No one can be trusted.
People are only looking out for number one.
People aren’t worthy of loyalty. If you believe that, you’re a fool.
I need to look out for myself.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Intimacy with others
Making themselves vulnerable to others
Sharing personal information with anyone
Professions of loyalty from others and being obliged to take responsibility for them
Being betrayed by a loved one
New people seeking friendship
Misreading other people’s motives and being duped
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Blaming oneself for being gullible
Negative self-talk
Withdrawing from others
Not opening up to others
Clinging to the friends and family members one knows are trustworthy
Obsessively going over the betrayal in one’s mind, trying to figure out what one did wrong
Laughing it off; acting as if the betrayal was no big deal
Claiming that one knew what was happening all along
A reluctance to rely on anyone else
Difficulty asking others for help
Becoming cynical; refusing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt
Convincing oneself that one doesn’t need more friends
Pushing existing friends away so they can’t cause the same hurt
Keeping busy so one doesn’t feel lonely
Avoiding places where one might run into the betraying person
Assuming that everyone has an agenda
Becoming disloyal
Making promises carefully and thoughtfully so one can never be accused of betrayal
Truly appreciating the trustworthy people in one’s life
Never breaking another person’s trust
Recognizing the signs of misplaced loyalty in others and warning them ahead of time
Studying people so one can learn to read them better and avoid being misled in the future
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Analytical, appreciative, bold, cautious, centered, decisive, diplomatic, discreet, honorable, independent, loyal, meticulous, observant, pensive, private, proactive, proper, responsible
Flaws: Apathetic, antisocial, callous, catty, confrontational, cynical, defensive, disloyal, flaky, gullible, humorless, insecure, know-it-all, needy, obsessive, oversensitive, subservient, suspicious, timid
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Suspecting that one is being used again by someone else
Not knowing if a friend can be trusted or not
Seeing a loved one be taken advantage of in a similar way
Catching a friend in a lie
Making time for someone only to be blown off or dismissed again
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Finding that one is guilty of betraying the trust of someone else
Being given the chance to join a group instead of living on the fringes of community and having to decide whether or not to do it
Accusing a friend of disloyalty, then realizing the person was devoted after all
Seeing a friend in need, which gives one the choice between continuing to live in isolation or making oneself vulnerable again by offering them support
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
TELLING THE TRUTH BUT NOT BEING BELIEVED
EXAMPLES
Telling someone that one is being abused (by a parent, coach, uncle, etc.) and not being believed
Reporting a crime and the police responding with skepticism
Being accused of stealing or lying and all proclamations of innocence fall on deaf ears
Being sentenced and punished for a crime one did not commit
Having a parent believe someone else over one’s account of what happened
Repeatedly being called a liar by one’s parents, caregivers, or those in authority
Confiding in a teacher or principal about an inappropriate situation and being labeled a troublemaker
Giving an eyewitness account of something and it being dismissed as not credible
Giving an account of something that challenges society’s belief systems and being belittled for it (seeing a ghost, talking to God, spotting a UFO, experiencing the supernatural, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
If I tell, I’ll only get into trouble.
People say honesty is the best policy, but it isn’t.
People only believe what they want to hear.
I can’t count on anyone to stand beside me when it matters most.
It’s better to tell people what they want to hear.
The people who should protect you will betray you in the end.
The only one who can look out for me is me.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Not being believed when it matters most
Persecution
Being wrong about what they believe to be true
Rejection by others as a result of being too honest
Being taken advantage of, hurt, or otherwise victimized, and having no recourse
Trusting the wrong person and being betrayed
Those with power or authority twisting the truth to serve their own needs
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Not valuing honesty or integrity because no one else does
Manipulating others so they’ll believe what one wants them to (rather than relying on honesty)
Telling people what they want to hear as a way of avoiding problems
Not opening up or sharing one’s past experiences because one expects to not be believed
Lying compulsively to mask feelings and avoid being hurt by others
Not being able to take a joke about lying; dealing poorly with being teased
Needing assurances that one is believed in even the most benign situation
Explaining oneself and one’s motivations when it isn’t necessary
Indignation when one’s word is questioned
Suffering a complete meltdown when one is challenged about the truth
Proving one’s loyalty at every opportunity
Keeping to oneself so one’s word will never be questioned
Being unable to keep a secret if it requires one to lie to others
Compulsively needing to reveal the truth to others if they are being misled by someone else
Giving overly detailed answers to prove one is being truthful
Relying on humor, generosity, or charm to win people over
Resenting those one knows is lying when others take them at their word
Taking steps to prove one’s honesty (keeping notes, recording conversations, etc.)
Angry reactions if one’s words are twisted or taken out of context
Being compulsively honest; refusing to tell even the smallest lie
Embracing the truth completely and having a highly tuned sense of fairness
Never making assumptions; always searching for facts
Giving others the benefit of the doubt so they won’t experience the same sense of unfairness
Learning to read people so one will know if they’re telling the truth and won’t have to guess
Becoming extremely articulate to minimize chances for misunderstandings
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, courageous, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, funny, honest, honorable, independent, just, loyal, meticulous, nurturing, persistent, persuasive, protective, responsible, socially aware, wise
Flaws: Antisocial, compulsive, cynical, defensive, dishonest, disloyal, evasive, fanatical, hostile, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, know-it-all, needy, nervous, obsessive, oversen
sitive, paranoid, perfectionist, pessimistic, prejudiced, rebellious, resentful, timid, uncommunicative, weak-willed, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being forced to call someone out who is lying
Being lied to by one’s child or spouse
One’s word being doubted while someone with a conflicting story is believed
Being treated so poorly in a situation that one suspects prejudice is to blame
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Having to discern the truth when two people are telling opposing stories
Facing a situation where lying is the greater kindness because the truth will cause unnecessary hurt
Being accused of wrongdoing and having to choose between accepting the blame to make things easier or proving one’s innocence
Discovering a friend is being hurt and encouraging them to speak up so the wrongdoer is held accountable
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
SPECIFIC CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
A NOMADIC CHILDHOOD
EXAMPLES
Growing up in a military family where one had to move often
Having parents who struggled to find work and were always traveling to where the jobs were
Having a parent who was transferred often at work due to a specialization
Being abducted by one’s parent (perhaps without knowing) and constantly moving as a result
Parents who were addicts and moved frequently because of financial difficulties or evictions
One’s parent being a diplomat who traveled a lot
Parents whose jobs required them to move on assignment (historians, missionaries, scientists studying an aspect of nature or geography, etc.)
Being part of the foster care system
Having parents who were homeless
Living in a war-torn country where one had to move around for safety
Having a parent who lived in fear of being found (by a violent ex-spouse, due to being a criminal, because they were illegal immigrants, etc.)
Living with a paranoid or delusional caregiver who believed they were being followed, watched, stalked, or targeted in some way
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Staying in one place means trouble.
Nothing is permanent.
Relationships are only temporary.
I don’t belong anywhere.
Getting attached means getting hurt.
Sticking around means settling.
If I stay in one place too long, I’ll be trapped.
I’m happier on the road.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Getting attached to someone or something
Commitment
Being abandoned by others
Being found by the wrong people
Responsibility that would tie them down
Never fitting in
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Fighting the “new kid” stigma; worrying about school or being bullied, and acting out as a result
Constantly hoping (and convincing oneself) that this move or change will be different
Daydreaming of one’s perfect home
Wanting a close friend (or pet) but being afraid to get attached
Clinging to a treasured item (a battered backpack, a pebble from one’s old yard, etc.)
Not bothering to unpack everything after a move
Craving a routine to feel normal
Feeling anxious when a routine is established
Difficulty forming long-term relationships
Not asking questions that might cause one to care or become invested
Having few possessions
Being accepting of change, even if one wishes things to be the same
Being highly inflexible about certain things
Having few ties to favorite places (restaurants, parks, neighborhoods, etc.)
Feeling stress and anxiety at uncertainties
Trying to convince oneself that one is happier on the road
Resentment toward traditional families
Craving normalcy (a home-cooked meal, belonging to a club or group, etc.)
Needing the highs that come with adventure to negate the lows of not having roots
Worrying that one will be abandoned by one’s parents (as a child or an adult)
Moodiness and irritability when one has stayed too long in one place
Growing bored at seeing the same view for too long (if one has acclimated to this lifestyle)
Relocating as a way of escaping emotion (after a breakup, after the death of a pet, etc.)
Struggling with control issues
Wanting to stay and put down roots as an adult but feeling a compulsion to move
Feeling disconnected from one’s birth country or cultural identity (if one has moved beyond it)
Always staying in the same place as an adult, even when it’s unwise or unsafe to do so
Viewing one’s circumstances (good or bad) as temporary
Being highly practical
Being more accepting of differences in cultures, languages, socioeconomic diversity, etc.
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, adventurous, cautious, extroverted, imaginative, independent, introverted, loyal, organized, sentimental, simple, spontaneous, thrifty
Flaws: Antisocial, apathetic, cynical, hostile, impulsive, inflexible, irresponsible, manipulative, mischievous, needy, obsessive, pessimistic, promiscuous, rebellious
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Having to travel for work
Unbearably long car rides and commutes
Waiting in an airport during a layover
Seeing exhausted child travelers hefting small backpacks as they wait to board a bus
Roadside diners
Packing or unpacking for a necessary move
Having to let go of something cherished because it’s old or ruined
A parent or pet passing away
Voices announcing boarding times and destinations over a PA speaker
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being in a dying marriage but not wanting to disrupt the lives of one’s children
Having to move for financial or medical reasons
A spouse’s career changing to one that requires a lot of travel
The threat of deportation after one has settled into a community
A war or other event that causes unrest, forcing one to flee
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
A PARENT’S ABANDONMENT OR REJECTION
EXAMPLES
Being abandoned as an infant (on a doorstep, in a dumpster, on the side of the road, etc.)
A parent giving up his or her rights and turning the child over to the state
Being left with relatives for long periods of time with little communication from one’s parent
Being left alone as a young child to fend for oneself
Having a parent who frequently left for long periods of time without warning or apology
Being subjected to a life of foster care when one’s parent left or was imprisoned
Being rejected due to stigma, superstition, or prejudice (because of albinism, a deformity, being a child of rape, etc.)
A parent who used rejection and abandonment as a form of emotional abuse
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
No one wants to be with someone who is defective.
If I achieve enough, I will be worthy of love.
I need to push others away before they have a chance to leave me.
Choosing to be alone is better than chancing rejection.
If you let someone in, they will only hurt you.
Someone better will always come along to take my place.
People always leave when times get tough.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being abandoned by those who should be trustworthy
“Normal” relationships (due to abandonment being the norm)
Inadvertently driving others away due to some flaw or failing
That they’re defective in some way, making it impossible to be loved
Never being truly loved and accepted
Letting someone in and being hurt again
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Searching inwardly to determine what one may have done to contribute to the rejection
Distrusting authority or parental figures
Maintaining shallow relationships
Abandoning others before they have a chance to leave
Sabotaging budding relationships because of a knee-jerk response to fear
Closing down emotionally before people can get too close
Engaging in unhealthy relationships out of a need for love
Struggling to set healthy boundaries
Becoming clingy and needy
Becoming possessive of others
Being apathetic about one’s relationships
Worrying that conflict will lead to the other person leaving
Shutting down and creating distance when things get tough instead of working through it
Becoming obsessed or paranoid; demanding frequent proof of someone’s love
Worrying about infidelity in relationships
Frequently transitioning out of situations (jobs, schools, churches, neighborhoods, etc.) where relationships are being formed
Not putting down roots in any one place
Becoming a loner
Not committing to anything
Being obsessed with loving family relationships (wanting what one cannot have)
Trying to strengthen the relationship with one’s parents despite repeated rejections
Not following through on responsibilities
Becoming fiercely independent
Becoming a people pleaser out of a need to be accepted and loved
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 30