by A. J. Downey
Me: Most but not all?
Maren: Mrs. Kubrick, my English Lit teacher, is either a harpy or one of the furies, she wasn’t going to give me an extension on my midterm until Mr. Thorpe, the principal, made her.
Me: LOL Well ur ahead of me on that score, I barely made it out of HS.
Maren: You did, though.
Me: I did.
Maren: So what did you end up becoming when you grew up? I mean, what does LMP stand for?
Me: Licensed Massage Practitioner.
Maren: Oh!
I couldn’t help but smile, grinning to myself in the dark.
Me: Not what u expected?
Maren: I’m sorry, I must sound horribly judgmental.
Me: I’m used to it from citizens like u.
Maren: Ouch, not sure what you mean by that but yeah, I apologize. It was wrong of me to judge you like that when all you’ve been is nice to me.
Me: Sorry, sarcasm and joking don't come thru txt the best. I’m in an MC – Citizen is what we call anyone not in the club with us. Ur a citizen, Sage is a citizen, anyone not in a patch is a citizen.
Maren: The way you make it sound, it sounds as if ‘citizen’ is either a dirty word or somehow less in your eyes.
Me: Maybe it does carry thru txt just fine. :-P Seriously tho, it’s hard to explain. I’ll take you out to dinner sometime and tell you all about it if u want. Well, what I can say without giving up any club business.
Another long pause. I pictured her lying there, phone raised above her face, considering carefully what I’d just said. She had a habit of chewing the inside of her cheek when she was thinking, causing an adorable one-sided dimple when she did it. Finally, she texted back.
Maren: I think I’d like that actually.
Me: Good, it’s a date then. I texted it without thinking, and sighed thinking it was going to be a pain in the ass weaseling out of this one, my brain asking me, now why the fuck did you do that, numbnuts? She’s young enough to be your kid. A date? Really? She isn’t even eighteen!
Maren: Aren’t I a little young for you? :-P
Me: Just a turn of phrase, angel. Just a turn of phrase.
Maren: LOL I know, I just had to yank your chain a little.
Me: Ha ha. Very funny. Lemme ask you something.
Maren: Sure
Me: Did you smile?
Maren: Yes
Me: Are you smiling now?
Maren: Yes
Me: Do you feel better?
Maren: Yes, much. Thank you.
Me: Well alright then.
Chapter 6
Maren
Thank you, Jesus! I thought to myself. It was two days after Christmas and I was trying to spend my winter break getting the house in order and my English lit paper finished before Sage and I had to go back to school. I was scheduled to work later, trying to get as much of that in as possible too; but the snow had piled so high in front of the garage, that there would be no going to work unless someone shoveled the driveway. I’d been begging Sage to help me for like the last hour and finally, I heard the scrape of the snow shovel against the concrete out front.
I was in the garage, shivering and trying to fold the clothes out of the dryer double time so I could go back inside and get them put away, just so I could go onto the next tedious chore. It’d been like this for so long, I didn’t really know any other way of life except how to be frazzled and tired all of the time.
I dropped a pile of Sage’s folded tee shirts into the laundry basket, followed them up with a bunch of his balled up socks, and finished off the pile with his neatly folded jeans and boxer shorts. I hefted the basket, propped it against my hip, and went for the door leading into the house gratefully. That first blast of warm air as I opened it up was a welcome one, let me tell you.
I took the basket in both hands and the stairs two at a time, nudging Sage’s bedroom door open with my hip. I froze in the doorway and blinked at my brother sitting cross-legged, still in his PJ’s at the end of his bed, game controller in his hands.
“Sage, what are you doing?” I demanded.
“What’s it look like?”
“I asked you to shovel the driveway!”
“I’ll do it later,” he said but I was less concerned with that.
I set the basket of clothes down and told him, “Never mind that. Get off the game and put these away.” He rolled his eyes so hard I was pretty sure he saw his own gray matter, but he paused the game and slid off the end of his bed, standing. He grabbed the basket off the floor and put it on his bed and started going through it.
“Thank you!” I called over my shoulder, my feet already carrying me back to the stairs, the front door the next target in my sights. I wanted to know who was out there. I pulled my coat off the line of hooks by the door and shrugged it on. I opened the front door, stepped onto the front porch and squinted in the direction of the drive, blinded by the sun reflecting off of the snow, my eyes automatically watering as they struggled to adjust.
I blinked at the two bikers, snow shovels in hand, a pickup parked at the curb as they cleared out in front of my garage. They looked up and Nox gave a wave.
“Figured you could use a hand.”
“You have no idea,” I said back and rolled my eyes pretty hard. “I’ve been asking Sage to get out here all morning, but you should have said something, or come to the door!”
“Nah, wanted to make sure you could get out so you could get to work on time.”
I smiled in spite of myself and wondered if my dad were up there, playing some kind of a funny on me, sending me angels dressed in leather and black. The other biker stomped his feet on the drive.
“Is it okay if I salt this?” he asked. “Temperatures are supposed to drop, and if you come home after dark, it’s gonna be an ice rink.
“Uh, no, no problem at all! Please, in fact.”
“Cool, I’m Rush,” he came forward and stuck out his hand, “I’m this retard’s twin brother.”
I shook his gloved hand and smiled, “Maren, and my retarded brother is upstairs.”
The front door opened, and Sage cried, “I am not, and you’re retarded!” before he slammed the door and I heard him lock it.
I sighed and said, “Jokes on him, my keys are in my pocket.”
Rush and Nox laughed, and Nox shook his head, eyes unreadable under his wraparound sunglasses.
“You want, I can have a talk with him later,” he said.
I sighed again and it was a heavy one this time, “It’s okay, I wasn’t exactly leading by example there, you know?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sweetheart,” Rush said. “It ain’t easy raising a kid at your age, let alone a pre-teen.”
“Thanks,” I murmured. “Um, can I get you guys something hot? Coffee, tea, some soup maybe?” I asked, remembering my manners.
“That’d be great,” Nox said with a smile, “Whatever ya got, you know? Whatever’s easiest,” he said gently.
“What he said,” Rush replied, going back to shoveling.
“Okay,” I murmured, blushing lightly. I couldn’t help it, Nox had a good smile.
I let myself back into the house and called up the stairs, “Sage! I’m making lunch, what do you want?”
“Food!” he called down over the heavy artillery of his video game.
“Fine, but turn that down!” I yelled up.
He turned it up louder and I hung my head. “Pick your battles, Maren,” I reminded myself under my breath and was shrugging out of my coat when the front door popped open. Nox winked at me, his sunglasses on the top of his head.
“Hey, Sage!” he called up the stairs.
“What?” my brother demanded rudely.
“Shut that off, man! I can hear it all the way outside. Better yet, why don’t you come down here and help us out?” Nox called.
The violence upstairs suspended as if by magic, as I pulled my coat off the rest of the way and hung it back up.
“Awrig
ht!” Sage called down and I raised my eyebrows at Nox. He grinned at me, and with another wink, ducked back outside. I went into the kitchen to cook and heard Sage thunder down the stairs a minute later, the front door opening and slamming closed.
I jumped and closed my eyes, willing my heart back into my chest. No matter how many times I told him not to do that, he always did, and no matter how much I knew it was going to happen, how much I totally expected it to happen, it always startled me. I was just as bad with horror movies too. I had to cover my ears as much as my eyes to keep from startling at them, too. It was why I pretty much hated them and avoided watching them at all costs.
I went through my cupboards and fridge looking through everything and decided when it came to a meal that would both warm and fill four people I was pretty much limited to grilled cheese and tomato soup again, which was fine. The last time we’d had it had been the day before Christmas Eve; long enough ago now that Sage shouldn’t complain.
I opened up three cans of soup and mixed them with the last of our milk, putting them on the stove to heat. Next, I brought out the last of our bread, cheddar cheese, and some butter and got to work whipping up the sandwiches while the soup gently started to steam. I made instant hot cocoa for them and tea for me; even going as far as to set the dining room table for the four of us. I went to the front door and opened it up.
“Come on guys, come and eat!” I called and the three of them marched across the frozen ground, knocking their boots on the porch’s stairs, and wiping their feet on the mat in front of the door. It still boggled my mind that these bikers were such… such gentlemen. I sighed inwardly with a touch of regret that I could judge a book by its cover so thoroughly. My father had raised me better than that; me and Sage both.
“What ‘cha got cookin’ good lookin’?” Rush asked and Nox knocked him in the ribs with his elbow. I blushed to the roots of my hair.
“I’m afraid I need to go grocery shopping once I’m off my shift, so it’s grilled cheese and tomato soup.”
“Sounds good!” Nox said and I gestured for them to come on back to the kitchen and the little dining table in it.
We sat down and I squeezed my teabag, setting it on the edge of my plate.
“Hot cocoa and everything, alright!” Rush said and he and Nox were smiling. Sage remained quiet, almost sullen.
“You okay, Sage?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah,” he said and I frowned.
“He’s cool,” Nox said. “Aren’t you, Sage?”
“Yes, sir.”
I blinked, surprised and Nox laughed, “Ain’t gotta be so formal to me.”
Sage dipped his sandwich into his soup and took a bite so he didn’t have to say anything. I did likewise and when I’d finished chewing and swallowing asked him, “Did you pack a bag with some stuff to do?”
“Yeah.”
“Ariel is going to be here to pick you up in about an hour, so at least you’ll get to spend some time with Ian tonight, right?” I said, trying to sound upbeat.
“Yeah, we’re supposed to play Madden,” he said glumly.
“What’s wrong, Sage?” I asked, my concern growing.
“You know I don’t mean to be a dick, right?” he asked and his eyes welled up. Nox got up and moved so I could take his seat. I pulled my brother against me and he said, “I just really wish Mom were here!” he wailed, and I felt the last brittle bits of my heart sift into dust.
“Sage, you know that can’t happen,” I murmured and hugged him tight. “We’re going to be okay, I promise. I’m doing everything I can –” He shoved me away hard.
“You aren’t an adult, Maren! You’re just a kid! Like me! We aren’t going to be okay! Nothing’s ever going to be okay again!”
“Hey!” Nox barked, as I sat back and tried not to let my own tears break free. I had been trying so very hard for Sage, to be everything he needed and then some, but still, every one of my fears had just come out of his mouth at me, sharp and accusatory.
“You and your sister are going to be fine, you’ve got people in your corner and like I said outside, you need to cut her some slack, buddy. Can’t you see how hard she’s trying?”
“Nox is right, man. She’s busting her butt to keep you here, in the house you grew up in. So what’re you fighting her so hard for?”
“I don’t know!” Sage bellowed, “I don’t care, either!” and he dodged around Nox and ran for the stairs, Nox went to go after and I grabbed his hand.
“Let him go,” I said hollowly. “Let him simmer down, he’s just angry and confused, and this is a lot for him.”
Nox sank into the seat I’d vacated and wrapped his long, strong fingers around mine. He jerked his chin at Rush, who picked up his plate and said, “It’s a nice day out, I’m going to eat on the porch.”
“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to,” I said and he just smiled at me and went out anyways.
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through all of the emotions welling up in me at once. Instead of calming down, though, I felt like I was losing ground containing them with every breath I took, rather than gaining any of the control I fought so hard to keep.
I looked at Nox who was sitting there, quietly, solid and sympathetic, without saying a single word and all I could whisper was, “He was my dad, too…” before my shoulders shook with the sobs I just couldn’t suppress anymore.
“I know, Baby,” he soothed and pulled me into a tight hug, kneading the base of my skull with his fingertips, probing along my neck as if taking some kind of measure. He let me cry, and it was cathartic. One of those good, strong, cries that left you feeling cleansed and regrouped and ready to take on more. I sat back and he gave me a paper towel off the roll in the standing dispenser in the middle of the table that we used for napkins.
I wiped off my face and blew my nose and he smiled a little wanly and asked, “Better?”
I nodded, “Better.”
Rush came back through the front door and walked briskly back to where we were at, “I really hope y’all are good because it’s cold as hell out there and I can’t do it anymore.”
I laughed lightly, “I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be. This is the kind of shit you aren’t supposed to go through until you’re something like fifty.”
I nodded silently and traded a look with Nox who smiled encouragingly. We’d texted throughout the holiday briefly, late Christmas night, and yesterday morning. I hadn’t gotten to talk to him much yesterday throughout the day as he’d said he was at work. Just a few ‘how are you doing’ texts between clients for him and he’d put in a long day of appointments, crashing for the night early. I didn’t know how he could do it with his hands, wondering didn’t they get tired?
A knock fell at the front door interrupting my thoughts as we finished up our meal and I called out, “Sage! Get ready, I think that’s Ariel!” Nox trailed me up the hallway as I slipped past Rush, I opened the door to two men in blue work uniforms standing on my porch, the one who’d knocked held a clipboard and I felt my face fall.
“Maren Tracy?” he asked, quiet and respectfully.
“Yes, please come in.” I stepped back to let the men from the hospice equipment place into the house and stepped back lightly into Nox’s chest. His hands fell on my shoulders and I jumped slightly, his thumbs digging in between my shoulder blades, releasing the knot of tension I had mounting there.
Sage came half way down the stairs and Rush put up a hand to stop him, “Not for you, after all, little buddy. Let these guys do their thing, okay?”
Sage rolled his eyes and turned around, “Whatever,” he muttered and jogged back up the staircase. I closed my eyes and let him go.
“I’m sorry, Rush…”
“Don’t be,” Nox said soothingly by my ear. “You doing okay?”
I nodded and watched them take the IV stand out first, and the medical tray table my dad took meals on… his last meals, my eyes watering up. I hugged myself and stood asid
e and let them take the bed and the other miscellaneous things out of the living room.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Ma’am,” the worker said and shook my hand. I signed that they had picked up the equipment with shaking fingers and sniffed.
“Is that why you came today?” I asked Nox quietly.
“We figured you could use a hand moving the furniture back into place,” he said and I burst into a fresh round of sobs. He swept a hand over his short, dark hair and turned me around, pulling me into another hug. Rubbing my back until the well ran itself dry again.
“Maren?” I looked up the stairs and felt my heart drop, Sage was three steps up and looking scared and uncertain. I sniffed and wiped my eyes on my sleeve and tried to get my shit together.
“It’s okay Sage. I’m sorry. What do you need?”
It was too late, though, he’d seen weakness and he dropped like a stone to the steps and burst into tears himself. I went and sat down next to him and we both sniffed and cried it out and I kept telling him, over and over, “I don’t want you to be scared, Sage. It’s okay, I’m doing everything I can and everything is going to be okay, I promise.”
“I thought you didn’t care!” he wailed and I felt stricken.
“Of course I care, how could you think I didn’t care?” I hugged my brother tightly.
“Then why didn’t you cry? When dad died and they came and took him away, why weren’t you upset?”
“I was upset, I am upset, Sage, I just didn’t want you to see it. I’m trying to be strong for the both of us.”
“You’re a liar!” he screamed and shoved me off of him and bounded up the stairs. “You wanted him dead!” he shouted, disappearing into his room and slamming the door behind him. I sat there in stunned silence, the knife twisting deep in my heart and I was almost afraid that my relationship with my brother was forever changed in that instant. Rush broke the heavy silence hanging over the three of us remaining.
“Well, shit. That probably didn’t go according to plan.”
“Shut up, Rush,” Nox grated at his brother. He sat down next to me while I tried to regain my composure.
“I’m okay,” I lied, standing up abruptly. If Nox touched me, I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t fall completely apart again and I couldn’t risk it. Not with Ariel coming any minute.