Kyle held up his hands to slow me down. “Calm down. She’s okay. Well, physically.”
That didn’t help one fucking bit to soothe my frayed nerves. “Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on? Where’s Lilly? What’s the matter?”
Kyle’s face was painted with worry, and if I didn’t know he was gay that look might have set me off. “She’s not doing well,” he finally admitted. “She’s put on a brave face since she’s been back so we wouldn’t worry, but we knew it was all an act.”
Samantha nodded her head and her eyes shown bright with unshed tears. “We were fine with letting her pretend as long as we thought she was actually getting better. But then this morning…”
“What happened this morning?”
Kyle dropped his head and gave it a small shake before looking back up at me. “Just… come with me.” He led me over to the studio door. Stopping at the small window in the door, we stood side by side and looked through the glass at Lilly as she danced, but it wasn’t the same. Her body was jerky, not fluid. Her face wasn’t at peace. She looked exhausted, but kept on going. Sweat glistened over every inch of her body, her skin flushed red with exertion. I was able to recognize the X Ambassadors song even muffled through the door, and once “Unsteady” came to an end it started all over again.
“She’s been at it since we showed up around seven this morning,” Kyle said, pulling me from the sight before me. “Same song over and over. Sam and I have come in here to try and get her to stop, but it’s like she’s a zombie. She won’t even stop for water.” I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but sadness. “We didn’t know what else to do. She can’t push herself like this. Physically, it’s not good for her, but she won’t listen to us. I actually tried to shut the music off and she nearly bit my head off. She’s not our Lilly right now. It’s like she’s trapped in her own head and refuses to come out.”
I turned back to the window just as she attempted to execute a leap. I’d seen her do the same jump before, only this time she barely caught any air. She looked like she was seconds away from collapsing.
I put my hand to the knob and gave it a twist, glancing at Kyle over my shoulder as I pushed the door open. “Thanks for calling me. Let me see what I can do.” He nodded right before the door closed behind me.
Her eyes were closed as I moved a few feet into the room, rested my shoulders against the wall and just watched, trying to think of any way to get Lilly to stop. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes, or how sunken her cheeks looked from the window, but now that I was standing closer it was obvious that Lilly had lost weight… weight that her already slight frame couldn’t afford to lose.
I’d been right to worry. She wasn’t taking care of herself. She wasn’t okay. And just as I’d feared, it looked like she was in the middle of a breakdown. The only thing I could do to help was be there when it finally hit her full force.
I didn’t have to wait long.
As soon as the man started singing to his father about trying to fight when he felt like flying she lifted up on the ball of one foot. Her body began to turn, and her leg extended out to her side. But before she could make the turn completely, her ankle gave and she fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. Rushing from my spot at the wall, I hit my knees only inches from her and lifted my hands to move the hair from her face.
“Baby,” I whispered, running my hands down her limbs to make sure she wasn’t hurt. “Are you okay?”
Her head came up and tears skirted down her cheeks in a quick rush. “Quinn.” Her voice broke on that one word, and I knew she’d finally reached the tipping point. “I miss him so much.” Then her body folded in on itself as deep, ravaged, gut-wrenching sobs tore from her. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her trembling frame into my lap and holding on tightly.
“It’s okay,” I breathed into her ear, as I rocked us back and forth. “Let it out, baby. I’ve got you. Just get it all out.”
Her body shuddered and shook violently as each anguished cry broke free, shattering a piece of me with every one. I don’t know how long we sat there on the cold, slick floor of the dance studio before the tremors started to lessen. The sobs had finally quieted, but in their place, silent tears continued to fall, soaking through the front of my shirt.
At one point Kyle had peeked through the door, finding us sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, and went over to stop the music before exiting once again. It felt like an eternity had passed before she finally cried herself to sleep in my arms in the silent room. When I felt it was safe to move, I stood from the ground with Lilly in my arms and carried her out of the studio. She didn’t wake, too physically and emotionally exhausted. She simply burrowed into my neck and let out a stuttered sigh.
“Her apartment unlocked?” I asked Kyle and Sam. Kyle grabbed a set of keys off the front desk and led me through the back of the school to the interior stairs. He went up before me, unlocking the door and held it open so I could carry Lilly across the threshold undisturbed. He followed through the apartment and into her bedroom, his worried eyes resting on her as I lay her down in her bed.
“Thanks for coming. I can stay with her until she wakes up.”
“I’ve got it,” I rasped. There was no way in Hell I was leaving her. Not now, not after she’d just cried her sorrows out on my chest. I was staying, whether she wanted me to or not. I needed to be with her just as badly as she needed a shoulder to lean on. And now that I’d seen her, I couldn’t walk away. I was determined to be that shoulder for her as long as she’d allow it.
Kyle gave me a hesitant look. “You sure?”
“Positive. I’m not leaving. You can either stay here with me, or you can go down and handle Lilly’s classes for her.”
He looked from me to her and back again. “I’ll go down to help Sam. You know where to find us if you need anything.”
I toed off my boots and set my keys and cellphone on Lilly’s bedside table, offering a polite, “Thanks,” just before climbing on top of the mattress next to her and pulled her body against mine.
Seconds later the sound of the front door opening and shutting echoed through the apartment. I finally had Lilly back in my arms.
I just wish it had been under better circumstances.
Lilly
I FELT LIKE I’d been hit by a truck.
My eyes burned, my throat was sore, and my entire body ached every time I took a breath. I couldn’t remember the last time every muscle in my body hurt so bad.
The sky outside my bedroom window was dark. The only light in my room was what poured through my bedroom door. My bedside clock showed it was a quarter to seven, and I rolled to my back and tried to remember what had happened that day, why I was still in bed.
A clang sounded from somewhere inside my apartment as I was trying to pick through the pieces of my fuzzy memory, and suddenly I remembered. It all came back to me like a movie playing on a screen, like I was just an observer and hadn’t been the one to actually live through the breakdown.
I remembered waking up with a pain in my chest so acute I couldn’t breathe. I remembered walking down to the studio in a fog, desperate to escape the reality that my father was gone. I remember losing it, falling to the ground as my sobs choked me, only to have Quinn scoop me up and hold me, attempting to offer me comfort as the weight of everything that had been happening came crashing down on me.
What sounded like pots banging together pulled me from my head and back into the present. I stood from my bed and slowly crept into the hall, my sore body protesting every step. I stopped on a dime at the sight that greeted me. I’d expected to find Eliza as soon as I stepped from the hallway into the living and kitchen area, but that wasn’t who was standing at my kitchen stove.
“Hey, sweetheart. How are you feeling?”
I let my eyes drink in the sight of Quinn as he turned back to the skillet resting on one of the burners. Using one of the spatulas Eliza had left behind for
me, he flipped the pancakes before cutting off the heat and sliding the perfectly round pancakes onto a waiting plate.
“How long was I asleep?” God, I barely recognized my own voice. It sounded and felt like I’d been gargling with rocks.
“About eight hours.”
Oh damn, I’d slept the entire day away. Pushing that realization to the side, I asked, “What are you doing here?”
He turned and walked toward the small kitchenette table, setting the plate down next to a bottle of syrup and a glass of water that were already in place. “I wanted to make sure you had something to eat when you woke up.”
It was then that I noticed the bandage wrapped around his forearm. The sleeve of his shirt was rolled up, but that did nothing to hide the bloodstains on the cotton. “Oh my God.” Without giving it any thought, I rushed to his side and grabbed his arm, lifting it for closer inspection. “What happened?” I could see the faint red from where blood had seeped through the gauze bandage, but it appeared to be old. “Are you okay?”
He took his arm from my hold and lifted his hand, tucking pieces of my hair behind my ear. “I’m fine. This is nothing. I cut it on a nail when I was fixing my deck.”
“Do you need stitches?”
His lips tipped in a soft smile as he stared into my eyes, and as the silence around us grew heavy, I realized just how much I’d missed him. “Don’t worry about me,” he spoke softly, placing his hand at the small of my back to lead me to the table. “Let me take care of you right now, yeah?” He pulled out the chair and waved for me to sit. I did so and looked down at the food in front of me.
His kindness was too much. If I hadn’t cried myself to the point of dehydration earlier, I probably would have morphed into a blubbering mess. Luckily, my tear ducts were no longer producing. “Th-thank you,” I rasped. “But you didn’t have to do all this.”
“I wanted to,” he spoke so earnestly, so sincerely. The look on his face made my stomach flip. He looked like it was taking everything in him not to touch me. I knew the feeling. However, after everything we’d been through — everything he put me through — I just didn’t have the strength for it. I was done in every way possible. After today’s meltdown, I knew I needed to reserve what little energy I had left into healing myself. No matter how badly I wanted to, I just couldn’t heal Quinn. It was time I took care of me for a change.
I blinked rapidly, my eyes so dry they itched. “Quinn, I…” I had to swallow past the thickness in my throat. “I think you should go.”
He grabbed the back of the chair next to me and slid it across the floor until it was only inches away. Once he sat, he rested his elbows on his knees and took both of my hands in his. “Lilly, I’m not leaving. After what I saw in that studio, it’s clear you need someone to look after you for a while. I’m going to do that. You shouldn’t be alone.”
I slid my fingers from his grip and sat tall in my chair. In the past, I might have caved to the beautiful concern written all over his handsome face, but I couldn’t do that anymore. For my own peace of mind, I needed a clean break. “If that’s what you really think, then I’ll call Eliza. But you can’t stay here. I need you to go.”
I could see the determination in his eyes. I knew that look as well as I knew all of his others. He was setting in for a battle. “Baby, you lost it in front of me, Kyle, and Samantha. They were worried about you. Hell, I was worried about you. I’m not leaving here until I’m convinced you’re okay.”
Yep, he was geared up to fight me. Only, this time it wasn’t going to work. The damage he’d done, coupled with the loss of my dad made it impossible for me to get past the animosity brewing in the pit of my stomach. “I know, Quinn, believe me. I lived through it.” I replied sarcastically. “I appreciate your concern. But I don’t want you here. Don’t you get that?”
“Baby—”
With that one word, I snapped. “Stop!” I shouted. I stood so fast the chair behind me crashed to the floor. Quinn followed suit and reached for me, but I managed to sidestep his hold. “Don’t call me that. And don’t touch me.”
He held his arms out in surrender, but that didn’t stop him from slowly moving toward me. With each step he took, I took one backward. “Okay,” he said quietly. “All right, I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you right now, Lilly. But you’re not all okay. Can’t you see that? You need someone to take care of you.”
“I know I’m not okay!” I bit out. “I know that, all right? I know it’ll take a lot of work, and I’ll probably have more days like today, but the difference between me and you is, I know I’ll eventually move past it, because, unlike you, I can’t imagine walking through the rest of my life with this pain in my chest.” I balled my fist up and hit the spot right above my heart for emphasis, and at my words Quinn’s entire body locked up and quit advancing. I thought I had cried myself dry, but the sudden dampness on my cheeks proved me wrong. I reached up to brush the tears away only to have more fall in their place.
“You can’t take care of me, Quinn,” I continued, my voice as ravaged as my heart. “How can you expect to help me through my loss when you’re still holding on to your own? You’re so consumed with the past that you can’t see what’s been right in front of you.” I threw my hands out and gave a humorless, slightly hysterical laugh. “Please, explain to me how you think you can fix me when you can’t even fix yourself. Jesus, Quinn. Do you realize you’ve never even talked about her? She’s the mother of your daughter and you’ve never told me about her! You kept everything about you locked up so tight I never stood a chance, did I?” Reality suddenly slammed into me with the strength of a sledgehammer. I felt like such a fool. “All this time,” I whispered. “All this time I’ve been falling in love with you, and you knew… you knew you’d never be able to love me back, didn’t you? And you just let me fall deeper anyway.”
I expected the shutters I’d grown so familiar with to fall over his expression. Instead, a look of pure anguish spread across his features. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. The words sounded like they were ripped from his throat. “I’m so fucking, sorry, Lilly. I never meant to hurt you.”
I sniffled and pointlessly brushed more tears away. “But you did. Over and over again. I can’t do it anymore, Quinn.”
It was like my words were too heavy for him to carry. His knees buckled and he fell to the couch, his head in his hands as he repeated, “I’m so fucking sorry.” I stood silent for several seconds as he ran his fingers through his hair. Even disheveled, even hurting, he was still the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. “I don’t… I don’t know how to let her go.”
If there had been any pieces of my heart left intact, they would have broken right then and there. I couldn’t allow him to continue to hurt me, but I also couldn’t stand to see him suffering. Dropping to my knees in front of him, I took both of his hands and held tightly. “That’s not what I wanted. I’d never ask you to let her go, Quinn. She’s a part of you and always will be. She gave you Sophia. There’s beauty in that. I’d never expect you to let that go. I didn’t want to replace Addison. I wasn’t trying to take her place. I just wanted a place of my own in your and Sophia’s lives.”
His green eyes began to glisten and grow red, and I knew he felt the finality of what was between us just as strongly as I did. What we had was officially coming to an end, we both knew it, and that killed, but it was time for us to stop torturing each other.
“You can’t fix me, Quinn. And I can’t fix you, no matter how badly either of us wants it. We both need to heal, and we can’t do that as long as the other is holding us back.”
His eyes squeezed shut and he shook his head like he was trying to dispel my words. When he finally opened them again, I felt the agony reflected in the jade depth down to my very soul. “What are you saying?”
I pulled in a deep, fortifying breath and finally said what I needed to say. “We aren’t good for each other.”
He shook his head again. His fingers clenched around
mine to the point of pain. “That’s not true,” he objected desperately.
“It is,” I whispered. “It is, Quinn. And it tears me apart to admit that, because I love you so much. But we can’t keep doing this to each other. I need to get past losing my father, and you need to learn to cope with your past. I tried… I tried so hard to be what you needed, to help you see you didn’t have to live like this, but I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry.”
I finally let go of his hands and stood tall, moving away from the man who had my heart. It felt like an eternity, but what I’d said finally began to penetrate, and Quinn got to his feet, looking down at me like the thought of leaving gutted him. “I wish things were different, Lilly. You have no idea how badly I wish that.”
I offered him a sad, watery smile. “I think I have some idea, because I wished that, too.”
He moved to the front door, his hand resting on the knob as he looked back over his shoulder one last time. “I know you don’t want to hear it, and you probably won’t believe me, but I do care about you… more than I’ve cared about anyone in a very long time.”
I shrugged as a fresh wave of tears rolled down my cheeks. “I wish that was enough.”
He nodded his head, turned the doorknob, and pulled it open. “You know I want the absolute best for you, right?”
“I do. And I want the same exact thing for you. Take care of yourself, Quinn.”
His shoulders slumped as he stepped across the threshold. His back remained to me as he whispered, “You do the same, baby.” And with that, he was gone. The snick of the door closing behind him rang out like a gunshot.
It was done.
I wanted to curl into a ball and let life pass me by, but I couldn’t. It would hurt, but I’d put one foot in front of the other and, eventually, I’d move on with my life, just like I told him I would.
A Broken Soul (The Pembrooke Series Book 3) Page 21