by A. J. Downey
“I don’t think I follow,” he murmured.
“Like now, I want more than anything for you to trust me, and for you to close that door so we can just be, but I know you can’t…”
“I trust you, Maren.”
“You can’t, at least not really,” I said.
“Why do you think that?”
“Stop me if I’m wrong,” I said. “What’s to say you close that door, and we lay down, and I fall asleep and we just cuddle? Nothing inappropriate happens, you don’t touch anything you’re not supposed to, we don’t even kiss… What’s to say, a week, a month or even a year from now I don’t get upset with you and as vindictive recourse, I go out and cry rape or something equally awful? You know I would never do that, I know I would never do that, but so many other girls that have gone before have done just that… which makes it unsafe for you or for me to close the door and have some privacy.”
“By and far it’s the same for you, isn’t it?” he asked, smoothing his hands up and down my back over my thin cardigan. “What’s to say I’m not some dirty old fucker? What’s to say I don’t pin you down and do things? Make you cry? Hurt you?”
“Because that’s not who you are.”
“Maybe not,” he said, with a hint of a satisfied smile tinging his voice. “The rest of the world might have a different opinion about it, though.”
“I wish we could just forget about what other people think.”
“Me too, Angel. If it’s the one thing I’ve definitely learned, it’s that people don’t know how, or just can’t mind their own fucking business.”
I sighed heavily and nodded wearily against his shoulder, “So what now?”
“I figure I leave the door open, we lay down, and talk about whatever you want. You fall asleep, I let you sleep, and I take you back in the morning.”
“And then?”
“And then we Cinderella for a few months.”
I laughed, “We what?”
He shrugged, “Dawn’s our midnight; it comes, we go back to being pumpkins and pretend this was just a good dream – at least until you’re eighteen and no one has a say about the shit that we do, or do not do.”
I let him lead me to the bed and sat down at his urging. He knelt and unzipped my knee high boots, sliding them off and setting them neatly at the foot of the bed.
“People will still talk, won’t they?”
“Yeah, people will always talk, but Maren, we don’t exactly have to listen.”
I smiled a bit wanly, “We don’t now, do we?”
“Unfortunately, when it comes to the law, I do,” he said and lifted my ankles, swinging them in towards the mattress. He laid my legs on his bed and I just naturally lay back to watch him. He came around to the other side, pulled off his boots and did the same as he did with mine, lined them up neatly at the foot of the bed on his side before he lay on his side to look at me. Our hands just sort of naturally met in the middle, on the mattress between us.
“I don’t understand.” I said, “What does the law have to say about it if I say everything is fine?”
“Not how the law always works, Angel. Even though you’re perfectly capable of making your own decisions, even though you’re legally emancipated, all it takes is one social justice warrior with a badge to say that you are still a minor and that I’m somehow victimizing you and bam! I’m walking around with a life sentence of having to be on some sexual predator registry. I’d lose my license, wouldn’t be able to practice massage anymore. My livelihood, my ability to live where I wanted, anytime I tried to get hired on anywhere else, all of it would be in jeopardy even if we were still together or not.”
“That’s not fair,” I murmured.
“Neither is life, Angel.” He shrugged the shoulder he wasn’t laying on and it was such a nonchalant motion over such a serious topic, the fact that he had just given up and knows this to be true, or the case – it broke my heart.
“Not everything has sinister connotations,” I whispered and he gave me a crooked smile.
“No, not everything, but enough of the real world situations do and so people just get to calling a spade a spade. I’m almost twenty years older than you, I like you, and for a whole hell of a lot more than your age or your body. You’re a smart woman, Maren, and strong, even if you don’t feel like it. You’re interesting and not like other women I’ve met. I want to get to know you and I have to say, the best things in life are worth waiting for and I don’t think you’re an exception to that particular rule.”
His last sentence made my breath catch in my throat, my eyes very nearly mist, and I felt galvanized of a sort. If he could wait and be patient, then so could I. After all, he had done for me, and for Sage, I think I could wait forever if I had to.
Nox reached out and grazed his thumb gently in the corner of my eye, thumbing away the pool of moisture there. He leaned forward carefully and pressed a kiss to my forehead, sighing.
“It’s okay,” he murmured, lips against my skin. “We can do this. Hell, you can do anything, just look at all you’ve done so far…”
I closed my eyes and basked in the comfort of his presence. It felt good to have someone acknowledge it out loud, you know? To recognize that it wasn’t easy, being seventeen, being the only one available to help your only functional parent through their last days. Dealing with the paperwork, the social workers, the hospice workers, and the finances; managing your little brother and his feelings, his pain, on top of your own to the best of your ability. That it was hard maintaining a full-time job, on top of a full-time high school class schedule, all of the legalities with inheritance and emancipation, becoming a legal guardian for a brother who had little to no interest in cooperating at all.
To have someone look at me and say that I could do anything I put my mind to, when I constantly felt like I was on a razor’s edge of failure… that was something I needed. That was just the right thing at just the right time and I couldn’t help it. I wept with relief that I wasn’t crazy and that this really was as hard as it felt. I wept knowing that I finally wasn’t doing it completely alone.
Nox let me shake and let me cry and smoothed my hair away from my face, making soothing sounds, keeping me warm and giving me a sense of safety – that it was finally safe for me to simply feel all of these things. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I did, and it was probably the best sleep I had ever had; at least since my father told my brother and me of his diagnosis. When I woke up, light streamed in the high window and the door still stood wide, but Nox’s side of the bed was empty, a blanket lay over the top of me and I sat up, shoving it off.
I slipped on my boots and brought down my coat and scarf from the back of the door where it remained; Nox’s jacket and cut missing from the hook next to it. I used the bathroom at the end of the hall and slipped out the door we’d come in from. Frost, so thick it looked like snow, coated the grass and my breath fogged the open air. I winced as the sound of a table saw assaulted my ears and I marched across the grass to the open bay door to investigate its origins. That’s where I found Nox’s brother Rush in what I presumed to be his woodshop.
“Hey, Jailbait!” he called out and I felt myself blush.
“Hi,” I called back as the saw whirred down.
“Lookin’ for Nox?” he grunted and inspected the cut he’d just made. Something was different, it was like Rush was more reserved than he had been before last night and I felt myself sigh inwardly.
“Yeah, have you seen him?” I asked.
“Think he was making y’all some breakfast inside the main building. Just go through the back door and past the media room. The kitchen is behind the bar,” he answered, his expression going back and forth as if he were struggling with things…
“Ah, thank you.”
Rush nodded and looked me over, I waited for him to say what was on his mind knowing it was likely something I wasn’t going to like.
“Just do me a favor, Maren,” he said finally, and I nodde
d for him to go on. “Just don’t fuck over my brother. He’s a good guy, and for some reason, of all the chicks that's out there, he got stuck on you. Personally, in some ways, I think it’s a good choice, you’re one solid chick, but you’re too young. Plain and simple, which makes it the wrong choice. I worry, you know?”
I nodded, and forced a smile, “I worry too, so I guess that’s a good sign, yeah?”
Rush nodded, “Yeah, maybe it is.”
He started up the saw and was all concentration behind his clear safety glasses as he made his next cut, and I felt as dismissed as anyone could be. I escaped the grating high pitched noise by trudging through the white coated grass towards the back door of the club, past Nox’s car which was iced over pretty good. So he hadn’t left at all, which eased my anxiety.
I wiped my boots on the mat outside the back door and slipped inside the warmth of the main building. I slipped through the archways and found the bar easily enough, but paused before going in. Even though I was emancipated, and considered an adult in every regard, I was still legally a minor when it came to both alcohol and cigarettes. I couldn’t buy them, and I couldn’t just waltz into a bar…
“Come on in here, he’s in the kitchen in the back. Somehow I doubt any law enforcement is gonna jump out and bite ya,” an older man said. He was bald and had a trucker’s mustache. He was sitting at a table across from Dragon who looked half asleep, smoke curling out of his nose. I returned my gaze to the older man and he looked at me with watery blue eyes over half-moon spectacles. He clutched a thick romance novel, of all things, between his hands and I blushed.
“I’m looking for Nox,” I murmured and the old man smiled.
“I gathered that Honey, the way you was suckin’ face last night. An’ like I said, he’s in the kitchen, through there. Go on now, its booze, not anything that’s gonna get you.”
“Thank you,” I murmured and yet still felt uneasy stepping into the room and past the two men at the table. Dragon chuckled and shook his head.
“Were we ever that young, Doc?”
“Yeah, we was just fearless when we were…”
I left the men to their conversation, reminiscing over this and that and slipped behind the bar and into the kitchen beyond. Nox smiled over his shoulder at me as he stood at the range, waiting on what looked like sausage patties.
“You’ll take a hit off of a joint which is illegal all of the time, but you’re afraid to even walk into a room full of alcohol which you only gotta wait four more years for?” he asked, and his tone was gently teasing.
I shrugged, blushing harder and said, “I never said I was consistent, just serious…”
He laughed outright and turned back to the range, flipping the patties gently with a metal spatula.
“Was making breakfast sandwiches, what time you gotta pick Sage up?”
“Noon, unless Ariel calls sooner. I don’t think she’ll be watching him overnight for a while,” I said making a face. Nox’s fell and he cocked his head.
“Why not? What’s going on?”
“Sage being Sage, I guess. She wasn’t specific, just said that it would be a while before she could do an overnight. When I offered to let Ian come over for an overnight at our house, she said no, that it was okay and I get it, I guess...” I mean, I was only seventeen, and I was apparently doing a real bang up job as a single parent type with Sage. Nox nodded slowly and simply stood, raking his eyes over me, like he was trying to decide if I was telling him the whole truth.
“It’ll be okay,” he murmured and I nodded.
“It will all get figured out,” I agreed softly.
He opened his mouth to speak and it was cut off by the shrill trilling of my ringtone. I dug my phone out of the pocket of my coat.
“Speak of the devil,” I muttered, flashing him Ariel’s name on the screen. He nodded and went back to cooking. I answered the phone before it could ring a third time.
“Hello?”
“Maren, hi, um… can I ask where are you?”
“I’m having breakfast with a friend, why, what’s up?”
“I’m at your house with Sage. Um, I need to drop him off a little early.”
I closed my eyes, “What’s happened?” I asked.
“It will probably be better if we talked in person.”
“Yes, you know what, I’m sorry you’re absolutely correct,” I said in my best parenting voice, whatever that was… “I’ll be home in just a few minutes. Twenty at the most.”
“Okay, thank you. I really, honestly expected you to be home.”
“Yes, I’m sorry, I figured I was only a phone call away…”
“Right, well, see you in about twenty minutes.”
“Twenty minutes,” I agreed.
By the time I hung up, Nox was handing me a breakfast sandwich wrapped in a paper towel.
“Guess breakfast is ‘to go’ this morning,” he said with a charming half-smile. It made me smile in return.
“We’d better hurry.”
“You bet, come on.”
I followed him back out to his car, worry gnawing at me. I wondered what had been done, had Sage broken something? Had he hurt Ian or Ian’s little sister? What on earth was going on?
When Nox and I pulled up to the curb outside of my house, the breakfast sandwich had decided to sit in my stomach like lead. I got out of the car before he could even shut it off and met Ariel half way down the driveway. She had been sitting in her car, while my little brother had been sitting huddled on the porch swing near the front door.
“Keys,” Nox called and I pulled mine out, tossing them to him. He went for Sage while I went for Ariel.
“Ariel, why is my little brother sitting out in the cold while you sit in your car?” I asked, not rudely, not angrily, I simply asked.
“Maren, it was his choice,” she said putting up her hands, “after I told him that he and Ian needed to take a break for a little while.”
I felt my back go up and I gritted my teeth, “Don’t you think that maybe we should have talked about that before you said something to him?” I asked.
Ariel looked uncertain, “Well, you’re so young…”
“And I’m still his guardian, would you mind filling me in on what exactly is going on?”
“I just think that Sage is going through a lot right now and that he’s maybe becoming a bad influence on Ian as a result.”
I rubbed my forehead and looked at Ariel plainly, “Can you tell me why you reached that conclusion?” I asked.
“I overheard Sage telling Ian last night that Ian didn’t have to listen to me, or his father, just like Sage doesn’t have to listen to you…”
“And your control over Ian is so fragile that you thought Sage’s opinion would make that much of a difference?” I asked and I couldn’t help being bitter and even snarky about it.
“Maren, it’s not like that – ”
“Then what is it, Ariel? Were you even going to give me the chance to fix it? To talk to Sage?”
She was silent for a time and finally said, “You know all about kids and peer pressure these days… I just think it’s a good idea that Sage takes a time out; that you and he sort some things out.”
“I don’t disagree, but wow. Just wow… I’m going to go inside and do just that, but I think you need to leave.”
“Maren!”
“Thank you for everything that you’ve done so far, Ariel. I really do appreciate it. I mean that, ” I called over my shoulder and I went into my house without another backward glance.
I found Nox standing in the living room, arms crossed over his chest, staring down at my little brother who was huddled on the couch, sniffling. I dropped onto the cushion beside him and tried not to cry myself. I felt like I was screwing just everything up for him, but had to admit, Sage needed to take some responsibility too.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked gently.
“No.”
“Well,” Nox drawled. “That’s t
oo bad this time, buddy. You need to listen to your sister.”
“Why?” Sage demanded, “She’s only six years older than me! She gets to do whatever she wants, why can’t I?”
I couldn’t help the harsh, choked, bitter laugh that escaped me, “Is that what you think? Because if I were doing what I wanted, I would probably be a lot happier,” I said, staring at Nox, who caught my meaning and inclined his head with a sad little smile. Neither one of us were having much fun having reverted back to pumpkin status.
Sage brought up his head and glared at me savagely and I stared right back, calmly, waiting for it. “It’s like you’re pretending to be all grown up and you’re all of a sudden the boss of me! You’re not! I don’t have to listen to you, you’re just my stupid sister!” he shouted, and Nox hung his head and let out a jagged laugh.
“No, you’re right, you’re right… You don’t have to listen to her, you don’t have to listen to me either, but what you have to do is live with the consequences of not listening. You feel me, little man?”
Sage glared at both me and Nox, but finally looked a little uncertain, I asked him, “Do you know what happens if you won’t listen to me? If you get into trouble? They’ll think I can’t take care of you. They’ll take you away from me and put you into a foster home.”
“So?” Sage demanded, but I could tell he was losing steam.
Nox cut in, “I can tell you all about foster homes, Sage. It’s not a vacation. You go to live with strangers. If you’re lucky, they aren’t too bad. Then there are the kind who don’t care if you eat and beat you for the smallest thing. Most of the time you get the kind that just treats you like you’re a paycheck. Feed you and make sure you don’t die on your way to school, but other than that?” Nox shook his head. “You can forget help with your homework, you can forget getting any of your favorite foods, or going out to play, or playing video games or a lot of the things you get here with Maren. You won’t get to see her, you won’t get to use the phone to call her, and you probably won’t get to do anything like learning how to drive on time, unless you steal a car.”
“You can pretty much be guaranteed to get caught, and spend some time in Juvie…” he paused and took a deep breath, reordering his thoughts before going on, “It’s a spiral you see, down, down and down… If you’re not lucky, like me, you get put into a home with foster parents like Norma Rae and Duncan. Where a couple of boys barely older than you are the ones who raise you. Your foster parents spend the money that’s supposed to feed and clothe you on booze and cigarettes, your foster father beats you with his belt for stealing a French fry off his stack even though you’re so hungry, you’d eat just about anything…”