by A. J. Downey
“I’m really failing at this whole parenting thing, aren’t I?” I asked, a few tears sneaking out and down my face. I sniffed and wiped at them, and Pam looked both empathetic and sad.
“You’re doing a lot better than you think, Maren. There comes a point where it’s up to Sage and no one else. I believe he is acting out simply because he didn’t appreciate Mr. Fisher calling him out on his bad behavior. He’s testing his limits and it is up to us as the adults to set the boundaries Sage must abide by. Mr. Fisher did that tonight and Sage didn’t like it. He’s resourceful, just like his sister…”
“All due respect, I don’t think Sage has a mind towards consequences,” Nox said tiredly.
“Oh?” Pam said, and she sounded interested. She took up her tea in her hands and blew on it, staring over the rim at Nox.
“I’ve explained to him that he could wind up in foster care,” I said helplessly.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t know exactly what that means. I grew up in the system with the worst of the worst; I do.” Pam looked at Nox who didn’t look happy about making his revelation.
“Where at?” she asked, “If I may ask.”
“Arizona.”
“I see.”
“Is there any way to show him?” I asked and Pam smiled.
“I don’t think it’s come to scare tactics yet, I would keep it in reserve. Sage is smart, he called me instead of the police, if either you or he were in any real danger I know that he would have called 9-1-1, not his case worker.” Pam looked thoughtful, “Could this be jealousy?” she asked.
Nox sighed, “Hadn’t thought of that, honestly.”
I looked back and forth between them as if I were at one of the world’s most interesting tennis matches. “Jealousy?” I echoed.
“I’ve been spending a lot of big brother type time with Sage lately,” Nox said.
“His coming over here for the sole purpose of checking on you could have upset Sage.”
I put my face in my hands again and scrubbed, doctored my tea as my mind worked the problem and sipped the hot liquid carefully after blowing on it like Pam had done.
“I can see the point.”
“Call him down here, let’s have a chat, shall we?” Pam said and I could tell she was feeling better about all of this. I wished I were.
I went to the foot of the stairs and called up, “Sage Hunter Tracy, get down here now!”
“Oh dear,” Pam said and looked chagrined and I immediately felt the lowest of the low.
“What?” I asked.
“Let’s not put him on the defensive right off the bat, Angel,” Nox said gently and Pam side eyed him, but nodded in agreement with what he was saying.
God, could I get anything right?
The conversation with Sage did not go well. As was typical lately, it was a whole lot of the three adults, well… okay, two and a half adults in the room, trying to explain the consequences of his actions and getting nothing but a whole lot of histrionics in return. The entire thing culminated in Sage running back upstairs after screaming at us that we didn’t get him, and we didn’t care about him, the silence heavy after he punctuated his outburst by slamming the door.
Pam sighed and looked at me with sympathy. I closed my eyes and just wanted to die. To melt into the floor and disappear. Nox sighed harshly and I opened my eyes to see him grip the back of his head with both hands, his long fingers laced together as he pulled on his head, bouncing it slightly to give his neck and back a good stretch. Guilt settled onto my shoulders, weighing them significantly.
“I’m so sorry I am screwing all of this up. I just don’t know what to do, I’m doing my best but I’m well aware my best isn’t enough.” I looked at Pam helplessly and she smiled sadly. “I’m losing my brother, aren’t I?” I asked and the tears started.
“No, honey. No, you’re doing a remarkable job with what you’ve been given actually. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, I just don’t think you know how to reach Sage. I don’t think any of us do.”
“Not helpful,” I uttered and I hadn’t meant for it to be said out loud but she answered.
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
I scrubbed a hand over my face and sighed, wilting into the back of my kitchen chair. Pam smiled apologetically and said, “You’re doing everything you can, Maren. Welcome to what it is to be the parent of a smart, albeit somewhat unruly, child.”
“Is he going to be taken, Pam? Are you going to take my brother away?”
She laughed a little, “No, Sweetie. It would take something extreme for that to happen. You’re actually doing fine, you may need to work on your technique a little, but that can’t be learned overnight.”
“If it’s one thing I’ve learned from Archer and Mel? It’s that parenthood doesn’t come with an instruction manual. It’s just a part of life,” Nox said. I turned my head to look at him, where he leaned up against one of the kitchen counters, his arms crossed over his chest. I let my eyes slide over the black crows and roses of his sleeve tattoo and tried not to let the monumental sense of failure swamp me.
Pam sighed, “I’d better get going. Mr. Fisher, it was nice to meet you,” she said and held out her hand. Nox stepped forward and shook it.
“You too, Ma’am.”
“Hang in there, Maren.”
“I will,” I said somberly.
Nox saw Pam out and when he came back into the kitchen it was to me wiping my tears. I confessed to him, “I feel like I’m screwing everything up.”
“Come here, get up here,” he ordered pulling me gently to my feet. He wrapped me in his arms and held me tight and I felt a little more solid, a little more grounded.
“You’re hurting, you’re tired, you’re under a tremendous amount of stress and Sage is a typical eleven-year-old. He isn’t making anything easy on you. He’s doing what every pre-teen does, he’s testing limits and seeing what he can and can’t get away with. You’ve been doing a remarkable job so far of holding him accountable, of not letting him get away with anything. It’s a tough line to walk, you’re seventeen; you’re his sister not his mother…” I stiffened, and Nox sighed, he touched the side of my face, tilting my head back. His light colored eyes searched mine and he sighed.
“Kiss me,” I asked and he smiled.
“Thought you’d never ask,” he murmured low and covered my mouth with his. My eyes slipped shut and the kiss was everything I needed. Patient, kind, and gentle. Full of promise that things would get better.
He pulled me tightly against his body and the kiss deepened to almost frantic. His hands slipped beneath my sweatshirt, smoothing against my skin and causing me to shiver. I ignored my cramps and held tightly to him and poured all of my worries, cares, and concerns onto the floor and let him fill me up with hope.
Chapter 19
Nox
She was warm and fit herself so well against me, it was everything in me to maintain even a little control. I crushed her to me and held her tightly and murmured into her hair, “I’m here, I’ll help any way I can and I’m going to take care of some things. I promise you.” She nodded and I sighed, content for the time being.
I don’t think she realized she did it, but she whimpered and I remembered why I’d come in the first place. I pulled away from her so I could look at her and said, “Come on, Angel. Let me take care of you.”
“Okay,” she whispered and the fight was just clean out of her for now. She was tired, she was hurting, and emotionally, she was pretty raw. She needed some love, some support, and for sure a good night’s sleep. I could help with all of that.
I led her past my massage table, which sat forlorn and sad in the living room, and up the stairs. A waste of my good intentions thanks to Sage’s antics. He hadn’t really said why he’d called their caseworker, but I knew it was because he was pissed at me for knocking his little ass down a peg. He couldn’t hit me, he knew that was a bad idea, so the manipulative little shit tried the next best thing. Too bad for
him that didn’t work either. I wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t giving up on him, either. I think it was time to ‘fess up to myself that I was too far gone on his sister to do any of those things.
“Here, lay down,” I murmured, pulling back her blankets. She got into bed obediently and I pulled them up to her chin. “I’ll be right back,” I promised, and I went downstairs to grab what I needed. I slipped back up to her room and handed her the round tablet I’d brought with me.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Muscle relaxer, take it. You aren’t going to school tomorrow. You need a fucking day off from everything. I’ll take Sage to his school and drop him off, then I’ll swing by yours to get your assignments.”
“Won’t you be late to work?”
“Don’t you worry about that, my first client isn’t until nine, I’ve got plenty of time to get shit done. Take this and let me get the rest of this hooked up.”
She took the pill from my palm and it disappeared between those soft lips before she pressed the water glass from her bedside table to them. Satisfied that she was going along with my mini-vacation plan, I plugged in the heating pad I’d brought with me and set it to its highest setting. I lifted the blankets and tucked it against her stomach.
“Anti-inflammatories from now on, like ibuprofen or an NSAID, you got it?” She nodded and I went on, “Also, use this. Heat helps relax the muscles. If it gets really bad, I can massage you, but I’m also going to show you some stretches that will help.”
“Okay,” she said softly.
I bent down and kissed her again and fuck I was hard to the point of pain. Six more weeks, five more days. Six more weeks, five more days. I reminded myself, and fuck yes I was counting… still, I had no intention of fucking her on her birthday. Something about the idea of it felt classless and tacky.
I had something special planned for it, but sex with Maren would come in its own time, when the time was right and not a minute before.
“Stay with me?” she asked, and I wanted to. Shit did I want to, but we had eyes on us now thanks to Sage… and fuck it.
“Yeah.”
I kicked off my boots and went around the end of the bed. I stayed on top of the quilts and lay up against Maren’s back, pulling her lightly against me. She wriggled back until we were snug and I was pretty sure my cock called me a son of a bitch.
“I love you,” she murmured, drowsing heavily, the drug I’d given her turning her limp as a wet noodle. I smiled to myself.
“Good shit, huh?”
“No, not for that,” she said and sounded annoyed, “I love you.”
I cuddled her closer and said, “I love you, too, Angel.”
“Mean it?”
“Oh, I mean it.”
“Good.”
I lay with her until after she fell asleep, then I took her phone and my phone downstairs with me so when the alarms went off in the morning, they wouldn’t wake her. I packed my table and the shit that went with it out to my cage, before heading back inside. I wanted to go back upstairs, lay down with her and hold her, protect her while she slept, but Sage was pretty much an unknown quantity on whether he would flip a bitch or rat us out. The kid had broken trust with me, and that wasn’t shit that was easy to come by.
He’d be hard pressed to earn it back. It was one of those tough life lessons he was about to go through. I’d been his friend up to this point, but it was pretty clear friendship wasn’t as needed as some structure and discipline. I could provide that too, for a while and see which he preferred. I settled down on the couch, in the dark, and slept uneasily. It was going to be a long night and I didn’t do well in unfamiliar places. It just wasn’t my thing. It was a good thing I would do anything for Maren. It was a real good thing.
***
“Where’s Maren?” Sage asked, poking his head outside his bedroom door.
“Asleep.” And not going to deal with whatever petty bullshit you cook up today, I thought to myself. Out loud I said, “Get dressed. I’m taking you to school. You’re taking the bus home and I mean straight home. Do I make myself clear?”
He blinked up at me owlishly and cocked his head to the side. Just try it, I thought. I waited for which way he’d go. Mean or sulking comment or sullen silence, any of which were likely to be punctuated by the bedroom door being slammed in my face. That wasn’t about to go well for him either.
“The only reason you pretended to be friends with me is because you want to fuck my sister, huh?” he asked and went to slam the door. My hand stopped it, flat against the wood with a hard shove that bowled the kid on his ass in the middle of the hardwood of his bedroom floor. I stepped into the room and shut the door behind me. I didn’t want to wake Maren, and Sage and I needed to have a little chat.
“It’s time for you to grow the fuck up, Sage. Your sister had to, way before her time, to take care of your whiny, sorry ass. Now it’s your turn to give back a little. She’s trying way too hard for you to turn around and turn into a disrespectful little shit.”
He stood up and took a swing at me and I caught it, hooking my arm at his elbow, sidestepping his follow through. His fist whizzed through the empty air and I had his arms hung up behind his back. He struggled and I put some torsion into my hold until he yelped and backed off in his struggles. I pushed him away from me and he flopped onto his bed.
“That’s the first and last time you take a swing at me. Get dressed and get your ass down to my cage. I’m taking you to school and if you even think about waking up your sister, you’re going to regret it. Playtime is over, Boy. Your lessons on what it is to be the man of the house begin now.”
I punctuated my harsh words with the occasional stabs of my finger at him in the air. He was wide-eyed with disbelief and I couldn’t say that I gave much of a fuck. Maren deserved so much better than anything he’d been dishing out and it was clear the kind and patient approach that was so uniquely his sister’s, wasn’t working. It was my turn, and I was giving him a bit of a taste of how I was raised to make a point.
I left him wide eyed and staring at me and opened up the bedroom door telling him, “You’ve got five minutes. Move it or lose it.”
I waited downstairs and I timed him, he had two minutes, thirty-seven seconds on the clock when he came thundering down the staircase. I raised a hand, palm out to stop him.
“You wake up your sister, I’m whooping your ass.”
He froze, “You can’t say that to me!” he said, indignantly.
“Who’s going to stop me?” I demanded and he blustered a second and fell silent.
“No, go on, think about it… I want you to really think about the position you’ve put yourself in, Sage.” I crossed my arms over my chest, the leather of my jacket and cut creaking while I watched the cogs and wheels whir and click behind his brown eyes. He needed a haircut, the dark strands, just like his sister’s, getting into his eyes.
“Why are you being so mean to me?” he asked and sounded fragile, vulnerable.
“Could ask you the same thing, kid.”
More contemplative silence.
“I thought you really liked me, but it was just my sister the whole time.”
“Did I ever say that?” he looked at me sharply. “Come on, let’s go. If we move it, we have time for breakfast.”
He slung his backpack higher on his shoulder and I took it off him, the navy blue canvas had seen better days, and I made a mental note to either mend it or to get him a new one. He pulled on his coat, hat, and scarf, turning to take back his bag.
“You’ve got two choices, Sage,” I said to him. “You can either work with us, do what you’re told, and stop giving your sister a hard time. Do that, and we can go back to the older, nicer version of me; or,” and I rested my hand on his shoulder, “you can keep doing what you’re doing, going behind Maren’s back, making shit up and making sneaky phone calls and end up in a place where you get worse than the new, angrier me.”
“Worse?” he echoed s
wallowing hard.
“I just stopped you from hitting me; where I come from, I would have had my ass whooped with a belt until I bled. Broken bones? They weren’t out of the question either.”
“They can’t do that!” he said astonished. I put my hand on his shoulder.
“Lesson one, just because they can’t don't mean they won’t. They did, and they knew just what to say and how to say it to get right off the hook, which brings me to lesson two: You are never as smart as you think you are. There is always someone smarter.”
Sage looked thoughtful and then looked up at me, “You aren’t making this up?”
“Lesson three, a man has no honor if he’s a fucking liar. I’m not making it up, I have the scars to prove it. Look at me when I tell you this.” His eyes snapped back up to mine. “I love your sister the way she ought to be loved, and I love you like a little brother I never had. You have it in you to be a great kid, but the fighting at school, the not listening to adults, the attempts to get other kids to act out and misbehave… like I said, playtime is over, Kid. Time to grow up some and face your demons. I’m right here if you ever want to talk about it – I am your friend. Always have been, always will be. There’s nothing pretend about that. I just happen to love your sister, too.”
He dropped his eyes to the floor and his shoulders hitched in a silent sob. It was sometimes hard to remember that Sage was just a kid, for all tough and proud he acted. I pulled him in and hugged him fiercely, smacking a kiss on the top of his head the way Grind used to do to me or Rush when we’d been pushed too far as kids by him or Arch. I was new to this whole parenting-like gig but was grateful for the sharp lessons in it.
“McDonalds?” I asked ignoring the elephant in the room for now, following the bro-code I’d grown up with which was let ‘em cry it out a second, then move right along to the next thing; ignoring it, like it didn’t happen.
“Yeah,” he said glumly.