Nightmares where one relives the event
A fistfight breaking out nearby
An argument that escalates into yelling and screaming
Specific sensory details from one’s experience, such as the roughness of a length of wood
One’s children playacting violent situations (e.g., a pretend game of heroes and villains)
Running into the victim’s loved ones
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being faced with a life-or-death situation where the life of another is in one’s hands
Discovering later that one misread the situation and the death wasn’t necessary
Being judged, tried, or maligned for the action, even if it was done in self-defense
Noticing a change in the way one’s child or spouse behaves in one’s presence
Being viewed as an unfit parent and having to do whatever is needed, including attending therapy, to change the court’s mind
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
LOSING A LOVED ONE TO A RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE
EXAMPLES
A sibling being hit by stray bullets in a drive-by shooting or gang war
A spouse being killed in a robbery
Family members dying in a fire
A child or spouse dying in a school shooting
A loved one being jumped by hopped-up addicts
Friends or family being killed in a terrorist attack
A loved one stepping in to break up a fight and being stabbed or shot
One’s partner being fatally wounded after a mugging
A family member being killed due to a case of mistaken identity
One’s child being run over as criminals leave a scene or flee from police
One’s parent (a police officer, swat team or bomb squad member, etc.) dying in the line of duty
A child being grabbed and used as a human shield
Someone being killed as a message to others (in a hostage situation, by terrorists making a political or religious statement, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I should have been able to prevent it.
I am a terrible spouse (or parent, person, etc.) for not protecting my loved one.
It’s better to not love anyone than to love and have someone taken from you.
The system is broken. There is no protection or justice for people like us (those sharing the victim’s race, gender, religious affiliation, etc.).
Evil always wins.
It’s only a matter of time before what you love is taken from you.
It’s stupid to plan for the future when bad things will happen no matter what you do.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being alone
Losing another loved one to violence
Not being in control
Having to raise their children alone (if a spouse was killed)
Specific situations connected with the death (e.g., being afraid to drive if the loved one was carjacked)
People who resemble the killer (those of a certain ethnicity or gender, with facial scars, etc.)
Trusting someone and endangering a loved one as a result
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Crying bouts and depression
Engaging in displays of anger to release emotion at whoever was responsible
Talking to the deceased loved one when times are hard or the hurt is especially difficult
Smelling the loved one’s clothing or pillow in hopes of catching their scent
Going through photos and mementos
Becoming safety-obsessed; worrying about the welfare of remaining loved ones
Obsessively locking and checking one’s door and window locks
Repeatedly checking in with loved ones (via texts, looking in as a child sleeps, etc.)
Carrying a weapon
Always having a cell phone fully charged and handy
Avoiding crowded areas or strange people
Forcing remaining family members to adhere to safety protocols (calling for a ride home instead of walking, adhering to curfews, etc.)
Difficulty trusting someone new or giving them the benefit of the doubt
Being aloof; having a hard time letting people in (especially if a partner was killed)
Frequently visiting a grave site or the area where the loved one died
Drinking or self-medicating
Becoming obsessed with bringing the perpetrators to justice
Rejecting one’s faith or rededicating oneself to it
Becoming prejudiced against the kind of people associated with the loved one’s death
Joining a support group
Adhering to a specific routine that one deems to be safe
Becoming alert and more aware of one’s surroundings
Making the most of every opportunity with remaining loved ones
Being more affectionate with loved ones than one was before
Dedicating oneself to effecting change (through speaking to raise awareness, financially supporting an advocacy group, etc.)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, decisive, empathetic, generous, hospitable, introverted, just, loyal, merciful, observant, passionate, pensive, perceptive, persistent, protective
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, confrontational, hostile, humorless, impulsive, indecisive, inflexible, irrational, needy, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, pessimistic, prejudiced
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Hearing gunshots, sirens, tires squealing, or other sounds associated with the violent crime
Violent movie trailers and video game ads
Waking up from a nightmare where the event was replayed
Finding an old text or picture on one’s phone
A child coming home with a scrape or other visible injury
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Learning that the responsible person has victimized someone else
A scenario that causes worry for the safety of another loved one (a child being late for curfew, a spouse not calling when he said he would, etc.)
One’s neighborhood growing increasingly dangerous
Desiring justice so badly that one must take action
Finding out the perpetrator is being let go because of a technicality or police screw-up
Learning that a family member has ties to the responsible party (they’re friends, co-workers, etc.)
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
THE DEATH OF ONE’S CHILD
NOTES: Though a son or daughter’s death can take many forms, one factor that can greatly affect resulting outcomes is whether or not the parent was responsible. When a child dies and there was nothing the parent could do, they’ll still often blame themselves to a certain degree. The depth of this wound (and therefore the fallout from avoiding dealing with it in a healthy way) will depend on how keenly the parent feels responsible for their child’s death. To explore this kind of wound further, this entry will focus on the death of a child for which the parent was technically not to blame. (For information on a wounding event where the person in charge of the child was even accidentally or incidentally at fault, see A CHILD DYING ON ONE’S WATCH.)
EXAMPLES: One’s child dying…
From a terminal illness
In a car accident
In a natural disaster
From a freak accident during a sporting event (getting hit in the chest with a baseball, suffering a fatal head injury, etc.)
Due to an undiagnosed condition (a serious allergy, bleeding out due to hemophilia, etc.)
From being hit by a car while walking home from the bus stop
While lost in a natural environment
From a dangerous activity one had forbidden them to do (e.g., climbing on the roof)
While taking part in a foolish dare or dangerous game
Of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)
In utero, during birth, or shortly thereafter
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, safety and security, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t keep my loved ones safe.
I am to blame for my child’s death (even when one was not responsible).
I don’t deserve forgiveness.
God did this to punish me (for whatever imagined or irrational transgression creates guilt).
If I am not a mother (or father), I am nothing.
Nothing is worth risking this pain of loss again.
Danger is everywhere. I have to be prepared or I’ll lose someone else.
Letting others care for my child is reckless. I will make sure she stays safe.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
That they will never feel whole
Being alone for the rest of their life
Forgetting what the child looked like or sounded like
Losing another loved one (a spouse, sibling, child, etc.)
Specific situations that led to the child’s death
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Spending a lot of time in the child’s room
Looking for someone to blame, even if there is no one
Watching old videos or going through old pictures
Recreating the circumstances of the child’s death over and over
Struggling to care about other people and their problems
Friction with a spouse over grieving processes (one wanting to purge the child’s things, the other wanting to keep everything, etc.)
Needing to know where one’s other children are at all times
Adopting superstitions or rituals to better protect one’s other children
Mistaking other children for one’s child due to a similar look or mannerism
Vivid dreaming that can be emotionally painful
Developing an anxiety disorder
Pulling away from people
Flares of anger when others say they understand or that time will help heal the wound
Wanting to live in the past and avoid the present
Turning away from one’s faith
Talking aloud to the deceased child, especially to apologize for failing them
Avoiding kids, especially those the same age as one’s deceased child
Refusing to participate in special holidays because doing so hurts
Imagining what one’s child looks like and sounds like as time passes
Researching to better understand the circumstances that led to the child’s death
Carrying a memento of one’s child at all times (a bracelet, a picture or favorite key chain, etc.)
Moving to a new home that doesn’t have so many painful memories
Returning to one’s faith or finding faith
Creating and maintaining a memorial at the place where one’s child died
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, empathetic, gentle, industrious, inspirational, nurturing, pensive, persistent, private, proactive, protective, spiritual, unselfish
Flaws: Addictive, controlling, cynical, humorless, irrational, irresponsible, jealous, martyr, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, oversensitive, perfectionist
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The mention of the child’s name
When people are clearly avoiding mentioning the child at all
Commercials advertising the child’s favorite toy
When another person asks how many children one has
Being around children the same age as one’s child
Specific areas associated with the child (a favorite restaurant, their school, etc.)
Attending a baby shower, birthday party, or significant coming-of-age event, like a graduation
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
The desire to have another child
Discovering one is pregnant before one has fully processed the death
Deteriorating relationships with one’s other children because they feel neglected
Wanting to help a surviving child process their sibling’s death but being unable to do so because of one’s own grief
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
WATCHING SOMEONE DIE
EXAMPLES
Trying (and failing) to help a passenger in the aftermath of a car accident
Witnessing a friend’s hit and run as she crosses the street
Losing a loved one to a drowning or boating accident on a family vacation
Offering end-of-life comfort (e.g., after a fatal fall)
Finding someone alive after a natural disaster but being too late to save him or her
Being helpless to stop a violent act such as a mugging or hate crime beating
Witnessing someone die in a random accident, like being electrocuted by faulty wiring or being involved in a fatal motorcycle accident
Being unable to reach a person who is trapped by fire (seeing them on a high-rise balcony with nowhere to go or being unable to reach the building floor they’re trapped on)
A child experiencing a fatal accident during a sporting game or practice
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I failed when I was needed most.
I should have died, not them.
Anyone I love will be taken from me.
I’m toxic to the people around me (if blame comes into play).
Loving someone will only end in pain.
I could die at any moment, so why plan for the future?
Danger is everywhere and I can never let down my guard.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Abandonment through death
Dying and abandoning those in their care
Becoming too emotionally connected to people
Circumstances and other factors associated with the cause of death (guns, fire, heights, driving in the rain, etc.)
Causing loved ones harm (if real or imaginary self-blame is a factor)
Failing someone when they desperately need help
Being responsible for others
Danger and risk
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Suffering from PTSD
Depression
Obsessing about the victim to the point that others are marginalized
Being unable to sleep
Avoiding people who were present at the time of death
Becoming clingy with remaining loved ones
Becoming overprotective of family and obsessing over their whereabouts
Refusing to allow one’s children to do activities that could be risky
Becoming safety conscious to the extreme
Always worrying about possible dangers
Needing to plan and negate all risks before committing to an action or decision
Avoiding anything spontaneous; becoming very risk-averse
Behaving in self-destructive ways or being reckless (to prove one is not worthy of living)
Avoiding future responsibility for the welfare of others
Distancing oneself from friends and family
Scaling back one’s relationships so they are surface-level rather than deep
Throwing oneself into work or other activities to avoid dealing with grief
Seeking justice, vengeance, or restitution for the death (investigating, raising public awareness, suing involved parties, etc.)
Attending a survivor’s support group meeting
Processing the deceased’s things (donating items, distributing things to loved ones, etc.)
Creating a scholarship in the deceased’s name
Weaning oneself off medication or sleeping pills that hav
e been used as a coping mechanism
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: affectionate, alert, cautious, focused, independent, nurturing, observant, organized, proactive, sensible, wise
Flaws: Indecisive, irresponsible, needy, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, resentful, self-destructive, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Witnessing one’s children acting in a foolhardy way
Sensory input from the event (e.g., antiseptic smells reminding one of hospital visits)
Being unable to help in even a small way (fixing a favorite toy, comforting a spouse after a work disappointment, etc.)
A loved one being injured or hospitalized
Visiting the scene of the accident
Witnessing another “close call” type accident
Internet videos that show accidents, close calls, and foolhardy behavior just for entertainment
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Having responsibility thrust upon oneself in some way, such as a sister dying and being the only relative left to care for her son
Discovering who was responsible for the death, but police are unmotivated or unable to enact justice
Uncovering a fault associated with the person’s death (an equipment malfunction, a structure was not built to code, etc.)
Meeting someone who wants to connect in a deep and meaningful way, but one’s fear is getting in the way of developing the relationship
Being a single parent or a sole provider and having to be strong for others
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
APPENDIX A: WOUND FLOWCHART
Figuring out a character’s wounding event can be daunting for an author. Not only is it an important piece of the backstory puzzle to identify, it’s also the first in a series of dominoes that will threaten the character’s very foundation. As the author, it’s important to know all of these pieces so the character will be believable and can be written consistently. To better understand which elements will need to be researched and the cause-and-effect relationships between them, use the following flowchart as a handy reference.
The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Psychological Trauma Page 43