Flaws: Antisocial, confrontational, disloyal, hostile, hypocritical, ignorant, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, oversensitive, paranoid, perfectionist, prejudiced, rebellious, resentful, subservient
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Experiencing prejudice in a place one perceived as being safe (church, a family gathering, etc.)
One’s child being the victim of prejudice or discrimination
Seeing a loved one lowering their standards and dreams in the wake of discrimination
Someone with racist tendencies coming into power and threatening one’s basic rights
Witnessing a group of people protesting one’s race, religion, etc. in one’s country
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Having someone not of one’s race, religion, age, creed, etc. extend the hand of friendship
After years spent changing to accommodate the expectations of others, one recognizes that one’s true self has been denied
While protecting one’s rights, the rights of others are infringed, leading to the realization that prejudice can affect anyone, not just those in one’s group
Blaming prejudice when one was passed over for a promotion only to discover that the winning candidate was indeed more deserving
Imparting life lessons to a younger person and realizing that society has progressed in the area of discrimination or prejudice, giving one hope
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
UNREQUITED LOVE
NOTES: In this scenario, the character loves someone who doesn’t return that love. Often, the beloved knows about the character’s feelings but doesn’t feel the same way. In other cases, the beloved is oblivious to how the character feels, and the character is left to pine away in silence.
EXAMPLES: Caring for someone who…
Doesn’t care for one in the same way
Is oblivious to one’s feelings
Is married or in a committed relationship
Used to be with a best friend or sibling
It’s taboo for one to be with (due to race, age differences, religious constraints, family expectations, societal prejudices, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Life isn’t worth living without this person’s love.
We aren’t together because I’m not good enough.
This person is the only one for me.
If I prove my worth, she (or he) will come around.
If I change enough, he (or she) will see what a perfect match we are.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Revealing their love
Being rejected by the beloved and losing access to them
Being rejected by other love interests (because if the beloved has turned them down, there must be something wrong with them)
Being ridiculed or laughed at by the beloved or others
Never finding someone who measures up to the beloved
Never finding love at all
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Taking every opportunity to be near the person
Stalking him or her (online and off)
Taking an interest in his or her hobbies, passions, and activities
Examining every interaction with the beloved for signs of affection
Missing opportunities for romance with others because of one’s focus on the beloved
Sabotaging the person’s romantic relationships
Comparing suitors to the beloved and finding them lacking
Doing whatever the person wants out of a desire to win his or her love
Putting the beloved’s desires and goals ahead of one’s own
Taking pride in knowing the beloved better than anyone else
Fantasizing about being with this person
Becoming depressed and crying frequently
Going through periods of despair where one sees no hope of the dream coming to fruition
Making other relationships secondary (e.g., cancelling a night out with a friend if the beloved asks one to do something)
Always being available (sitting at home instead of going out, waiting for the phone to ring, etc.)
Vowing that if the beloved doesn’t return one’s feelings, one will never love anyone again
Vacillating between love, resentment, and anger toward the object of one’s affection
Using any means possible to gain the beloved’s attention
Believing that a personal defect is the reason for the rejection
Self-doubt and decreased confidence; questioning one’s intuition
Feeling deeply lonely, even though one might be surrounded by friends and family
Self-medicating through the abuse of drugs, alcohol, or food
Seeking out other partners in an effort to get over one’s beloved
Being angry at oneself for being unable to let go
Putting the person out of one’s mind as a way of moving on
Focusing on work, school, sports, and other hobbies to get one’s mind off the beloved
Seeing one’s ability to love wholeheartedly as a gift that can be applied to other relationships
Recognizing that one is just as worthwhile as the beloved and is deserving of happiness
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, analytical, cautious, diplomatic, discreet, empathetic, flirtatious, friendly, idealistic, loyal, observant, optimistic, passionate, patient, persistent, supportive, trusting, unselfish
Flaws: Catty, cynical, fanatical, foolish, grumpy, gullible, inhibited, insecure, jealous, manipulative, nagging, needy, nosy, obsessive, possessive, pushy, resentful, stubborn, subservient, timid
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Moving on only to misread another romantic situation and how the other party feels
Meeting someone with the same name as the beloved
Watching a co-worker try and cross the “friend zone” with a mutual friend and be successful
The beloved starting a relationship with someone one knows well, such as a friend or sibling
Seeing others fall in love and yearning for the same happiness
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Recognizing a pattern of falling into love with unattainable people and wishing to break the cycle
Noticing that one has changed dramatically in order to gain someone’s love (becoming possessive, losing one’s will and becoming whatever the beloved wants, etc.) and not liking it
Watching friends meet their soul mates while one is still languishing in this one-sided relationship
Seeing a darker side of the beloved and second-guessing whether he or she is worthy of one’s love
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
WRONGFUL IMPRISONMENT
EXAMPLES
Being mistaken for a criminal with physical similarities
Being set up as a scapegoat for someone else
Being found guilty due to a prejudiced jury or judge
Being found guilty due to the testimony of a mistaken or coerced witness
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
God must be punishing me for something I’ve done.
The system I trusted betrayed me; I’ll never be able to trust anyone or anything again.
There’s no point in following the rules if I’m going to be punished anyway.
Something was stolen from me and I will never be whole again.
Even if I get out, this will always follow me.
If I let someone else be in control, they’re going to take advantage of me.
The only justice I trust comes from my own hand.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Th
at they will never get out of jail
Being further victimized through an assault during the incarceration
Rejection; losing loved ones who believe in their guilt
Trusting others
The heartache that hope represents
People or a system that has power over their fate
That those in power will suppress new evidence to cover up the miscarriage of justice
That the truth will never come to light
Losing their identity through the trials of this ordeal
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Distrusting those in authority
Flouting the rules since following them didn’t do any good
Hating and acting out against the people one believes are to blame
Turning away from one’s faith
Becoming suspicious of the institutions and people one formerly trusted
Withdrawing from loved ones (returning letters or not showing up on visiting days) as a way of leaving them before they can do the same
Clinging tightly to loved ones
Being upset by disruptions to one’s access to loved ones (letters from home being held by those in charge, visits being cancelled, etc.); seeing these as further injustices
Not trusting what anyone has to say
Doubting oneself
Sucking up to the people who can help or offer protection
Becoming pessimistic or cynical in one’s thoughts and words
Lowering one’s expectations regarding what one will or can do
Resisting control as much as one can on the inside
Becoming controlling of others
Becoming antisocial; being disillusioned and fighting everyone and everything
Fantasizing about revenge against those who are to blame for one’s imprisonment
Engaging in self-destructive behaviors (using drugs, abusing alcohol, picking fights, etc.)
Becoming institutionalized over time; going with the flow of the routine rather than fighting it
Being determined to prove one’s innocence as a way of striking back
Educating oneself to self-advocate and try to figure out what happened
Seeking to change the system that’s broken
Growing stronger in one’s faith
Making the most of one’s situation rather than focusing on the things one can’t change
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, ambitious, calm, cautious, focused, industrious, just, observant, organized, pensive, persistent, philosophical, private, proactive, resourceful, socially aware, thrifty, tolerant
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, antisocial, apathetic, callous, confrontational, controlling, cynical, defensive, hostile, pessimistic, resentful, temperamental, timid, uncooperative, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Watching TV programming or reading articles about life on the outside
Telling the truth about something else and not being believed again
Being falsely accused of something minor
Being called a murderer, a pervert, a psychopath, etc. (depending on what one is in for)
Talking to other inmates about their lives before jail
Mementos (letters, photos, etc.) that remind one of home
Dates that hold significance, such as one’s sentencing date or a child’s birthday
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
One’s appeal being denied
Leaving jail after a sentence ends but facing persecution on the outside
Realizing a dream is out of reach due to one’s record and facing a choice: adjust the goal or give up
Experiencing rejection by someone who should be loyal
Evidence coming to light that is being suppressed by those who don’t want the case reopened
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
MISPLACED TRUST AND BETRAYALS
A SIBLING’S BETRAYAL
EXAMPLES
A sibling starting false rumors or perpetuating existing ones
A sister exposing one’s shameful or embarrassing secret, like drug use or deviant behavior
A brother reporting one’s crime to the authorities
A sister taking sides with one’s rivals out of spite or to gain an advantage
Siblings who stage an intervention for drug addiction, drinking, or hoarding
A sister misrepresenting the truth to one’s parents to gain their favor
One’s twin openly acting inappropriately around one’s husband or wife, then denying it
A brother engaging in an affair with one’s partner
A sibling who turns others (family members, friends, a love interest, etc.) against one
A sibling taking advantage of a caregiver role to steal funds from one’s elderly parents
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Whatever I have, someone will always take it.
My sibling only wants to hold me back or ruin my life.
My sibling likes to hurt me however she can.
Blood is no thicker than water.
What’s the point of trying to excel when I’ll only be one-upped by him?
Even my family doesn’t respect me.
I am gullible and weak.
I’d be better off as an only child.
When you let people get close, they stab you in the back.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Vulnerability
Failure and the resulting ridicule
Achievements being sabotaged
Their secrets and dirty laundry being exposed
Trusting the wrong person
Losing family members due to the sibling’s lies (not getting to see nieces or nephews, having parents turn against them, etc.)
Being rejected by a loved one who believes a sibling’s lie or skewed account of events
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Avoiding family members, especially one’s sibling
Refusing to speak to or about the sibling
Talking badly about one’s brother or sister to others
Making excuses to get out of social engagements when the sibling will be attending
Having a distanced relationship with nieces and nephews
Cutting the individual out of one’s life (online and off)
Not sharing any personal information online
Growing quiet or irritable when one is forced to be around one’s sibling
Lying to one’s sibling when the truth matters to them
Difficulty sharing personal desires, goals, or feelings with others
Withdrawing into oneself; developing depression or anxiety
Forcing family members and friends to take sides
Being unable to let go; discussing the event often with others
Self-harming to deal with the pain
Increased drinking
Turning every situation in which the sibling is involved into a competition
Playing the blame game
Refusing to accept responsibility for the rift or what caused it, even if one shares the blame
Jumping to conclusions; seeing the worst-case scenario when it involves the sibling
Looking for opportunities to take revenge or complicate things for one’s sibling
Needing to be the best at everything to prove one’s self-worth
Holding onto anger even if an action was justified, such as an intervention meant to save one’s life
Being overly sensitive to signs of disloyalty from others
Vetting others carefully before letting them in and opening up to them
Creating healthy boundaries for the toxic people in one’s life
Disengaging in a healthy way; refusing to be a player in situations involving power and control
Becoming a safe haven for others who have experienced betrayal and rejection by loved ones
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, focused, independent, industrious, introverted, kind, observant, pensive, private, proactive, proper, simple, resourceful, tolerant
Flaws: Controlling, cruel, defensive, dishonest, evasive, hostile, hypocritical, impulsive, insecure, judgmental, martyr, self-destructive, suspicious, uncommunicative, vindictive, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Perceived disloyalty from someone else
Overhearing unkind gossip or secrets being spilled about someone
Hearing a family member reference the old feud as if one’s sibling was innocent
Being falsely accused of being disloyal to a friend, family member, one’s child, or co-worker
Family gatherings where one’s sibling may be present
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering a dark secret about the sibling and facing a moral conflict as to whether to keep it or not
Learning that a friend has committed a crime and should be turned in, but doing so requires betraying their trust
Seeing one’s child pull away due to the untruths being propagated by family members
Working to mend the relationship with the sibling only to be betrayed by him or her again
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
NOTES: A toxic relationship is one where the behaviors and attitudes of one person are consistently emotionally (and possibly physically) damaging to the other. While many times this occurs between romantic couples, it can happen between friends, co-workers, an employee and boss, a parent and child, siblings—any relationship where emotions are invested.
EXAMPLES: Relationships where one person…
Controls the other
Is jealous or possessive
Constantly lies
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 23