by Penny Jordan
As she went inside, she found herself almost wishing that he had remembered her at first sight. Then, she had no doubt that he would have avoided her like the plague, then there would have been no intimacy between them to taunt and disturb her. Then he would have remembered how she had reacted to him before, even if she could not, and he would have acted accordingly.
Her first initial fear on recognising him—that he would remember her and cause her humiliation and embarrassment by doing so, by making her behaviour public—no longer existed. He was simply not that kind of man. Witness his behaviour towards her tonight... His kindness. His concern.
He had even apologised for what had happened when both of them knew that the real blame lay with her.
Ironically, once she was alone and free to cry, she discovered that she no longer had any real desire to do so. Neither, it seemed, was she going to be able to get much sleep, because every time she closed her eyes she was tormented by far too vivid memories of how she had felt when Matt had kissed and held her.
Matthew Hunt... Why was she so susceptible to him? Was it because of the past? As she curled her body into a small, tight ball of distress, she tried to convince herself that, once Matt had left the area, once he was only someone who visited the company at rare intervals, she would soon overcome her present feelings—that, starved of the object of their desire, her emotions would soon be back under her control. And just as long as Matt thought, as he obviously did think, that she loved Gordon, she would be reasonably safe from the humiliation of his realising how she felt about him.
A tiny, bitter smile curved her mouth. How ironic of fate to send him back into her life like this... How ironic and cruel. The sensuality which she had denied she possessed for all these years had, with Matt’s arrival, suddenly burst into eager life, tormenting her with desires and needs with which she was wholly unfamiliar. Even now, hours later, the mere memory of his lips touching hers had the power to make her whole body go taut with aching heat. She even found herself wishing that she could remember that night she had spent with him so that she could...
So that she could what? Relive it, if only mentally? Miserably she closed her eyes and willed herself to at least try to go to sleep.
CHAPTER SEVEN
‘NICOLA, meet Tim Ford.’
‘A rather delayed meeting, I’m afraid,’ Tim commented as he and Nicola shook hands.
They were in Nicola’s office, where she had arrived ten minutes earlier to discover that Matt was already there and that their new manager was with him, having been able to return to work a little earlier than had originally been anticipated.
Trying to ignore the shock of anguish that had hit her with the realisation that her daily contact with Matt would soon be a thing of the past, Nicola reminded herself that if she had any sense she would be feeling relieved that Tim Ford had arrived.
Since the night he had followed her home from the dinner party, she had been so acutely aware of Matt that working with him had become an almost unbearable strain.
She was losing weight and growing tense and, even though she knew that her parents and her friends were concerned about her and had erroneously put the change in her down to her break-up with Gordon, she couldn’t bring herself to admit the truth to any of them.
It had taken her long enough to admit it to herself. She was in love with Matt.
She looked at him now, a quick, surreptitious glance under cover of the conversation he was having.
During office hours, Matt had made no reference whatsoever to what had happened between them, but on the day following the dinner party he had called round totally unexpectedly to see her. She had been in the garden, picking some peas for lunch, her hair scraped back off her face, and dressed in a pair of tatty jeans and an equally old T-shirt.
His grave apology for what had happened had left her tonguetied with guilt and shame, wanting to tell him that she was equally responsible, but unable to find the words to do so.
He wanted her to know, he had told her, that she need have no fear of suffering the embarrassment of any kind of sexual harassment from him; he knew she loved Gordon; they were both adults, both aware that the most innocuous of events, when coloured by very powerful emotions, could result in things happening which had never been intended to happen.
What he was trying to tell her was that he had never intended to do anything more than ensure that she was all right. She already knew that, and his apology had made her feel even worse than she had done before, especially when she had happened to look up at him and all too betrayingly remembered what it had felt like to be held in his arms, to have his mouth caressing hers.
When he’d suggested that both of them put the entire incident out of their minds, she’d been only too willing to agree.
She realised that Tim Ford was speaking to her, and quickly dragged her attention back to focus on what he was saying.
He was a pleasant-looking man in his early thirties, whom, she had learned, was unmarried, and who had worked for Matt for several years.
His leg was still in plaster from the accident which had immobilised him and caused the delay in his taking over from Alan.
‘Site visits are going to be tricky for a while,’ he told Nicola ruefully while Matt was taking a phone call.
He then went on to ask her how she was liking the new computer systems they were having installed, and whether she had found them to be of any benefit.
Within half an hour of meeting him, Nicola knew she could work in harmony with him, probably more efficiently than she could work for Matt, with whom she was never free of the tensions caused by her awareness of him as a man.
Matt had finished his call and, when she glanced across at him, unable to resist the temptation of looking at him, she saw that he was regarding them with a slight frown. Her own muscles tensed in response. Had she done something wrong, irritated him in some way?
His, ‘If you’ve got a moment, Tim, there are a few things I’d like to run through with you,’ was curt and, as Tim walked towards the open door between the two offices, Nicola heard Matt adding even more curtly to her,
‘I’m sure you’ve got things to do, Nicola, so we won’t take up any more of your time.’
His formal ‘Nicola,’ when for days he had been referring to her as Nicki, hurt, as did the very cold and obvious way he was making it clear that he didn’t want her to join them.
Stupid of her to take it so personally, she told herself ten minutes later, when the door was very firmly closed between their offices, and she was seated at her own desk, working busily. And that was the trouble. She had become far, far too personally involved with Matt, with her own feelings for him...feelings which she knew quite well he could never reciprocate. And even if he did...what would happen when she had to explain...tell him? It went against everything she believed in most strongly to keep the truth from him. It would have been bad enough to have to tell him what had happened had the man concerned been someone else, but when that man was Matt himself...
Why was she worrying so much about something that was never going to happen? she asked herself miserably half an hour later. As far as Matt was concerned, she was still in love with Gordon and, for the sake of her own pride and self-respect, it was far, far better that he continued to think so.
When the inner office door opened, and Matt and Tim walked out, Matt told her briefly, ‘We’re just off to lunch now, Nicola. We shouldn’t be too long—’
Tim, who was standing behind him, frowned a little and interrupted, ‘Oh, but I thought that Nicola was coming with us...’
‘I’m sure she’s got far more important things to do with her lunch-hour,’ Matt contradicted him flatly—so flatly that Nicola bent her head over the papers on her desk, not wanting either man to see the hurt that Matt’s coolness was causing her.
Ten minutes later, acknowledging that, while she really didn’t feel like anything to eat, some food would probably do her good, she collected her jacke
t and left the office.
It was only a short walk into the small town’s centre. Wednesday was market day and the town was busy, but the waitress still managed to find a small table for Nicola in the window of her favourite wine-bar, where she could watch the people coming and going outside.
She was just about to start her meal when Christine walked in and saw her.
‘Nicki! I thought I might find you in here,’ she greeted her enthusiastically as she sat down, eyeing Nicola’s plate of pasta enviously as she commented ruefully, ‘Lucky you, you can eat what you like. I’m beginning to look like a house, and now that I’m pregnant again...’
She laughed as Nicola congratulated her, admitting that both she and Mike were thrilled about the new baby.
‘You should get married and have one yourself,’ Christine teased her, biting her lip in mortification as she apologised contritely. ‘Oh, Nicki, I’m so sorry. That was tactless of me when you and Gordon...’
‘I’m not bothered about Gordon,’ Nicola told her quietly. ‘In fact—well, let’s just say it was probably the best thing for both of us. After all, we were never anything more than friends, and not even particularly good friends... Our relationship was a convenience that suited us both at the time.’
‘Then why are you looking as though the world’s suddenly caved in on top of you?’ Christine demanded, watching her, adding, ‘And don’t try denying that something’s wrong, Nicki. You’ve lost weight, you hardly ever seem to smile these days... In fact, you’re exhibiting all the classic signs of unrequited love.’
She stopped and bit her lip again, and then said softly, ‘Oh, Nicki, it isn’t Gordon at all, is it? It’s Matthew Hunt.’
Nicola pushed her food away almost untouched, and said bitterly, ‘It’s the classic thing, isn’t it—the dull, plain secretary falling for her handsome, sexy boss...?’
‘No one would ever describe you as dull or plain,’ Christine objected, adding thoughtfully, ‘Is it really unrequited, Nicki? I mean, I couldn’t help noticing at our dinner party that he seemed to want to be with you.’
‘I think that was just so that he could evade Lucinda’s clutches,’ Nicola told her lightly. ‘I don’t want to discuss it if you don’t mind, Chris. It’s just one of those things, and I’m bound to get over it... Just as long as too many people don’t make the same lightning deductions you’ve just made. I hadn’t realised I was being so obvious...’
‘You aren’t,’ Christine assured her. ‘I just happen to know you very well, that’s all.’
‘Well, I’d certainly rather people thought I was heartbroken over Gordon than know the truth. Matt’s leaving the area soon. The new manager arrived today and, once he’s settled in, Matt will be little more than a casual visitor.’
‘Leaving, is he?’ Christine asked in surprise. ‘Well, he hasn’t said anything to Mike about terminating his lease of the house. In fact, I thought Mike said he wanted to extend it.’
Nicola shrugged.
‘I wouldn’t know. Maybe he’s keeping it on for Tim Ford, that’s the new man. After all, rented property isn’t easy to come by round here.’ She paused, toying worriedly with her uneaten food, and then, keeping her head bent, asked in a low voice, ‘You won’t say anything about—about this...even to Mike, will you, Chris?’
Tears stung her eyes when Christine put her hand over hers and assured her firmly, ‘Trust me, Nicki. I can well remember how I felt when I first fell in love with Mike, and I thought he wasn’t interested. I think I’d have died then if I’d thought that someone might inadvertently have told him that I loved him. I shan’t mention it to anyone—and that includes Mike. It may not be as bad as you think, you know,’ she added softly. ‘I couldn’t help noticing how attentive he was to you over dinner.’
‘He was just being polite,’ Nicola told her shortly. She didn’t want anyone trying to raise her hopes, encouraging her to believe in something she already knew didn’t exist, and, besides, not even Chris knew the whole story. That chapter of her life, the time she had spent in the city, was something she had never discussed with anyone.
‘I’d better go back,’ she told Christine, pushing away her plate and standing up. ‘I’m thrilled for you both about the baby.’
‘Just as well, because we intend to ask you to be godmother,’ Chris told her with a grin but, as she watched her friend walk away, her smile was replaced by a small, anxious frown. Poor Nicki; she wished there was something she could do to help her.
* * *
WITH TIM FORD’S arrival, Nicola noticed a new distance between herself and Matt. It was perhaps only natural that he should take a back seat, allowing Tim to take over the reins of running the business, but still, it hurt unbearably when she turned to query something with him to be referred almost curtly to Tim.
And, when he had to speak with her, she found that he was standing almost feet away from her, whereas before she had often found him standing so close to her that their bodies had actually been touching. Many, many times she had had to resist the impulse to allow herself to lean into him, to savour the intimacy of even the briefest physical contact with him, even while she deplored her own lack of self-control.
Now there was no need for her to exercise any form of physical self-control; the distance Matt kept between them saw to that.
On his final morning in the office, Matt arrived late, and announced that he was leaving earlier than planned—at lunchtime.
He had, he announced, decided to take a few days off, which he explained he intended to spend with his parents.
‘My sister and her family are over from Canada. I haven’t really seen her since she got married two years ago.’
‘Do you have many nieces and nephews?’ Nicola found herself asking him a little enviously. She had always wished she had a larger family, brothers and sisters...and she envied Matt his married sisters and his extended family.
‘Two nieces, three nephews and one “don’t know” as yet,’ he told her briefly, a warm smile touching his mouth.
That warm smile made Nicola’s stomach muscles quiver. She was, she discovered shockingly, almost ragingly jealous of his unknown family and the obvious love he had for them.
He had added that he would probably leave at about two o’clock and, even though she hated herself for doing so, Nicola discovered that she was surreptitiously shortening her own lunch-break so that she would be back in the office well before two, like a miser greedily hoarding every extra second of his presence.
Only when she walked into the yard, there was no sign of his now familiar car and, when she passed Tim in the foyer, he told her casually that Matt had already left.
She was glad she was standing in the shadows, instinctively turning her head away from him so that he wouldn’t see her despair.
‘I was wondering,’ she heard him adding uncertainly, ‘if you could give me a few tips on how to get involved in the local social life... I’m rather past the age for discos and the like, but not exactly old enough to join the pipe-and-slippers brigade... I don’t play golf and—’
‘I could introduce you to some people if you like,’ Nicola offered instinctively, sympathising with him. ‘It can be a long, slow process getting to know new people, especially in a country area like this. I have a casual arrangement whereby I often meet a group of friends in a local wine-bar on Friday evening. If you feel like coming alone...’
‘Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind?’
‘Not in the least,’ Nicola assured him.
In point of fact the last thing she felt like doing was going out, but staying in moping, aching for a man she could never have, wasn’t going to do her the slightest good, and besides, she reflected, it was probably time she started disabusing her friends of the notion that she was pining for Gordon.
Gordon had never really liked or approved of the wine-bar crowd, a mixed bunch of people, most of them professionals of around her own age, who liked to meet for a drink and some supper in a
casual way on a Friday evening.
When Tim offered to pick her up, she was about to refuse, but then changed her mind, feeling that it might be easier if they travelled to the wine-bar together rather than for her to give him directions.
Later that evening, when she told her parents what she had arranged, her mother gave her a thoughtful look.
‘I’m sorry that Matt isn’t staying on. He seemed very pleasant.’
Something in her mother’s voice rather than the actual words made the tiny hairs lift on Nicola’s neck. Had her mother guessed how she felt about Matt? Had anyone else guessed? Had Matt himself? Was that why he had been so remote with her—so cold almost...?
Sick despair washed through her as she contemplated this possibility.
As she got ready to go out she told herself that she was glad he had gone, that now she was no longer in daily contact with him it would be much easier for her to put him right out of her mind and to concentrate on getting on with her life.
Just as she was doing right now? she asked herself grimly.
* * *
WHEN Tim arrived at eight to pick her up as they had arranged, she invited him in to meet her parents. Her mother exclaimed over his injured leg and its heavy cast.
Luckily his car was an automatic and he could still drive, he assured her, when she commented on how difficult he must be finding life.
He was easy to talk to and, although she hadn’t really been looking forward to going out, Nicola discovered that she quite enjoyed the evening.
Her friends tactfully made no mention of Gordon, welcoming Tim among them, although Nicola did detect one or two raised eyebrows when she introduced him as her new boss, firmly making it clear that theirs was purely a business relationship.
Halfway through the evening Lucinda Barrett walked in without her husband and immediately made a bee-line for Nicola, greeting her as though they were long-lost friends.
Hiding her dislike of her, Nicola politely introduced her to her friends, gritting her teeth in annoyance when Lucinda smiled archly up at Tim, and commented to Nicola,