Still, listen: You’re wrong. You’re making a mistake! I don’t want to lock up a girl in my room or anything like that! I don’t want to kidnap anyone! You’re wrong. I’m not the one who committed that crime! Please, believe me! Trust me! Don’t look at me like that! Don’t look at me!
But… red schoolbags. And recorders. And innocent girls playing in the park. Gah!
“You want to play with big brother?”
“I’ll give you candy.”
“Just lift up your skirt.”
“Let's play doctor.”
“Here's your shot!”
I’m done for, done for, done for! I should die, die, die, right away. What’s that noise? Shut up…
“Satou! You’re here, aren’t you? Please, open up!” From somewhere far away, someone was calling out, “Satou! Are you alive? Are you dead? If you’re alive, please open the door!”
Someone was pounding on my apartment door. I didn’t have the capacity to show myself in public anymore, though. Leave me alone….
"What, are you really not there? I just wanted to lend you this marvelous illegal video."
Standing up, I wiped away my tears and opened the door.
Hearing my story, Yamazaki crumpled his face into a frown of pure disgust. “You locked yourself up for a whole week and just collected porn? You’re a failure as a human being.”
“First off, this is all your fault.”
“You say that, but I guess it’s your nature, after all. Right, Satou?”
“D-d-don’t you feel guilty, dragging me into this, and then saying that?”
“I told you those were just character references, right? Look, Satou, you’re not normal at all if you’ve collected thirty gigs of porn. I don’t even want to come close to you. Don’t come near me—you’re freaking me out!”
“G-gr-grrrr!” As a result of intense rage, I literally saw red. Both of my fists trembled.
“W-well, to change the mood, let’s start talking seriously about our plan for making the game. I’ll lend you this tape, okay?”
Snatching the tape from his hands, I smashed it against my leg and broke it in two. “Wh-wh-what are you… ?” Yamazaki stuttered.
At that moment, I saw my only escape from the lolicon world.
I glared at Yamazaki. “Yamazaki.”
“What? Please, pay me back for the video.”
“Lolicon material is inhuman; it’s monstrous.”
He was silent.
“Let’s escape, let’s escape together! If we don’t get away right now, we’ll be lolicons until we die! Hurry!” Forcefully grabbing Yamazaki’s hand, I pulled him out of the room.
***
Stopping by Yamazaki’s room for his digital camera, we headed outside, walking quickly through the town.
It was an early May afternoon. Although it was warm in town, there were few people outside.
“Where are we going?”
Without answering, I kept trudging forward.
On the way, I ducked into a convenience store and bought a disposable camera, which I gave to Yamazaki. I then continued to hurry toward my destination, Yamazaki in tow.
It was three o’clock in the afternoon. The best time possible.
“A digital camera and a disposable camera? What in the world do you want me to use this for?” Yamazaki asked, out of breath.
When I reached my destination, I answered, “Take a picture of me.”
“Why?”
“Well, do you know where we are?”
“Hm. This looks like the front gate of an elementary school.”
“Right, the Ikuta Elementary School, a public elementary school with about five hundred students. And I’m going to hide in the shrubs in front of the gate. Yamazaki, you hide, too. Hurry up!”
“Huh?”
“The end-of-the-day bell will ring soon. When that happens, the students will come pouring out of this gate.”
“That's true. So?”
“I’m going to take pictures.”
“O-of what?”
“Of elementary school students.”
He didn't say anything.
“I’m going to take some great pictures of beautiful little girls, using your state-of-the-art digital camera.”
Silence.
“You understand, Yamazaki? I’m going to sneak some pictures soon. I’ll hide and take pictures of little girls in the spring. I might even ‘accidentally’ take some panty shots. It’ll be fine. If we stay still and hide in these bushes, no one will find us. I’m going to photograph these elementary school students. I’ll take as many pictures as I can—only of the cutest girls, of course.”
The bell rang. In a few minutes, the students would come through this gate.
“Yamazaki, you take pictures of me with that disposable camera. Take as many pictures as you can of ugly me, the filthy lolicon guy, while he’s taking pictures of elementary school kids! You understand?{ }This is the only way we can escape from lolicon! You see that, right? You understand? It’s an ugly picture. However, at the same time, this is your appearance, too. You need to burn this disgusting, pathetic, dirty appearance onto that film. We’ll develop it together and objectively look at our own ugliness, dirtiness, and unsightliness. And then, we’ll be able to escape from lolicon and return to normal.”
The voices of the little girls echoed out from the entrance to the stairs. I readied the digital camera. Only a little more…
“Ready, Yamazaki?! I’m going to take the pictures. In just a moment, the first girls will arrive. I’ll secretly take their pictures! Then, you take my picture! You get it? If you understand, answer me, Yamazaki.
“Oh, the first one is beautiful! In a white dress, black tights, and dark brown boots, she’s amazing! Moe, moe! Are you listening, Yamazaki?! I’m clicking the shutter! Now, you click the shutter, too. Don’t use the flash, though—if you do, they’ll find us and call the police right away.
“Ah, this thrill, this blood-boiling, flesh-crawling thrill. I’m excited! My heart is pounding! Elementary school students nowadays are so cute. I’m clicking the shutter! Click! Click! Nice shot!
“Let’s call that wonderful elementary school student—she looks to be about a sixth-grade girl—let’s call her Sakura, for now. The second that Sakura turned back around to meet her friends, I couldn’t let that perfect diagonal, forty-five degree angle get away from me! Heh heh heh, are you listening, Yamazaki? Are you making sure to get photos of me, Yamazaki? Capture every last detail of my hideous lolicon appearance, or else I’ll just be a normal pervert.
“Whoa! More and more students are pouring out of the building. Look at those pretty girls, so full of life. I’m taking their pictures, taking their pictures, taking their pictures! Blow, spring breeze! Rise up, sudden wind! And lift up their skirts!
“Are you still there, Yamazaki? I’m looking into the digital camera’s finder, so I can’t tell if you’re there or not. You’re standing diagonally behind me, aren’t you, Yamazaki? Be sure to photograph my distasteful appearance. You understand, don’t you? Come on, Yamazaki, are you really listening? Hey, say something! I’m doing my best to get a panty shot of these little kids. You should be infected by my enthusiasm and doing your best, too. Are you listening? Hey, I said to say something! Oh well, whatever. We are committing a crime, after all. If you’re too scared to talk, that’s only natural. You have a soft voice, anyway.
“Hey, what do you know? Taking secret pictures is fun. And I am ugly now… . Hm, that’s right—I didn’t really want to become this sort of scum. When I was little, my dream was to go to Tokyo University and become a great scholar. I wanted to invent something that would help all mankind. And now, I’m a lolicon hikikomori! You should cry. Yeah, that’s right. Cry! Shed tears for my repulsive appearance!
“We wanted to smile casually and happily each day; we wanted to enjoy a normal, average, invigorating daily life. The incomprehensibly rough waves of fate have made it impossible, though—so, cry i
n despair! We really wanted to be useful to everyone, to be respected by everyone, to live in harmony with everyone. Now, though, we’re lolicon hikikomori—so, cry in despair! You must cry!
“Oh, I’m sad. I’m so sad. But the elementary school kids are cute. I’m excited.
“Ah. Ooh. My tears won’t stop. The finder is fogging up, so I can’t see too well. But I’ll keep taking pictures of these little girls—so, Yamazaki, you need to work hard to keep taking pictures, too. It’s sad, but let’s try hard. We can’t stop crying, but let’s do all we can. We’ll do our best to photograph the elementary school kids!
“Huh? What? Why are you suddenly tapping my shoulder? Is something wrong? Hey, hey, cut it out. We’re just getting to the good part.
“See? Look at that one, the short-haired girl wearing knee socks. She’s so cute; I want to take her home. Put her under my arm like take-out and carry her home. Eh? What a pain in the ass you are. I’m busy right now! Come on, what’s wrong with you, Yamazaki. If you tap me like that, the picture will blur. Hey, hey, you’re really annoying me. What happened to you, all of a sudden?”
“Satou! I said, Satou!”
“Shhh! Quiet, or we’re going to get caught!”
“What are you doing in a place like this, Satou?”
“It should be obvious. That short-haired girl…”
“The girl?”
“Taking secret pict—“
At that moment, I just happened to take my eyes off the finder. As I did, the palm resting on my shoulder entered the corner of my vision. Those slender, pliable fingers couldn’t possibly belong to a man….
I turned around.
Misaki was there. My heart started pumping at fifty times my normal pulse rate.
A gentle breeze was blowing.
Time stopped.
***
Somewhere along the way, Yamazaki had disappeared, only to be replaced by Misaki.
To make things worse, Misaki was decked out in her religious outfit—the plain, long-sleeved dress and white parasol. Dressed like that, she was crouched down in the bushes with me.
“Wh-wh-when did you get here?”
“Just a few seconds ago.”
I thought about asking how much of my frenzied prattle she had heard, but I gave up. Either way, this was a huge crisis.
A shady man, digital camera hung around his neck, hiding in the shadows near the gate of an elementary school. Anyone would take him for a pervert—and rightfully so. I was already out of options. Gah! I’m sorry, Mother and Father. I wasn’t content with dropping out of college. I needed to be thrown in jail for sex crimes, also. I’m a complete failure as a son. How can I atone for this crime?
I was already out of time. Misaki, who kept looking into my face, would start screaming soon. “There’s a pervert here! Someone, come quick!”
No, no. No doubt, it wouldn’t end with that. After all, she was dressed in her religious clothes. And religions have strict commandments like, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Naturally, lusting after a child would be beyond the pale—which is exactly why God’s rage rains down on lolicon men.
That’s right. Misaki likely would threaten me with something like, “The Lord knows all your sins!”[18] She would say, “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and knoweth all things!”[19] and set me shivering with fear. Saying, “For the wages of sin is death,”[20] she likely would try to throw me into the hellfire of God’s rage!
This was the absolute end. Looking up at the sky, I prepared for the moment that God’s punishment would descend upon me. In that moment, my life would come to a close. My future would be sealed. It was just a second away.
Time passed while I waited, though, and Misaki didn’t denounce me. Looking back down at Misaki, she was still gazing at me. Our bodies hidden in the bushes, we stared at each other silently.
Finally, Misaki explained, “I just saw Yamazaki, face covered with both hands, run off in the direction of your apartment. I wondered what was going on; and when I peeked in here, I saw you, Satou, so …”
“You know Yamazaki?”
“The man in room 202, right? He looked pretty happy to get ‘Awaken!’ from us. That’s unusual.”
“He did? What a strange guy.”
“Am I bothering you? You did look pretty busy, after all, Satou.”
“N-no! Not at all. I mean, not really. By the way, Misaki, what were you doing in this area?” I tried to change the subject. I was beginning to feel as though I might actually get away with the whole thing.
“I’m on my way home from our religious recruiting. Auntie Kazuko and I were just passing by here. I had Auntie go on home ahead of me when I found out you were here.”
“Yeah? By the way, I really like your religious outfit. The parasol really gives off a spiritual aura.”
When I said that, Misaki cast her eyes downward. “This is a disguise.” Her face turned pink as she spoke.
“Huh?”
“I really hate doing this religious solicitation stuff, so I go out of my way to carry a parasol. That way, no one will remember my face.” Her reason was strangely reassuring. After everything, she remained mysterious. I still couldn’t tell who she really was.
This was my chance to escape. Run away now!
“Well then, I’ve got to be going.” I stood up.
Misaki also stood, closing her parasol.
Just like that, I started walking away awkwardly. I made it to the sidewalk from behind the bushes, and then I briskly headed up the path toward my apartment.
“Satou?”
“What?” I asked without turning around or slowing down.
“So, you’re actually a lolicon?”
I felt as though my heart would stop. Pretending I hadn’t heard, I walked even faster.
Misaki continued, “It’s fine if you are a lolicon. In fact, it might even be more convenient for you. If you say you’re a lolicon hikikomori, it’d be the absolute best. You’d be at the very lowest rank of human society, after all.”
I stopped walking and turned around.
Misaki wore her habitual smile. “Yeah. Thinking about it, lolicon is better. That way, I think you’re even more perfect for my project.” She jumped lightly, excited. It seemed, once again, to be somewhat forced.
In the calmest voice I could possibly manage, I stated, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, I’m not a lolicon hikikomori, you know. I’m a creator! I was just taking reference pictures.”
“Hm…”
“It’s true.”
“Well, let’s meet again. Don’t do anything that would put you on the news, okay?” With that, Misaki marched away.
It was a May afternoon.
Chapter 06. Fond Memories, Followed by an Oath
Part One
The second Golden Week[21] had arrived, I recognized that the rainy season had ended in a flash.[22] The days passed and passed and passed at an amazing speed.
However, over the course of a month, all sorts of events had occurred.
For example, one night recently, I happened to run into Misaki at the convenience store. She handed me a piece of printer paper. It appeared to be a contract. “Contract” was written on the paper in black ballpoint pen.
Just a week before that, I’d made plans to meet the girl I’d known from my high school literary club. We went to a cafe in Shibuya and had a little chat. I was a bit nervous, but nothing of note happened.
On top of that, my father was laid off during a “restructuring.” My allowance would stop the following month.
Likewise, my next door neighbor, Yamazaki, also seemed to be facing all sorts of unexpected hardships recently. “My father, who works in the primary sector, has been hospitalized with liver trouble,” he explained. “I’m the eldest son. Should I take over the family business?”
In reality, it seemed like he had no choice. I thought his best decision would be to go home right away and run his family’s dair
y farm and winery. Apparently, he had some deep issues with his parents.
“Even though they have money, they wouldn’t help me continue my education. They sent an application to a dairy school without even asking me. And so I worked part time for a year at convenience stores and as a security guard to earn my tuition for Yoyogi Animation Institute. They’ve got to be kidding, coming to me with this now!”
I didn’t really understand Yamazaki’s anger, but becoming furious allowed him to put off thinking about these problems. He acted as though he would simply not commit to anything, even if everything caved in around him. I decided to follow his example and just avoid reality for the time being.
Speaking of avoiding reality, there was still the issue of the erotic game we’d been planning. We were trying to push forward, even now, at a time when our project was almost utterly meaningless.
Truthfully, I should escape from my hikikomori life as quickly as possible and focus on trying to get a legitimate job; but for some reason, I put on a smile and told Yamazaki, “I’d like you to just leave me alone about the Lolita stuff, okay?”
“Sure. We can work with your tastes, Satou. I honestly thought we would be arrested at our little elementary school picture-taking event the other day.”
I don’t care about anything like that; I have to find a job now or I’m finished! I wanted to scream, but once again, I smiled and went along With him. “I’ll write the scenarios today.”
“I’m counting on you. The quality of the game all depends on your scenarios, Satou.”
“I know. I’ll do my best when writing them. I’ll put all my energy into making this erotic game!”
Yeah, this is the peak. Bravo! Or rather, that’s awful!
***
Nothing is better suited for escaping from reality than making an erotic game. After all, the genre itself aspires toward limitless escapism.
Yamazaki, seated at his two huge computer towers, started another speech. “That’s right. Escapism is the very essence of the erotic game. As creators, we have to offer the player an enjoyable escape from reality. The real world is overflowing with painful things: girls who make asses out of guys like us, girls who make fun of guys like us, that bitch who cheated on me with the manager of the convenience store, the community college student who toyed with my adolescence… all those painful things make this world a difficult place.”
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