (anxiety, ADHD, panic attacks, depression, bipolar, etc.)
Medical problems that cause one to miss a lot of school
A sensory processing disorder that makes school an overwhelming experience
Taking medication that interferes with one’s ability to focus or learn
Having a low IQ
Getting no support at home
Problems at home (abuse, a family member’s addiction, being forced to care for siblings, etc.)
External pressures that make school a low priority (working multiple jobs to provide for one’s family, suffering from malnutrition, being homeless, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m stupid.
I can’t learn.
I’m going to fail no matter how hard I try.
I’m no good at school (or math, reading, etc.).
I’m worthless.
My parents won’t love me if I don’t do well in school.
People won’t like me if they find out I’m dumb.
Giving up is better than failing.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Others finding out about their difficulties
Having to work with others
Being called on in class
Having a public emotional breakdown from the stress
Overreaching their capabilities
Disappointing their parents or caregivers
That their critics are right about them being worthless
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Low self-esteem
Increased anger and resentment toward people who seem naturally gifted
Resentment toward one’s family (if stress at home is a factor)
Underachieving; setting low goals to avoid failing at
bigger ones
Giving up
Taking frequent trips to the bathroom or nurse during the school day
Skipping school and being “sick” on test days
Not applying oneself so failure can be blamed on a lack of preparation
Becoming the class clown
Cheating on tests and homework
Withdrawing from teachers and other students
Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, like drinking, taking drugs, or promiscuity
Believing one will fail, and doing so (reinforcing the self-fulfilling prophecy)
Lying to family members to hide one’s failure
Negative self-talk
Bullying others as a way of going on the offensive
Dropping out of school
Charming one’s teachers to get out of trouble
Extorting a teacher in an attempt to get a passing grade
Paying others to write papers and do one’s assignments
Changing one’s focus to an easier field of academics, even if it’s less rewarding
Redoubling one’s efforts in hopes of turning things around
Seeking out tutors or study groups
Asking for more time on assignments or offering to do additional work for extra credit
Asking a trusted adult for help if home circumstances are beyond one’s ability to manage
Pursuing interests outside of academics where one excels (sports, the arts, hobbies, etc.)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Charming, creative, disciplined, industrious, patient, persistent, private, proactive, resourceful
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, childish, controlling, cynical, disrespectful, hostile, humorless, inhibited, insecure, irresponsible, jealous, lazy, mischievous, needy, nervous, perfectionist, pessimistic, rebellious, resentful, rowdy, self-destructive, temperamental, timid
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Another student being lauded for academic success
Being asked to read aloud, present an oral report, or answer a question in class
Seeing one’s grade publicly posted
Symbols of achievement, like a framed degree on a parent’s wall
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 17