When the last shudder had faded, he withdrew and sat on the edge of the bed. The enormity of what had just happened stunned him. What the hell had she been thinking?
“Jarrett?” Her voice was as tentative as the fingers tracing random patterns on his back. “Are you all right?”
“Isn’t that my line?” he asked, wondering how something so wonderful could leave him feeling so bitter.
“I—I don’t understand,” she said. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
He spun to face her. “You were a virgin.”
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I know.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
Her smile began to fade as confusion darkened her eyes. “Is it a problem? I guess I should have told you, but I didn’t really think about it. I wanted us to make love.” Confusion turned to shame. “It’s because it wasn’t very good, right? I mean, because I didn’t know what to do? I’m sorry. I should have thought of that.”
Her obvious pain left him feeling lower than sea slime. “It’s not that,” he muttered, wishing she had told him, because then he would have stopped. He would never have knowingly taken a virgin to his bed. He didn’t want that—not the responsibility or the memories. He wanted to be able to walk away from her. He wanted this not to matter. She kept messing with his mind until it was going to be impossible for him to forget.
“Are you sure?” she asked
Of course he was sure. Being with her had been everything he’d wanted and more. For the first time in years he’d made love instead of having sex. He’d enjoyed more than his partner’s body; he’d genuinely liked the person inside. He’d risked caring and had come out the loser, because he did care, damn her. He couldn’t risk anything changing. His life was fine the way it was. He wouldn’t do anything to recreate the past.
He drew his eyebrows together. “It’s an old trick, Fallon, and a good one. But it’s not going to work on me. I’m sorry you wasted yourself.”
He knew when she suddenly tried to cover her body that his harsh words had struck at her heart. All the while he’d loved her with his fingers and his tongue, she’d never once thought about her nakedness. Now she searched frantically for something to pull over herself. He took pity on her and handed her his discarded shirt.
“What are you talking about?” she asked, shrugging into the garment and holding the front together. “What trick?”
“You’re trying to trap me.”
She flinched as if he’d slapped her. “How can you think that? This wasn’t a trap. I care about you. I thought you cared, too. I thought—” She closed her eyes. “I thought you wanted me.”
He did, and that’s what made it worse.
She opened her eyes and stared at him. “What went wrong, Jarrett? What is so horrible that you have to punish me this way? I love you.”
Because she’d never lied before, he knew she spoke the truth now. Her words were like a knife through his flesh. They cut down to his heart, severing the organ and leaving it in bloody pieces. He wanted to tell her he didn’t mean it. He wanted to reach out and hold her next to him, begging her to say the words again and reassure her with his own declarations.
He did nothing. He’d learned the risk of caring, of trying to make something work. He knew the price of being wrong.
She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “I never got it before,” she said. “I never understood about loving anyone. I thought I wasn’t capable, or that I would be too afraid. But I’m not. I love you, Jarrett. For the first time in my life I’ve been swept away. I’m not afraid.”
“I’d like you to leave.”
Fallon told herself that he meant her to leave his bed, but in her soul she knew he meant this island—and his life. He didn’t care that she loved him. For some reason, her precious gift had destroyed everything between them. Telling him she loved him had only made it worse. Perhaps she could understand if she knew why, but nothing made sense.
She’d offered him everything she had and he didn’t want it. He didn’t want her.
* * *
Her bedroom windows faced west, so she couldn’t watch the sun rise. Instead the western sky lightened slowly, from black to gray to cream to blue. Her eyes felt gritty, her body ached. Some of the discomfort came from not having slept, but most of it was from the pain of loving Jarrett and having him reject her.
She continued to sit in the chair, watching the sky, waiting for time to pass. There was a plane leaving that morning and she would be on it. She’d already packed her bags. They waited by the bedroom door. Funny how quickly she’d been able to fold up her life to move on. If only she could neatly store away the memories. She would give anything to be able to forget again.
When she’d lost her memory, she hadn’t appreciated the blessing not remembering could be.
She closed her eyes and, for the thousandth time, wondered what she’d done wrong. How had everything been destroyed? One minute he’d been touching her and showing her the magic possible between a man and a woman, the next he’d been accusing her of trying to trick him. It was as if he’d suddenly turned into a different man.
Fallon forced herself to take slow, shallow breaths. Telling herself she would recover didn’t help. Probably because she recognized the lie for what it was. For the very first time in her life, she’d given her heart away. She’d trusted her very being with someone and he’d rejected her. In the space of a heartbeat, she’d both loved and lost. She’d been a fool to try.
But there was one thing she had to do before she left. One piece of business remained undone.
She rosé to her feet and headed for the door. As she passed her dresser she saw the bottle sitting there—the one Anna Jane had used to send her note. She touched the cool glass. Tall, slender, beautiful. Perhaps in time she would regret leaving it behind, but right now she couldn’t bear to look at it and remember the hope contained in a little girl’s letter to a stranger—a letter that had stolen Fallon’s heart. Who knew it was going to turn out like this?
She walked out into the hallway and moved quickly down the stairs. Jarrett’s office door stood partially open. As she paused in front of it and gathered her courage, she felt his presence surround her. She wished it could have been different between them. She almost wished she could take back loving him. Almost. It might rip her apart. It might scar her for life, but it would never be wrong. Loving someone else was the purest human act. She was glad to have experienced it, however briefly.
She stepped inside. Jarrett sat facing the computer, his back to the door. She didn’t announce herself; there was no point. He knew she was there. She saw it in the stiffening of his shoulders and back. Heard it in the sharp intake of air.
“I don’t regret last night,” she told him, proud of the fact that her voice didn’t shake. “I wasn’t trying to trick you into anything. Do you think because you took my virginity I expect you to marry me?”
He didn’t answer and didn’t turn around.
“I hadn’t expected anything,” she said. “Except maybe that you would be willing to admit you enjoyed being with me. That, despite everything, you’d come to care about me.”
She swallowed against the pain building up inside her. Saying all this was harder than she’d thought, but she had to get the words out now before she lost control and broke down.
“I know how hard it is to trust love, to give of one’s self,” she told him. “I know because I’ve been afraid, too. I watched what happened with my family, with my parents, and I swore nothing was going to hurt me that way again. I know my situation doesn’t compare with what happened to you, but I do know what you’re feeling.”
Silence. Damning silence. “I hope that in time you can learn to let go of the past, Jarrett. I hope that you can love somebody enough to trust them with your heart. You deserve that. As for me, I suppose I’ll always love you. My sisters have only ever loved one man each and I’m exactly like them. I don’t think we know how to be an
y other way.”
Her throat tightened. “I suppose that’s what I regret the most. That we could have had the same kind of relationship my sisters have with their husbands. I’ve envied them that. If only—”
She gave a half laugh, half sob. “If only. Isn’t that the stupidest expression you’ve ever heard? If only doesn’t change a thing. I thought we could be like them. I thought anyone would be thrilled to have a chance at that. Obviously I was wrong.”
She drew in a deep breath and laced her fingers together in front of her waist. “Jarrett, I want your permission to take Anna Jane with me. I’m a teacher and I understand her needs. I would love her and care for her as if she were my own child. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about her.”
He hit several keys on his computer, then slowly turned to face her. The expressionless stranger she remembered from the early days of her visit had returned. His gaze gave nothing away.
“No,” he said harshly. “Anna Jane stays with me.”
“What are you going to do with her? You can’t leave her trapped here on this island, and it’s not a good idea to send her to boarding school. She would feel completely abandoned.”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “I’m going to be moving back to the States. That way she can live with me and go to a normal school with other children.”
She felt as if he’d slapped her. He wasn’t willing to trust her, Fallon, with having given herself to him because she cared, but he was willing to leave his prison for the sake of Anna Jane. It would have been better if she’d never known that. At least then she could have fooled herself into thinking he wasn’t capable of loving anyone. Now that she knew he loved his niece, she realized he simply chose not to love her.
She searched for something to say, some final words of parting that would make him remember her with fondness or at least dignity. There were none. Instead of speaking, she backed out of the room, then turned on her heel and ran upstairs where she could lick her wounds in private.
* * *
The whine of the jet made it difficult to talk, as did the tears and the rawness of her throat.
“I’m going to miss you,” she said, holding the child close to her.
“Me, too,” Anna Jane responded, then sobbed. “Every single day. Fallon, I don’t want you to go.”
“I know.” The gravel bit into her knees, but Fallon didn’t move. Nothing mattered but this sweet child. “I don’t want to go, either, but I have to. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Why?”
The child’s cry came from her heart. Fallon winced. “It’s too hard to explain.”
“Don’t you love me and Uncle Jarrett?”
“With all my heart. But sometimes loving someone isn’t enough.”
“Uncle Jarrett loves you back. Isn’t that enough?”
It would be if he did. But he didn’t, and she couldn’t make him.
“I’ll write you,” she promised. “When you move back to the mainland, you tell me your new address and I’ll make sure we stay in touch. Maybe I’ll come visit.”
Anna Jane hugged her tighter. “Promise. Promise me you’ll come visit and that you won’t forget me.”
Tears burned down her cheeks. Fallon hadn’t known there was this much pain in the world.
“I promise,” she whispered.
Chapter Sixteen
Anna Jane tightened her hold on her mermaid pendant, but it wasn’t helping. She swallowed hard, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t go away. It was warm, bright and sunny yet she felt cold inside. Cold and empty. Fallon had been gone for a week and nothing was the same anymore.
She curled up in the lounge chair by the pool and stared at her uncle’s office. Since Fallon had left, he’d been in there all the time. A few days ago she’d asked him why. He’d said something about having to catch up, but she didn’t believe him anymore. Uncle Jarrett might not want to admit it to anyone, but he missed Fallon as much as she did.
From here Anna Jane could see her uncle’s desk and his bent shoulders. He didn’t stand very straight anymore. She’d noticed he wasn’t eating his dinner and at night sometimes she heard him pacing through the house. Her mom had been like this when her father had died. At least Uncle Jarrett remembered to notice her and speak to her, although not the way he had before. But he was still reading her stories at night and that was nice.
Anna Jane rubbed her thumb across the mermaid’s body. “Tell me what to do,” she whispered fiercely. “Tell me how to make it better.”
What was the answer? Should she talk to Uncle Jarrett? Should she send another note in her bottle?
Anna Jane frowned. She didn’t want a new friend, she wanted Fallon back. A note wasn’t going to help. Maybe she could call her and ask her to come home. Only, something was wrong between Uncle Jarrett and Fallon. Anna Jane sensed deep in her heart that until whatever it was between them had been fixed, Fallon wasn’t going to return. At least, not anytime soon.
So she, Anna Jane, was going to have to figure out what was wrong and then make it better. Resolved, she got to her feet and walked into the house. As she approached her uncle’s office, she raised her head and squared her shoulders. She would make him listen to her. She would make him see that everything was better with Fallon around.
But as she stepped inside, she saw that he wasn’t even pretending to work. He was just staring into space. She wondered if he would hear her if she called his name.
Before she could say anything, he got all stiff, then his face scrunched up as if he were going to cry. The thought of her uncle breaking down was too frightening. With a muffled sob of her own, she raced from the room and started up the stairs. As she climbed, she felt something cold slipping down her spine. The creatures under the stairs were back.
* * *
The Grand Cayman Islands were as beautiful as the cruise brochure had promised and Fallon couldn’t have cared less. She sat in the bus trying to feign enthusiasm and failing badly. The older lady sitting next to her on the tour bus kept asking if she was all right. Fallon would nod and say she was a little tired. At least that much was true. She was dead tired. She hadn’t slept well since leaving St. Alicia.
After spending three days in Miami, she’d been able to get a last-minute cabin on a cruise ship heading for two weeks into the Caribbean. A quick phone call to her sisters had informed them of her travel plans, but she’d hung up before they could ask any questions. Obviously they wanted to know why she’d left Jarrett’s so abruptly. They were her family and an intimate part of her life. Eventually she would come clean with them. But not yet. Not when the humiliation and pain were so fresh.
The bus stopped in front of a tiny house built entirely of shells. Her fellow passengers crowded on her side of the bus to take pictures. She obligingly ducked out of the way and wished she was more excited about this trip. A couple of months ago she would have been having the time of her life. Now nothing mattered.
Snap out of it, she told herself firmly. She couldn’t go on like this forever. Eventually she was going to have to pick up the pieces and move on.
But it was so hard. Not a moment went by without her remembering and missing both Jarrett and Anna Jane. That made it worse. She could have survived missing just one of them, but both—that was impossible.
She’d already written to Anna Jane twice. With any luck the child would have written back. It wasn’t much and it certainly wasn’t the same as being with her, but it would have to do. It was more than she had with Jarrett.
The bus tour continued. They made a stop in Hell, a tiny post office on the edge of a volcano crater. Tourists bought postcards to have them postmarked in Hell. Fallon strolled around, ignoring the souvenirs and the other passengers. Despite the people around her, she’d never felt so alone. She missed Anna Jane’s hugs, her humor and her sweetness. She missed Jarrett’s laughter, his touch, everything about him. She wanted him in her life, but he didn’t want her. Where did that leave her?
As she sat on a stone bench and wondered how long she was going to feel this badly, she consoled herself with the fact that at least she’d tried. For once in her life she’d given with a full heart. No matter what else happened, she would always know that she’d had the courage of her convictions. She’d loved fully.
Eventually she would be able to function without thinking about him. There was a whole world waiting for her out there. She would survive being alone because there wasn’t another choice.
* * *
Until his world returned to black and white, Jarrett hadn’t realized he’d grown used to the color. The house was a prison, and even though he planned to escape, he had a feeling the cold grayness would follow wherever he went.
He tapped a few keys on his computer, then leaned back in his chair and gave up the pretense of working. Nothing mattered anymore. There was a deal going bad in Hong Kong and he couldn’t make himself care.
He’d let her go. There was no other way to describe what had happened. Fallon had come willingly to his bed, given her most precious gift and he’d tossed her aside. Because of the fear. Because no matter how much he wanted her, he was terrified of the past repeating itself. He didn’t want to be responsible for something horrible happening to her.
Charlotte’s death had been senseless and tragic, but he’d never loved the woman. He blamed himself, and had retreated from the world, vowing never to risk that again. Until now, he’d been fine. He’d adjusted to being alone—an easy adjustment, because he’d always lived cut off from what most people considered normal. Until a mysterious stranger had crept into view. Until soft laughter and a gentle soul had found a place inside him. Until he’d learned what it was like to want to love someone.
Soft footsteps caught his attention. He turned in his chair and saw Anna Jane approaching. The pain in her eyes matched that in his own. She easily showed what he kept inside. They were both suffering, and he didn’t know how to make it better.
He opened his arms to her. She climbed onto his lap. “I have something to show you,” she said, and held up a small package.
The Mysterious Stranger (Triple Trouble) Page 20