Sean appeared at the doorway, looked to Texanne, then moved toward me.
“Everything all right?” he asked.
“Oh, hell no…You did not say that to me,” I whispered. Just as a stunned but also amused, Sean murmured, “Oh, shit.”
I continued. “I only care about my husband and his recovery. His team needs only to report on his condition…and his condition will be reported officially from what Davis and the doctors agree will be made public. Anything else is PRIVATE.”
“Luckily, you don’t run his campaign. I do. I guess I’ll have to do the next press conference. I’ll speak with Davis,” she finished, turning her back to me. Then, changing her mind, she whirled.
“By the way, there are murmurs out there you are being blackmailed. Did the shooting have something to do with that?”
I paled, the blood leaving my upper body in a rush. I could feel an anxiety attack coming on, medication or no medication. How in the hell could she or anyone else but Tex know anything about the blackmail?
Sean rushed to my defense, grabbing me around the waist as he faced Texanne over my shoulder. “Back off, Feinstein,” he growled. “If anyone is a spokesperson for Liam, it will be Davis after he talks with Liam’s team. I don’t care what rumors are going around out there. And you do not bother Kelly with this shit, you got me?”
“Now Sean, you know,” Texanne began.
“All I know is there is nothing to spin and no legal angles to work while Liam is recovering. You talk to Kelly about this shit again, you’ll deal with me. You don’t wanna deal with me. You get me?”
It was the first time I’d seen Sean angry. I hoped it would be the last.
Without answering him, she whirled in a huff and strutted out of the waiting room, the other two following her.
* * *
In the early morning hours of the fourth day, Allison came to sit beside me in the waiting room. Liam’s parents and all our friends had gone home to rest and change clothes. The doctors were optimistic Liam could be moved to a private room sometime in the next day or two, his condition much improved. Ethan remained with me, and was now sitting with Liam while I rested for a bit and drank some coffee.
I took in Allison’s appearance as she sank down beside me. She looked worse than I did. We were all exhausted.
“I thought you rode home with your parents,” I said, brushing her hair from her forehead.
“I didn’t want to leave you,” she murmured, raising her gaze to meet mine.
“I’m good, sweetie. Liam is greatly improved, and as soon as we get him settled in a room, I’m going home for a bit too. I need to see Masen.”
“Can I come with you? I can help with Masen,” she offered.
“Don’t you have school?” I asked distractedly, looking to the clock on the wall. It was seven a.m., but what day, I couldn’t recall.
“No, school’s out for the semester – Christmas break.”
“Oh, right. I forgot,” I replied. We lapsed into silence as I sipped my coffee. Then, as I studied her further, I realized her hands shook as she smoothed the blanket she’d pulled over her lap. Her gaze moved to the doorway often.
“Allison? What’s wrong, sweetie?” I asked, placing my cup on the end table.
“Just worried about Liam,” she remarked.
“I told you, he’s much better. There’s something else,” I urged.
Her eyes shot to mine.
“What’s going on? Whatever it is bothering you, you can tell me.”
“You have so much more to deal with right now, I can’t even,” she whispered, her voice gravelly. “I’ve wanted to talk to you, ever since Thanksgiving.”
“I’m glad we’ve finally gotten to know each other. I wish we’d been able to spend more time together,” I said, pulling her to me. As soon as our bodies connected, the flood of tears began. She choked back a sob as my arms tightened around her.
“Please, Allie, tell me what’s troubling you?” I pleaded.
“You know how it feels. You know,” she whispered between sobs.
“I know what, Allie?” I asked, dread building in my stomach. On some level, I knew what she was going to share with me. I’d been piecing it together for some time now, her pulling away from a loving family, shrinking away from them, her dress and mannerisms taking on a “goth” twist, not fitting her former personality. She’d seemed lost in her clothes since I’d met her, but according to Liam, she hadn’t always dressed that way. Her snark, lashing out at everyone around her. It never fit. I never believed it was a phase she was going through.
“You told me. Something happened to you too, when you were a teenager,” she whispered. I closed my eyes and held her tighter.
When someone changed that much, there was a reason. She was searching for something to lose herself in, to take away the pain and reinvent herself. I recognized the signs. I’d once dressed that way, wearing clothes two sizes too big. I quit washing my hair, hoping it would help me to fade away, for no one to notice me. And I’d hid behind my rebellious attitude, using sarcasm to hurt anyone before they hurt me. I didn’t have the family she had to help pull me out. Luckily, I’d found running. I ran to forget, and I ran to focus my energy away from the pain. Later, my determination to get through school and make a life for myself and Dana kept me focused.
“Who hurt you, Allie?” I asked softly. She clutched me tighter. “You can tell me. You can give me part of that pain. I wish I’d done it earlier. The more you can share that burden, those ugly secrets, the faster you heal. You can trust me,” I assured her softly.
“You won’t tell? I don’t want anyone to know,” she said, desperately clutching my sweat top in her fists.
“I’d never tell anyone, Allie. Not unless you want me to. Just let it go, Baby.”
“I’m so ashamed,” she sobbed.
My stomach clutched, my heart raced with the memories rushing back. I had to stay strong for Allie. If I reacted the wrong way, it could be devastating for her. She might not open up again.
“I know, but you shouldn’t feel that way. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve had something wrong done to you. You didn’t cause it. And you’ve done nothing to deserve it.” I pulled away, and brushed my fingers through her hair. I reached for the Kleenex box beside us, and drew several out and handed them to her. At my urging, she cleaned up and blew her nose. Taking a deep breath, she continued.
“But I did. I flirted with him. I wanted the attention. I teased him,” she whispered, the desperation clear in her voice.
“All normal things a teenage girl would do, sweetie,” I tried to assure her. “Who was it? A boyfriend?”
“No,” she murmured.
“Can you tell me who?”
“No! I mean, you don’t know him,” she rushed to add. “I just want to forget it. How do you forget?”
I pulled her to me again, wanting to take her pain away. I knew how ugly the pain was.
“You don’t, sweet girl. I wish I could tell you there was a way to forget. Time heals all wounds. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. Time, and making good memories to replace the old. But the most important thing is to learn to forgive.”
Her eyes darkened. “I’ll never forgive him. Never,” she forced out.
“Not him, sweetie. You are allowed to feel that anger and contempt. No, I meant you. I know, as a survivor myself, you carry a tremendous amount of guilt. You have to let that go, honey.”
“I can’t! I feel…I feel so…I can’t get clean,” she admitted, burying her face in her hands.
I pulled her to me once again and kissed her forehead. “You are clean, Allison. Whatever he did to you was dirty. He is the dirty one. You are clean and pure. You are beautiful. You may be broken, but you just took the first step to putting that broken back together. I promise you, I will do everything in my power to help you put yourself back together again.
“I’m not beautiful. And I’ll never feel clean,” she whispered
.
“What do you see when you look at me?” I asked.
“You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. My brother loves you unconditionally. I can see it every time he looks at you.”
“I felt dirty, just like you. The man who attacked me did things to me I didn’t even know could happen with sex. He did that, not me. He made me make choices I can’t take back. I felt dirty and unworthy for a long time.”
“You didn’t ask for that. He did that to you,” she said, her eyes searching mine.
“Yes. He did that to me.”
“You weren’t dirty.”
“No. But it took me a long time to feel clean again.”
She was quiet for a long time, thinking about my words. Then she spoke.
“What made you feel clean?”
“It was a lot of things. My Aunt Deb’s love. Making something of myself. Going to college. Meeting Liam. He made me realize I was worthy of love. He didn’t give up on me, even when I pushed him away.”
“Yeah. I can see him doing that. So, he knows about what happened to you?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“Yes, he knows.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah. It took me a while, but I eventually told him everything. But until he took me to see Dr. Hallie, I didn’t truly start letting the hurt go. You see, it’s a process. But the first step is telling someone.”
“I told you,” she whispered.
“You’ve told me some male has done something to you. You haven’t shared. Can you do that?” I asked.
She looked to her lap, then back up at me. “Maybe,” she whispered.
“Good. Have you seen a doctor?”
“No,” she admits, hanging her head.
“Okay. How long ago did this happen?”
“About a year ago.”
Shit. She’d been dealing with this on her own for a year.
“Has it happened more than once?” I asked.
“Yes,” she sobbed out.
I was losing her, and I could tell where her mind automatically went. “Just because it’s happened more than once doesn’t mean it’s your fault. You are a victim, Allison. You are not to blame here.”
She nodded.
“Is it still happening?”
“No, I haven’t seen him around as much anymore.”
“Because of school?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going.
“Yeah, sort of.”
“Do you want me to take you to the doctor?” I asked, hoping it would prompt her to share.
“No, there’s no need.”
“Allison, there isn’t an easy way to ask this. Just remember, this has happened to me too. Would it help if I told you what was done to me?”
“I…I don’t…yeah, I guess.”
It was painful for her to even articulate what had been done to her. I knew this. It was painful for me, too. I’d told Liam, and I’d told Dr. Hallie. Recently, I’d shared with Tana. But it didn’t seem it was any easier today…especially knowing Allison’s own pain was a raw and seeping wound. I wasn’t sure if my sharing would help her open up, or would bring bad memories to the surface.
“I was fourteen when it started,” I whispered. Her eyes filled with fresh tears at my admission.
“He was a boyfriend of my mother’s. He said if I told anyone, he’d hurt my sister the same way.”
She nodded hurriedly, seemingly wanting me to go on.
“He would sneak into my room at night, after my mother passed out from the drugs he’d bring her. He fondled me at first. Then, it escalated. The last two or three times he was able to get me alone, he stripped me, and penetrated me from behind,” I whispered.
“Kelly, I’m sorry,” she hiccupped. “Your mom never knew?”
“No. I think she was too drugged-out to notice anything,” I replied. “Has this guy who hurt you…has he penetrated? If he has, Allison, we need to have you tested.”
“No, but he,” she said, then stopped.
“It’s okay, Allie. We’re going to get through this together. You’re safe now. You can tell me.”
She sat for several moments, gathering her thoughts. Raising her eyes to me, she took a deep breath and then let it out.
“He put his hand down my pants. It hurt,” she whispered. A lone tear rolled down her cheek. I reached to brush it away as I murmured, “I know, sweetie. It hurts when someone forces it on you and it’s not your choice. God made our bodies in a way we could share pleasure with someone we choose. When that happens, your body lubricates itself, and we are ready to accept our lover’s touch. Being violated is an act of hate and aggression.”
She again nodded, hearing what I was telling her. “And he made me…he forced me on my knees,” she whispered, barely making a sound.
Oh no. No, no, no!
“He told me if I used my teeth on him, he’d shoot me. He held a gun to my head,” she sobbed, the words now pouring out. “When he…and when he…I got sick! I threw up. He made me clean it up,” she whispered. “I’ll never be able to do that. What will happen if someday, if I ever have a boyfriend,” she sobbed, looking back down at her lap. “I can’t do that. And I’ll never let anyone else touch me,” she said adamantly.
I took both her hands in mine. “I felt the same way, Allison. I know how much you hurt. But someday, you’ll meet someone as wonderful for you as your brother is for me. He’ll take all of that away.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“God will put someone wonderful in your life, Allison. I believe that. But you know what the good part is?”
“No, what?” she asked, looking up at me.
“You’ve shared this with me, here, now. It took me years to finally tell someone. You are much stronger than I was, Allison. And you have a wonderful family who loves you. Let them help you,” I began.
“No! I can’t tell them,” she began.
“I didn’t mean right away, Allie. I know. You absolutely must do this at your own pace. But you’ve opened the first door with telling me. How does that make you feel?”
She considered that for a moment, then answered, “Lighter, somehow. I don’t feel as dark.”
“I know what you mean. I have a suggestion. Would you be willing to talk with Dr. Hallie, if I set up a private meeting? No one else has to know. I’ll pay for it with my sessions. Liam won’t even suspect. I promise you she can help you.”
“She’d tell Liam! She’s his friend,” she argued.
“She can’t tell anyone, Allie, if she sees you as a patient. It’s called doctor-patient confidentiality. Just go and talk with her one time. Then you can decide if it will help you. I promise you every time you talk with her this load will lighten a bit.”
“Okay,” she agreed, relieved.
“Okay,” I said, pulling my phone from my pocket. “I’ll set up an appointment for you, and I’ll make arrangements for the payments. The rest is up to you. You control this. You need that control, Allison.
“I know what you’re saying, Kelly.”
“Good.” I dialed and then left a message with Dr. Orr’s service, explaining I needed a confidential appointment for Liam’s sister, and I wanted the bill sent to me in my name.
Chapter Twenty-Four
H e’s wide awake and making sense.”
Not even the stiffness of sleeping at an awkward angle for hours could keep me from shooting from the couch. I flew across the room into Ellen’s open arms.
“He’s good, sweet girl. We just left him. He’s asking for you, so go on back,” Davis said as he placed a kiss on my forehead. I nodded at a smiling Ellen, and then hurried down the hallway past the double doors to the ICU/CCU ward. As I reached the curtain draped across Liam’s room, I stopped.
“I’m glad you’re awake, honey. I’ve been worried about you. Please rest. Everything is under control. I’ve been here every minute since you were shot, and I’ve assigned three staffers the job of watching all the news reports and then
reporting to me. We’ve already drafted a press release with all the angles covered. Your press on this will be positive. You are getting overwhelming coverage we need to take advantage of it.”
Texanne Estes hadn’t wasted any time to swoop in to be Liam’s right hand in the crisis. How the hell she’d gotten back to his room after his parents had left him, and before I could get back, was a mystery. And the thought she saw him fully awake before I could un-nerved me.
Furious, I left the curtain and stepped over to the nurses’ station. A young woman in scrubs with a nametag sat behind the desk, her eyes on the monitors in front of her, a keyboard under her hand. When she sensed my presence, her eyes shifted to meet mine.
“Can I help you, Mrs. Covington?” She smiled warmly at me.
“Yes. I was under the impression only immediate family would be allowed back here to see my husband, and only for brief visits.”
“Yes, his visitors are limited,” she replied, rising.
“Well, there is a visitor in his room who isn’t a relative. We need for his visitors to be more properly supervised,” I said quietly.
With a concerned expression, she rounded the desk and then moved toward Liam’s cubicle. As she pushed the curtain back, Texanne turned to meet the intrusion, her irritation apparent.
“I’m sorry, but only immediate family can visit the Senator,” Nurse Lisa began.
Texanne flashed the best pageant smile she could muster. “I’m sure I’m considered family. I’m running Liam’s re-election campaign,” she replied. Then her eyes met mine over the nurse’s shoulder, and they narrowed. She temporarily lost a bit of her bravado.
“I’m sure the campaign needs to take a backseat to his health,” I stated, my gaze as harsh as I could manage. “You need to stay in the waiting room with the rest of his staff,” I finished, my gaze now on Liam. I was immediately relieved, for his color was much improved from the last time I’d sat with him. He moved his eyes lazily from me back to Texanne. Even in his weakened state, he was ever the peace-maker.
“Kelly, don’t upset yourself. It’s fine, I’m sure she needs to update everyone,” Liam murmured, fighting his eyelids and pain meds to stay awake.
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